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#91 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 03:25 AM
 
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someone told me that plenty of fish is pretty good....

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#92 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 12:45 PM
 
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lunar forest, are you okay with your friends being pushy like that? personally, i wouldn't stand for it. once in a while might be okay but if they forced me on guys on a regular basis, we'd need to have a talk. i love going to clubs and dancing like a crazy maniac but i don't think i'd be able to meet guys there. i'd prefer to meet someone through work, at a coffeeshop, or a friend of a friend (but NOT in a set-up kind of way). maybe you're cool with it but from your post i'd have been totally petrified and tongue-tied, so make sure to ask your friends to lay off if you need to move at a slower, more natural pace.

rubelin, i read somewhere ages ago that you should never start dating with a higher budget than you plan to continue for the rest of the relationship. that doesn't mean you can't have a few wild nights now and then but, if your cash is limited from the get-go, work on finding discounted movies, free events, or even just making a little picnic and bringing it to the woods. (that last one is SO cheap but SO sexy too. if someone did that for me, i'd be pretty much smitten right there.) oh! i just remembered where this "dating advice" came from: "tightwad's gazette". her theory was that if you're frugal yourself you probably want to attract a frugal mate, and you'll attract someone over instantly with your coupon-clipping ways.
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#93 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 03:21 PM
 
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thanks guys. caspian's mama - I think I made it sound like it was all their idea in my post. I brought it up, and I was thankful that they pushed me, because they never have and I needed a kick in the butt. I wouldn't put up with it a lot. The thing is, they have a lot of single friends and I just don't, so I'm trying to tap into their resources.

I guess my biggest problem is that I can be really honest and blunt and sometimes people don't get my humor. So, in trying avoid sounding mean or something I just end up saying nothing at all. Literally.
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#94 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 03:52 PM
 
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I guess my biggest problem is that I can be really honest and blunt and sometimes people don't get my humor. So, in trying avoid sounding mean or something I just end up saying nothing at all. Literally.
awww!!! that really sucks.

i do think a lot of guys (people in general actually) are scared off by strong, honest women. but that doesn't mean we should change ourselves to accommodate that mindset! i want to attract someone who looks at me and thinks "wow, this chick's a little :"... and sticks around for more! if someone's put off because of i'm acting a little "different" in a bar, what will s/he think when s/he sees where i live and finds out i don't use paper towels? or lysol? or advil?
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#95 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 05:32 PM
 
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Next weekend will be the 6 month milestone with my bf, T. I feel so strongly for him, so fully, so completely. I thought these kinds of feelings were dead in me, that I had outgrown them, since I had not felt this in such a long time. We both started saying "I love you" recently, which really has me in shock. He's never been married, has no kids, and I'm his first serious relationship ever (and we are both in our mid 30's).
I have not even been divorced quite a year yet.

And here I am. With very strong feelings. For a man who is far less "experienced" than I in terms of long term committments and sharing a life.

All logic says "Honey, this is wrong. You need at least a year before you start dating."

All emotion says "I love him." We definitely have our ups and downs, but every down is quickly resolved with both parties owning up to what they might have said or done to contribute to the "down". Even when we are in an altercation of some sort I feel secure in him and with him. There are things about him that drive me batty, that are soooo not me....but I do love the entire package.

This is not suppoesd to be possible. Am i headed for a train wreck? Is this relationship doomed from the start b/c I'm a recent divorcee?

And here is the real kicker, we are both members on the faculty of the same academic dept. Luckily we are of identical rank, so there is no conflict of interest. However we prefer to keep things on the down lo until we both complete tenure. So that complicates things, to be so involved with someone but not be able to be 100% completely open about to everyone. I bet when people do officially find out there will be no shock as we are obviously such close friends.

There is a part of me that just cant stop anticipating/expecting the train wreck.
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#96 of 114 Old 07-26-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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We definitely have our ups and downs, but every down is quickly resolved with both parties owning up to what they might have said or done to contribute to the "down". Even when we are in an altercation of some sort I feel secure in him and with him. There are things about him that drive me batty, that are soooo not me....but I do love the entire package.
The above says more about him, and the health of your relationship, than his lack of serious relationships. I have known many men with varied degrees of experience, who still have not reached this point.

Bf and I are just about to hit our 6 month mark and we have also had our share of ups n' downs. But, I am happy we have had those ups n' downs, because it shows how compatible, respectful and responsible we both are, in regards to how we resolve those issues. This is a biggie...to me.

Anytime you are close to someone, there will be things that will drive you batty. Even my own son drives me batty.

Be cautious in your anticipation/expectation of a trainwreck, as it can (at least it has for me) become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might find yourself looking for issues/problems when there are none.

There is no prescribed time limit for when to start dating after a divorce/break up. If it feels right to you, then it is the right time.

Sit back and enjoy the ride. Try to find a balance between your logic and your heart. Listen to your intuition.

Have fun!!!! It is an exciting time.
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#97 of 114 Old 07-27-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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how do you mamas relate to the men youve been dating in terms of parenting and ap? guy i was seeing told me i should spank 2 yo ds, and "force" ds to use the potty....etc....i just didnt see us working out after remarks like that...ugh

DS 5-11-06
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#98 of 114 Old 07-27-2008, 11:19 AM
 
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I'm really upfront about my parenting early on with someone because it's a HUGE deal breaker for me, so I want it to be all out there right at the beginning.
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#99 of 114 Old 07-28-2008, 10:50 AM
 
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awww!!! that really sucks.

i do think a lot of guys (people in general actually) are scared off by strong, honest women. but that doesn't mean we should change ourselves to accommodate that mindset! i want to attract someone who looks at me and thinks "wow, this chick's a little :"... and sticks around for more! if someone's put off because of i'm acting a little "different" in a bar, what will s/he think when s/he sees where i live and finds out i don't use paper towels? or lysol? or advil?
that's a really good point; you're so right. I think I just need a lot of encouragement right now because it's still so new for me.

I did get some hopeful news about this guy. Apparently he ran into my friend's dh and mentioned us all going to the game. He wanted to know when we should go and talked about going early and getting dinner. They said he was really "excited". When I interrogated friend's dh about it he said "well, no one is that excited about baseball." He wants to go this week. They told him to text me about it (side note- what is with the texting?! do any men call anymore?!) but I haven't gotten a text yet. It's been 3 days. The games are tomorrow or wednesday (and I can't go on wednesday). I don't have his number so I just have to wait around. I'm not very patient. sigh.

I went out with these friends again on saturday night and we had a great time. It was like somebody flipped a switch in me. I suddenly had no problem talking to loads of people that I barely know, many of them good looking guys. I think I really needed that pep talk they gave me, even more than I realized. It felt so good to just be confidant and people actually responded to me like my boring blather was interesting. I think I get it now. Confidence really is key.

I actually spent most of Saturday night talking with a man who in the past only ever seemed to humor me by listening and looking mildly interesting. I hear that he's hard to read and one can never tell whether he's interested or bored. But saturday was a totally different story. He was quite interested in everything I had to say, and we talked for hours. He's very good looking and nice and the type I'm usually completely intimidated by. I'm not sure if he's interested, but it was great to get that kind of attention. I seem to either get guys all over me (ick) or nothing, so it was a very nice change.
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#100 of 114 Old 07-28-2008, 10:53 AM
 
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how do you mamas relate to the men youve been dating in terms of parenting and ap? guy i was seeing told me i should spank 2 yo ds, and "force" ds to use the potty....etc....i just didnt see us working out after remarks like that...ugh
I don't have much experience, but I think what the others have said is vital. If you don't put it out there you run the risk of becoming attached to someone who could end up totally disagreeing with you on parenting. I'd much rather just write someone off than have to let go of someone I've come to like (or love). Though, I could use some practical tips on that front myself.
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#101 of 114 Old 07-28-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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I went out with these friends again on saturday night and we had a great time. It was like somebody flipped a switch in me. I suddenly had no problem talking to loads of people that I barely know, many of them good looking guys. I think I really needed that pep talk they gave me, even more than I realized. It felt so good to just be confidant and people actually responded to me like my boring blather was interesting. I think I get it now. Confidence really is key.

go, mama, go!


don't get too bugged about the texting. it's just waaay easier for us shy folks!
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#102 of 114 Old 07-28-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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how do you mamas relate to the men youve been dating in terms of parenting and ap? guy i was seeing told me i should spank 2 yo ds, and "force" ds to use the potty....etc....i just didnt see us working out after remarks like that...ugh
IMO, it depends on what you're looking for. A possible future husband, a serious boyfriend, even a friend that will spend a lot of time around ds (even supervised)--be very up front about it. On the other hand, for a Mr. Right-this-minute who will never even meet ds, maybe it doesn't matter so much.

Rachel, massage therapist and single mom :to Keanu 7/29/04 and Juniper 11/18/11!  Lovingfemalesling.GIFcd.gifnamaste.giflactivist.gifgd.giffambedsingle1.gif

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#103 of 114 Old 07-28-2008, 11:14 PM
 
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how do you mamas relate to the men youve been dating in terms of parenting and ap? guy i was seeing told me i should spank 2 yo ds, and "force" ds to use the potty....etc....i just didnt see us working out after remarks like that...ugh
These would be deal breakers to me. They would be red flags that if he's willing to be physically abusive to children, he would be willing to be that way to me even if he never met my kids.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#104 of 114 Old 07-29-2008, 10:34 AM
 
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It's Tuesday and this guy never called or texted. These things kill me. I hate the guessing game because all I do is think of worst case scenarios and wonder what stupid things I did to make him not call, and what drastic measures I should take to remedy the situation. Logically I know there's nothing I can do, and in this case I'm pretty sure I didn't mess it up, but it freaks me out to not know what's going on. My ex played a lot of mind games that really drained my self confidence. : The effects have lingered. Like I said before, I've been doing great with it, but I still fall back on that insecurity. God I wish he would just call.
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#105 of 114 Old 07-29-2008, 10:45 AM
 
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"These things kill me. I hate the guessing game because all I do is think of worst case scenarios and wonder what stupid things I did to make him not call, and what drastic measures I should take to remedy the situation. Logically I know there's nothing I can do, and in this case I'm pretty sure I didn't mess it up, but it freaks me out to not know what's going on."



this is kinda where i'm at too. like you, the wheels start spinning in my head after a day or so and it's hard to get off that track. i need to do a lot of work in this area- not just regarding romantic relationships but others as well- to obsess less. and i also need to remember that he should be *ecstatic* over the privilege of getting to call/text me. if he doesn't follow through on that, it's definitely his loss!
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#106 of 114 Old 07-29-2008, 11:33 AM
 
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"These things kill me. I hate the guessing game because all I do is think of worst case scenarios and wonder what stupid things I did to make him not call, and what drastic measures I should take to remedy the situation. Logically I know there's nothing I can do, and in this case I'm pretty sure I didn't mess it up, but it freaks me out to not know what's going on."



this is kinda where i'm at too. like you, the wheels start spinning in my head after a day or so and it's hard to get off that track. i need to do a lot of work in this area- not just regarding romantic relationships but others as well- to obsess less. and i also need to remember that he should be *ecstatic* over the privilege of getting to call/text me. if he doesn't follow through on that, it's definitely his loss!
Oh very well said! I am the same way with general obsessing, so of course it becomes an issue when I feel like I'm being evaluated and not worth someone's time. But really, I think this guy is into me, I really do, so I know that's not his reason for not calling. There's plenty of good reasons and I'll just have to wait and see. and I'm going to keep telling myself that.

I do have another, related problem. See, before this I was somewhat involved with another guy, we'll call him "Mr. trouble". By "involved" I mean that mr. trouble wanted to get into my pants, was paying lots of attention to me (texting constantly, asking me to come see him at his bar all the time) and was lots of fun. I know too much about mr. trouble, for instance that he only has open relationships, is emotionally unstable, moody, much older than me and still a child. But I was contemplating the repercussions of messing around with him.

At anyrate, mr. trouble blew me off the other day which really pissed me off. That night I hung out with the girls instead, and I already told you what happened (I sort of made a date with the other guy, "mr. relationships").

The problem is that after hanging out in mr. trouble's bar the other night and talking with people and feeling confidant and all but ignoring mr. trouble, he has texted me again. "You looked super cute last night. Where did you go?" You kidding me?

But now I'm feeling all insecure and am longing for all that pointless attention again. I know I don't want to get involved with mr. trouble because it would totally screw my chances with mr. relationships, but it's still at the back of my mind, and I worry that I have no self control.

I don't really know why I'm going into all this, but it's good to talk about it, and maybe, just maybe, someone here is interested and/or wants to give me advice. Or just tell me I'm way to good for this crap.
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#107 of 114 Old 08-02-2008, 02:52 AM
 
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lunar forest, your situation is something that I have repeated many times in life... RUN from Mr. Trouble, b/c you know it is pointless... it will ultimately lead to nothing worth your time and emotions.

Date Mr. Relationships and see how it goes... put yourself into that relationship...... being who Mr. Trouble is, he will be there, ready to get in your pants IF you and Mr. Relationships doesn't work out, b/c that is the only purpose for all those Mr. Troubles on this earth, if you choose to use them for that purpose.....
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#108 of 114 Old 08-03-2008, 05:18 PM
 
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I know this is still July, but I wanted to ask all of you your opinions on this. What do you think of his behavior, friendly (which is more than likely, knowing my luck) or something else. And yes, I still have to find out if he's still married or not before I do anything about this.....I won't mess with a married man.

Ok, I have posted about this man before, just because I had been curious as to why he has started to talk to me all of a sudden. My late h and I used to work at the same store he does, and he was a manager, not ours; so I've known him for quite some time.

Anyway, I had been to the store where he works and I hadn't seen him for a while. I saw him I think last week and I know that I noticed that when he saw me, his face changed; he smiled real big and at the same time, he became more "bright" for lack of a better term. I told him hi, he said hi and mentioned my girls, and we exchanged quick pleasantries (I was trying to get through somewhat quickly, and he seemed busy).

Saw him again yesterday and he saw me coming up the aisle, he smiled and said hello, walked over to where we were (kind of met halfway) and he mentioned my girls and how I have the crew with me (he always does as he has 3 girls of his own as well). We started to talk and I took notice of the fact that he walked from across the aisle where he was standing to come and stand next to me and talk to me. We chatted for a while about his kids, and his oldest not driving yet and I made mention about dad taking her out to teach her and he said, no, not too much, but her uncle took her out; no mention of his wife. He never mentions his wife. He asked about how my kids are doing and he asked what their names were again, he said he couldn't remember my middle child's name. I briefly told him about moving out of my mom's and he told me that he grew up around where we are living now. I would talk to him for a bit and then look away to check on my kids and then look back at him and he's just looking right at me and kind of smiling. When we talk, he looks right at me like he's really listening (whether he is or not, I have no idea).

Could he be interested and that's why he's acted the way he has? (I mean when I worked there years ago he never talked to me as much as he has within the past couple of months) Could he just be friendly? I don't know.....I'm hopeless.

Knowing my luck, he's probably still married and is just being friendly. I can't seem to find a guy who is single, halfway normal and interested in me. It's my talent in life, I suppose.

I will ask him next time how his wife is doing, just to try and find out about his marital status. I was going to yesterday, but I chickened out thinking he might see through my attempt and I don't want him to guess that I am into him-esp if he's married. KWIM? It's hard to guess because he doesn't wear his wedding ring like I remember him doing years ago; not that that means anything, I know lots of married people don't wear their rings.....

Just to mention again, I would NEVER act on my interest in him if I find out if he's married. I won't even try and flirt with him now, talk to him, yes, only b/c I don't know what his status is. If he isn't, then it's fair game

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#109 of 114 Old 08-03-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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i remember you posting before. it's hard to "read" someone from a description online but he doesn't sound dirtbag-ish. it sounds, in fact, like he might also be separated and maybe just always thought you were cute! it also sounds like he's been very gentlemanly about it so far. so go ahead and ask! or weasel around it (like i might do) and find out another way. but FIND OUT. maybe it's actually not too good to be true!
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#110 of 114 Old 08-04-2008, 09:25 AM
 
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LOL!! I thought about weaseling around it, but if I started asking at his work, lots of people there remember me and they might be like, hmmm.

I don't know, my luck so far with men has been: EVERY single guy I've been attracted to so far is either, married, dating someone, or not interested. The only guys attracted to me so far have been, just, odd. That's why I'm trying very hard not to get too excited about this, cause I just know, with my wonderful luck, that he's unavailable. That's just the way it is!! LOL!

But I will say, it would be quite an interesting turn if this would actually work out. I always kind of thought he was kind of cute and nice.

I think about how I'll always kind of catch him looking my way. I've noticed that he might be standing on the other side of an aisle talking to coworkers and he'll just keep shooting glances my way. Or like the other day, I didn't even notice him in the aisle until I looked up and (he was on the floor putting things on a shelf) his head just so happened to be turned in my direction, like he had been looking my way. There was no one behind me. When I started to continue on my way, that's when he stood up and came towards me. He actually stopped what he was doing to talk to me.

I will find out. Next time I'm in the store and I see him (watch, now I won't see him again for like a month), I'll just ask how his wife, ###, is doing. I'll have to practice hiding my disappointment and my feeling silly when he says (cause I just KNOW he will) she's fine.....

If nothing else, this will give me a little bit of harmless fun and excitement in my normal, everyday life...

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#111 of 114 Old 08-04-2008, 03:44 PM
 
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Jessica- I know how hard it is to figure out the difference sometimes, but it sounds like this guy is into you. It seems a little too friendly to just be, well, friendly. good luck! let us know how it goes.


I"m still really nervous about this whole dating thing. I haven't dated in a loooooong time, and when I did I was a teenager dating teenagers. That's a totally different dynamic in which a completely different set of rules applies. In other words, my experience gives me little to go on in the world of dating grown-ups. I'm still so worried I'm going to come on either too strong or disinterested (I seem to have only "over-excited" or "painfully shy" settings when it comes to men).


Thanks for your post, jrayn. I didn't think about the fact that mr trouble will probably always be there. That's actually pretty comforting. See, it's been 4 months since I gave up on dating a guy who just wasn't that exciting after very few dates, and before that it'd been well over a year (When I left XH). Now all of the sudden there's loads of guys, but I just don't know how to handle it.

I purposefully ran into mr. relationships last week, and we talked for a long time, we have some thigns in common (like gardening, which surprised me, and he seems to have a goofy geekiness about him that's much like mine, which I really didn't expect) He told me his "whole life story" and brought up how he's so good with kids, and generally seemed like a great guy, and quite interested. But he also kept referring to himself as a hermit, and how busy he is all the time, and things like that which made me wonder if he was trying to say "I like you, but now's not a good time". god I hope not.

The other problem there is that I didn't feel any sparks. I know that's not the end all be all, and that they can come later (right?!?), but I kind of have to keep reminding myself that I do like him and that he's quite a catch. That feels so strange to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am into him, but it's not this butterflies, weak in the knees kind of thing. And he's not my usual type (which is big headed hipster jerks, apparently).

And then there's the problem of this other guy, umm, mr. mysterious. He's very good looking, too, but more my traditional look (read: not clean cut), really laid back and confidant, and if it weren't for mr. relationships I'd be all over him. He seems into me, too. I really like to be just friends with him, but I can't deny that he intrigues me, and I keep thinking about him. Last weekend we spent hours talking to each other on my friends' porch, late into the night. It was great. He was so easy to talk to him, and he seemed to interested in what I had to say, which was mostly boring imo. I really want to see him again.

I'm a mess, aren't I? It's so weird to admit all this. i hope I don't seem crazy or pathetic. I kinda worried about that.
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#112 of 114 Old 08-04-2008, 04:20 PM
 
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Lunar forest, oooohh, that's exciting that you think he thinks that way!

And yeah, I totally feel like you do about this whole dating thing. I hardly ever dated before I got married and now, this is a totally different ballgame.....

Jessica, dizzy.gifmom to 3 little ladiesjumpers.gif and babygirl.gif babyboy.gif twins who can't figure out where her avatar came from.

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#113 of 114 Old 08-04-2008, 05:40 PM
 
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lunar mama, please don't get so down on yourself!!


i'm sure you're not nearly as boring as you think you are. i'm not exactly the hippest person on the planet but every now and again something witty still manages to escape my lips. if guys actually look bored when you're talking to them they probably just have a different agenda; often "will she just shut the hell up so we can make out??!" the biggest dating hurdle for me is to not overthink it. and definitely start tooting your own horn! it feels a little silly at first but if a guy doesn't call and you can tell yourself "pssh, good thing i weeded out that Undesirable before i wasted more time!" it feels pretty good and, eventually, becomes more natural. then, once your ego's riding nice and high, you'll start attracting all kinds of fabulous hotties!
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#114 of 114 Old 08-04-2008, 05:59 PM
 
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you're right, kelly, I'm way over thinking it. I do feel like I'm doing better about it in the moment, but once I get home I'm second guessing myself and jumping ahead and over thinking. I need to just go with the flow and be myself and open up.

My very cool, hip and interesting friends keep telling me I'm cool, hip, and interesting and have a lot to offer, but I don't feel like it, so it's hard to believe. Sometimes I'm all full of myself and confidant and and then I can see it, but most of the time I just compare myself to people who are so wholly different than me that I can only come up short.

And honestly, I feel like being a single mom I have to "make up" for the fact that I have kids. Like, I have to be that much more interesting because I come with kids than some young single girl. I know that's horrible to admit, and I would NEVER want to be with a guy who thought that, but that's at the back of my mind all the time.
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