Advertising for a donor? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-17-2009, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello everyone. I've been a lurker for a while, and have appreciated the amount of knowledge on the board. I have some questions, but first a little intro.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and had a wedding in July 2007. I identify as bisexual, and she would probably call herself a lesbian. We're polyamorous, although not seeing anyone else currently. I have a 17-year old daughter, but we've always talked about having more children together. After a number of years of it never being "the right time", we're impatient to get on with things. I have PCOS, so it may be a bit challenging.

We're currently reviewing our options, and one thing that keeps popping up is the possibility of advertising for a donor. We are considering putting an ad on craigslist (or other sites, if anyone has a recommendation). I know this has some challenges, and it feels a bit scary to me. Then again, all donor options have pros and cons, and I don't feel 100% comfortable with any of them. Advertising seems as good an option as any.

I don't know anyone else who has found a donor this way, and am not entirely sure what to expect or what to ask. I know I've seen it mentioned on here, and I would love any advice or personal stories you have to share.

Thanks,
Denise
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#2 of 8 Old 03-17-2009, 05:09 PM
 
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I put an ad on craigslist b/c I'm in a college town and knew that college boys would love the cash. I got maybe 10 responses and easily narrowed it down by maturity level and then by what they looked like. I met in person with the one I liked best. He was 19, very mature, non-smoker, vegetarian, etc. I paid him and then paid too for him to be screened. He gave me all of the medical records from the STDs. This is risky of course b/c he could have gone off and had unprotected sex after the tests, but I trusted that he wouldn't. For better or worse, who knows. He also went with me to get the agreement signed and notarized.
Anyway, my then-partner and I got into a really bad place in our relationship and ended it suddenly and I didn't end up using that donor. So...I can't tell you how it would have gone had we gone through with everything. But hope this helps a bit

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
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#3 of 8 Old 03-17-2009, 10:16 PM
 
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We found one of our known donors on craigslist. We had to weed through a lot of crazy offers and getting the ad pulled over and over. We would screen via email, screened via coffee dates chatting and then had him over to dinner as a last test. It took about 2 months for everything to get set up. Sadly he got a job offer out of the blue for a 2 year job out of the country. It was too good a career opportunity for him to pass up. We almost had a success with this donor but I miscarried shortly before he left the U.S.

Currently we are shipping fresh sperm from a donor on the East Coast. He was found for us by a friend. My partner, Jake, met him but Simon (other partner) and I have never met him. We all think he is great and would love it if I could get pregnant by him but the shipping is killing our budget. So we keep putting out feelers among friends and posting ads every now and then to see if we can get another local donor.

I have three bits of advice for advertising for a sperm donor. First, make an separate email just for this. You might get hate mail or really crazy respondents. Either way, you don't want that in your regular email. Second, ask for exactly what you want and continue to be completely honest while negotiating with a donor. Third, go with your gut. You may have what looks like a perfect donor on paper but if you are uneasy about it, even if you can't figure out why, go with it. This is too important to be uncomfortable with the person who is donating to you.

Good luck!

Queer poly family trying since October 2006. Currently using a known donor and no medical interventions.
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#4 of 8 Old 03-18-2009, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. I was already planning to have a separate email, and to send out a brief questionnaire to help screen the crazies before I moved to even a phone conversation. And then lots more questions after that.

Did you post in the personals or in the regular part of craigslist? Not really sure where an ad would get seen fastest... or by the right type of people!

I feel like it is a bit of a long-shot, but hearing that other people have done it makes me feel like it could happen for us, too. We had a very small pool of potential known donors, and they declined. We've considered a sperm bank but our baby fund was used for an emergency fund, and that kind of money is out of reach for us right now. So I'm exploring the options and just sort of seeing what turns up. Thanks for the advice!
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#5 of 8 Old 03-18-2009, 09:35 AM
 
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I actually posted in the jobs section, lmao Well, if you need money, that's where you go, so...makes sense. Can't remember now which section of the jobs though...think it might have been "general labor".

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
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#6 of 8 Old 03-18-2009, 09:44 AM
 
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Casual encounters - M4M.

You might wanna try M4M if you're looking for a queer guy. It's also probably fewer crazies than W4M.

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
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#7 of 8 Old 03-18-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FtMPapa View Post
Casual encounters - M4M.

You might wanna try M4M if you're looking for a queer guy. It's also probably fewer crazies than W4M.
Maybe I just stereotype too much, but I'd be really worried about the sort of response that would come from that section. They are going to ask (more likely) for intercourse in exchange for sperm.

Doing it through the jobs section gave me reassurance that people would be happy with money and not expect some weird sexual favors. Just my opinion.

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
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#8 of 8 Old 03-18-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
Maybe I just stereotype too much, but I'd be really worried about the sort of response that would come from that section. They are going to ask (more likely) for intercourse in exchange for sperm.

Doing it through the jobs section gave me reassurance that people would be happy with money and not expect some weird sexual favors. Just my opinion.
Trust me, you're likely going to get that anyway. We only got to it on craigslist but thought about an ad in the local gay paper. We may do the gay paper when we post again. We posted in M4M and W4M. We got more skevy replies from the W4M, and more hate mail.

We never offered money to any of our possible KDs. Our last local one barely let us buy him coffee. Our current one does all this crazy stuff dealing with the shipping buffer and FedEx and only ever asks that, if he is even in town, that he have a place to stay.

Queer poly family trying since October 2006. Currently using a known donor and no medical interventions.
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