November Dating thread - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 09:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am leaving for Amsterdam with bf tomorrow morning very early :

We had talked about ttc (things have gotten serious pretty fast and I feel just fine with it) it can't happen in Amsterdam like we wanted though I am taking some meds for a chronic health condition and my health care provider has advised me to NOT get pregnant until I weaned off of them, soooo, I have an appt with her in January to start that process. It is nice to plan these thingsn DS was a surprise, DD was not really planned, but on a whim we decided to take a chance (once) and she was conceived. I am secretly hoping it will happen, but will resist the urge and just enjoy my time with bf.

I am going to miss the kids horribly but DS is happy for me (he is 13) DD is upset though and I feel awful about that.

I can't believe I will be without internet access for over a week , I may sneak on with my ipod touch if there is an internet cafe there.

I'll miss hearing about your journeys and will check up on you all when I get back.



                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#62 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 09:41 AM
 
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When/If he calls me next, I think I need to have a conversation with him about the fact DS comes first and explain we can only chat when he is at school or in bed, tell him my feelings on that. I don't think im being unfair on this, do you?
No, you need to be upfront now about what he can expect from you. If you let some sort of pattern get established, it will be hard to change it without feelings being hurt. Are you going to tell him that you need to go slowly? It sounds like you are very anxious about the whole thing, but excited at the same time.

and Beloved, have a great time in Amsterdam!!! I'm so jealous.


As for me, I've been seeing the guy I met in early September as often as possible and we talk everyday. I just had to pull back from the late night conversations, because I wasn't getting enough sleep to function well. He was (as he always is) understanding about it. Normally we only see each other on the weekends, but I'm getting together with him for coffee this evening. It have a hard time going a week without him, so I rearranged my schedule. Luckily, my school schedule is about to change, so I'll have a little kid-free time once or twice during the week!

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#63 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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He sent me a text message this afternoon, asking how I was and saying he was off to work and hoping I have a good day, so I sent him a message back wishing him a good day too. I was glad he didn't phone me yet. Then this afternoon I was out and come home to see my phone had a missed call from him, so Im glad I missed that call. I know it sounds mean and horrible of me, but I don't feel we need to talk every single day, I dont mind a text message every day but talking everyday seems too much when we only really re-met a couple of days ago, we don't have much to say to eachother so its awkward. Im hoping he doesn't call me again today, if he does I won't answer as I'll be in bed soon anyway.

I don't know when we'll next talk on the phone, or when we will see eachother next, im not in a rush to do either, but he seems to be. I guess that's a good sign really because it means he's still interested in me, I just don't feel too into it/him, but it's early days and im not a social person anyway so it's hard for me to want to spend much time with anyone (besides family). :

BelovedK have a great trip with your bf!
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#64 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 04:14 PM
 
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BelovedK, have fun!!!!
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#65 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 04:28 PM
 
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I forgot to ask before, how often do you ladies see your boyfriend? And where do you meet up with them/go with them?

I've already decided I will only talk on the phone with this guy and meet him *only* when DS is at school. He suggested we meet up on his day off at the weekend and I said no because Im with DS then. I don't want to feel like im taking time away from DS to be with some guy I just met, kwim? It feels so wrong to me to do that, not comfortable with it at all.
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#66 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 05:07 PM
 
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I forgot to ask before, how often do you ladies see your boyfriend? And where do you meet up with them/go with them?

I've already decided I will only talk on the phone with this guy and meet him *only* when DS is at school. He suggested we meet up on his day off at the weekend and I said no because Im with DS then. I don't want to feel like im taking time away from DS to be with some guy I just met, kwim? It feels so wrong to me to do that, not comfortable with it at all.
For me, when the sparks fly, every day we can be together we are. I know if my ...friend... and I were even in the same country, it'd be as often as physically possible. But that's me.

Does this guy do it for you at all? Do you have any desire to see him, get to know him better?

If you do, and it's just the thought of you not being with your DS while you're out with him, can you do it just for an hour at nap time or even after bedtime, maybe have a late dinner? I wouldn't do a movie, at least for me, that encourages all sorts of touchy feely

If you don't (have the feelings, desire to get to know him better), I think it might be better to tell him you're not ready and just want to be friends. Just my opinion. I need to have some interest physically and intellectually with someone before I'll even consider them as a partner.

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#67 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 09:19 PM
 
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I forgot to ask before, how often do you ladies see your boyfriend? And where do you meet up with them/go with them?
Such a good question!! Please share your thoughts ladies...

I am taking notes! :

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#68 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Anne: It does sound exciting. Either he is really desperate or he is really really into you! Id probably be scared off if a guy called me that often to begin with, but thats just me - and look where that got me.. sigh.. Feel yourself and if you feel he is moving too fast, tell him.

Here things are starting to happen. First - I contacted one of my "possibles" - asked him if he wanted to meet up. He did, but appearently has a hard time figuring out whether he had already made plans for the weekend.. well I dont really mind much. It would be mostly for the fun of it - as mentioned I dont see it going anywhere serious. He's nice though..

Second an old flame flirted with me - through my mother! Yep - im shocked.
I had a short affair with him around 8-9 years ago. We went our seperate ways and he went on to become quite a well known war correspondent on television. So yesterday he went to give a speach about his job at my moms workplace. She caught him and briefly mentioned that he may have gone to school with me. He said "- Oh yes - I remember her. We even had some kissing going on" He asked how I'm doing then told my mother to send me his regards - then changed it to " No - infact - send her a kiss from me". I know he is quite the ladies man - very very charming - but my heart still jumped for a second. I do feel flattered...

As if that wasnt enough, then my other "possible" person to date found me on facebook and called me tonight. He wants to meet up. I dont think that is a good idea. He seems very nice actually - I just have - well a bad feeling about it.. I think I better listen - bad feelings are usually there for a reason..

Last, I am writing with someone on a dating site who seems promising..

So I know I am - ehhe - all over the place. But - as someone said. I dont have dreams - I have missions and plans hehe.. I plan to have a man and hopefully more kids before I turn 40 in 9 years from now. Time is of the essense.. (also - I had forgotten that while this is sometimes really hard - noone enjoys a broken heart - then its also - FUN) Hehe..

Oh - and about when to meet up with boyfriends, then my kids are currently with their father from friday to saturday every week until the custody case is over -a nd after that it will most likely be every other weekend - assuming I get custody. That means I have a rare day off to do whatever I want - and am currently exploiting that option max.. I dont plan to introduce anyone to my kids unless it's really serious..

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#69 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 10:01 PM
 
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I forgot to ask before, how often do you ladies see your boyfriend? And where do you meet up with them/go with them?
Our first date we went out to dinner and walked around the lake afterwards. Ds had a babysitter that evening. My ds has always loved having babysitters.

After that first date, he would come over after ds was in bed and we would chat, watch TV, etc (). We saw each other about 3-5 nights a week, depending on bf's schedule.

Nowadays, he stays the night about 3-5 nights a week and we still try to have a date night, at least 1-2 times a month.
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#70 of 122 Old 11-20-2008, 10:13 PM
 
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I forgot to ask before, how often do you ladies see your boyfriend? And where do you meet up with them/go with them?
My guy lives about 40 minutes away. I normally see him on the weekend for an extended period of time. This weekend I'll go to his house and spend the night so we'll be together at least 24 hours. We go roller skating, ice skating, movies, beach, walks, motorcyle riding, trade bodywork (he's a massage therapist!), cook good food, play instruments, and be totally silly. We also listen to the same CDs about healing and talk about them.

If he's in town during the week he'll call to see if we can meet up. We talk and email everyday.
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#71 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 03:36 AM
 
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My guy lives about 40 minutes away. I normally see him on the weekend for an extended period of time. This weekend I'll go to his house and spend the night so we'll be together at least 24 hours. We go roller skating, ice skating, movies, beach, walks, motorcyle riding, trade bodywork (he's a massage therapist!), cook good food, play instruments, and be totally silly. We also listen to the same CDs about healing and talk about them.

If he's in town during the week he'll call to see if we can meet up. We talk and email everyday.
Not to seem rude but where is your child when you are spending the night?

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#72 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 08:21 AM
 
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For me, when the sparks fly, every day we can be together we are. I know if my ...friend... and I were even in the same country, it'd be as often as physically possible. But that's me.

Does this guy do it for you at all? Do you have any desire to see him, get to know him better?

If you don't (have the feelings, desire to get to know him better), I think it might be better to tell him you're not ready and just want to be friends. Just my opinion. I need to have some interest physically and intellectually with someone before I'll even consider them as a partner.
I haven't felt any sparks what are they like?

Does he do it for me....could you elaborate? I do have a little desire to see him and get to know him better, I think mostly I like the idea of someone thinking about me and being interested in me, thinking im a nice person and wanting to spend time with me, that's flattering when you think about it and makes you feel good.

I do have some interest in him, his personality seems nice, and he's quite good looking, not "drop dead gorgeous wanting to kiss him allover" type thing (at all!), but he's kinda cute. Is that enough? If I was more attracted to him it would maybe be easier?

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Anne: It does sound exciting. Either he is really desperate or he is really really into you! Id probably be scared off if a guy called me that often to begin with, but thats just me - and look where that got me.. sigh.. Feel yourself and if you feel he is moving too fast, tell him.
Seie you have a lot going on, good for you, I hope one of them is your mr right! And yes I am feeling all the phone calls is too much, but from what others have said it's quite normal to talk to the guy on a daily basis, I guess I'm just not used to it so it seems too much and overwhelming to me. Like you, I think if I keep running away I'll never find someone, and no guy is going to be 100% perfect(not by far most likely).

I think my gut feeling is from insecurities and anxieties about the situation because it's completely out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to do or what to expect or even how to be friends with this guy, I always want to push people far far away, but I really think I should try not to do that here and give it a chance at least. He seems a nice guy so it deserves a chance right? Not being very social as a person isn't a valid reason not to do that, it seems an excuse for an easy way out. It's so hard trying to ignore my (strong) urges to run the other way though.

Well he called me this morning but I was out, and he text me last night, so this morning a few hours after I missed his call I sent him a text message replying to his one from last night.

Its strange because I don't know when we'll next talk on the phone, or when we'll next see eachother in person, or what to say to him when that happens etc....I drive myself mad worrying! :
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#73 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 09:28 AM
 
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Not to seem rude but where is your child when you are spending the night?
My children are with their dad that night.
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#74 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 10:04 AM
 
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I haven't felt any sparks what are they like?

Does he do it for me....could you elaborate? I do have a little desire to see him and get to know him better, I think mostly I like the idea of someone thinking about me and being interested in me, thinking im a nice person and wanting to spend time with me, that's flattering when you think about it and makes you feel good.



Its strange because I don't know when we'll next talk on the phone, or when we'll next see eachother in person, or what to say to him when that happens etc....I drive myself mad worrying! :
Anne, I think in the initial stages the contact does reflect what Seie said. He's either really into you or he is really insecure. Only time will tell...

I didn't talk daily to my guy until we had been dating for a month to six weeks.

You've only run into him and been on a walk right? And you've been really nervous so there not being sparks yet doesn't surprise me. Sometimes embers grow into wicked hot sparks...

That said, it seems like it is really easy for this situation to throw you for a loop. Have you done counseling?
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#75 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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I do have some interest in him, his personality seems nice, and he's quite good looking, not "drop dead gorgeous wanting to kiss him allover" type thing (at all!), but he's kinda cute. Is that enough? If I was more attracted to him it would maybe be easier?

It depends. For me with my guy I started out as knowing there were things I liked about him, and being somewhat attracted to him physically. But I kept getting more and more into him, starting right away. Although, to be perfectly honest, we did end up kissing (a lot!) on our first date. Now, after a couple of months, I definitely "want to kiss him allover" all the time, even when I'm not with him.

I only see him when my kids are with their dad, and once in a while I let my 14 yo DS babysit for an hour or two. So, for now I see him on Sunday evenings, and get to spend the night with him every other Friday or Saturday. Right now I'm at work or school most of the time when my kids are with their dad. My semester is about to end, and I only have one class next semester. So, I will get to spend more time with him. It's really hard to see him so infrequently. We were just talking about how we'd be together everyday if we could.

At first we would always go out to eat and go for walks and stuff. Now, I always go to his place if we have a whole evening or afternoon. If it's just a couple of hours, we meet at coffeeshops, etc.

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#76 of 122 Old 11-21-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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With my recent flirt - the one who broke my heart - we met the first time in a bar (yeah classic) Where I live the whole dating culture is not as big as in the US. Here its quite common to spend the night the first date if things are promising. Anyway that first night he walked me to my cap and we kissed - a lot. That night I think I was more into the attention and being flattered that he was so persistent about asking me out - also he seemed really hot for me. The next time was a real date - out in a restaurant and all. I think I had that spark around when we had dinner and we started talking. I just had that feeling - here is a really really sweeeet guy. He had that serious expression on his face some of the time, then some of the time he was making little sweet jokes about this and that and I spend so much time laughing. I think thats when I fell in love.. I have experienced it only a few times before - that feeling of - oh eh - im falling in love with this guy.. The other times it has been sneaking up on me more - or a sudden revalation about someone I knew for a long time..

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#77 of 122 Old 11-22-2008, 10:21 AM
 
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OhtheIrony I agree I have been far too nervous for there to be any sparks. Im a little calmer right now, and since we haven't really spoke in the last couple days as I kept missing his calls, I have felt like I want to talk/see him more now. -Absense makes the heart grow fonder type thing maybe?

We text eachother once last night to say when he would call, and I said I would be up for a little while, however he got busy at work and by the time he called I was in bed.

He phoned again this morning and I was here and answered! When I saw his number on he phone display I actually smiled and wanted to chat, instead of before where I dreaded seeing his number there, so that's good at least.

We arranged on the phone, that we will meet up on monday morning, and go for a walk with my dog -as we did the first time we met up last week. So that's ok He said he will go into work late on that day, so Im a little anxious about how long he wants to see me for during this walk, I know maximum it can be is 1 and half hours, but last time it was only for 30 minutes, so im a bit nervous about that. He suggested last time that we find a bench to sit on and talk some more, however we didn't see any benches nearby, so maybe he will want to find one on monday so we can sit and talk more?

When he called, DS was here but in a different room, and I didnt feel too bad talking to him with DS nearby, he actually wandered in this room to get a drink too...and I didnt feel all bad for being on the phone with a guy, that was a surprise. -When we meet up on monday I will have the conversation with him about when it's ok for us to talk on the phone (when DS is in school or in bed ONLY), I didn't want to discuss it over the phone today.
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#78 of 122 Old 11-22-2008, 02:02 PM
 
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When he called, DS was here but in a different room, and I didnt feel too bad talking to him with DS nearby, he actually wandered in this room to get a drink too...and I didnt feel all bad for being on the phone with a guy, that was a surprise. -When we meet up on monday I will have the conversation with him about when it's ok for us to talk on the phone (when DS is in school or in bed ONLY), I didn't want to discuss it over the phone today.
Why do you feel bad talking to this guy while your child is home or around?
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#79 of 122 Old 11-22-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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well, i am still here and still very much single. i thought i was going to settle in with my friend, but he tipped his hand and seems to have far too many emotional issues for me to be involved with him. i can't begin to deal with some of the stuff that he is wrapping his head around, so i bowed out gracefully. on the road again it seems,

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#80 of 122 Old 11-22-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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well, i am still here and still very much single. i thought i was going to settle in with my friend, but he tipped his hand and seems to have far too many emotional issues for me to be involved with him. i can't begin to deal with some of the stuff that he is wrapping his head around, so i bowed out gracefully. on the road again it seems,
Commending you on your wisdom! There are so many really wonderful men out there who have figured a lot of their crap out...you are so wise to wait!
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#81 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 09:18 AM
 
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Why do you feel bad talking to this guy while your child is home or around?
I feel very strongly that it's wrong because it's taking my time away from DS who comes first, and giving it to some guy I just met. That feels so bad to me and im not comfortable with it at all.

Secondly, what do I tell DS about who was on the phone? Yesterday as I said I was okay with it, but it was just a quick call, and afterwards I told DS it was a friend from school...now I feel guilty I lied to him What should I say next time if/when it happens............that is was just a friend? I hope it won't happen when DS is here, but if it does I need to be prepared for what to say about who it was on the phone.
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#82 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 10:54 AM
 
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Anne, are there things about your interactions with this guy that make you feel good? If the good doesn't outweigh the bad good might want to reconsider the whole thing.

And I absolutely answer "who was that?" with "my friend". It's true, even if it isn't quite the whole story.

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#83 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 12:26 PM
 
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I talk quite openly about dating with my boys. I believe it is a normal, healthy thing for single people to do and figure it's good life experience for them.

I've dated without my kids meeting the man and yet they've known I've been dating. They've asked where I'm going, who I'm talking to and I say, "my friend ____". Sometimes they've asked if/when they will meet the person and I've said, "when I know how I feel about them, and if it's someone I think I might really want to spend more time with, you'll meet them when it feels right."

They've learned that people go out, meet other people, spend time getting to know one another and see if they fit, like each other, etc. They haven't really met anyone I've dated but only because by the time it felt like it was time to meet, we realized the relationship wasn't going any farther.

We talk about dating, adult relationships, etc. I want them to know it's healthy and normal to meet different people, date and get to know people, see what works, what doesn't, etc. I want them to go out in the world with a healthy view of dating and relationships and see that sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I want them to know they don't have to stay with one just because and sometimes it can be challenging, sometimes it can be blissful and sometimes it can be painful.

I like to be open with them about it and they seem to really get it...just my 2 cents.
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#84 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 12:36 PM
 
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mschatsalot, i think that's great. how old are your kids?

solo-student-mama to 3 crazy kiddos
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#85 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 01:18 PM
 
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We talk about dating, adult relationships, etc. I want them to know it's healthy and normal to meet different people, date and get to know people, see what works, what doesn't, etc. I want them to go out in the world with a healthy view of dating and relationships and see that sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I want them to know they don't have to stay with one just because and sometimes it can be challenging, sometimes it can be blissful and sometimes it can be painful.

I like to be open with them about it and they seem to really get it...just my 2 cents.
A BIG :!!!!!

This is exactly how I teach and approach my ds (who is 5) about dating and relationships --all relationships.
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#86 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 01:28 PM
 
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mschatsalot, i think that's great. how old are your kids?
My boys are 6.5 and 10.5
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#87 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 02:44 PM
 
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That's right. I agree totally. Even if you are not introducing someone it is nice for your children to know that person exists. It helps them see that there is more to you than just "mom". Shows that you have needs, etc. And gives them some knowledge for when they are older. A very good thing.

Also, if you hide it all away then it would be quite a surprise for the kids if things get serious and they can tell what a history you have together.
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#88 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
I feel very strongly that it's wrong because it's taking my time away from DS who comes first, and giving it to some guy I just met. That feels so bad to me and im not comfortable with it at all.
Mothers are the ultimate martyrs, which is really unfortunate.

I know -- for myself -- that if I do not put myself first (meaning taking care of myself; physically and emotionally), then I am a horrible, miserable, depressed and, sometimes, angry or resentful mother.

I feel it is in my son's best interest that I go running 3 days a week, have a date night with my bf once or twice a month, have time to myself, etc. It is because I take care of myself that I can be the best mommy possible.

Also, I would never want my child to learn that martyrdom is healthy, which he would learn, through my example, if I ALWAYS put him first and sacrificed my own being for his sake. Of course, there are many times where he will come first... but not ALL the time. It is about balance.

I always remind myself about what the safety procedures are in an airplane. Put on your own oxygen mask FIRST, because you will be no help to anyone else if you cannot breath.
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#89 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 06:50 PM
 
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My DS is also 5 but I don't talk to him about dating or marriage relationships, I think he's too young. He knows some people are boyrfriend/girlfriend, some are not with anyone and some are married, but I dont feel it necessary to go into those things further than that at his age.

Right now im really sick, and I always seem to get extremely anxious when im sick, about all general type stuff. So right now im wanting to call this guy right now and end whatever we have going on, it doesnt feel right, Im not comfortable with it and I dont feel hes right for me or DS. On the other hand maybe im too sick to be thinking clearly, and I've barely even given this relationship a chance.::
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#90 of 122 Old 11-23-2008, 07:26 PM
 
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Anne2008,

I would wait before doing anything. Maybe find a good counselor in your area from some mamas in the Finding Your Tribe forum?

Take good care of yourself!
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