Gaah! I'm now totally freaking out. I'm really worried I messed up here.
I ended up seeing mr. relationships on friday night. We had a good time just talking and hanging out. He was telling me all about his gardens and this new fountain he put in and then later invited me and my friend to come see it (he lives just around the corner from where we hang out). I told him my friend had to go home, but I was happy to come see.
So I saw the lovely gardens (and was seriously impressed) and his lovely house, and his lovely art. But he still hadn't as much as put his hand on my shoulder. So it was becoming really obvious that he would never make a move if I didn't. So as he's setting up his computer to show me pictures of his fancy vacation, a great line comes to me and I decide it's now or never. So I walked over to him, got much closer than I had before and said "You know, I didn't come here to see pictures." He smiled and I kissed him. When he put his arms around me I totally melted. It was great.
He was sweet and gentlemanly and considerate. We dtd and he just assumed I would stay over, so I did. He was snuggly, and I woke up a few times in the night with his arms around me. I had to get back home early in the morning, so I only got about three and a half hours sleep, and we dtd again before I left.
He initiated that.
So when I left he was so sweet and kissed me goodbye and said "I'll see you tonight". I spent the rest of the day walking on air. I went home and took the kids to the beach and climbed rocks and played in the waves, then we got lunch and went to another beach and built sand castles and climbed more rocks, and met up with my mom and sisters and their dogs, got ice cream, and went hiking and met up with friends, too, and did more hiking. Then I went home, slept for two hours, got up, hit the coffee hard and went out again.
HE went back to bed after I left, got up and went to work. When I met up with him he said he was really tired and had a long day. I told him all about my long day, and we agreed we'd leave the crowded bar and go to a smaller one. We watched some tv and talked in the other bar. I thought we had the best conversations we'd had yet. Though, he did ask me about my births (he already knew that'd me and my friend had home births). I gave him the briefest run down (My first was 37 hours of hard labor, but it was beautiful and life changing, my second was much shorter, which caught me off guard so I ended up not calling my midwife in time and had her in the shower). I should have known that no one is ever happy with the details of the unassisted shower birth, but for some reason I thought, this guy really doesn't want/need to know that. But of course he wanted to hear more about it. I told him it would just freak him out, but he insisted so I gave him the censored version. that was hard because normally I reenact the noises, tell the funny comments my (then)husband made (I.e. "you look all crazy, but you sound like you're having sex - how do you feel?" "Like I'm having crazy sex!") and talk in depth about how I felt and what was going on in my mind.
I think I managed to tell him about it without totally freaking him (and the bartender, and the several people around us) out, while still conveying the pain and beauty and intense hormonal rush. But I mean, that's not really good date conversation. Not long after that the bar closed, we left and he said he was just going to call it a night cause he didn't get much sleep and had a big day tomorrow (had a big deal work thing, but it didn't start till after 3pm). I said "you sure you don't want any company?" and he said he was sorry, and just tired, and that I didn't want get immersed in him right now 'cause he's just crabby
. Whatever. So he hugged me and kissed me goodbye on the cheek
, and said "see you later", then I left. It was only 2:15am, and I know he's almost always out later than that.
Now, I get it, I did keep him up the night before
and I can understand needing to rehabilitate after that, but it just seemed so impersonal. I couldn't help feeling really rejected. Here I am, putting myself out there -which is especially hard for me- I feel like it's going well and bam! Good night. It wasn't about having sex again, it was that I thought we'd be a little more comfortable, and close. I felt that way. I grew up with pretty traditional morals (which didn't stop me from getting knocked up at 16, but I digress) so of course my mind goes straight to "see, you shouldn't have slept with him - you ruined everything." But it's not really like that, is it? I mean, I don't want to have to use sex as a weapon, holding out like it's some carrot on a stick. If a guy's not going to be interested after he gets laid I'd rather find that out before I get to attached anyway.
So, I said all that to ask: what do you think? Is he just trying to back off a little and take it slow? Was he just legitimately tired and I was crossing the line to expect to just intrude on his life like that? Is it possible that the sex was so bad he wanted to cut his loses? Did I freak him the heck out with my birth story and my somewhat sudden openness? Do you think he'll call me? What should I do?!