Queer TTC/pregnant after loss - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 111 Old 02-18-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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I've had 3 miscarriages, and each time, it's been more like 45-60 days until AF. I do tend to have long cycles to begin with, but waiting for that first AF is so hard. Interestingly, this last m/c was the furthest along, but AF came the soonest.

We just did our first insem since the m/c in December. I'm feeling kind of bla about it. Our timing was totally off, but we were heading on vacation, so had to do it. I don't even know if I've ovulated yet. I guess I'm technically in the 2ww, but I think I'll wait longer than 2 weeks. And if I happen to see two lines, then I think I will be entering the 3 month wait... thinking that if I make it to the second trimester, I should be ok...

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#62 of 111 Old 02-24-2009, 11:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Everyone - Just wanted to check in. I changed the title so that this thread can be more inclusive.

I know several of us are back to TTC and this month has been a little haywire for some

As for me, I'm doing alright. We just switched to a known donor and I'm feeling good about it. We should be insemming over the next few days.

I just realized I only have two more tries between now and my due date. When we decided to try again I remember thinking - "god, I hope we get pregnant again before the due date"

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#63 of 111 Old 02-25-2009, 01:25 AM
 
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It's funny, I was just thinking about due dates. If my first pregnancy had stuck, and if that baby had been born on his/her due date, today would have been his/her first birthday. Last year, I was pregnant at this time, and while I certainly thought about it, I had less emotion about the whole thing than I do now, for some reason. I guess part of it is having lived with Ocean for six months now, and understanding so keenly what it means to give birth to, to raise, another person. And with that comes the knowledge of what was lost.

It's hard. Obviously, if I'd stayed pregnant, I wouldn't have the amazing kid I have now. And, I can truly say that I would not change a thing, not a single thing, that would take her away from me. And yet, there's still this sadness, this sense of loss of this other life, this other path, this other thing that might have been.

And, I emailed my ex today to ask for a copy of the cd we recorded right after I found out I was pregnant the first time. Communication not being her strong suit, I'm not sure that I'll ever hear back from her. But I do hope she sends me the cd.

And in non-me-related news, PF, I'm really psyched that you guys are moving ahead with a known donor. That's very exciting!

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#64 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 12:32 PM
 
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Got a positive test this morning. Hard to believe. Hard to be happy. As I said earlier, now I just feel like I'm entering the 3 month wait rather than the 2ww. Fortunately the doctor said he would do earlier tests for me to at least soften the emotional blow of another m/c. Read March Conceptions for DP's funny story about the BFP this morning!!

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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#65 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 02:06 PM
 
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Congrats! That's such wonderful news! : It _is_ hard to be happy isn't it? It feels more like limbo than much else. I'm starting to let a little excitement in...just a little over the past few days. Especially since my ultrasound last Tues, which actually showed a baby with a beating heart...of course, I had that last time too, so...but CONGRATS, all the same!

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#66 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ktcl - I'm really so happy for you! I hope the next three months fly by and you are able to enjoy the last six carefree.

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#67 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 04:03 PM
 
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Congrats to you Katie and Megin! That is so exciting! : Wishing you a very sticky bean and a healthy and uneventful 9 months ahead.

As I am sure most of you know from reading the TTC thread, we did not get pregnant this month. AF came, one day late, last Friday. I was really bummed. This is the first time that we've inseminated and not gotten pregnant, so it was a whole new experience for me. We're out this month because of travel, but hope to insem again in April. KD seems to think his schedule will allow him to come when we need him, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

We took E to a birthday party this Saturday. E's little friend turned three, and his mom (a former coworker of mine) is about 25 weeks pregnant. It was so so hard for me to see her pregnant and know that I should be too, and further along than she is now. It took all of my strength not to run away. Saturday night was rough. Now all I can think is that I might not actually be pregnant again come my due date. I'm kind of freaking out here.

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#68 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 09:41 PM
 
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Oh, big hugs lemurmommies for that experience of watching someone else pregnant and where you should be.. Ugh. FWIW, I say that this month was exactly what it was supposed to be for you... letting your body get nice and strong for the next insem in April. In the mean time, I say enjoy being out of the TTC world for a month! Indulge!

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#69 of 111 Old 03-02-2009, 11:20 PM
 
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Oh, big hugs lemurmommies for that experience of watching someone else pregnant and where you should be.. Ugh. FWIW, I say that this month was exactly what it was supposed to be for you... letting your body get nice and strong for the next insem in April. In the mean time, I say enjoy being out of the TTC world for a month! Indulge!
Thanks Katie. It was super hard. I've also been invited to a baby shower for a friend who is due about 3 weeks after I should have been. Am I a cold and heartless b*tch for feeling like I don't want to go? I have a gift for her and everything, but I just want to give it to her and not go to the party. Think she'll understand?

And indulge I will. I'm headed to my home town for the annual St. Patrick's Day show, which I have been performing in since I was three. i was supposed to be 33 weeks pregnant at the show. But now... After the two shows are over, I am going to drink (maybe a little too much), and perhaps have a cigarette or two (something I do only a few times a year when not pregnant) and generally party it up with all my childless friends who seem to not have a care in the world. And then I might just cry myself to sleep.

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#70 of 111 Old 03-03-2009, 12:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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oh lemurmommies.

I think any friend would understand skipping the shower - totally. The big events that we spent our early pregnancy envisioning ourselves with big bellies at - ugh. Holidays, work conferences, class reunion - each one has been hard. I hope you have a good time on St. Pat's day and are able to get just drunk enough

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#71 of 111 Old 03-04-2009, 11:41 PM
 
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KD booked his plane ticket for April today. So we are a go for next cycle. I am trying to mentally prepare as much as I an for both possibilities - that I might get pregnant, and that I might not. I think that either outcome will bring on a LOT of emotions, and I am trying to work through that as much as possible on this month off.

I miss Noelle.

lemurmommies, loving wife to ruvalokiteshvara, proud moms to our intact son E (12/06), and mourning the loss of our daughter Noelle (stillborn 12/08).
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#72 of 111 Old 03-05-2009, 01:24 AM
 
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KD booked his plane ticket for April today. So we are a go for next cycle. I am trying to mentally prepare as much as I an for both possibilities - that I might get pregnant, and that I might not. I think that either outcome will bring on a LOT of emotions, and I am trying to work through that as much as possible on this month off.

I miss Noelle.
I don't really have anything wise to say except that I can only imagine how much you miss her and I hope you have lots of comfort and love around you.

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#73 of 111 Old 03-05-2009, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#74 of 111 Old 03-20-2009, 07:50 PM
 
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Hi folks,
Thought I'd bump this thread back onto our radar and get a little input. Today is the first day I haven't felt anything. Mind you, my symptoms this time have been very mild. I might notice a twinge of nausea for a moment or two before I get a snack in me. But today I felt nothing, and of course that started to get me worried. Some people say that if you have a feeling something is wrong, you're often right, because you just "know" but I KNOW that because of 3 miscarriages, I am going to assume something is wrong at some point, right? Either way, it's a little crazy making.

Ultra sound on WEdnesday. Major fingers crossed! By the way, what do you think they can tell at an ultrasound at 7.5 weeks?

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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#75 of 111 Old 03-20-2009, 11:58 PM
 
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ktcl, they can tell from an u/s at 7.5 weeks whether or not there's actually anything developing. It was at astropeep's u/s at about that far along that we learned there wasn't anything, and that she would miscarry. That's actually the most common type -- development just stops early on, but your body chugs along as though everything's okay for a few more weeks. I'm fervently hoping you see a normal little blob instead of the awful nothing we saw!

astropeep is in the 2ww right now, in our first try since the miscarriage. It's 8 DPO and she says she feels pregnant -- she has a really sensitive sense of smell, and heartburn (both of which were symptoms last time. She's been traveling though, so who knows -- could just be stress). She's gone for the weekend and agreed not to POAS until she gets back Monday night. So we won't know anything for a few days.
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#76 of 111 Old 03-21-2009, 08:44 AM
 
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I had an u/s at 8 wks when I ended up having first m/c. We saw a lot, including a heartbeat. I had had an u/s at 6 weeks too (I was having cramping even that early) and we could see the sac and fetal pole but no heartbeat yet.

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#77 of 111 Old 03-22-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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fozziebear-- fingers crossed for you guys.
Carmen-- wow, so at 8 weeks everything looked ok, and then you miscarried? Ugh!

Now my other frustration or perhaps just question is: since I am taking progesterone, is that going to stop me from spontaneously miscarrying no matter what? With my last m/c, I was on progesterone, and didn't miscarry for another 3-4 weeks after we found out the fetus was not developing. That was miserable, and I don't want to do that again. I guess I just wonder, if things AREN'T ok at this point, is it even possible for me to start bleeding, given the progesterone? I almost wish that I knew it WAs possible to start bleeding so that every day there is no blood, I feel a sense of victory. Strange, I know.

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#78 of 111 Old 03-30-2009, 10:52 PM
 
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THIS SUCKS!!!!! Officially. Ok, so it's partially my fault. We had an ultrasound that was probably too early. we were supposed to wait until 8 weeks, but because of my long cycles, it was really only 7 weeks. But no heartbeat. Doesn't look good. But HCG is still rising, though not doubling or anything. Next ultrasound on Friday.

But really... why would I have to have 4 miscarriages? REally! I get the point! Life is fragile, life is miraculous, be thankful for all it is. Any other messages I'm supposed to get? I think I get them.

Please let me see that little flutter on the ultrasound on Friday!!!!!

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#79 of 111 Old 03-30-2009, 11:42 PM
 
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THIS SUCKS!!!!! Officially. Ok, so it's partially my fault. We had an ultrasound that was probably too early. we were supposed to wait until 8 weeks, but because of my long cycles, it was really only 7 weeks. But no heartbeat. Doesn't look good. But HCG is still rising, though not doubling or anything. Next ultrasound on Friday.

But really... why would I have to have 4 miscarriages? REally! I get the point! Life is fragile, life is miraculous, be thankful for all it is. Any other messages I'm supposed to get? I think I get them.

Please let me see that little flutter on the ultrasound on Friday!!!!!
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so so sorry Katie. Sometimes I wonder if there was a message behind Noelle's loss. That it wasn't the right time... that we were supposed to have a different baby... that she only stayed for 18 weeks to prepare my body further for the next pregnancy. But then other times I just think HELL NO! She was supposed to be MINE! And I wish I had her back.

I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you guys. I hope that Friday's ultrasound shows a perfect bean in there.

As for me, I should be 36 weeks pregnant today. I have officially been un-pregnant with Noelle as long as I was pregnant with her. I am finding it hard, especially since queer friends of ours just had a baby girl on Saturday.

I am CD 3, and our donor arrives in town next Wednesday. Please, please let me get a BFP this month. I'd love to be pregnant by May 1st (Noelle's due date.)

lemurmommies, loving wife to ruvalokiteshvara, proud moms to our intact son E (12/06), and mourning the loss of our daughter Noelle (stillborn 12/08).
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#80 of 111 Old 03-31-2009, 10:54 PM
 
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Wow lemurmommies-- 36 weeks. That's hard. I am definitely keeping fingers crossed for a great visit from KD yielding a BFP for you guys. Not that anyone doesn't "deserve" it, but really... you DESERVE it!

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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#81 of 111 Old 04-03-2009, 09:57 AM
 
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Not that anyone doesn't "deserve" it, but really... you DESERVE it!
Thanks Katie! Less than a week until KD arrives. It's a little unreal.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way for the ultrasound today! :

lemurmommies, loving wife to ruvalokiteshvara, proud moms to our intact son E (12/06), and mourning the loss of our daughter Noelle (stillborn 12/08).
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#82 of 111 Old 04-03-2009, 08:03 PM
 
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Hi folks,

I think I'm a little numb right now. The ultrasound was bad today. No heartbeat, so we're out... again. I don't understand how this can happen again. I really don't. And I don't understand how my body can keep thinking it's pregnant, when there is nothing viable there. Today I decided that it's because I've been doing so much visualizing, and "intending" that I can make a whole lot happen with my mind, but it's not enough to actually cause there to be life when there is none there.

We decided to go with a D&C this time. Last time's waiting was so painful (and we waited for like 3 weeks) I can't do that again. Also, my understanding is that they can do some sort of testing with the fetal tissue that might lead to some greater understanding of what my problem with miscarriages is. And I have NO interest in trying to save that fetal tissue myself.

I want to go to a miscarriage specialist. Does anyone know about such a thing? Is it just a reproductive endocrinologist that specializes in miscarriage?

I'm sure the tears will come throughout the weekend, but right now I just feel oddly numb. It probably doesn't help that physically I feel no different now than I did 5 hours ago before the ultrasound!

Ugh!!!

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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#83 of 111 Old 04-03-2009, 10:25 PM
 
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Oh Katie,

So sorry about your loss. I think you're wise to go with the d & c. Don't know how early your other losses were, but when I miscarried at 10 weeks (baby stopped growing at 8.5), I really wished I would have done the d & c--it was incredibly painful and there was quite a bit of tissue--sorry, tmi. Also, if the doc can learn something from the tissue, it's probably good to do so at this point. You're in my thoughts.

PROUD mama to Amiya, age 6 , and Asher, born 10/2009 . Loving partner to dp, Amy.
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#84 of 111 Old 04-03-2009, 10:51 PM
 
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I'm so, so, sorry for your loss, Katie and Megin.

There is such a thing as recurring miscarriage that some REs specialize in. My understanding is that they can do chromosome/genetic testing on the fetus, and test your blood for clotting disorders and antibodies.

I hope you get some answers soon.

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#85 of 111 Old 04-03-2009, 11:03 PM
 
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katie,

again, let me say how sorry i am for your loss. i really can't even imagine.

my sil had recurring m/c and ended up seeing a specialist. she had 3 m/c and an ectopic, the ectopic resulted in her losing a tube. she and my brother had all the testing done, genetic and otherwise and they could not find a reason why she kept miscarrying. they even started thinking about ivf and got on the nhs waiting list. however, right after our son was born they got pregnant again and this baby stuck! she is now 10 months old. during her pregnancy the nhs had her attend the "miscarriage clinic" and she was monitored closely throughout.

i think from your d&c they can do a karotype and try to figure out what went wrong, if anything. my brother and sil did wonder if she was only able to carry girl babies but like i said the genetic testing didn't reveal any issues at all.

take care,
g

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#86 of 111 Old 04-04-2009, 12:56 AM
 
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Megin and Katie, I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, but please know that you are all in my thoughts. I hope that you can find some peace in each other, and some answers soon.

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

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(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#87 of 111 Old 04-04-2009, 02:43 AM
 
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I'm very sorry, Katie I hope you get some answers and that you both heal well.

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#88 of 111 Old 04-04-2009, 09:06 AM
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Katie & Megin---My heart is extended to you and yours in this moment of sadness, grief, and numbness. I wish you all the tenderness in the universe as you go through this process. Seeking answers is often all we can do, though the medical industry often falls short in this department. Life is a miraculous and tragic thing, and it really really sucks sometimes for NO good reason at all!! Be well and hug each other lots.

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#89 of 111 Old 04-04-2009, 09:50 AM
 
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kt and mgcl, so sorry to hear the news.


  Two moms and two boys enjoying the truth that love always wins!!!  joy.gifjoy.gifpartners.gif
 

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#90 of 111 Old 04-04-2009, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Katie and Megin. There are no words. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry.

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