Want to hold my hand as I leave him? - Mothering Forums
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Single Parenting > Want to hold my hand as I leave him?
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 04:20 AM 11-11-2008
Hello mamas,
I've finally reached my limit and know I must leave my partner of 6 1/2 years. We live together in a house that I own, with our 2 kids. In the past I have asked him to leave, change, help, etc. and it always winds up in a screaming argument, occasionally he has been destructive. Never physically abusive, but still scary. So this time, instead of talking I'm just going to do it.
I'm looking at rental place tomorrow and I plan on moving out, then renting my house we're in now. I'm not telling him anything, though today I told him he needs to find a new place to live and he didnt believe me.

I havent told him I'm leaving him but he wouldnt believe that either. I dont know what is going to happen to him b/c he has no money, no job, no where to live, no car, doesnt even have a licence, etc. But really, is that my problem anymore? I own the car, the house, and have money to move and pay rent immediately. I take care of the kids, house, bills, everything!
He does love his kids and wants to be in there lives, but he also is very self centered and only wants to do whatever he wants, regardless of anyone else. When I move I plan on not telling him where I live, b/c he will find us and I'm a bit afraid of him badgering us, and what he will do when I actually do leave.
On the other hand, I'm so gleefully excited to be striking out on my own, w/o having to deal with his B.S. anymore, nor having a 3rd child to care for! I cant wait to have my own place with things done MY way only. I will finally be able to accomplish things I've been working on that he's been holding me back on. I will be able to parent how I want w/o him mucking it up. I'll be able to live w/o his stress and drama.

I do want my kids to know their dad and see him, but right now, he is in no way a good parent. I will let him visit w/ them if he starts being responsible and starts getting all that stuff he needs; licence, job, car, etc. I am hoping I'm not taking the kids away for good. But he needs to show us that he's trying to be a father. I do love him, but he needs to start loving himself enough to be motivated to do something, Anything! for himself. I'm sooo tired of doing it all for him, and him bringing me down with him.

Part of me is holding my breath until I actually am out and on my own, b/c since he doesnt belive me, I'm wondering if I really can do it, so I need some handholding and assurance that I will make it and I can do this and I'll be O.K.

Mama Dragon's Avatar Mama Dragon 04:34 AM 11-11-2008
I'll hold your hand. My stbx was exactly the same way, I tried a few times to separate but he WOULD NOT LEAVE. When he left for another state to get us a house (without the money to come back!) I realized, NOW is my chance! I'm glad you're getting your chance. You can do it!!!
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 04:39 AM 11-11-2008
Thanks, Amy! I was perusing some of your threads here since I dont come to single parenting much... .though I will now! It's good to have a sister going through similiar circumstances out there, so, yeah, hang in there to both of us!
meemee's Avatar meemee 05:11 AM 11-11-2008
i will hold your hand and say you can do it....

...but along with it i would point out certain facts too....

is he abusive to the kids? without disclosing your address do u plan for him to see the kids as often as u guys can agree on?

are you prepared he might ask for alimony and CS and you might have to pay it?

whether he might be responsible or not if he is not a safety concern you might face the issues later in court that you kept the kids away from him.

my narcicist ex slept in his car for a few months - even though he had the 3 months he had asked for to move out - but he came over and saw his dd everyday. he didnt become 'responsible' enough in my books till much later - but i think my dd had a big part in making him that.

this is perhaps the kick he needed. but you can only hope.

i hope this resolves soon so that you can move back into your house soon. it can be so rough on kids when they have to move to a new place. something to think about even if you are planning to rent it.

good luck and let us know how it all went. glad you wont have financial stress as that is what imho creates the biggest stress.
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 05:22 AM 11-11-2008
Well we're not married, so no alimony. I didnt think about him asking for C.S. but I doubt he would be able to ask for anything w/o an I.D. or S.S. card.

He can call me on my cell phone if he wants to see the kids, and he will see them somewhere other than my place.
He is not physically abusive to the kids, thought he is not great verbally w/ cursing, etc. and he does have a major pot smoking problem that he is going to trial for right now, so I really dont think I'll have much trouble keeping my kids. One of the kids he couldnt even sign her birth cert. b/c he didnt have a licence so I really only have to worry about one of them. We've been planning to move for awhile, the kids know we're moving and they go to a school an hour away right now, so it will be better for us when we move. We arent moving back into the house, we need to rent or sell it as I cant afford it much longer.
the sunshine's Avatar the sunshine 11:33 AM 11-11-2008
OT - what kind of license do you need to sign a birth certificate?

You know you have to leave, and good for you. the previous poster was just making sure you're aware of other things that might come up.

Wishing you the best.
mountaincaats's Avatar mountaincaats 12:04 PM 11-11-2008
Oh Sunanthem,
I didn't even realize this was you until I got to the siggy. I really just stumbled upon this post due to the title.
Many hugs to you mama and to your children as well. I may not have met you IRL yet, but I can tell you are a strong mama and YOU CAN DO IT! And you will get through it.
As a previous poster said, and I was going to say, be prepared to deal with his reaction and actions. Do you feel a restraining order might need to be in place?
Much love to you and we are all here to hold your hand.
~~
'other' Shannon
guestmama9915's Avatar guestmama9915 01:10 PM 11-11-2008
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Satori's Avatar Satori 04:22 PM 11-11-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by the sunshine View Post
OT - what kind of license do you need to sign a birth certificate?
You need to show a goverment issued picture ID to prove
identity.

To the OP: Good luck! Not sure why you can't just change the locks and install a security system though, seems much cheaper then moving from a home you own.
WatermelonSnow's Avatar WatermelonSnow 04:59 PM 11-11-2008
Without documented proof of abuse or some really strong witnesses, you will absolutely be shooting yourself in the foot if you don't tell him where his children are living and going to school. Get away from him, but keep everything above board, lest it come back to bite you later.
BugMacGee's Avatar BugMacGee 07:23 PM 11-11-2008
Hello. You must be my former self.

Just wanted to pop in with some annoying but necessary advice. Leaving him will NOT solve your problems completely (as I so naively thought) Since you have kids together, you will always have to deal with his stress and drama if he so chooses to inflict it upon you.

Having said that, I sooooooo very glad I left my relationship, that has striking similarities to yours. It's not been easy by any stretch, but so very worth it.

So hold out your hand, grab on for dear life and you'll get through this and be better for it.
pinetree's Avatar pinetree 07:35 PM 11-11-2008
See if there is any way that you can have him removed from the house instead of you and the kids leaving. Otherwise it may be quite a long time before he gets out. Though you own the house so it may be different. However... just keep that in mind.
Dr.Worm's Avatar Dr.Worm 07:45 PM 11-11-2008
I will hold your hand too. I agree with the restraining order and having HIM leave...that's what I had to do about 4 years ago.
cjuniverse's Avatar cjuniverse 08:08 PM 11-11-2008
I'll hold your hand as well. We all need that sometimes.

YOU CAN DO IT, MAMI!!! :
Rosehip's Avatar Rosehip 12:53 AM 11-12-2008
I'll hold your hand But I'll also encourage you to get a quick consultation w/a local family law lawyer, outline your situation and see if there are legal red flags you need to deal w/. Even though you're not legally married, if he's the father, and you've lived together, there may be some things you should be aware of before you scram.

Also, how are you planning to get him to move out?

Good luck!!
samy23's Avatar samy23 05:06 PM 11-12-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by WatermelonSnow View Post
Without documented proof of abuse or some really strong witnesses, you will absolutely be shooting yourself in the foot if you don't tell him where his children are living and going to school. Get away from him, but keep everything above board, lest it come back to bite you later.
Yeh I was thinking that too. Unless he's a danger to the kids, why stop him seeing them? I don't think it's right to do that just because he has no job, driving license or whatever...those things don't make him a bad father.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pinetree View Post
See if there is any way that you can have him removed from the house instead of you and the kids leaving. Otherwise it may be quite a long time before he gets out. Though you own the house so it may be different. However... just keep that in mind.
I would try this too, because no matter where you move, he is going to find out eventually and know your new address. There's not much point trying to hide from him just because you want a break from him. If once he moves out he keeps bothering you at home and coming round, call the police and if necessary get a restraining order.

Goodluck stay strong!
guestmama9916's Avatar guestmama9916 07:32 PM 11-12-2008
I was in a similar situation and I had done so well at keeping my plans a secret until the last week before my big move. It was such a huge mistake telling him. I had to put up with his sobbing loudly for attention in front of our 3 yr old DS and all kinds of other BS that made life miserable that last week. If you feel tempted to say something, bite your tongue. I also agree with the others regarding legal advice because after my xh was done feeling sorry for himself, he got really angry (sued for custody) and really scary. My xh was a very bad emotional and verbal abuser that was on depression meds. He went off the meds suddenly which made him even worse and stupid me let him in my apartment with just me and the kiddo there alone. That could have been a very bad situation for us now that I look back on it. So don't let him in if you are there alone. Better yet, meet him somewhere public if he wants to see the kids and stay strong mama!!!

ETA: The first thing I noticed about being in my own place without xh was how peaceful it was! No more walking on egg shells or being yelled at for no reason. DS and I did alot of dancing those first few weeks. It was bliss!! I hope you find the same to be true.
notwonamesalike's Avatar notwonamesalike 07:35 PM 11-12-2008
Thinking of you.


Off topic, but what does stbx stand for?
guestmama9915's Avatar guestmama9915 08:27 PM 11-12-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by notwonamesalike View Post
Thinking of you.


Off topic, but what does stbx stand for?
Soon to be ex.
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 08:35 PM 11-12-2008
It means soon-to-be-ex

I hear what y'all are saying and a friend of a friend is a lawyer who I plan on chatting with and seeing what all I have to do. I may have to get a restraining order b/c he does know where the kids go to school, and the school and I dont want him causing a rucous there. I'm not planning on keeping the kids from him, he sure can see them somewhere other than where I live, and when he if he ever gets on his own feet can take them out or have them at his place. I still want my kids to have a relationship with him.
But he really isn't the best role model for a kid, even though he loves them.

I have been planning on moving for a long time anyway, so this is just the cherry on top. Like I said, I have to move b/c I cant afford this house anymore.
As for getting him out, I've mostly been planning on getting me and the kids out and safe. My only plans so far are to take him to his friends where he sometimes hangs out, then lock up my house and leave. I will then turn off the utilities and eventually rent it out or sell it. I dont think he'd want to stay long, even if he could get in b/c we are waaaay back in the woods and it wouldnt be much fun here w/o electricity, cable, or a car. My second plan, if I need it, is to call the police, but I really dont want to have to do that.

So yesterday I went searching for a place, after alot of poo-holes my kids teacher recommended a place where she lives and it's wonderful! So I applied and will see if they'll take us there.

He also texted me yesterday he loves me, wants to be a better hubs and father, wishes he could go back to the beginning and redo, sorry for all the terrible things he's put me through... (there is MUCH more I'm NOT saying here), ya ya ya

I wrote him back its just too little too late.
I know it's just a line desperately trying to save his kush life he's got w/ me.
So I'm trekking along, seems like I may have to wait till the middle of dec. or possibly january to see if I get this new place I really want, but hopefully I can hang in till then.
Rosehip's Avatar Rosehip 11:58 PM 11-12-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunanthem View Post

He also texted me yesterday he loves me, wants to be a better hubs and father, wishes he could go back to the beginning and redo, sorry for all the terrible things he's put me through... (there is MUCH more I'm NOT saying here), ya ya ya

I wrote him back its just too little too late.
I know it's just a line desperately trying to save his kush life he's got w/ me.
So I'm trekking along, seems like I may have to wait till the middle of dec. or
Do we have the same ex?? I've gotten the same texts...and had the same thoughts as you.

I also second what another poster said about the PEACE you'll notice once you split. I'm not going to lie, the splitting process sucks, but - to paraphrase MasterCard - not walking on eggshells? Priceless!

Hope all is well, and glad you'll be checking in with a lawyer.
guestmama9915's Avatar guestmama9915 04:28 AM 11-13-2008
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sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 12:45 PM 11-14-2008
Ugh. Last night I had to call the police on him b/c he got into a physical fight with my 13 year old nephew! He's never done that before. I think now he may be starting to get the message. Though it looks like they won't remove him w/o a restraining order.
meemee's Avatar meemee 01:10 PM 11-14-2008
make sure they filed a report and get a copy of it for yourself.

even though this is so sad, he had dug his own grave and made your position even stronger.



how scary that this has now escalated to the physical.

hope he does get teh message.
guestmama9915's Avatar guestmama9915 01:46 PM 11-14-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunanthem View Post
Ugh. Last night I had to call the police on him b/c he got into a physical fight with my 13 year old nephew! He's never done that before. I think now he may be starting to get the message. Though it looks like they won't remove him w/o a restraining order.
Yikes! Yeah... looks like he's in the anger phase. Scary. Take care of yourself!
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 10:57 PM 11-15-2008
Thanks for the info, meemee. I went to the sheriff's friday and they said they did not write a report. They said I could call and try to get one written to get a copy of. I dont understand why I'd have to call when I was right there in the office, but oh well. I'll do that.

Monday I have another appt. for the housing place we want. I really hope we get approved.
He actually called his BIL in another state and asked if he could go live and work w/ him b/c I dont want him here and he'd like to work and send money home. I think that would be great for him, but I doubt they'd want him in their home though, they've been through alot of crap w/ him in the past. But at least he's starting to look for options now.
mountaincaats's Avatar mountaincaats 03:00 PM 11-16-2008
Checkin in on you and thinking of you. Many hugs and good strong vibes to you too. Maybe now is the time for a restraining order. I hate to think of you or your kids getting hurt. ANyone for that matter. Definitely get a police report made and have a copy. And perhaps if you think you should record any conversations, do that too. I guess it just depends on if you think things could get that bad.
I have never been through a situation like yours,so I really have no idea of what to do. BUt violence on anyone,verbal or physical, should never happen. Take care mama.
~~
'other' Shannon
BabyBearsMummy's Avatar BabyBearsMummy 03:14 PM 11-16-2008
I will hold you hand.

I wish I had someone to hold mine all the times I tried to leave my Ex. It would have been better if we had broken up sooner for everyone. I hate seeing him use our DD to hurt me and not care about forming a real loving relationship with her. Why is it some parents cannot see there children as individuals and treat them like property.
sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 04:56 PM 11-16-2008
Thanks Shannon, and baby bear.

I agree the physical stuff is just NOT acceptable. He knows that now and he wont be pulling any of that anymore, I hope. I dont think he could physically hurt us, as I am quite bigger than him and would kick his arse if I had to.
We're still stuck here in the same house together, but at least his out all wknd so I dont have to see him around. I got all my info ready for tomorrow's housing meeting. I really hope we get that place, it would be perfect! So just waiting for now.....
canadianchick's Avatar canadianchick 12:27 AM 11-17-2008

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