I'm looking for input -- particularly any negatives/potential negatives you can see.
Background: We're planning to TTC in August. Our preference is for a known donor, but that search has not been going so well. Mostly because we just don't know many people, I think.
Soooo, yesterday we were talking to a church friend at lunch. He is a currently single, fairly recently widowed after a long-term relationship, gay man. We were talking about how we were going to be (hopefully) having a baby soon. He shared that he really wants to have a baby, but doesn't see it as a real possibility -- he wants a known surrogate. Talk then shifted, sort of jokingly, to him being our sperm donor and then me carrying a baby for him. We were all sort of joking... in that what if sort of way.
Kim and I were then talking about it last night. And realized that neither of us were really joking. What we would like to see happen: he donates for us until we have two children (twins, if we're lucky or two separate pregnancies) and then I conceive a third time for him.
Positives: we get our known donor (which is a whole host of positives)
Potential negatives: we go to the same church/have largely the same social circle -- will that be weird (for us? for others? for the children?)?; will I be ok with it being *his* child -- particularly if he doesn't make the same parenting decisions I would?
Ok, thoughts? Other positives/negatives? :
If that's the case, I would be very cautious. I don't know if many folks could hand over that baby, no matter what logic had previously prevailed.
My gut says don't do it ...
There is a surrogate thread over in the tribes area ... they might have more experience in the matter.
I would think *maybe* this could work if you were planning to use donor eggs, but I still wouldn't want to agree to anything like this before ever getting pregnant, giving birth and parenting a baby.
What about the possibility of a co-parenting situation?
Based on this, I absolutely KNOW that I could not surrogate for someone with my own eggs. Maybe not even with donor eggs. There's just no way I could have a baby (which I don't think I could help thinking of as "my" baby) grow inside of me and then give it to someone else to parent. If you'd asked me before I got pregnant and gave birth, my answer would have been very different. I think it's something I would have at least considered. But now, I know that there is no way I could do it.
Everyone is different, and you may have a very different experience. But I would definitely approach the situation with caution, and recognize that how you THINK you're going to feel about a baby growing inside of you and how you actually DO feel about it may be two very different things.
A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!
Building queer family since 2008!
(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)
I'm a queer / trans-activist / poly / pagan / (dis)abled / crazy / crunchy partner to fsonj; we're mamas to our unschooled/freeskooled 10yo, and co-breastfeed our sprightly toddler born Nov '10! (Ask me about how to supplement at the breast!)
We had DS in December of 2006, and I am currently pregnant with baby #2 using the same known donor. He is a friend of DPs from her university days (now my friend too, obviously.) He had offered to be a sperm donor for DP before she and I ever got together, and was more than happy to do so when the time came for us to be ready to start a family.
As soon as we started discussing the logistics of him being our KD, I told him that I would be more than happy to act as a surrogate for him and his DP if they chose to have kids, provided that I was 35 or younger. I would be happy to carry a baby concieved using his sperm (making the child a full biological sibling to my own) or his partner's. I have no doubt that I would be able to carry the baby and then hand it over to him and his DP to parent - they are wonderful people whom I trust more than anything. And our KD gave us the chance to have a family. If he and his DP want a family, I want to give them that chance too.
The only thing that is different in our situation is that our KD and his partner live pretty much clear across the continent. We live in central Canada, he in southern California. We get together about once a year, so if he was parenting a child I gave birth to I wouldn't be seeing them all the time, just like he only sees DS about once a year.
I don't know that KD and his partner will ever take me up on the offer. I think that they may well go the adoption route, as he has mentioned wanting to adopt an older/mixed race child through domestic adoption. However should he ask and I still be under 35, I will happily TTC a baby with him again, for he and his DP to parent.
Kim and I have read over your responses together and it has given us some more food for thought. Meanwhile, we have identified another possible kd, who we actually think might be a better fit for our family. We are planning to ask him soon.
However, if it doesn't work out with him, we have not completely ruled out using the first potential kd. There are some things to be cautious about -- and you helped us think of a few more -- but we also think there is the potential for a really good thing there.
Navigating this TTC thing is hard... and intimidating! Thanks again for all of your insight.
At this point, unless I could lose some weight, I can't go through another pregnancy, and we need to TTC #2 before we could even consider a surrogacy, which would leave me pretty old to be a surrogate. I wish more than anything I could offer to carry our KDs baby. I really really hope they can have the family they want just like we've been able to.
Queer Parenting since 2007
He will be coming back soon in 2009 for us to TTC #3, and has been affected by our loss just as much as we were. But I appreciate his being willing to help us have a sibling for E.
I guess it's a very hard decision for some people and a very easy one for others. I am just not one who could do that.
((((LM)))) I am so very sorry for your loss. I appreciate your unique perspective too.
Thanks again everyone!