checking out x's place before overnights - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 09:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do I have "the right" to check out x's new apartment before I have ds there for an overnight? I mean, isn't that a fairly normal thing to want to do? I need a reality check here folks.

(Currently x is staying in friend's basement. At first he was staying in someone's living room - so I said no overnights until he could have a more private place for ds to stay - not on a living room couch, for example.)

He should be moving into his own place soon. And I just had a disturbing talk with him - he didn't understand why I wanted to see his new place.

I mentioned that I would *like* to, that i am a visual person, would be happier to have a visual of where ds is when he is away. Brought up that if was going on a sleepover, I would want to check the place out. X said, but I'm his father. Tried to reassure him that I trust him, but that I am interested in seeing the place.

X got defensive, saying he would need to talk to his therapist about this, he didn't understand my need to see the place. Cited that he needed his privacy. I ended the discussion so it wouldn't get heated......I am so sick of not being able to express a single opinion/wish without an argument or a debate.
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#2 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 09:25 PM
 
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Sounds reasonable to me. When dd first started visiting her father at around the age of 18 months. I told them that before she could spend the night, I needed to see the home. They did not like it but they agreed.

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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#3 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 09:35 PM
 
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will he be checking out any new places that you move?
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#4 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 10:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
will he be checking out any new places that you move?
I was going to ask the same question.

Do you have any reason "not" to trust your ex? If not, then I wouldn't worry about checking out his place. Perhaps he is rather embarassed of his current living arrangements and just wants to be able to see his child.

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#5 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 10:06 PM
 
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You said you trust him, but you don't. I'm sure he picked up on that. Are you seriously concerned for your child's safety at his new place? IF so, then pursue it. If not, then let it go. I'm not sure of all the details, though - is he not going to let you know where he lives? Is he hiding his address, in other words. If it were me, I'd just be casual about seeing the new place, find a way/excuse to go over, maybe bring a housewarming gift, and check it out then. Sounds like it might be too late for you to try that tactic, however.
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#6 of 15 Old 11-01-2008, 10:58 PM
 
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No, I do not think it's reasonable. Not if you trust him. I did not demand to check out Rob's accommodations when he first got his own place, nor when he moved back in with his parents, and I do not foresee myself doing so at any time in the future. Of course, Rob has their best interests foremost in his mind & honestly does his best for them, and we have still the same standards for things insofar as the girls go. I'd probably be violently curious, but I'd see it as not my business unless he invited me over.

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#7 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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I really wanted to check out ex's new place, but I don't really want him in my home, so I haven't made an issue of it. I can see the desire to, but you'd have to be willing to give the same to him. That wasn't worth it to me since the thought of him in my personal space makes me sick.

do you have a GAL? I've often heard that the GAL will check out homes of the parents.
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#8 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 01:30 AM
 
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I think, if there are no other issues, that forcing this one would be seen as being really controlling. Why would you have to see his place? He's the father. Unless you want him checking out your residence all the time, I'd skip it.
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#9 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 01:23 AM
 
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I TOTALLY and completely understand where you are coming from. I felt (and still feel) the same. But, at least in my state, we have no legal right to demand that.
One would hope that it wouldn't be such a big deal and that either parent would welcome the opportunity for the other to see where their child spends time. But it wasn't like that for me either.
I think I would let it go for now. Maybe send an email and say that you in no way meant to offend him, just that it's hard for you to send ds away from you and it's hard for you to let go of some of the control. You are a mommy, you can't help it. If at any point he feels like a brief visit from you would feel ok, maybe just to drop off or pick up ds, that would probably help you get more comfortable with things. Something like that? Sounds like the more you insist, the more defensive he will become. Maybe he will respond better if you put some of it on you, you know? I don't know your ex.

But I just wanted you to know that I really really do get it.

This is hard stuff.
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#10 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 02:26 AM
 
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can you ask nicely and thank him profusely if he lets you .
If you've recently split, it doesn't sound like an unusual request. A few years down the road, you may not need to go look
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#11 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 04:34 AM
 
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everytime one of us moved, we just assume the other one would like to check it out. it's a peace of mind for both of us, i dont see it an invasion of privacy...

single mama to DD 5.09
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#12 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
everytime one of us moved, we just assume the other one would like to check it out. it's a peace of mind for both of us, i dont see it an invasion of privacy...
I think I'm still close enough to the hurt that I just can't have ex in my personal space. I'm a bit surprised, actually, that he's never asked to see my home... But he probably doesn't want me coming and seeing where he lives with his fiance...
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#13 of 15 Old 11-02-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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If you don't have any reason to involve CPS because he is a good father, then you have no excuse to be checking out his place. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but that's what I believe in! Sorry!

If I don't trust someone with my child, then it doesn't matter where they live. On the other hand, if I do trust someone with my child, then I naturally assume that they would not endanger them by bringing them into an unsafe environment.

Your baby has two parents, and provided that both them love and care for the child, one party should not be questioning or policing another. They have equal rights, just my humble opinion.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#14 of 15 Old 11-03-2008, 03:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, everyone. Got a lot of perspective from the differing viewpoints.
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#15 of 15 Old 11-03-2008, 04:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
I think I'm still close enough to the hurt that I just can't have ex in my personal space. I'm a bit surprised, actually, that he's never asked to see my home... But he probably doesn't want me coming and seeing where he lives with his fiance...
i guess i'm speaking after the fact, almost 3 years after the fact. thinking back i was pretty touchy about my ex coming over, i wouldn't let him pass the threshold. when i was ready i let him come over. so i guess unless you have concern, which seems you do, i would purse this further.

single mama to DD 5.09
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