Hello--
My partner and I are both ttc and working through the process of becoming foster parents. We intend to adopt through the foster system at some point --we're halfway through getting our license now. We've looked at the adoption industry and racism in the fostercare system and realize both systems are pretty broken...but, there are kids who need homes now, too. Add to that, that our county is pretty good at placing kids with kin when possible and pretty good at recruiting Black foster parents, but, all the "foster to adopt" parents seem to be white. So...that means any families of color wanting to adopt kids of color will be so matched, but that some, many, kids of color will be matched with white parents. We've already had our "culture" class in the pre-training and it's obvious the vast majority of the white folks in the room are utterly clueless about racism and identity development and stuff like that. Therefore, we've reached a commitment to foster and adopt Black kids or biracial Black/white kids. We're not perfect, but we have each had over a decade of involvement in anti-racism programs, are trainers in various programs, been sorting out what it means to us to be white for a long time, and have at least the beginning of a clue about how this will change our life and the commitments we will make to our children (where we live, where we vacation, who we socialize with, what books, dolls, toys, tv we have, talking about race with them...) We know we will not completely understand their experiences, we know that forming a healthy racial identity will be harder and will require multiracial settings and adults of color to be mentors and role models. As well, all of their cousins on my partner's side of the family are biracial so they will fit in with those cousins.
We know that we really don't have a clue about how much this commitment will change our lives--but, I didn't know how much getting married would change my life and still knew it was the right thing to do...same with seminary.
So, back to the ttc. That's the real question. We are totally committed to known donor conception, preferably gay. Not up for debate, we know the pros and cons, done our homework, read a lot of blogs and corresponded with a bunch of donor conceived young adults and we are only willing to do a known donor who can be a part of a child's life. We've been through our friends and family, we've moved on to meeting folks on the web through the various matchmaking sites. Say what you will, we've met some pretty awesome guys there. (And some real creeps, of course).
It so happens that a young Black man contacted us in response to our ad. We had said open to all races, and here we are. What we are realizing is that if we use a known donor who is white, we will be adding a third white family branch to our lives...that's probably not the best thing for any adopted kids of color.
So, we are contemplating ttc with this guy. We've met him, he's great, exactly the kind of guy we want our children to know. There's a part of me that's wondering if we're making some huge faux pas, though. Okay, so many kids of color in the foster care system are going to be transracially adopted. Fixing that is a generational task involving not only fixing the laws, but also undoing all the ways racism impacts who ends up in foster care.
But, should we be conceiving children of color to be raised by two white moms? Yet...if we are going to conceive children and since we are committed to a known donor (for the good of our biological children), choosing a donor of color seems best for our future adopted children.
I know there are many thoughtful people here with a wide variety of experiences--what do you think? What questions should we be asking ourselves?
Ellen
My partner and I are both ttc and working through the process of becoming foster parents. We intend to adopt through the foster system at some point --we're halfway through getting our license now. We've looked at the adoption industry and racism in the fostercare system and realize both systems are pretty broken...but, there are kids who need homes now, too. Add to that, that our county is pretty good at placing kids with kin when possible and pretty good at recruiting Black foster parents, but, all the "foster to adopt" parents seem to be white. So...that means any families of color wanting to adopt kids of color will be so matched, but that some, many, kids of color will be matched with white parents. We've already had our "culture" class in the pre-training and it's obvious the vast majority of the white folks in the room are utterly clueless about racism and identity development and stuff like that. Therefore, we've reached a commitment to foster and adopt Black kids or biracial Black/white kids. We're not perfect, but we have each had over a decade of involvement in anti-racism programs, are trainers in various programs, been sorting out what it means to us to be white for a long time, and have at least the beginning of a clue about how this will change our life and the commitments we will make to our children (where we live, where we vacation, who we socialize with, what books, dolls, toys, tv we have, talking about race with them...) We know we will not completely understand their experiences, we know that forming a healthy racial identity will be harder and will require multiracial settings and adults of color to be mentors and role models. As well, all of their cousins on my partner's side of the family are biracial so they will fit in with those cousins.
We know that we really don't have a clue about how much this commitment will change our lives--but, I didn't know how much getting married would change my life and still knew it was the right thing to do...same with seminary.
So, back to the ttc. That's the real question. We are totally committed to known donor conception, preferably gay. Not up for debate, we know the pros and cons, done our homework, read a lot of blogs and corresponded with a bunch of donor conceived young adults and we are only willing to do a known donor who can be a part of a child's life. We've been through our friends and family, we've moved on to meeting folks on the web through the various matchmaking sites. Say what you will, we've met some pretty awesome guys there. (And some real creeps, of course).
It so happens that a young Black man contacted us in response to our ad. We had said open to all races, and here we are. What we are realizing is that if we use a known donor who is white, we will be adding a third white family branch to our lives...that's probably not the best thing for any adopted kids of color.
So, we are contemplating ttc with this guy. We've met him, he's great, exactly the kind of guy we want our children to know. There's a part of me that's wondering if we're making some huge faux pas, though. Okay, so many kids of color in the foster care system are going to be transracially adopted. Fixing that is a generational task involving not only fixing the laws, but also undoing all the ways racism impacts who ends up in foster care.
But, should we be conceiving children of color to be raised by two white moms? Yet...if we are going to conceive children and since we are committed to a known donor (for the good of our biological children), choosing a donor of color seems best for our future adopted children.
I know there are many thoughtful people here with a wide variety of experiences--what do you think? What questions should we be asking ourselves?
Ellen