Using a known donor who doesn't live nearby - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 02-17-2009, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi there,
This is my first post here...
My wife and I were married in September (eeee, so fun to say "wife"!), and very much want to be parents. While it will probably be a few more years until we are ready practically to bring a babe into the world, I am overwhelmingly ready (on an emotional level) to have a child. I'm channeling this longing by doing lots of researching and thinking about our plans, talking to my wife, reading, imagining... ok, and getting a little overinvolved with my two friends who are expecting this summer. And feeling really sad, too.

But anyway.

My question is this:
One of my dear friends recently suggested that we might be able to use her husband's sperm to conceive. Now, clearly, we'd have to ask HIM what he thought, and there are all kinds of potential reasons this might not work, etc etc. BUT... if we were, hypothetically, to use his sperm sometime down the line... well, I have some logistical questions and would love to hear anyone's experiences with similar situations.

These friends live about a 4.5 hour drive from us. Basically, what does one do about travel? Do we go to him? Does he come to us? And, more specifically, how do we time it all with my cycles? I'm assuming, never having tracked my cycles, ovulation, etc., that we can't know this kind of thing more than a month or so in advance, if that (correct me if I'm wrong). How have people managed with this, dropping everything to drive almost five hours every month, or asking that of someone else? Now that I imagine that, I guess we'd have to go to him - I wouldn't want to ask him to go to that kind of effort when he'd already be giving us this amazing gift.

So... thoughts? Experiences? Ideas?
Clearly I'm getting ahead of myself hear, but my sweetie and I just sat and talked about how much we would like to at least ask him someday, what a good "candidate" he'd be in so many ways... and anyway, I just started wondering.

Thanks so much!
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#2 of 5 Old 02-17-2009, 06:39 PM
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We have done just about every permutation of the long-distance donor thing (and have a 7-week-old baby boy in arms for our efforts!), since our donor lives on the West coast and we live on the East coast. I found booking plane tickets based on my cycle one of the most challenging parts, and it sounds like you wouldn't have to do that, so that's great!

Most of the time I was the one who travelled, though our donor did travel to us and deposit sperm in a local bank which we then used for IUIs. I had a very understanding boss .

Our donor was also our donor for our daughter (and we were housemates then--ah, the simplicity!), and we have a very open and communicative relationship with him. He and his partner have also been very invested in our efforts--they are like extended family to us. Lots and lots of communication is the key to making something like this work, I think. It can be done! I'd have loved to be able to drive 4.5 hours to our donor... as it was, Southwest was our friend, with their easily-changed tickets.

I would also suggest starting to track your cycle as early as possible--that way you'll be able to make more informed decisions about travelling (though in general I found that my very predictable cycles were never totally predictable). For us the cycle that worked (after 18 months) was one where I had an ultrasound in the a.m., saw lovely follicles, did a trigger shot in the morning and got on a plane with my 5 y.o. that afternoon, and insemmed that night and the next with my partner who had flown in from a different city. We had another cycle that also worked that was much less monitored, where we were just out there on a vacation and the timing was right (m/c with that one).

Good luck--feel free to ask lots of questions--the women in this forum have lots of experience with all kinds of conception journeys!
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#3 of 5 Old 02-18-2009, 03:17 PM
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FYI, shipping is an option. Works for some folks...we've only tried once cycle, so I can't personally endorse. We had this one recommended to us:, but there's also biotranz.

Motility is supposed to be better than frozen, not as good as fresh.

Good luck!

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#4 of 5 Old 02-19-2009, 01:28 AM
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shipping is an option, but considering that you guys are only 5 hours drive away (which is considerably close than most people have been with their known donors) i would suggest driving for the goods rather than shipping them, or perhaps even meeting halfway somewhere.

shipping timing can get really tricky and although i've heard of some people having success with the shipping, it has to be done just right each and every time, and the timing of delivery has to be perfect. i feel like the stress of making sure the sperm arrives alive is too much considering your distance.

giggle - mommy to GP born 3.16.09 and parter to liberty (GP's mama). hoping to have 2 under 2 in the very near future via DP's ute!
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#5 of 5 Old 02-23-2009, 05:11 PM
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We have a donor that lives Eurpoe (yikes) and plan on storing his goods when he comes to drop them off. It's dramatic enough to get the donor in the right place for long enough (no less than 10 days), I wouldn't dream of trying to coordinate with my cycles.

For a donor that lives 4.5 hrs away, coordinating cycles would be best because fresh sperm works better than frozen.

Good luck!
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