Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Northampton, MA
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Dw and I made a deal, when we were still in the "talking about having kids" phase, that even if we had babies, she would still be able to go and work as an outdoor guide (which often meant leaving home for 6 weeks at a time). I agreed because I was so eager to get pregnant, and because I didn't want her to feel trapped by our family. Then, just as morning sickness hit, dw disappeared for six weeks to go work in Alaska. It was very difficult. The next summer, we had 5-month-old twins, and still, she left for a month of work in Alaska (I could only talk to her once every 2 weeks or so). And so it continued each summer, despite the fact that the reality of having kids meant that her departures were much more difficult than I had anticipated. But, a deal is a deal, and I wanted her to feel FREE.
When I was ready to TTC #3, she said "No," and it did not seem fair to me AT ALL. I thought we had agreed to let each other follow our dreams, even if the dreams took us to Alaska for most of the summer or if they led us to have another baby. Eventually she did get on board with another pregnancy, after thinking about it for a few months and realizing that she did want us to feel free to follow our hearts in any situation (and our twins got older and I think she started to want another baby too).
So, it's sort of a different situation, but I would definitely be upset. I wouldn't make any threats (i.e. "if I can't have another baby, you can't keep seeing your GF!"), but I would encourage your dh to think about the ways in which you were allowing him to follow his heart, and how ideally he should do the same for you. A different sort of "open" relationship, I guess.
Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 & 12) in a small house with a lot of love.