How would you react? (polyamorous family) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 03-23-2009, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay I'm still kinda new to this so I'm sorry if this isn't where I'm meant to post this but here goes...

My DH and I are in an polyamorous relationship where DH has another female partner G. We were in complete agreement that both of us could have other long-term partners as well as more short-term flings.
It was something that I'd never come across before but I was open to it as an alternative lifestyle as long as our first priority was the family unit - by which I mean making sure that the children were comfortable and adjusting well to a situation somewhat out of the norm here.
I was also encouraged because whilst DH didn't initially want a large family he said that my willingness to be open-minded and encouraging about his idea of an alternative family meant that he too would be willing and encouraging about my idea of an alternative family (again in my corner of suburban hell more than two children is considered [I]seriously hippie[I]).
But now that he has his ideal lifestyle he's refusing to consider more children.
I'm hurt but feel like I shouldn't be because I agree with polyamorous relationship and he never promised to have more children.
How would you react?
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#2 of 7 Old 03-23-2009, 06:49 PM
 
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I'm a bit confused by what you're saying. You're both free to have LT relationships with others. Your DH has one, but now he doesn't want to have more children with his girlfriend or with you? Are you looking for a family unit that includes more than 2 adults and their children in the same home or would his GF and her children live elsewhere?

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#3 of 7 Old 03-23-2009, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry I was rambling a bit! :
DH doesn't want anymore children full stop with either G or me but I want more children myself.
Does that make more sense?
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#4 of 7 Old 03-24-2009, 08:49 AM
 
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Dw and I made a deal, when we were still in the "talking about having kids" phase, that even if we had babies, she would still be able to go and work as an outdoor guide (which often meant leaving home for 6 weeks at a time). I agreed because I was so eager to get pregnant, and because I didn't want her to feel trapped by our family. Then, just as morning sickness hit, dw disappeared for six weeks to go work in Alaska. It was very difficult. The next summer, we had 5-month-old twins, and still, she left for a month of work in Alaska (I could only talk to her once every 2 weeks or so). And so it continued each summer, despite the fact that the reality of having kids meant that her departures were much more difficult than I had anticipated. But, a deal is a deal, and I wanted her to feel FREE.

When I was ready to TTC #3, she said "No," and it did not seem fair to me AT ALL. I thought we had agreed to let each other follow our dreams, even if the dreams took us to Alaska for most of the summer or if they led us to have another baby. Eventually she did get on board with another pregnancy, after thinking about it for a few months and realizing that she did want us to feel free to follow our hearts in any situation (and our twins got older and I think she started to want another baby too).

So, it's sort of a different situation, but I would definitely be upset. I wouldn't make any threats (i.e. "if I can't have another baby, you can't keep seeing your GF!"), but I would encourage your dh to think about the ways in which you were allowing him to follow his heart, and how ideally he should do the same for you. A different sort of "open" relationship, I guess.

Good Luck!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#5 of 7 Old 03-24-2009, 09:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for some sage advice.

I think I'm going to have to make some time (difficult to do with two little ones) and talk to him about it reasonably without getting upset.
He has suggested I have more children with another partner but it just seems a little forced. "Hi, you seem nice, please impregnate me... have you met my husband?"

Congratulations and good luck with LO#4!:
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#6 of 7 Old 03-24-2009, 12:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by geiamama View Post
He has suggested I have more children with another partner but it just seems a little forced. "Hi, you seem nice, please impregnate me... have you met my husband?"
Sorry, the mental image made me chuckle.

But it also makes me wonder -- why doesn't he want to father more children? It seems like he's okay if you go to someone else to have another baby, but not him? I'm a little confused, I guess.

I can only suggest that you give it time.

- Born 7/21/09
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#7 of 7 Old 03-24-2009, 12:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serenekitten View Post
But it also makes me wonder -- why doesn't he want to father more children? It seems like he's okay if you go to someone else to have another baby, but not him? I'm a little confused, I guess.
Me too. I mean if he's happy to have more children in the house then why doesn't he want them to be his? Maybe he would prefer to have another person take the father role?
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