Waiting 3+ mos to ttc? Wanna start a group thread? - Mothering Forums
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Queer Parenting > Waiting 3+ mos to ttc? Wanna start a group thread?
osker's Avatar osker 02:53 PM 11-22-2008
Heather and I have been ttc for almost two years now (off and on) and are currently waiting three months to try again because we have to travel to New Orleans next summer and don't want to have a baby down there (or be travel restricted, it's a very important trip).
While we're waiting, we're trying to focus on getting healthy, losing weight, taking vitamins, cutting out coffee, doing yoga, meditating, etc... BUT! We're not having much luck getting motivated to actually do those things! Anybody else out there waiting a few months to ttc?? Wanna start a group to keep ourselves going while we wait? I'm reading this great book that lays out different activities to do every week for 3mos in order to be super fertile by the end of it. The first week talks about drinking hot lemon water and doing yoga. Anybody here wanna be involved? Keep me on my toes? Give me more of a reason to stick to it? I could share what the book says every week and we could talk about how tough it is to be waiting.


knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 08:52 AM 11-24-2008
Hi there! I'm in the midst of about a 3 month wait myself. DP and I are going to start TTC in March. We have a lot of things to think about before then. I'm trying to start exercising more regularly, remember to take prenatals and B complexes, etc. It seems so far off yet (and not at the same time) that it's hard to stick to it.

What's the book you're reading? Hot lemon water and yoga? Any particular kind of yoga? I take yoga classes a couple of times a week but they're just regular old classes taught at the gym. I can do lemon water though. What's it supposed to do?
osker's Avatar osker 02:46 PM 11-24-2008
The book I'm reading is called Fully Fertile by Tami Quinn (plus other people, I think). It gives you overall thoughts on healthy diet and lots of specific yoga things - I think their background is as a yoga studio, then they moved into yoga for fertility and then chinese medicines and mind/body stuff all encompassing fertility. There are assignments for every week, the lemon water is the assignment for the first week of twelve, it's supposed to cleanse the body if you sip it every half hour all day long. I'll look at it when I'm home tonight and see what the specific yoga stuff is, if there are names for moves or something. I'm new into the yoga thing, so I'm not even sure if I'm talking about it in the right way...
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 01:42 AM 11-25-2008
I'd love to! We are going to start trying in May or so for our first. I was reeeeally focusing on getting healthy but got a little derailed with stress. I would love a group to check in with!
iemaja's Avatar iemaja 04:22 AM 11-25-2008
Ooooooooooooohhhhhh I'm in! Great thread. :

We're going to start TTC next summer - just in time for the scorching desert temps! Though this might be pushed back till fall because DP (who will TTC first) is training for a marathon.

Osker, please do post the tips and we can talk about different ideas for how to work toward healthy bodies for conception. We've been eating MUCH healthier over the last couple of months and we've never felt better. It's always great to learn more.

I love pilates and would love to learn more about yoga. Why do the authors root their book in yoga? Are there poses that help with TTC?
osker's Avatar osker 11:26 PM 11-25-2008
I was looking for images or something online from the book and I came across this study guide for a group based on the book! I got my book from the library, do you guys know if you would be able to get it from your libraries? Then we would all have the book and could read it and see the pictures, etc...

There is a yoga routine for flexibility in the hips, I think, and one for hormone regulation/ thyroid type stuff. Unfortunately, I really know nothing about yoga and wouldn't know how to describe the poses (is that what they're called?).
knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 06:59 AM 11-26-2008
My library is crap. I might buy the book, though, cause it would be fun to have a little 'study group'. The internet also told me that Tami Quinn has a yoga DVD about fertility yoga. All sorts of other folks do, too. I might check a few of them out. I have a list of supplements and things too that I made a while ago. I'll find it and post them.

I'll be in for some serious getting-ready-to-TTC action next week. Thanksgiving has taken over my life/brain this week. :
Monarchgrrl's Avatar Monarchgrrl 06:16 PM 11-26-2008
HI there!

I'll join. We're probably waiting about 2 years. Not exactly sure yet. I'm starting to get into yoga. I have a bad knee so I can't do a lot of poses, but it's still nice. We've been (really recently) eating healthier and walking every morning together. We skipped today, though. Not sure why.

Our plan is for me to carry DW's eggs. We've got to save up some money first, for that plan. It will be exciting if it works, though! I definitely need to lose some weight first, but I'm not stressing about it. If it happens, it happens.

That book sounds great. I'll probably check it out.
knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 11:08 AM 12-01-2008
Ok. Thanksgiving done, now I can focus on baby-makin'.


Our plan is for me to carry DW's eggs. We've got to save up some money first, for that plan. /QUOTE]

Monarch, we're thinking of trying that too. Is there a clinic near you that does a trade-off for IVF costs if you donate eggs? That's what we're looking into right now. We have a meeting set up with them in January, but it seems like we'd get free IVF treatment (would still have to pay for sperm, meds, etc) if we donate our eggs. DP actually wants to donate as many as possible since he's not planning on ever using them, and may have a hysterectomy at some point.

Osker, where did you find the study guide?

I have no idea if this will work, but here's a link to the google document I've been working on that lists a bunch of TTC supplements, what they're indicated for, and where you can find them. I think I've set it so other people can add things as well.
Scalpel's Avatar Scalpel 01:47 PM 12-01-2008
Some might think we are crazy....and then again they might be right!!
DP gave birth to our daughter 3 months ago and today I have our initial consult our RE's office for myself to possibly begin TTC this summer!! Since going through the journey with DP we both know things can take some time but we have already decided that we want our children close in age so here's to the future.......
CrunchySmurf's Avatar CrunchySmurf 02:08 PM 12-01-2008
I'd like to join -- we've got about 9 months to go though (August '09 will be our first try), is that too far out?

When we set our goal last spring, we set it for 15 months, so we're now very close to halfway. The past 7 months have FLOWN. I anticipate the next 9 will as well.

We have various reasons for setting it that far out, but the primary one is to get me in optimal health -- so you can see why I would love to be part of this group! I haven't heard of this book, but I have several other fertility books on my Christmas wish list. If we decide to do this as book study type group, I would be willing to get the book.
osker's Avatar osker 06:39 PM 12-01-2008
Hi everyone! Wow! Thanks for joining the group! I'm excited!

Let's see if I can organize my thinking here for a minute...

Kittenanny - awesome google document! We have one that we've put together for the development of each week of pregnancy, but as we're not there yet it just sits waiting.

Scalpel - yay for kids close in age! I think it's great! Get all the diapers over with at once! Welcome!

Crunchysmurg - Welcome to you too! The time before you start trying will just fly by, you are right!

Monarchgrrl - 2 years prep is awesome! I'm jealous of your ability to get out and walk every day. Our lack of motivation for exercise is definitely a great problem for us!

iemaja - I am definitely going to hook us all up with thoughts from the Fully Fertile book soon... I'm in the last two weeks of my semester right now, so apologies if I don't get to it just yet...

milletpuff - I hear you on the stress! yikes! I try to set little goals for myself each week, but I also try to forgive myself if I don't reach those goals!

Okay, this is what I've got for you guys today:

Week 2 is deep breathing (in through the nose, pause, out through the mouth)

Week 3 is healthy eating, good carbs, good fats, low sugar, cutting out caffeine (i'm trying too... it's not going well on the coffee front)

The book is from the group at a place called Pulling Down the Moon in Chicago. That's where I found the study guide as well.

My goals for this week:
Stop drinking coffee entirely (and come down off caffeine with the help of excedrin)
get outside for exercise at least once (yikes, I'm embarrassed that I need that as a goal : )
try out the fertility yoga with my lovely wife Heather

Heather's Goals:
journal about physical health/symptoms to create a baseline for ttc months
increase fresh produce eating

That's what I've got right now...
Where is everyone else this week??
Monarchgrrl's Avatar Monarchgrrl 07:05 PM 12-01-2008
Thank goodness Turkey Day is over. Whew! I bet I gained 5 pounds! Dinner last night was pumpkin pie. Ugh!

The goal was to walk every day. We only actually made it ONE DAY! But it's a start and we can only do one day at a time. We got a late start today, so it didn't happen. Tomorrow for sure...

kittinanny- we have a great clinic near us but we haven't asked about donation of any of our eggs, though. I would love to be a donor, regardless of us doing it or not, but everything I've read says they want only those up to age 29. I'm 31, and DW is 33, so that won't work. I'm not sure any clinic would want ours. That's awesome that you're going to try that route, too!
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 08:50 PM 12-02-2008
Osker, how many weeks are listed in that list? I like both suggestions so much. I'm going to start right on with the breathing -- I'm sure it will help in SO many ways. For a while I was waking up in the morning and having a little two minute ritual of setting the intention of the day, but that went out the window fast when things got super ramped up. I'd love to return to it.

I'm just trying to get through finals. How do people make any plans at all with this whole "life" thing??

I'm super excited to be here too!
osker's Avatar osker 10:12 PM 12-02-2008
Milletpuff - there are 12 weeks in the cycle, but I have yet to make it past week 3! We actually had the book before our last try in July, but of course thought that we wouldn't need it because that would be our cycle... now since we know we'll be on break for a while we're going back to it.
What are your finals for? I'm working on my doctorate in psychology, so mostly I have papers for the end of the semester. Ugh!
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 10:21 PM 12-03-2008
Duh, yeah I went and reread your first post, oops I was also confused and I guess too lazy to post-stalk you -- are you planning on both carrying at the same time? Or just one?

Mmm, doctorate in psychology! My undergrad degree was in sociology (uh, quite a while ago) and now I'm taking an odd assortment of classes for a career change -- spanish, business finance, financial planning and tax prep. I am DEFINITELY not taking this much next term! When are you done?
osker's Avatar osker 11:44 PM 12-03-2008
Our plan is for Heather to carry first. We ideally have always wanted four kids, spaced not too far apart with Heather carrying the first, both of us carrying together (pseudo-twins) for the middle two and then me carrying the last one...
We're the types that do everything together though, so I'm quitting caffeine in an effort to show moral support? I guess... and I just feel tired of coffee and tired of the crash when it's been a while since you've had a cup...

That is an odd assortment of classes. What are you planning on doing with that?
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 06:01 PM 12-04-2008
That's sweet! My DP has no interest in quitting coffee or carrying a kid, but she's quite the support team in every other way. I like that we have another uterus to fall back on if something doesn't work with me, but *both* of us would really rather not do that -- I can't wait to be pregnant and breastfeed, it really doesn't appeal to her AT ALL.

As for what I'm going to do with all my classes, the answer to that is part "I'm not sure what it's going to look like yet", part "it's a long story" and part, well, financial advocacy? Oh yeah, and then there's going to be baby in there somewhere? Or two?
knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 08:18 AM 12-05-2008
Milletpuff - financial planning and advocacy? Come be my financial planner and solve all my problems!

Osker - What are you writing your dissertation on? I miss academia!

Monarch - Is there a way of incorporating walking into your daily routine, like walking somewhere you'd normally drive or take the bus to? Not sure where you live or what the transport situation is. I walk A LOT here in London just because you have to take public transport everywhere, and invariably the bus you need is two blocks from where you are.

My goals for the week/end are to make goals for the next few weeks. Can you tell I'm a list-maker?

I bought the Fully Fertile book but it's not arrived yet. I've been drinking lots of lemon/ginger tea. Not sure if that's close enough to lemon water to count.

Can I ask everyone something else? Have you started to make plans for after the baby is born as far as working/staying home? I'm trying to figure out what we're going to do and it just makes me stressed, worried, and sad.
osker's Avatar osker 02:52 PM 12-05-2008
Milletpuff - financial advocacy sounds great! Do you think you would want to work with individuals or businesses? I've gone off my typical psych stuff in the last few months to wondering if "financial psychologist" would pack more of a punch.. working with people on why they can't get their finances to do what they want, you know? Probably won't go that direction, but it is interesting to think about!

Kittenanny - yay for buying Fully Fertile! We can take a hack at it together! My dissertation has changed several times since I started school. I came into it knowing exactly what I wanted to do... and then haven't done a lick of that! Originally the plan was to work with families of intersex kids, and I still lean in that direction in my dreams of the perfect career. However, practicality has gotten in the way of that dream and I've now moved on to a dual research project working with parents. Part of my dissertation is (paid) community needs assessment to determine what mental health needs parents in an under-served rural community have for their kids. The other part (unpaid, ugh) is my more interesting spin on that to look at barriers to help-seeking, i.e. what keeps parents from getting the help that their behaviorally challenged 0-5 year olds may need. At this point I'm about six months in and have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel! This sure is a long road!

In terms of kiddo care down the road, it really depends on when we actually succeed at this crazy game. If we get pg in Feb (as we're praying for) then the baby would be due this time next year... At which point I would be still taking classes (though they are only one day a week) and busy interviewing for internship as well as working 20 hrs a week, flexibly, depending on which practicum position I end up with for next school year. At that point, Heather would take the baby to work with her for the times that I couldn't be home (she's a nanny for now 18-mo twins, they would be 2 1/2 at that point). If it takes much longer to get pg, then I would be on internship (hallelujah for paid work!) and Heather would be able to cut back her hours to stay home with the baby while I work. She's been supporting both of us for the past three years while I've been in school, so she can't wait until it's time for her to stay home with a baby! (I can't wait either!) It all really depends on when a baby actually decides to join us, so we'll wait and see. If we, for some reason, needed someone to help care for the baby then we would hire someone to come to our home and help out, but hopefully that wouldn't be for many hours of the week!
Monarchgrrl's Avatar Monarchgrrl 04:00 PM 12-05-2008
knittinanny- Yes, I'm trying to just walk more, instead of making it a chore or something I have to plan. It's hard, though, because I have a bum knee and am having extensive surgery on it at the end of January. So, it hurts quite a bit to walk for any length of time now, and then after surgery I will be on crutches for 8 weeks and be doing rehab for 6 months before I'll be walking any length of time. I'm going to try to use a pool for rehab, so that will help with some exercise and then hopefully get a bicycle for therapy and exercise. The whole knee issue just puts a wait time on exercise for me. But I know that with eating better and doing more weights and upper body stuff, I can lose some weight.

Work plans once the future baby comes:
I'm an Accountant, so I'm into budgets, big time. I've already figured how much I will earn by then (about 2 years-ish- IF I can wait that long!) and I've done our budget for having a part time in-home nanny for the baby, after our 3 month maternity leave is up. My DW gets 3 months maternity or paternity leave, FULL PAY, even if I have the baby. Her work has great benefits. I won't get full pay, but I'll have saved up at least 3 months of salary by then. Then I can work from home one day a week and DW works 4 days/week anyway, so if those days are not the same day, then we'll only need a nanny for 3 days/week. That's the plan, so far.

I've always wanted to stay home or have the other parent stay home, but unless I can increase my salary by almost my DW's salary amount, then it just can't happen for us, especially living where we do. I'm going to keep trying in the next few years to earn even more, but I just don't think it's realistic for us. So this is our plan B. I'm already saving up for our egg donation thingy (no idea what it's called when I would carry her egg) so we can pay cash for that. AND then saving up for my midwife-attended homebirth and doula (I will need a doula because my DW has already said "Well, I at least I won't have to work hard to help you. All I gotta do is say 'push push' at the end"

Whew! I'm glad I have a few years to save up for all that!

knittinanny, why don't you talk about your plans and maybe we can help throw some ideas at you, so then you can feel a little better about it?
knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 08:21 AM 12-11-2008
Monarch - sad about the knee! Exercise in water really helps after surgery. My sister has a bad knee and spends lots of time in the pool.

Basically, I have my 'dream' plan for after we have babies and the starting reality we've got to work with.

The reality right now is that DP doesn't make enough money to support us both, even without a baby thrown into the mix. He's a Montessori teacher and has a second job working at a bike shop on Saturdays. He works really hard and loves what he does.

I work at non-profit and make about twice what DP does, which still isn't very much. I have a MA in gender studies, which isn't terribly useful or profitable outside academia (and that would require me to go back for my PhD) or the non-profit sector (where you make very little money). I don't really like my job and I really don't like working 9-5. I like being a homemaker. I have some random skills (I'm a very good cyclist and could possibly teach cycling safety, I used to teach dance, I'm very crafty, experienced in childcare) but feel like if I've spent all this money on higher education, I should probably use it. I would like to go back for my PhD at some point, but I don't know exactly what I want to study or do with it.

My dream plan is that I would stay home for at least a year while DP worked, and then after that I would do some stay-at-home work or part-time work so that I could be home as much as possible and doing the bulk of childcare. By the time a baby was 2.5 or 3, they would be able to be in DP's school for at least half the day, possibly all day, for free or nearly free. We currently have a friend living with us who will continue to live with us for at least a year after a baby is born, and will be able to provide some childcare (like maybe I could ask for one morning/afternoon a week) but not tons.

Thrown into this mix are these other things: I have lots of student loans (need to consolidate but currently about $700 a month), we really want to try to buy the house we're living in, and our long term family goal is to spend 70% of our time (the school year) in London and 30% of the year (summers) in Texas and/or Atlanta where our families are. I also really want to open a Montessori school which DP will teach at and I will administrate.

Wow. That's long. Sorry I just dumped the contents of my head out.
megan sacha's Avatar megan sacha 07:09 PM 12-11-2008
Great idea for a thread! I need something to do while I wait 10+ months! DS who was carried by DW was born in 4/07 and we initially were going to start trying with me around his 1st birthday but our KD left the area for what we thought was a year and it's now two years. So, we're planning to start ttc as soon as he returns.

Of course, my obsession right now is that I learned through his BF that he has started smoking again (hasn't for maybe 15 yrs) since he's lonely and stressed where he is. I can't believe he's smoking and don't know what to do about it. It's killing me but I don't feel I can bring it up to him, you know? I certainly don't want to try when he's smoking and I know he plans to stop when he returns but I want it stopped NOW!! ::

So, I can't make him healthy but I'm working on myself. I've started some vitamins suggested by my ND, but need to find a prenatal I can take. (I have a hard time swallowing large pills.) I've been seeing another ND specialist to help me with a long term GERD problem which he has pretty must 90% resolved after a 10 year battle. Yay! I want to lose about 25lbs by the time I ttc but have stalled on that. Need more exercise. We eat relatively healthy but not all the time. DW is suddenly on board for trying to get healthier too so we'll have a back up uterus if I'm not successful. I have PCOS, so I'm a bit negative about my chances. But, I REALLY want to be the one to get pg and she supports me in that.

We need to make a plan to save $$ and vacation time but haven't done that yet. There's so much to do and it's hard to find the time to think it all through with a toddler.

Glad to be able to share ideas on health optimization and get support here with you all.
osker's Avatar osker 01:48 PM 12-12-2008
Welcome megan-sacha! I think that our group tends to be a bit of a slow one, especially with the holidays and ends of semesters... but then we're all on long roads, so slow and steady is great!
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 11:26 PM 12-12-2008
Hi! Forgive my temporary absence, but I'm now mostly done with finals. YAY! I've got a take home one that's not due till Jan 1 and a state licensing exam in a week, but those two aren't too bad to me.

I love to hear about peoples' plan, esp for budgeting. I have been thinking about this so much! We aren't going to have as much money as I'd like when we start TTC, but how do you budget for something that could cost $1,000 or could cost $40,000?? I like to do my budget for a year in advance too, and right now I'm going nuts because I have no idea what my income will be after I finish this program, or even when I would start earning an income, and I have no idea how much money it will cost to get knocked up.


Also, I'm wondering what the non-carrying partners out there are doing to prepare. I had a long long talk about it with my DP who is super supporting and wonderful. I am the obsessive researcher between us, and that's always worked for us, but now we both kind of don't know how she can be engaged in the process and a part of it.


megan sacha's Avatar megan sacha 12:20 AM 12-13-2008
Originally Posted by milletpuff View Post
Also, I'm wondering what the non-carrying partners out there are doing to prepare. I had a long long talk about it with my DP who is super supporting and wonderful. I am the obsessive researcher between us, and that's always worked for us, but now we both kind of don't know how she can be engaged in the process and a part of it.


Well, does the non-obsessive researcher like to research at all? Could you give her a "task" of researching something related to ttc or social networks you could be part of as ttc or pg or parenting partners or things you'll need for the babe once you have one?
milletpuff's Avatar milletpuff 12:37 AM 12-13-2008
Eh, I don't think she's as into researching as I am at all, I also think she feels a little overwhelmed with all the research I've done maybe? That's a good idea tho, I could definitely come up with something and see how that goes. Two of her co workers had the same midwife for their home births and loved her, I could get her on that trail, since a finding health care practitioners is sort of looming at the top of the list!
osker's Avatar osker 02:12 PM 12-13-2008
Kittenanny - Are you having a birthday today?? If so, I hope it is a good one!

Happy Birthday!
Monarchgrrl's Avatar Monarchgrrl 06:43 PM 12-15-2008
Originally Posted by milletpuff View Post
Eh, I don't think she's as into researching as I am at all, I also think she feels a little overwhelmed with all the research I've done maybe? That's a good idea tho, I could definitely come up with something and see how that goes. Two of her co workers had the same midwife for their home births and loved her, I could get her on that trail, since a finding health care practitioners is sort of looming at the top of the list!
That sounds exactly like my DW. She won't be doing any research or probably any reading! I'm going to try to make her read the Birth Partner book since I will want her support for the birth but we'll also have a Doula for that stuff, so if she doesn't read it, it's fine.

I think my DW is mainly much more concerned about life and what happens once the baby is born. I'm perfectly fine doing all the research and preparing needed for the conception, pregnancy and birth. I want it all done my way, anyway

Sorry, I don't really have ideas. I've resigned myself to the idea that I am the researcher/preparer and she's not and that's fine with me since I'll be carrying and she won't. She can help more with the stuff that happens once the baby is in our arms. We're still having some discussions about vaxes. We're close to being in agreement (I think), but not quite. That's the only thing we've found so far that we don't agree about 100%.
knittinanny's Avatar knittinanny 08:23 AM 12-18-2008
Originally Posted by osker View Post
Are you having a birthday today?? If so, I hope it is a good one!

Happy Birthday!
Thanks! It was my birthday! I had a lovely surprise party, but then I got the flu and I've been out of commission for a few days. I'm on the mend now, but it's totally messed up my charting and temping for this month. C'est la vie, I suppose. I'm still waiting on my copy of Fully Fertile. It's amidst Christmas post and is taking a long time to arrive.

I don't feel like my DP is that involved in the TTC process yet. It's been a hard slog just getting him to be ok with the whole baby idea. He's mostly excited about it, but is still pretty fearful. Just last night, he said again that babies are too much work. I'm not sure how to get him more involved. I'm the obsessive researcher in our house. I'm sure once we get nearer and start talking about medicine and procedures and stuff, he'll be more interested, especially if we end up being able to use his eggs. I am really aware though that right now, TTC seems like 'my baby project' rather than a family thing.
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