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#61 of 114 Old 07-14-2008, 07:58 PM
 
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My weekend went great!!!!!

Enjoyed some peace with just the two of us...then also had a great time at the bar with his friends(two nights in a row was a bit much but oh well).

He and I had a few conversations about the future which went well. He also told me after the weekend was over two of his friends called him to tell him that they liked me so much if he screwed it up they would kick his butt!!!!

So I've been doing a happy little dance all day. :

Wife to yikes2.gif and mama to: dd(14) lol.gifds(12)ROTFLMAO.giftwin ds'(10)twins.gif 

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#62 of 114 Old 07-15-2008, 10:59 AM
 
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Thanks for letting my air my laundry a little bit. I've deleted it all now

Congrats on the good weekends!

Best wishes to all the dating single mamas, it's a crazy world out there.

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#63 of 114 Old 07-15-2008, 01:37 PM
 
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Hooray for Holland and srenea04's fun weekends away!!!

Kokonutmama - If my family or friends had issue with someone I was dating, I would spend some time really sitting with it and seeing what my intuition is telling me. Sometimes, meeting someone new and getting caught up in the excitement and wanting to be in a relationship can make us blind to things. However, family thinking they know what's best for us, doesn't work well either. I would take it under advisement and see. As for the other things you mentioned, you're right...only you know what you want and what is right for you.

Ana_Isabel - I have dated men with children and men without children. MY EXPERIENCE (and mine only) has been that the men with children *get* what parenting is about and is a better match for me and my family, personally. I do know some men who are really great with kids, super-understanding and make great step-fathers or fit nicely into a single mother/child relationship. I know for myself, I look for single dad's to date because there is that built in knowledge and I've found that to work better for us.
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#64 of 114 Old 07-15-2008, 07:18 PM
 
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MsChatsAlot: thank you for your perspective; it jives with mine. I totally agree that there are many men, w/o kids who are terrific with kids and naturally have that ability to know what it's like to put one's entire self into another, small human being. It's really the only drawback of the relationship. If I am to go over in my mind issues that have come up...they can be traced back to a lack of full appreciation of what this juggle is like.

Here is my deep question of the day: How has experiencing a divorce/separation changed you as a "dater/datee"? Has it influenced your standards? Your tolerance for BS? Made you wiser? More hesitant? More outgoing?

one observation I have: It's not so much the divorce that shapes who I am today as someone who dates...but the fact that I have a child. The priorities are set...they are rigid. Ds comes first. I do believe it's important for me to love others and share with other humans...but frankly...knowing that my son is in good health and happy...makes all the other frustrations that arise in a romantic relationship well...seem less important..less earth shattering. One possible negative consequence of this: becoming too blase and not invested enough. Also I want to live for my son, but not through him, KWIM? So I want to strike a good balance in which I do put effort and love into other adult relationships.
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#65 of 114 Old 07-15-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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If I am to go over in my mind issues that have come up...they can be traced back to a lack of full appreciation of what this juggle is like.
My bf doesn't have children. In all honesty, he has lived a very self-involved existence for most of his 36 years. BUT... he has complete appreciation for my role as a mother.

For me, the lack of appreciation, or even attempt at understanding, would be something I would want to look more deeply into.

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How has experiencing a divorce/separation changed you as a "dater/datee"?
I am much more capable of reading between the lines for any red flags. I have a pretty solid foundation of what I am looking for and what I want.

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Originally Posted by Ana_Isabel View Post
Has it influenced your standards? Your tolerance for BS? Made you wiser? More hesitant? More outgoing?
Honestly, I have always had high standards. My XH and all of my X-bfs have been good men...just not the men for me, for various reasons.

I NEVER tolerate BS...a waste of time and energy.

Definitely more wiser. My divorce really helped me to determine exactly what I need/want from a relationship. In addition, my divorce also made me more cognizant of my role in a relationship and the power I have due to that role.


Quote:
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The priorities are set...they are rigid. Ds comes first.
I am a bit hesitant to respond to this, as many people on this board are quick to be judgemental. BUT... I will try and hope for the best.

I am not a big believer of rigid priorities. IMHO, priorities need to be somewhat flexible. They need to be carefully manuevered to accomodate the ups n' downs of life.

Additionally, I feel that one of my biggest priorities is to myself. If I am not healthy, mentally and physically, my child will end up dealing with the consequences. Which, I think really fits in with your comment about living FOR your child, not through him. To live for your child, you will need to be the best mommy possible, which means taking care of yourself. Right?

Ds will always be one of the top priorities, but he will not always #1.

Finding balance can be hard, especially when you first begin to date. As long as you are honest with yourself and aware of the potential for an imbalance, you can make it work for you and your family.
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#66 of 114 Old 07-16-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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Being divorced has taught me that it's important to see the person for who they are instead of who I think they could be.

Age/wisdom/experience has taught to be open and understanding, to look for the things that matter and overlook the things that don't.

Growing/healing has taught me to be myself and to trust that someone will either get me or they won't. And, if they don't, there's someone out there who will...so be patient and trust it will happen in the time and way it is meant to happen.

I love that circumstances allowed me to spend time alone and learn to love & appreciate myself. I finally know...really know in my heart, that I don't need a man. I've been self-sufficient, caring for my children, running a home, getting more education & starting my own business all on my own. A man will add flavour to my life...a flavour different than my own, but it is not essential. That has been the greatest blessing for me.
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#67 of 114 Old 07-16-2008, 05:07 PM
 
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Holland73:
"I am not a big believer of rigid priorities. IMHO, priorities need to be somewhat flexible. They need to be carefully manuevered to accomodate the ups n' downs of life. Additionally, I feel that one of my biggest priorities is to myself. "

DITTO! Amen! ITA.

MsChatsAlot:

I love this quote from you: "Being divorced has taught me that it's important to see the person for who they are instead of who I think they could be"
I honestly want to print it out and paste it somewhere highly visible. Definitely siggy worthy.
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#68 of 114 Old 07-16-2008, 07:23 PM
 
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I'm always glad when I post something that resonates with another.
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#69 of 114 Old 07-17-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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Hi! I'm back!
6 months after leaving my husband, I finally have my own computer and internet! I am so excited!
Well, as for dating, I met an unbelievably sexy firefighter, and really hope he call me. I might've made it a little too easy for him last saturday, but he did ask for my phone number on sunday, before leaving to go to work at 7:30am... I feel so silly, but I really like him. I had never danced with a guy before, and he made me dance and I had so much fun!
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#70 of 114 Old 07-17-2008, 09:16 PM
 
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Hey desertflower (I know who you are, didn't know you changed your username though!) are you still here in the Sonoran desert? Glad to see you are doing well mama!

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#71 of 114 Old 07-18-2008, 01:22 PM
 
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Mr. Cutie Pie drove three hours to take me to dinner last night! He ended up crashing on my couch, and is coming to take me to lunch at work today.

I have to say, if I hadn't gotten over my initial discomfort at our 5 year age difference (I'm like, whatever, now) I would have missed out on a REALLY great guy! Our political and religious views are nearly identical, we value the same things, and want the same things from life. Not to mention, from what I can see he's gentle, compassionate, generous and soft spoken, but also knows what he wants and is ambitious. I believe we are cut from the same cloth, and that is RARE in this part of the country.

We've been talking through IM, text and really long phone calls for the past month. Thank GODDESS we both have AT&T or I'd have burned through all my minutes in just under a week.

Now we just have to figure out how to overcome the 3 hour distance. We both agree that we want to see each other whenever possible, with the potential for something long term. I have been wanting to relocate for about a year, and he so happens to live in one of the cities that was on my short list. That's still about a year away, so we have plenty of time to develop a relationship, or decide we aren't really compatible. Either way, we will be great friends. We are kindred spirits, for sure.

This was so unexpected, but I do remember asking the universe for a man who was my equal, my other half, and possessed all the qualities he has. I guess fate dropped him in my lap, and I was smart enough to pay attention!

:
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#72 of 114 Old 07-18-2008, 09:56 PM
 
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Jennifer H, I'm so happy to read your story! Finding your kindred spirits is a blessing to be counted high on the list! Exelente!
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#73 of 114 Old 07-19-2008, 12:11 PM
 
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JenniferH

That's awesome!!!

I personally think long distance is a great way to begin a relationship. It means there is more time spent talking and getting to really know one another before making any major changes or leaps. It sounds wonderful...enjoy!
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#74 of 114 Old 07-20-2008, 02:01 AM
 
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Being divorced has taught me that it's important to see the person for who they are instead of who I think they could be

This is my new mantra oh wise woman MsChatsAlot!!!
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#75 of 114 Old 07-20-2008, 12:33 PM
 
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well I'm divorced once, widowed once;

divorce has taught me to value myself FIRST and foremost before the relationship. also the fact that just because you are together for years doesn't mean marriage is the logical next step! sometimes marriage is a big mistake you made when you were to young to know any better.

widowhood has taught me to jump right in (time is ticking). also I judge relationships now in terms of grief. would it be worth it if I loved then lost this person? weird but true.

btw have any of you read the book All About Love by bell hooks? the man I'm chatting/meeting w/ reccomended I read it and it's wonderful. can't thank him enough for that! I used to be ashamed of my marriages (and like damaged goods) but not so much anymore after reading the book!

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#76 of 114 Old 07-20-2008, 12:57 PM
 
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well I'm divorced once, widowed once;

divorce has taught me to value myself FIRST and foremost before the relationship. also the fact that just because you are together for years doesn't mean marriage is the logical next step! sometimes marriage is a big mistake you made when you were to young to know any better.

widowhood has taught me to jump right in (time is ticking). also I judge relationships now in terms of grief. would it be worth it if I loved then lost this person? weird but true.

btw have any of you read the book All About Love by bell hooks? the man I'm chatting/meeting w/ reccomended I read it and it's wonderful. can't thank him enough for that! I used to be ashamed of my marriages (and like damaged goods) but not so much anymore after reading the book!
Bolding mine... Yes, I do happen to think like this, even though I'm not widowed - "Is this person worth my tears/broken heart?"

I'll have to check out that book!
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#77 of 114 Old 07-20-2008, 08:43 PM
 
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DesertFlower: YOU GO GIRL!! Firemen are...yummy!!!


JenniferH: I'm so happy for you! Sounds like you found an awesome guy! I also think the long distance thing will be a blessing in disguise...it's a nice way to ease into a relationship with someone.
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#78 of 114 Old 07-21-2008, 04:58 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
Being divorced has taught me that it's important to see the person for who they are instead of who I think they could be.

Age/wisdom/experience has taught to be open and understanding, to look for the things that matter and overlook the things that don't.

Growing/healing has taught me to be myself and to trust that someone will either get me or they won't. And, if they don't, there's someone out there who will...so be patient and trust it will happen in the time and way it is meant to happen.

I love that circumstances allowed me to spend time alone and learn to love & appreciate myself. I finally know...really know in my heart, that I don't need a man. I've been self-sufficient, caring for my children, running a home, getting more education & starting my own business all on my own. A man will add flavour to my life...a flavour different than my own, but it is not essential. That has been the greatest blessing for me.
Thank you so much for posting this, it really resonates with me.

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#79 of 114 Old 07-21-2008, 04:35 PM
 
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I used to be ashamed of my marriages (and like damaged goods) but not so much anymore after reading the book!
Could you explain that? I'd like to hear more about the book if you care to share.

Anne
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#80 of 114 Old 07-21-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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Quote:
you doing okay marissa?
Thank you, Celeste and Jennifer, and Kelly for the PM - it really means a lot that you are thinking of me.

I'm experiencing severe ups and downs right now - I love that man with my whole heart and I'm trying desperately to be patient, but I'm having a hard time. Maybe turning 35 last week makes it seem even sillier to not start in on our "happily ever after" now. I still truly believe that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with this man though - so for now I'm trying to be thankful and content with what we have, instead of wishing for more.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and if any of you happen to have seen a sign from God about my relationship, I'd love to hear about that too! ;-)

Thanks again for thinking of me.
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#81 of 114 Old 07-21-2008, 06:40 PM
 
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Sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time right now in your relationship. It is very emotionally draining and exhausting to deal with such issues.

It is really hard for me to give any thoughts/advice about your situation, because you are very vague about the details. Which, I COMPLETELY understand!

One thing that did strike me about your post was:

1. What does "happily ever after" mean to you? Marriage? Living together? Verbal, life-long committment? Do you not consider the time you currently put into your relationship as starting the "happily ever after"?

I found that I really had to re-think my definitions of marriage, "happily ever after," commitment, love and relationships after my divorce.

Give yourself some time to sit and sort through all of these feelings. Really look deeply and honestly at the why of each question. Try to take your boyfriend out the equation and just focus on YOU.

It is hard... very, very hard. I have recently had my own "moments" with my bf too.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.
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#82 of 114 Old 07-24-2008, 01:58 AM
 
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I am behind on keeping up on this thread. I will catch up and be back with some thoughts very soon.
So sleepy right now.
Just felt like putting this out there to you mamas. I am meeting some of J's friends for the 1st time Friday night. I am going to his house and he is having his long time friend & friend's wife over too. We're going to make dinner. I'm excited. But feeling very nervous. I tend not to be super comfortable meeting people in settings like bars, clubs, etc. And I love to cook, so this is great for me. And he is such a nice person that I can only imagine his close friends are too. But every step gives me those butterflies and palpitations, you know?
And... what do I wear? I desperately need clothes right now and no time to shop. I tend to be casual (so does he). I think I'd be most comfortable in a long skirt, flip flops. Wish I had some new tops... Any thoughts? Silly, I know. Very silly!
For some reason I worry about coming across as not that smart or something.
Plus, I know my close friends are probably more protective of me since the divorce. J also had the experience (in different ways) of not being treated well by his ex. I imagine they might be protective of him...
I don't know what I'm getting at. Just rambling thoughts.

Overall, however. I am excited. Nervous and excited.
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#83 of 114 Old 07-24-2008, 02:56 AM
 
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And... what do I wear? I desperately need clothes right now and no time to shop. I tend to be casual (so does he). I think I'd be most comfortable in a long skirt, flip flops. Wish I had some new tops... Any thoughts? Silly, I know. Very silly!

Sounds like fun! How exciting.

As for clothes, it truly depends on your personal style.

If it were me, I would probably wear dark denim jeans, a funky top (in a dark color as I am a messy cook ) and either flip flops or a pair of black boots.

Quote:
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For some reason I worry about coming across as not that smart or something.


Intelligence is very subjective. Try not to worry.

Just keep reminding yourself how awesome you are!!! And the fact that your bf sees it in you enough to want to introduce yourself to his dearest friends.
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#84 of 114 Old 07-24-2008, 07:49 AM
 
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Marissa. I hope things are getting clearer for you.

Robin, I'm sure they'll love you as much as J does

I broke it off with the boyfriend today It was so sad and I hated hurting him, but I just got back from 4 days with my extended family (reunion in Colorado, so fun!) and that trip really made it clear to me that the relationship isn't right for me. He would have had a lousy time and I would have ended up having a lousy time trying to make him happy. It's really hard because he was a good fit for me physically and materially and even emotionally for the most part, but there's been this pervasive thought at the back of my mind telling me that it isn't right and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

So I've opened up my online dating profiles again and looked at what's available and it's very discouraging. There's barely anyone that's even close to what I'm looking for and that are ok with kids or less-than-athletic women. oh, well, guess it's not my time yet, right??

I do have a question for those of you with limited incomes, How do you handle dating when you're always broke?? Everything is about lack of money for me lately; I'm working all the time that I'm not driving kids around to camp/preschool and the thought of eating out is so wasteful to me. I've barely got the time or money to live the life I want and I don't know how to add dating on top of that. I'm only online tonight because I ran out of the fabric I need and my boss couldn't bring it to me.

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#85 of 114 Old 07-24-2008, 11:45 AM
 
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I'm sorry to hear all of that, Marissa. I feel better about this relationship than any I've had since my high school sweetheart. I've decided that I'm not going to put up with any more BS, and I hope you don't either. If you two just aren't in the same "place" and you think it's worth waiting on, then do. If not, don't waste your life waiting for someone to join you. Chances are they won't.

I didn't get a "sign from god" about this guy, but I do remember asking the universe for him a few weeks before he IM'd me. Put your energy out there and you will get something back. Whether you believe in prayer, fate or making your own destiny, what you put out there will come back to you. You just have to keep your eyes open (I'm bad at this usually) because it may not be in the form you are expecting!

I'm only a PM away if you want to chat.
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#86 of 114 Old 07-24-2008, 12:57 PM
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I haven't been around MDC much in the last year, but I have become more involved I guess since moving a month ago. I don't have any friends here, and there is some turmoil in my relationship. I guess I need some perspective.

I have been seeing N for 10 months now, and we recently moved in together, and moved to a new city. Our relationship is feeling the strain. Mostly perpetuated by me. I feel very uncertain.

I moved myself and my kids away from my support networks that I built up (for those interested in the backstory - I left my XH while pregnant with my youngest to the city I was in. I lived in a transition house, I was on welfare - got off welfare on my own, I built a support network of doctors, therapists, friends. I had jobs, went back to school, lived pretty good, was totally self supporting living in my little house with my boys). But the town was dying and there wasn't any way to get ahead. I knew that and I am grateful for the opportunity to get away with that, with the support of my SO.

Now though, we live in a more expensive suburb of a city I have lived in before, of course its much more expensive now. I don't know how easy it would be to support myself and my children and the idea of not being able to do it if my SO and I broke up has led to a lot of stress for me. I need to know that I can do it alone. I know that it will take time, but that I can do it, I just dont have the experience to back that up and that makes me very nervous.

My SO works long hours, I am not bringing in any money yet as I dont have full time daycare for my boys until the first week of August, I feel like it is causing some resentment but I am trying to keep it open, and I do have a job lined up so its not like I have nothing.

I feel like my SO is unhappy with me. Not just about the move and money but in general. I have given him the out, saying that he doesn't need to stay with me, that I would rather not be the cause of his unhappiness. I have tried to explain that I need to feel secure in my abilities to support myself and my children and that I was slightly stressed about that. He took it as me making a back up plan.
He is often mad/frustrated/pissed off etc with me. I am getting tired of it. He has his baggage too.. an ex and a 11 year old child, but I feel like I unintentionally upset him and then have to deal with the brunt of it until I can persuade him to let it go.

It sucks, I love this man, I just don't know if I can see the long term picture instead of getting caught up in the mire of every day.

Im sorry for rambling.
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#87 of 114 Old 07-25-2008, 03:32 AM
 
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Hi...I'm new here, hope you guys won't mind if I jump in.

rubelin--dates don't have to be expensive. I think a good idea is to find some sort of community activity. Where I live, there's always something going on, like street festivals, outdoor movies in the park, or fun get-togethers at the library. Most are free or cheap. Or, if both of you feel comfortable enough, make dinner together. You would do that anyway, so even though it does have a cost, it doesn't count.

Robinchap--if you are most comfortable in a long skirt and flip flops, wear that. As for a top, find something that makes you feel pretty or sexy or cute. I think that could go a long way, more so than something new and uncomfortable that your friends insisted was flattering.

And now for my question. I think I have a date. I'm not sure. It's my little brother's friend, and we've hung out very casually plenty of times with my brother (bro and I are pretty close, and not much of an age difference). I texted him last night to tell him happy birthday (21), and made a joke about how old he is getting. He didn't know who it was at first, but when I told him, he said he's save it and that he'd "always wanted" my number. We ended up agreeing to go out for a drink next weekend (as in, not in a couple days, because he was busy). I don't know what to think of that. As usual, I'm over-analyzing it. I'm thinking it really doesn't matter, that I'll try to think of it as a casual friend thing, and if anything happens, that's even better.

Oh and I know my brother won't come because he's underage.

Any thoughts?

Rachel, massage therapist and single mom :to Keanu 7/29/04 and Juniper 11/18/11!  Lovingfemalesling.GIFcd.gifnamaste.giflactivist.gifgd.giffambedsingle1.gif

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#88 of 114 Old 07-25-2008, 11:07 AM
 
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Ugh. I also don't post here and need advice - I hope you don't mind me jumping right in, too.

My problem is I don't know how to talk to guys. I'm somewhat quiet anyway, but it seems that when there's a guy I want to meet/talk to/impress I'm so worried about making a fool of myself that I, well, make a fool of myself.

I have an opportunity that I really don't want to mess up. On tuesday I was out with my friends and they were trying to think of "boyfriend material" guys that they know. (I've been single for over a year and a half and clearly in need of some help in that direction.) They thought of somebody who is "perfect" for me, and bizarrely enough he showed up at the bar where we were not long after. So we went over and talked to him (I'd met him before, but only in passing) and he's so cute and interesting and older than me (by a lot). He was there to watch the baseball game. Later that night the girls discovered that I'd never been to a major league ball game and made a big deal about it and he ended up saying he would take me to a game sometime, as my friend is thrusting my card into his hand.

Now I have to run into him again and remind him of it and make him think I'm smart and pretty and charming and witty. But I'm shy, and nervous, and intimidated and petrified of f'ing it up.

So, PLEASE help me! I need some dos and don'ts for talking with him, and date etiquette (if it comes to that). TIA!!!
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#89 of 114 Old 07-25-2008, 12:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunar forest View Post
Ugh. I also don't post here and need advice - I hope you don't mind me jumping right in, too.

My problem is I don't know how to talk to guys. I'm somewhat quiet anyway, but it seems that when there's a guy I want to meet/talk to/impress I'm so worried about making a fool of myself that I, well, make a fool of myself.

I have an opportunity that I really don't want to mess up. On tuesday I was out with my friends and they were trying to think of "boyfriend material" guys that they know. (I've been single for over a year and a half and clearly in need of some help in that direction.) They thought of somebody who is "perfect" for me, and bizarrely enough he showed up at the bar where we were not long after. So we went over and talked to him (I'd met him before, but only in passing) and he's so cute and interesting and older than me (by a lot). He was there to watch the baseball game. Later that night the girls discovered that I'd never been to a major league ball game and made a big deal about it and he ended up saying he would take me to a game sometime, as my friend is thrusting my card into his hand.

Now I have to run into him again and remind him of it and make him think I'm smart and pretty and charming and witty. But I'm shy, and nervous, and intimidated and petrified of f'ing it up.

So, PLEASE help me! I need some dos and don'ts for talking with him, and date etiquette (if it comes to that). TIA!!!

I would just be yourself, but if you are afraid of f'ing up, just "listen" instead of trying to carry a big conversation. Ask a lot of questions! If you like baseball, but don't know a lot about it, ask him about it. I'm sure he'd be glad to explain it.

That's about all I have... I know it's hard to break out of your shell, but I used to be a real wallflower, and some might say I'm a bit of a talker now.
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#90 of 114 Old 07-25-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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hey you guys...what are some good free dating sites? ive heard of ok cupid but thats about it. seems like theres a lot of ugly guys that are into online dating....LOL ok im not that shallow...but seriously! where the heck am i supposed to meet a guy?!

DS 5-11-06
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