Would you let him see ds? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 09:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Most of you know the background story- ds is 5. I left ex when he was not quite 2 months old. Ex has been in and out of ds's life for years. Ex does have visitation, but it's at my discretion. A little over a year ago ds and I moved to a different state (2 states away). We go back to our home state about every 2 months for a weekend (all my family lives there too). I sent ex a letter letting him know when we would be in town.... which he ignored and never contacted me about seeing Owen for awhile after we left. The last couple times he has seen Owen for a few hours each weekend (there is hope! He was getting better and seeing ds consistantly!). Last visit he totally flaked on the Sunday visit and never showed up or called. When I wrote him that letter I made it clear that if he wanted to see Owen when we were there he needed to contact me AT LEAST 3 days before the visit so that I could make sure to arrange our schedule around it.

Fast forward to now. I told ex on October 3rd (ds's birthday) that we would be in town this weekend (he could see ds Friday, Saturday and/or Sunday). He said he wanted to see him and would let me know when he knew his work schedule. Fine, I understand that. He gets his work schedule on Saturday, Sunday at the latest. It's now Thursday morning and I haven't heard from him. Unless he contacts me today and sees him on Sunday, he breaks my "3 day rule". So... if he does contact me today asking to see ds tomorrow or Saturday should I let him? I feel if I do I'm just teaching him that it's okay to walk all over me and jerk us all around like that. On the other hand, if he saw ds either of those mornings it's not really messing with our schedule too much (I kept both those mornings open in case he contacts me).

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#2 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 10:28 AM
 
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well this is how I look at it...

since it's owen's bday month (wow how time has flown), AND you have some flexibility AND he hasnt seen owen this last time - i would give him a last chance. does he take owen to his mom's so she can see him at least too? wouldnt she want to see him?

but this would be it. this time and no more!!!!

but it seems like either way its a no win situation. he cant seem to keep his word even when he answers.

that is so so so awesome that you guys make it back there every two months. really awesome!!!!!

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#3 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks

He did see Owen the last time we were in Michigan- he just skipped the Sunday visit (he saw him Saturday).

He doesn't take Owen alone. I supervise all visits now. His mom hasn't seen Owen in over a year since before we moved She's ill so hasn't been able to make it to any of the visits. This last time I talked to her and she said she would be there for the Sunday visit. Apparently she overslept and nobody woke her up so she missed it. Ex's sister and her 2 kids have seen Owen most of the visits though. We had been taking them all to the park to play (dp and I hang back and let ex and his family do their thing).

Not being able to go to ex's house for visits makes it hard though. But his house (or, rather, his parents house) isn't a safe place. The smoking issue is one but more importantly is the last time we were there (before we moved) there were GUNS and KNIVES everywhere. Left in plain view of the kids (a little climbing and the kids would have had them easy). I vowed right then and there that there would be no more visits at that house.

I haven't talked to ex's mom about this visit so I don't know how she's feeling. I may drive ds over there super quick on Halloween to show off his costume and see how she's feeling. Maybe she'll want to get together sometimes this weekend, even if ex doesn't.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#4 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 10:57 AM
 
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awwww steph she would love it. it would be so special. specially when she wants to. it would also be so nice if the cousins saw each other in their costume too. that would be sooo special.

wow guns AND knives?!!!! he has no clue does he? none at all!!!

uh oh i can see the upcoming winter is going to be a drag if you guys meet at a park now. weather permitting.

steph you truly are an amazing mama. i remember your history even with your ex too. you truly are an inspiration to all of us here - with just the life you lead. should i date long distance? and look where its got you. but mostly that you are able to put your foot down and get the best that you can within your means for your son. to me that is the piece i most treasure. inspite of all the heartache you went thru.

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#5 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
On the other hand, if he saw ds either of those mornings it's not really messing with our schedule too much (I kept both those mornings open in case he contacts me).
First of all, Happy 5th Birthday to Owen!!!! :

I think that as long as it is not interferring with any of your and Owen's plans and/or a huge imposition on you and Owen, then I would let him have the opportunity.

He is not walking all over you, as long as he accepts the consequence of not being able to see Owen, due to other plans or from being a huge imposition for you and Owen, if he chooses to arrange a visit time at the last minute.
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#6 of 7 Old 10-30-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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I can't believe Owen's already 5. How much your lives have changed in that time!!!

I agree with Holland and meemee...if it works and is easy for you, I'd accomodate, if not, he'll have to plan better next time.
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#7 of 7 Old 11-03-2008, 11:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies! Turns out, it was a non-issue. He never contacted me all weekend (which is a little bit of a surprise because he had been doing well).

I did call ex's parents house Friday evening to see if they were home before I brought ds over to do a quick costume show off, but noone answered so I didn't waste my time going over there.

I did talk to ex's sister Friday night and we met at a park Saturday to let Owen and her 2 kids play for a little while. She originally said her mom was going to come too, but she didn't show up. Oh well, I did what I could. Ex's sister also said she told ex that she was meeting us (and when and where) and he said he was going to call me to meet us there too. But he never called and never showed up so... don't know what happened there.

Ex is apparently still dating this girl he's been with for a little while. She just moved in with him. Although, after talking to ex's sister I question whether this girl knows about Owen. From the sounds of it, she doesn't. But, that's not my business

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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