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#61 of 91 Old 08-23-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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Hey everyone. I've been mostly lurking in this forum for a while. I've been separated for 9 months and I have 3 kids, 14, 6, and 3.

I've been kind of lonely, interested in meeting new people, but I'm too shy to meet in person. So, I've been doing the internet dating thing. It's been quite fun, actually. I've gone on half a dozen or so first dates in the last month. All of them were fine, but no spark, y'know? Until last night.

I had a really nice date with the guy I met last night, we had tons of stuff in common, and he was way cuter than his pictures. What we are looking for in a relationship is exactly the same. We had dinner and then went for a long walk by the beach. I was really liking him and was totally attracted to him.

I don't drive, so I was planning to cab it, but he offered me a ride home. I said "no, no I'll take a cab" and he stopped and thought about it for a second and said he'd drive me almost home, but leave me a couple of blocks away to protect my privacy. I though that was kind of sweet, and a good sign of respect of boundaries, so I accepted the ride. He dropped me off, gave me a hug, and said he'd call me soon. Lovely night, I was soooo dreamy about it.

So, there was one thing that bothered me. I need advice on this, please.
When I agreed to let him drive me home, he said, "so, you're about 4900 north right?" I swear I NEVER told him that. I told him about how many miles I was from where he lived, but not that specifically. Is that weird or am I paranoid? I didn't get any weird vibes from him at all, other than that. I'm just a little creeped out that he might have found some way to find out my address. I didn't give him my last name or my home phone or anything. ?????

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#62 of 91 Old 08-23-2008, 03:37 AM
 
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So, there was one thing that bothered me. I need advice on this, please. When I agreed to let him drive me home, he said, "so, you're about 4900 north right?" I swear I NEVER told him that. I told him about how many miles I was from where he lived, but not that specifically. Is that weird or am I paranoid? I didn't get any weird vibes from him at all, other than that. I'm just a little creeped out that he might have found some way to find out my address. I didn't give him my last name or my home phone or anything. ?????
hmm, that's weird. my first thought was that he googled you or something, based on your name and internet profile from the dating site. but if he didn't have your last name that might have been more difficult. i always google people.

did you mention a store or restaurant or something that you like to frequent near your place? with all the info from all your convos could he have put it together?

i guess my instinct would be to bring it up, in a casual manner, if you see him again. 'hey, this is kind of weird, and maybe i said something in passing but i'm totally confused... how did you know the area i live in? i didn't think i mentioned it." (<--and make that face. ) i'd just smile and play it cool and see his reaction. if you didn't pick up any other vibes i'd guess it's something totally explainable.
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#63 of 91 Old 08-23-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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did you mention a store or restaurant or something that you like to frequent near your place? with all the info from all your convos could he have put it together?

i guess my instinct would be to bring it up, in a casual manner, if you see him again. 'hey, this is kind of weird, and maybe i said something in passing but i'm totally confused... how did you know the area i live in? i didn't think i mentioned it." (<--and make that face. ) i'd just smile and play it cool and see his reaction. if you didn't pick up any other vibes i'd guess it's something totally explainable.
I told him what neighborhood I live in, but not that specific. I live ON the 4900 block. The main street in my neighborhood is 4800 N. That's why it gave me a weird feeling.

And I called him on it right away. I gave him a more suspicious look than , but not quite like :. He said I'd mentioned it earlier in the conversation, but I do NOT remember doing so. It just seems fishy somehow.

I know he did some googling. He knew the meaning of my username, which is pretty obscure. He must have done a lot of googling too, because I don't use the conventional spelling of it either. I tried searching my cell# and my username to see what I got and it didn't bring up anything about me. I googled him (his email is in his first and last name) and only got a bunch of 5K and 10K results. He did talk about running, so that meshes.

I'm still waiting for him to call me anyway. He said he would and I hope he does, even if he did do something suspicious. If we do see each other with any kind of regularity, I'll probably bring it up again eventually.

I'm still swooning a little, 'cuz he's dreamy.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#64 of 91 Old 08-25-2008, 02:54 AM
 
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I am in an official relationship!!! all is awesome between me and him, I always feel like I am on cloud 9 w/ him and after leaving we speak later and he tells me he feels the same way, b-4 I reveal that I felt that way

He told me that when he thinks of his future plans, we are included in it which was so reassuring, said many things that I wanted to hear, he answered questions I had...I didn't have to even ask for how he was feeling about these things, and what was really shocking was that he discussed finding a house after his current lease is up and depending on where we were at and what I wanted, he pretty much was saying we could move w/ him!!!!!!!
We started talking in June, met in July.... his lease isn't up until May but wow!!! This is from a guy who's longest relationship is 1 year! Which is kind of scary... we have talked about this though.

I have felt very vulnerable lately b/c we don't get much time together and was afraid that would be a problem, he said he would love more time but savors what we do get.
Anyways, my ex.... I left him b/c he became a drug addict, he has been non-existent for at least 2 months and minimally present b-4 then... does not provide any kind of financial assistance either, well he calls, he found out I am in a relationship and he starts telling me how he has cleaned up and was trying to get his life in order to get us back.... :
After this big speech the next day he wants to see the girls... but our phone conversation was him harassing me about being in this relationship and he wanted me to tell him who the guy was but I refused to tell him. So when we went to visit him he didn't speak to me hardly at all (oh how people just never change... old tactics... among other annoyances that resurfaced it reinforces the fact that it was a really good idea to leave him).
I hope ex doesn't start a bunch of crap now.....
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#65 of 91 Old 08-25-2008, 03:08 AM
 
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but it's so hard not to yearn for the carefree days of my 20's when I was kid free and hot and had disposable income, kwim?
I totally know what you mean. I met every man I ever dated, including the man I eventually married, on a dance floor! Now I'm divorced, not doing any of the online stuff yet cuz I'm not actively looking, but I am missing the ability to go out clubbing all night. (Yeah, I could get a babysitter, but I know it wouldn't be the same as when I was 20. I wouldn't want it to be, lifestyle-wise, but the hot body part is missed. Luckily yoga helped me lose 25 pounds, without even trying, but there's mostly women in my class!). :
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#66 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 02:50 AM
 
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We fell in love hard, and fast. To the point that if anyone were to see up in public they'd just stare, and either smile or throw up! I've loved and been in love before, and so has he. But we both agree, that what we have is at a new level. We both seem to have the same set of healthy skills, and the same balanced outlook. This guy has everything a girl would want in a man. Great job, responsible, loyal, loving, funny, happy, great in bed, emotional, balanced, romantic, understanding, healthy, the list goes on and on.

He told me that he's, "falling in love with me." That if he gives it another week, he'd practically have me moved in with him. Then he dropped the bomb. He said that a few of his friends have been lecturing him. And he's made a decision not to be in a relationship right now. He says that he just got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship in May, with someone who was very unstable and treated him badly. He was so nice he let her treat him that way. She physically abused him, cheated on him, degraded him in public, took advantage of his money, etc. He says that ever since he was 19, he's been in a relationship. He says he always needs to be in a relationship, and that he needs to learn to want me, not just need me. That he needs to learn how to be happy and complete while alone, before he can be a good partner. He said that he still wants to spend time with me and have me in his life. He said he was very impressed by how I'm handling this, and that I'm everything he wants in a partner. He said that if he doesn't work on this part of himself, he won't be the best partner he can be, when he does start a relationship.

I asked him these questions.

1. Are your feelings for me genuine, or just because you need to be in a relationship?
- He instantly said his feelings were as genuine.

2. I told him that this is usually my line when I'm not interested in someone. And asked him to go ahead and be truthful, if there's more too it, so that I can move on.
- His reply was that he wants to try again with ME, in maybe 6 months. And that he wishes he had met me, 6 months from now.

He asked me again, if I'd remain in his life. I said, "Yes, there's no way I couldn't." I need to ask him exactly HOW he wants me as a friend. I told him that although I'm very sad, I feel happy and excited for him and his process. I want to be with this man more then anything! I'll do my part to respect his path.

Now for my question.... How do I be his friend? How do I deny everything that feels natural? I find it hard not to flirt, but I do not want to treat him like a brother or something. How do I not smile at him, and gush at him?

And isn't my presence in his life going to slow down this process? As long as I am around, he's always going to want me. How the heck is he going to learn to be happy alone, when he already has feelings for someone that he wants to be with, and that someone is around, reminding him?

If I leave his life.... then he might forget what we had and find someone new....

He wants me to come with him and his friends to see his favorite band, like we had planned. (on the 5'th and 6'th) And 'dance' with him. I already feel nervous about how to 'act.'

I really want to respect his decision.
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#67 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 09:12 AM
 
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can I just say....

.....that I am carrying on a raging email flirtation exchange with someone I met on line, and it is So Much Fun

This single thing is turning out to be great
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#68 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 10:39 AM
 
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Clementine, be your lovely, fun self! Don't change,keep flirting, respect his boundaries but don't change who you are. He fell in love with you for a reason. It is natural for people to need some space after long term relationships and for him to fall for you so quickly may have been a bit overwhelming. He may need to remember who he is outside of a relationship. Dance, have fun!
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#69 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 11:44 AM
 
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can I just say....

.....that I am carrying on a raging email flirtation exchange with someone I met on line, and it is So Much Fun

This single thing is turning out to be great

Don't get too excited yet. I've had some of those turn out to be really blah or creepy in person.

Hopefully yours will be awesome!

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#70 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 11:57 AM
 
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If I leave his life.... then he might forget what we had and find someone new....

If he forgets so easily then it wasn't real to begin with.

I went through this scenerio with my ex and it was a painful mess that drug on for years. I highly recommend cutting off contact with him. He'll need to work out these issues on his own.
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#71 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 12:21 PM
 
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I agree, clementine, that you should just be yourself. I can't really see how he'll be able to accomplish what he wants with you around, either, but you have to remember that it's his process and only he can figure this all out.



So I hung out with this guy (what did I call him, mr. mysterious?) on saturday night. I can't really figure him out. We had a good time, I think, but he mostly talked to my (married) friend. I was at the bar with a group of friends, and he was there with a friend. They came over to our table and said hi (they all know each other, for the most part) and went to find a place at the bar. there weren't any seats so they were just standing there. He kept looking over at me while he was talking. A few times we made eye contact and he smiled. It was nice, but it wasn't exactly flirting. I don't know what it was. Some of our party left and I went over to offer the seats to them. I achieved smart and witty and charming and pretty, or at least the last three.

But here's the weird part: He went out of his way not to take the seat next to me. He talked to my friend most of the night, though included me in the conversation somewhat. At one point there were these two very young girls (I was surprised they were even IN a bar) who were barely clothed and giggly drunk. We all rolled our eyes at them and the old men at the bar ogling them. But just a few minutes later he went over and flirted with them. I'm sure I made that face. The friend he was with (whom our relationship consists of giving each other a hard time) said "oh you just don't like competition." I was all "am I that obvious?" and if I was, what was his deal?

At close we went back to hang out on my friend's porch and he came with us. The four of us (me, my friend, her dh, and this guy) talked a lot and had a good time, but I almost felt like I was intruding. It was strange. It was pretty late when he announced that he was leaving. He kept asking if I was going to sleep there (I live 20 mins away) and I told him I wasn't sure yet, but that's I hadn't been drinking that much and would probably just go home because I don't want to get woken up by her kids in the am. It seemed (and my friends agreed) that he wanted to ask me over. He was a little drunk and tired. He didn't, obviously, but we ended up talking about his place, and each other's plans for the next day. We were all invited to a BBQ, but didn't plan to go. I said he should give me a call if he ended up going, and he said that he was pretty sure that he wouldn't, and AI said we should hang out sometime and he said definitely and he'd take my number for that. Then I gave him a hug and he left.

I went in and talked with my friends who'd apparently given us privacy. they agreed the whole thing seemed odd. i just don't know what to make of it. What do you think? I don't know why this can't just be simple.

ETA: I wonder if he thought I was involved mr. relationships and not availible. that would make a lot of sense. hmm.
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#72 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 01:34 PM
 
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So my cool casual thing is going sour. I'm very confused and hurt and pissed off. He texted me on sun. wanting to hang out, and we made tentative plans for that night but nothing solid, he told me he'd text me when he was done with some stuff he needed to do. He never did.

Finally, at a bit after midnight, I texted him and made a joke about him forgetting about me...and he never responded.

This isn't characteristic of him....he can be a bit flaky in terms of telling me he wants to hang out and then something comes up...but he has always texted me, never left me totally hanging like this.

And his timing for acting this way is horrible. Normally I am pretty strong, but due to some issues with my ex, I am feeling so vunerable and emotional. So I'm taking this rejection/snubbing pretty harshly.

I just feel like I'm never going to meet anyone that can give me what I want.

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#73 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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i'm gonna jump in and give a BIG shout out for the book beloved k recommended. i'm still not exactly thrilled with my current celibacy : but i feel a good deal better about waiting for "mr/ms cool" to come find ME instead of wasting my efforts on "mr/ms maybe" (or "mr big a-hole drunk loser" ). the cover freaked me out a bit because it's awfully girly (and totally hetero of course) but it kinda rocks that i requested it through interlibrary on c's dad's account so HE picked it up and brought it home, heh heh.

seriously, get thee to a library and flip through it. it's funny but endearing and really gives you a nice boost. (hate to say it but helps that most of it's written by a guy and he's really good about pushing those warm, fuzzy, high-esteem vibes on ya. )
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#74 of 91 Old 08-26-2008, 03:44 PM
 
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That's funny - the library just called me today to say that it came in and I can come pick it up.
The woman on the phone even said "good luck" to me. I dunno what that's about, but it cracked me up nonetheless.
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#75 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 05:04 AM
 
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editing because my STBX knows my username and I don't want drama
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#76 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 09:39 AM
 
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Thank you for all the advice. I will surely come back and return the favor. For right now, I just feel too depressed. Anyway, thanks again.
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#77 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 12:44 PM
 
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Thank you for all the advice. I will surely come back and return the favor. For right now, I just feel too depressed. Anyway, thanks again.

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#78 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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Ok, I've had my first real experience dating since the breakup, and I have to say that it has left this confident, self-assured mama feeling very insecure and vulnerable. Aaack!

it will pass. maybe you just needed it to clear the way for a new, amazing person to enter your life!

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#79 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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Ok, I've had my first real experience dating since the breakup, and I have to say that it has left this confident, self-assured mama feeling very insecure and vulnerable. Aaack!
I know the feeling.
I love the quote in your sig. So cute!


So my cute guy never called. WTF?? I thought he was interested, but it's been 5 days. I told him I was going to be really busy for the next few weeks. I still think he probably would've called by now if he really intended to.

I'm still debating about sending a really tiny email. Just a "hi, how're ya doin'?" maybe? Thoughts?

Arggh. I think I need that book everyone's reading.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#80 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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It's funny because there was this guy at a natural foods store who always flirted pretty heavily with me so i finally gave him my number and he seemed excited about calling me but i did not hear from him for a week. I was surprised for sure. Finally i went into the store after that week and was really nonchalent and said hi to him. He immediatley apologized for not calling and it ended up that he had been arrested for a DUI! He asked me if i would still want to go out with him after something like that and he was super embarrased. Sometimes it is not because they just aren't into you!
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#81 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 06:58 PM
 
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He immediatley apologized for not calling and it ended up that he had been arrested for a DUI! He asked me if i would still want to go out with him after something like that and he was super embarrased. Sometimes it is not because they just aren't into you!

Did you go out with him anyway? That would be a turn-off for me.

The last bit of conversation I had with this guy was him saying he'd call me and me explaining that I was gonna be super busy for the next couple of weeks and I didn't know when I'd be able to see him again. He responded, "that's ok, I'm not in a hurry." Which almost melted my heart. So, I think it's possible he's trying not to rush me, but I'm doubtful.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#82 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 07:23 PM
 
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i wasn't going to reply but...

i think saying that getting a DUI is a valid reason for someone not to call is a bit of a stretch. (it would also be a big, shiny, flashing RED FLAG for me.) the way i see it, he's obviously way more into drinking and f*ing up his life than hanging with you. if i knew that about someone from the get-go, i wouldn't be seeking to spend much more time with him/her. i have no prejudice against drinking or even using natural (plant) drugs but i know i need to really keep my head up when getting involved with someone who does use/drink because his/her boundaries might be really different from my own.

not trying to preach (especially since i'm trying to get over a crush on someone who's a depressed alcoholic) just a and reminder that you deserve someone FANTASTIC... like you are!
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#83 of 91 Old 08-27-2008, 11:32 PM
 
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I know the feeling.
I love the quote in your sig. So cute!


So my cute guy never called. WTF?? I thought he was interested, but it's been 5 days. I told him I was going to be really busy for the next few weeks. I still think he probably would've called by now if he really intended to.

I'm still debating about sending a really tiny email. Just a "hi, how're ya doin'?" maybe? Thoughts?

Arggh. I think I need that book everyone's reading.
You're the first to ever comment about the quote in my sig! Thanks!

So I would email him -ask him out. Nothing to lose!
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#84 of 91 Old 08-28-2008, 12:00 AM
 
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Nope, i didn't go out with him. I am with someone really special right now.
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#85 of 91 Old 08-28-2008, 11:49 AM
 
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awesome! :
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#86 of 91 Old 08-28-2008, 06:17 PM
 
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edited because I realized my STBX knows my username and I don't want any drama
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#87 of 91 Old 08-28-2008, 09:48 PM
 
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That is sort of like my guy. We text every day but due to our schedules we average about 1x a week and it has been more or less what you described for a while. We have been out, and talk about going out...but it hasn't happened for a while.

I don't exactly mind, and he did apologize for ignoring me last weekend, but I'm looking for something more...so hopefully will meet someone else soon

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#88 of 91 Old 08-29-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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see above post
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#89 of 91 Old 08-29-2008, 03:34 PM
 
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I'm so happy for you mamas with good stuff going on. I really feel good every time a hear a hopeful story. I just wish I had one to share. I'm feeling so down about dating. I don't know how I will ever have enough time to meet people and weed through all the jerks and losers and the just-not-right-for-me guys.
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#90 of 91 Old 08-29-2008, 04:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emma_goldman View Post
I feel so inspired by this guy to be a good person and a good partner.
This is exactly what I have had the joy of experiencing with my bf for the past almost 7 months.

I can honestly say that because of my bf and our relationship... I have become a better person.
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