Need some support! Kids at dads.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 07-12-2008, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
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Hey mamas, I need some support.

Backstory: My ex and I separated years before we divorced, tho we were off and on. We ended our relationship and started divorce proceedings after I caught him cheating with a minor. We have shared time with the kids pretty well for the last 2 years... moving to a 3 days a week 4 days for me schedule.

My partner and I decided abruptly to move to a different province, 8 hours from where we were living. My ex and I agreed that he would have the kids for the month of July, this being the first time he would have them for a month.... During this time his girlfriend moved back with her parents in a oil town in the very north to make money for them to move to city 3 hours from us..

(confused yet?)

So, my ex has my kids, alone, they are still going to their daycare they have been going to for the past year, every day from 8 to 5 while he works, so they have that stability, but they are acting out and are very very very upset. They don't really understand. They are only 5 and 3.

He wont let me talk to them more than once every 3 days. He just wont answer his phone. I texted him this morning asking how it was going and he sent a text back saying that he hated me, that I always made his life so hard and that I could talk to the boys every couple of days, that he wished he never met me.

Sigh, I feel sooo upset. My little boys are there, and I can't do anything about it. I want him to tell me to come get them, so I can have them back. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his time with them, but I am sooo upset. I can't wait to get them back, and honestly not have to see him twice a week, and have my boys have to go there.

They are upset. My 5 year old tells me that he hates it there, that he wants to be here, he keeps asking if I love him, and that he misses me.

My heart aches.
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#2 of 14 Old 07-12-2008, 02:40 PM
 
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I am very sorry you and your kids are suffering. The pain can be near paralyzing.

M
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#3 of 14 Old 07-12-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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I don't think it's surprising that they're acting out -- a big part of their world has gone, and fulltime parenting alone is a tough gig. Their dad is probably more stressed and busy than they're used to seeing him.

If it's not possible for you to get back there regularly-- like every other weekend -- to see them, and it's not possible or likely that their dad will move near you, then you may need to reconsider your move. If so, I'd do it sooner rather than later, because a short time to you is a long time to them.

I know it sucks. There are many (many) places I'd like to go now, and daily it seems I see some residency or fellowship I'd love to apply for, but can't because it involves a move. An aggravation is that when these things turn up locally, I'm not a good candidate because local applicants aren't sexy. I do have primary custody, not a share, so I could in theory take the girl with me, but it'd mean tearing her away from her dad, grandparents, etc., so obviously I won't. Instead, for the forseeable future, must make lemonade here. After a couple of exhausting years it seems to be working out pretty well.

Meanwhile, I'm sorry it's so rough on all concerned. I hope things improve soon.
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#4 of 14 Old 07-12-2008, 09:33 PM
 
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sorry it sounds like a hard situation.
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#5 of 14 Old 07-15-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Oh nym, I'm so sorry.

Is your custody arrangement backed up by a court document, or is it informal? If it's informal, I'd probably go ahead and go to court and get it formalized. And I'd also see if they would add something that requires daily phone contact.

For the time being, try to get up there if you can, or just do your best to reassure them when you do talk to them. I am so sorry.
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#6 of 14 Old 07-16-2008, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
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Well it has become more shitty

My children are aware (not by my doing just by seeing) that their dad doesn't answer the phone when I call. They hav to ask him to talk to me.
I talked to thier daycare this morning and they are not doing well there. The daycare staff is aware of what is going on and are very supportive. My youngest is very attached to one staff member (has been since the beginning) and wont let her leave the room or hold any of the othr kids without going into hysterics. My oldest is peeing on things in a desperate attempt for attention.
I have my partners mom going to visit them at daycare today. I phoned my worker at the Ministry of Children and Families, she is going to see them.
I finally got some sort of response from my ex after texting him for days that I need to talk to him about the kids. I am going to talk to him tonight, hopefully, and I am fully prepared to lie and say I have to work on the weekend I was supposed to work and say I have to pick them up this weekend.
I phoned family maintenance about the letter thing he made me sign saying he was only paying me a pittance of the c/s he owes me because he has the kids this month and they said "oh so you gave him a receipt for the amount he gave you, still means he owes you the rest, I guess he is in arrears" They agreed to wait until I get the kids back before informing him of this.

Pray for me that I go get them this weekend...
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#7 of 14 Old 07-16-2008, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
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I wanted to add...

I have to phone 12-15 times to get to talk to my kids every 2 days. I have texted my ex about the kids every day, and I have received 2 responses.. one that he hated me, that he wished he never met me and that me talking to the kids ruins his day. and the other today saying "tonight" in response to my repeated attempts to talk to him about the kids.

My kids are not getting enough sleep, they dont go to bed until 9 ( my oldest told me this, and I routinely talk to them at about 8:45 their time) and are up at 6, they spend all day at daycare (7:30 to 5:30) and are very angry, according to daycare staff..

I am so worried about how all this is affecting them, mentally and emotionally...



On top of all of this, my grandma died yesterday

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#8 of 14 Old 07-16-2008, 02:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nym View Post

Sigh, I feel sooo upset. My little boys are there, and I can't do anything about it.
I think you should consider moving back, or at least staying w/family or friends during the month to be near your kids. This is a huge upheaval for small children, and if your X has basically never had the kids, alone, for more than a couple of days, I can't imagine that this is going to work out well within the next few weeks. And if they've never gone more than a few days w/o seeing you, this is a very long stretch to suddenly have to cope with.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but it's what I'm seeing. That said, I'm sorry about your Grandma and how tough this all is - I can't imagine the stress.
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#9 of 14 Old 07-16-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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I am so so so so sorry. It breaks my heart that they (and you) are dealing with this. I'll be thinking good thoughts for all of you.
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#10 of 14 Old 07-17-2008, 09:45 PM
 
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Well, you said yourself that you and your partner decided to move abruptly. Honestly, why should ur kid's father have to suffer and not see the kids because of that. He didn't ask for that. He went from getting them three days a week to getting them for a month straight and then what. I personally think that it would be VERY selfish on your part if you tried to cut his month short because you miss the kids. He is going to miss them when they go back, and that is going to be hard on him.

If he called them everyday, would you let him talk to him everyday? I think that the kids just need time to readjust to a new situation and their father needs time and space to help them adjust to the new "role" that he has been dealt out.

Sorry, this probably goes against everything anyone else will say here, but I always try to lay the devil's advocate too. I honestly feel bad for your ex in a way.

Christina:~Student mama to Collyn(13), Haylea-Ann (9):, and Natalie (8) , and SO to Jeff.
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#11 of 14 Old 07-17-2008, 09:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Pagan_princess View Post
Well, you said yourself that you and your partner decided to move abruptly. Honestly, why should ur kid's father have to suffer and not see the kids because of that. He didn't ask for that. He went from getting them three days a week to getting them for a month straight and then what. I personally think that it would be VERY selfish on your part if you tried to cut his month short because you miss the kids. He is going to miss them when they go back, and that is going to be hard on him.

If he called them everyday, would you let him talk to him everyday? I think that the kids just need time to readjust to a new situation and their father needs time and space to help them adjust to the new "role" that he has been dealt out.

Sorry, this probably goes against everything anyone else will say here, but I always try to lay the devil's advocate too. I honestly feel bad for your ex in a way.
I think that was totally uncalled for.

This has nothing to do with how the ex feels about nym moving away. It has everything to do with how he's treating the children and with their well being. They are obviously upset, and the ex can't seem to provide any support or stability for them right now. It's gotten bad enough that other parties are having to intervene. That's not good parenting.

You're allowed to hate your ex as much as you want. But when it comes to kids, you have to be responsible and suck it up and get past it. I can't imagine why the OP wouldn't let her kids talk to their dad whenever he called. Refusing to let the kids speak to her, especially when they are so obviously in distress and know that he is not letting her talk to them is abuse.
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#12 of 14 Old 07-17-2008, 10:08 PM
 
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#13 of 14 Old 07-20-2008, 05:08 PM
 
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I am sorry, but I don't feel that what I said was uncalled for.

The kids are having a hard time adjusting to the change. That is to be expected. I think that it is good that there are others involved to help with the kids adjustment. But, the OP lying just to get the kids back earlier in my opinion is wrong.

We are each entitled to have our own opinions on things and when someone posts something like that in a place that is as diverse as MDC then there are bound to be people that have ones that may differ from others.

I was polite and respectful in stating my differences in opinion.

Christina:~Student mama to Collyn(13), Haylea-Ann (9):, and Natalie (8) , and SO to Jeff.
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#14 of 14 Old 07-24-2008, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
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I thank you all for your advice, and pagan princess for her dissention. My ex and I talked and he said that he thought it was too long for the kids to be there without me. While he wanted to spend time with them, he was working full time and they were not getting the attention and support they needed in a time that was uncertain for them. He asked me to come get them, and wanted to see if he could have them for another two weeks in the future. I readily agreed.

I was prepared to lie to get my kids back into something stable, but I didn't need to. I was able to talk to him finally as a responsible adult instead of the hurt child he acts like most of the time.

My ex loves his kids, but he is glad I moved. The city we lived in was dying and the work situation was dismal. My ex is close to bankruptcy but wouldnt leave to go to camp because of the kids and our arrangement and his g/f. He told me he was relieved that we moved because now he is off to work in the mine.
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