But I don't WANT child support... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
serenekitten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had no idea where to put this because my situation is so... "unique."

I'm looking for advice.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple -- a man and a woman. The man is the father of my baby, due in July. We're hoping to eventually cohabit and raise the child together.

Unfortunately, though they both work full time, they have a foreclosure on their record and are living with his parents. I'm broke, unemployed, nearly eight months pregnant, and living with my elderly and disabled father (and trying desperately to get out before the baby is born). We're still "together," just living separately.

I'm working on signing up for TANF. Apparently I can receive some funds before the baby gets here... but after he's here, I have to turn my boyfriend in for child support unless I have "good cause" for the state to leave him alone. I don't have good cause -- at least, not one that fits into "domestic violence," "incest or rape," or "adoption."

I don't want to be a burden on them, financially or otherwise. I don't feel that he'd be able to afford child support, but I don't think he'd be able to support us on our own, either.

I don't even know how to approach a lawyer about all this.

Any thoughts?

- Born 7/21/09
serenekitten is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 01:37 PM
 
giggleblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
do you plan on putting down a father on the birth certificate? a lot of women have children and don't know who the father is. some states make you sign an affidavit stating so if that is the case.

giggle - mommy to GP born 3.16.09 and parter to liberty (GP's mama). hoping to have 2 under 2 in the very near future via DP's ute!
giggleblue is offline  
#3 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 01:49 PM
 
kriket's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SW Ohio
Posts: 4,609
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
nak

if the father is involved in the babies life you don't have to go after CS. bottom line, if you want state aid the state wants both parents to be financially involved in raising the child.

don't stress, the made me sign the form too and i am married to my son's father some of those forms are a little silly.

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
Mama to Sprout jog.gif 4.09 and Bruises babyboy.gif 7.11 handfasted to superhero.gif 9.07

kriket is offline  
#4 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
serenekitten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by giggleblue View Post
do you plan on putting down a father on the birth certificate? a lot of women have children and don't know who the father is. some states make you sign an affidavit stating so if that is the case.
I don't think they'd allow me to, if I wanted to continue receiving TANF funds. They're more than willing to send out as many petitions for DNA testing as is necessary to determine who the father is. One of the TANF rules states:

Quote:
6. The Department of Health and Human Services must find out who the parent of each child is and get child support money from the absent parent whose children are getting TANF or PaS.
A few other rules of note, if it helps:

Quote:
7. When you get a TANF or PaS payment, it creates a debt owed to the State by the absent parent. By accepting TANF or PaS, you are transferring your right to all child support to the Department of Health and Human Services.

8. TANF or PaS cannot be denied to eligible children because you refuse to cooperate in efforts to find out the parent of each child or to secure support from absent parents. But your needs will not be considered if you refuse to cooperate without good cause (good cause provision is not available to putative fathers and absent parents).

9. Any child support that you or your children get from the absent parent while you get TANF or PaS must be sent to the Department. ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by kriket
nak

if the father is involved in the babies life you don't have to go after CS. bottom line, if you want state aid the state wants both parents to be financially involved in raising the child.

don't stress, the made me sign the form too and i am married to my son's father some of those forms are a little silly.
The father wants to be involved as much as possible, and is willing to put his name on the birth certificate. I was hoping to get state aid to try and take some of the financial worry off of him, but I haven't figured out how to make it work in our favor.

- Born 7/21/09
serenekitten is offline  
#5 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 02:04 PM
 
dachshundqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SoCal Dreaming
Posts: 2,038
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Look at it from the taxpayer's perspective, there is a father involved who could pay something probably instead of the taxpayers paying the full/partial burden, so why shouldn't he?

I'm not saying you need to sue him for child support, just that you probably shouldn't lie on an application. The father will hopefully want to support the two of you in some way financially. Child support is usually means tested, so it would more than likely be a smaller sum.

I hope that you are able to straighten out your living situation soon, it sounds very stressful.

Liz

Wife, and mother to a small fairy, a demolition expert, a special new someone this fall and a small dachshund.
dachshundqueen is offline  
#6 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 02:09 PM
 
myra_mcgray's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You won't get CS the state will to suplement your tanf payments. if you don't want this to happen you have to not get tanf. sorry

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
myra_mcgray is offline  
#7 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
serenekitten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dachshundqueen View Post
Look at it from the taxpayer's perspective, there is a father involved who could pay something probably instead of the taxpayers paying the full/partial burden, so why shouldn't he?
I see your point -- I hadn't thought of it that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by myra_mcgray View Post
You won't get CS the state will to suplement your tanf payments. if you don't want this to happen you have to not get tanf. sorry
Yeah, that's the conclusion I was coming to. :\ Thanks.

- Born 7/21/09
serenekitten is offline  
#8 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 06:11 PM
 
Raene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,969
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was in quite a different situation, but with DD1, I left the father's name off the birth certificate and said I didn't know who he was (he was an abusive guy so I didn't want him to ever have custody). They leave it at that...they can't track down someone when they don't know who they're looking for.

Maybe telling them you don't know the father would be helpful?

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
Raene is offline  
#9 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 06:19 PM
 
fek&fuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: down in the hunker
Posts: 8,679
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When he decided to have a baby with you, he took on certain responsibilities, even if he didn't want them or can't afford them. Rather than have 10,000 men and women who didn't decide to have a baby with you help support your child, the one person who did should do it.

Perjuring yourself by saying you don't know who the father is is illegal.

Because you want and need help from the state, you need to comply with their guidelines to get it. And the couple should not have gotten involved in a relationship that could have resulted in a child if they didn't want the financial burden of providing for one.
fek&fuzz is offline  
#10 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 08:05 PM
 
giggleblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
I was in quite a different situation, but with DD1, I left the father's name off the birth certificate and said I didn't know who he was (he was an abusive guy so I didn't want him to ever have custody). They leave it at that...they can't track down someone when they don't know who they're looking for.

Maybe telling them you don't know the father would be helpful?
this is basically what i was trying to say, but not so directly... i was hoping you would read between the lines. there are plenty women who receive TANF benefits that have no father listed on the birth certificate. now, like i say, they will make you sign something saying that you don't know how the father is - an affidavit. i believe there are fines and penalties and perhaps jail time if you are found to not be telling the truth. not to mention it is illegal.

in this situation, you can't (legally) have your cake and eat it too.

while i see you don't want to be a burden, you are having a child who needs to be taken care of and i agree with fek&fuzz - it is primarily his parent's responsibility to do so. if they can't do so, that is when financial assistance is offered by the state once the state has been truthfully informed regarding the situation. while you may not want child support, i'm sure your baby needs it.

giggle - mommy to GP born 3.16.09 and parter to liberty (GP's mama). hoping to have 2 under 2 in the very near future via DP's ute!
giggleblue is offline  
#11 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 08:14 PM
 
vbactivist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
When he decided to have a baby with you, he took on certain responsibilities, even if he didn't want them or can't afford them. Rather than have 10,000 men and women who didn't decide to have a baby with you help support your child, the one person who did should do it.

Perjuring yourself by saying you don't know who the father is is illegal.

Because you want and need help from the state, you need to comply with their guidelines to get it. And the couple should not have gotten involved in a relationship that could have resulted in a child if they didn't want the financial burden of providing for one.
:
vbactivist is offline  
#12 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 09:11 PM
 
FtMPapa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Homesick Canuck in Western MA.
Posts: 2,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE=fek&fuzz;13811398] Rather than have 10,000 men and women who didn't decide to have a baby with you help support your child, the one person who did should do it.
[QUOTE]

(Not picking on you personally, Fek & Fuzz) but this is SUCH an American way to think!

In other industrialized countries, there is this (crazy) idea that the state bears a responsibility to its citizens, that we each look after one another.

I propose an alternate way to have your cake and eat it to - get your partner to sign a donor agreement. Leave him off the birth certificate, and tell the state that the father was a sperm donor.

End of story. When the kiddo is born, if he signs his rights away, the child is no longer his responsibility.

Can the state go after him? Maybe. But you could all fight it.

I see that the state is getting its cake and eating it too - the state gets to say "No, you three can't get married and/or share the benefits of your union three ways and with the baby" but the state will go after him for child support.

You should NOT feel guilty about taking TANF funds to support your baby! The state/the gov't/the entire US should feel horrified at the way our tax dollars support the war.

I'm just sayin'. (I don't know if this is true - but I've heard that if you get a child support order from the state, most of the money gets used up in administrative B-S. So, your BF might pay $200 and you actually get $50, but like I said, I don't know how true that is.)

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
FtMPapa is offline  
#13 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 09:27 PM
 
fek&fuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: down in the hunker
Posts: 8,679
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
According to the regs posted, the child is not denied support if a person perjures herself on the application and says she doesn't know who the father is. They just won't provide any assistance for the mother.

I'm not against a baby getting the aid it needs. I am against people committing perjury to obtain government benefits for themselves because they don't want to inconvenience the father. And I'm against a parent who has a full time job (or any job) not contributing in a formal fashion to the expense of feeding, clothing and providing medical care for his or her child.

According to the Maine TANF website:
Verification and Compliance Policies and Procedures

The state and federal verification and compliance polices and procedures which apply to benefits are:

Quote:
* A signed affidavit from the parent that states: “I certify under penalty of perjury that my answers….are correct and complete for all persons applying for benefits.”
* Verification of the parent’s or applicant’s income, employer, assets, household/family composition, child care provider, residency, citizenship, disability, unearned income, paternity and more;
* Compliance with the service contract by verifying hours of activity;
* Parents and recipients of benefits must report a change in household circumstances within 10 days of a change;
* Data matches with multiple agencies, both state and federal, are completed monthly by DHHS to assure compliance; and
* Inconsistencies are examined to determine whether benefits will continue.
o If information cannot be verified, the parent/recipient risks the loss of benefits.
o If the information is inaccurate, the parent/recipient must repay the benefit.
o Repayment must be returned to the appropriate federal funder.
o Depending on severity, the parent/recipient may be found in program violation, disqualified from the program for a specified period of time, referred to the Department’s Fraud Investigative Unit and potentially referred to the state Attorney General for prosecution.
Sound like it's a lot more inconvenient to lie and risk getting caught, than to list the information truthfully and allow your child to receive the support he or she needs from her father.
fek&fuzz is offline  
#14 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 09:33 PM
 
spedteacher30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,028
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I believe that some states will go after donors for child support, even if there is a donor agreement. I think there was a case in New York in the last 18 months or so.

I do know that my state will not provide TANF for children conceived via anonymous donors. But, there are other benefits that are available to families in that situation: medicaid/SCHIP, section 8, food stamps, child care vouchers. Just not the cash benefits from TANF.
spedteacher30 is offline  
#15 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 10:03 PM
 
Tigerchild's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Seattle Eastside
Posts: 4,737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm going to try to be as gentle here.

But...

Either your partners need to step up, or you go and get a DNA test and let the state deal with the child support issue. It's nice that you're trying to save them "trouble", but if you all mutually decided to go for a baby or at the very least decided to take a very much increased risk for it (as in, you are all consentually "fluid bonded", as in no condoms/dental dams), then really a plan should have been in place.

You and your child need to be protected. A third coming into an established dyad is one of the least likely long term prospects in poly relationships. I have seen time and time again what is let go of first when the relationship is strained (and having a baby and finances strain even vanilla dyads, with a triad or more that only increases the strain exponentially).

Now, you can get that protection and committment by your male partner actually doing what he says he will (petition to put his name on the BC even if he's not married to you and has no plans to be), and preferably putting together an agreement for support for you in the meantime (notarized).

I don't mean to cast aspersions on your partners. But frankly, I have been a "third" (or the sparkly purple unicorn in some circles), and having been in that situation the fact that you are having to worry about this with no forthcoming and clear agreement sends HUGE red flags to me.

That being said, it can work. But honestly, in most of the FMF triads I know that are currently raising children, the M ended up divorcing the partner and marrying the pregnant one so that she could receive health benefits and legal protection for the child. Even though they continued living together before and after, and in once case they separated/divorced/remarried the other when it came time for the other female partner to get pregnant--also it was an easy way to combine all of their surnames so that all the kids/partners have a single combined one. The successful people I know may not have had planned pregnancies exactly, but by the time the pregnancy was in the 3rd trimester there was a solid plan in place.

Because there is no plan, you are living apart, and nobody has taken any action for legal protection of the child (to give your male partner the benefit of the doubt, his name can hardly be on the certificate before birth)...I'm really sorry, but I would be very very VERY concerned.

Are you all in the closet about being poly? Especially since your partners are living with parents? That's the only reasonable explanation I can see for the dragging of feet in coming up with a real plan, and that is yet another red flag.

Please be careful. I would collect information about what will be required for benefits. Then you guys all need to sit down TOGETHER and figure out what you are going to do. Make time for it. This should have been done a long time ago, but it sounds like you all have been under outside stress for a long time (esp. with the foreclosure). It might also be a really good idea to see if there is a poly friendly counselor you can all sit down and who can facilitate making a plan. Loving More used to have a directory for different states, not sure if they do now, but poking around online would be a good start.

If you guys are wanting to be a family, you're going to have to fight to keep a close and good relationship with the separation and other external stresses plus new baby.

Good luck, I hope things work out for all of you. I just worry when it seems like there is some reluctance/negligence in caring for a pregnant partner. I hope it's a misread on my part or unintentional on theirs (it sounds like they've got a lot of things going on, so if that's the case it should be easy to get their attention and carve out some time/thoughts/plans.)
Tigerchild is offline  
#16 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 10:16 PM
 
Kirsten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Washington state
Posts: 5,362
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dachshundqueen View Post
Look at it from the taxpayer's perspective, there is a father involved who could pay something probably instead of the taxpayers paying the full/partial burden, so why shouldn't he?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
When he decided to have a baby with you, he took on certain responsibilities, even if he didn't want them or can't afford them. Rather than have 10,000 men and women who didn't decide to have a baby with you help support your child, the one person who did should do it.

Perjuring yourself by saying you don't know who the father is is illegal.
I agree with both of those quotes. The father (partner/couple) is financially responsible for half of your child's needs. I disagree on money spent on the war too (as someone mentioned) but I don't understand "I don't WANT child support" - you clearly do, just not from him. Giving him a pass to be nice - but taking money from the state? Not cool.
Kirsten is offline  
#17 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 10:20 PM
 
kriket's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SW Ohio
Posts: 4,609
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by spedteacher30 View Post
But, there are other benefits that are available to families in that situation: medicaid/SCHIP, section 8, food stamps, child care vouchers. Just not the cash benefits from TANF.
imo. TANF is horrible. no one needs money, they need rent, food, HC etc. I think giving people cash is a bad idea.

if i was in your spot i would look into WIC, food stamps, medicare (aid? I can ever remember) don't mess with the TANIF

how does his wife feel about the baby? are you 3 co-parenting or just you and he? if you could move in w/ them i bet you would a three be better off! Having a 'third parent'? what a lucky lovie!

nak

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
Mama to Sprout jog.gif 4.09 and Bruises babyboy.gif 7.11 handfasted to superhero.gif 9.07

kriket is offline  
#18 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 10:31 PM
 
Thisbirdwillfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 302
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenekitten View Post
...I don't want to be a burden on them, financially or otherwise. I don't feel that he'd be able to afford child support, but I don't think he'd be able to support us on our own, either...
You're pregnant, you'll give birth and you will care for the baby fulltime but you're worried about being a burden on him? It sounds like neither of you can afford a baby but the baby is coming so it's time for both of you to step up to that responsibility. You're doing your part!

Your child has rights as well. The fathers name should go on the birth certificate if for no other reason than, god forbid, something should happen to him. Your child would be entitled to benefits.

Child support is means tested, in otherwords, he'll have to pay a fix percentage of him income. You need TANF and so does the baby. Do what you need to do to get it.

Best of luck to you.
Thisbirdwillfly is offline  
#19 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 10:47 PM
 
Mary-Beth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 2,205
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Be honest.

If you need the support of that program then go ahead and do what you need to do. Either your partners and you all come together and support you and your baby or your get outside help. Let the program help you and the father contributes what he can to the program. It may not be easy on him (it isn't easy on anyone struggling financially) but it is going to take his income and ability to pay into account.
Mary-Beth is offline  
#20 of 23 Old 05-22-2009, 11:41 PM
 
MeepyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,680
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 56 Post(s)
Okay, 'nother poly mama speaking up here.

This man (and, I hope, his wife) decided to have a child with you. You, also, decided to have a child with them. That makes the bunch of you a family. Maybe, right now, you are a closeted family. It certainly sounds like you are unhappily living apart at the moment. But family.

Sitting down with your family and discussing how it is that you will support the child you are about to have is not "being a financial burden." It's simply an effort to determine what your resources are, and how best to use them. Which is something that all families have to do.

Child support awards are income-based, so if your boyfriend has limited income, the amount of support the state will try to collect from him is limited. But be careful with TANF, because if they go after him for support, you don't get what they collect. You get TANF, and they get what he can pay, even if it's more than they're giving you. If you can work out something - formal or informal - with him, that's probably better for everyone. And keep in mind: not all support is mandated cash payments. If you guys share custody, and he is the 'milk monkey' parent while you work, that's support. If you live together and each contribute the resources you have to your combined household, that's support. If he's generally broke, but gives you what money he can when he has it, that is also support.
MeepyCat is online now  
#21 of 23 Old 05-23-2009, 05:56 AM
 
MujerMamaMismo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 2,687
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
When he decided to have a baby with you, he took on certain responsibilities, even if he didn't want them or can't afford them.
Totally agree - whether the pregnancy was planned or not, the outcome of sex between a man and a woman can be pregnancy. All parties involved need to know that possibility is there - and be responsible for it... if those people fall short, the state needs to step in to provide additional support.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

MujerMamaMismo is offline  
#22 of 23 Old 05-23-2009, 11:22 AM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,186
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dachshundqueen View Post
Look at it from the taxpayer's perspective, there is a father involved who could pay something probably instead of the taxpayers paying the full/partial burden, so why shouldn't he?

I'm not saying you need to sue him for child support, just that you probably shouldn't lie on an application. The father will hopefully want to support the two of you in some way financially. Child support is usually means tested, so it would more than likely be a smaller sum.


Liz
:

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#23 of 23 Old 05-23-2009, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
serenekitten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you all for your responses. Some of you had some tough words, but they were words I needed to hear.

I haven't made any decisions yet, though I'm starting to veer away from the state aid. I'm hoping to sit down with my couple in the next week or so and go over what I've found out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FtMPapa View Post
(I don't know if this is true - but I've heard that if you get a child support order from the state, most of the money gets used up in administrative B-S. So, your BF might pay $200 and you actually get $50, but like I said, I don't know how true that is.)
Yes, this is true. I didn't realize it until I looked at some paperwork and charts from DHHS yesterday. I get a $50 "pass-through" payment, and then a certain amount after that... but if he pays more than that certain amount, the state keeps it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Because there is no plan, you are living apart, and nobody has taken any action for legal protection of the child (to give your male partner the benefit of the doubt, his name can hardly be on the certificate before birth)...I'm really sorry, but I would be very very VERY concerned.

Are you all in the closet about being poly? Especially since your partners are living with parents? That's the only reasonable explanation I can see for the dragging of feet in coming up with a real plan, and that is yet another red flag.

Please be careful. I would collect information about what will be required for benefits. Then you guys all need to sit down TOGETHER and figure out what you are going to do. Make time for it. This should have been done a long time ago, but it sounds like you all have been under outside stress for a long time (esp. with the foreclosure). It might also be a really good idea to see if there is a poly friendly counselor you can all sit down and who can facilitate making a plan. Loving More used to have a directory for different states, not sure if they do now, but poking around online would be a good start.

If you guys are wanting to be a family, you're going to have to fight to keep a close and good relationship with the separation and other external stresses plus new baby.

Good luck, I hope things work out for all of you. I just worry when it seems like there is some reluctance/negligence in caring for a pregnant partner. I hope it's a misread on my part or unintentional on theirs (it sounds like they've got a lot of things going on, so if that's the case it should be easy to get their attention and carve out some time/thoughts/plans.)
You're right -- a plan should have been in place, and a plan needs to be in place now. The dragging of feet has been all of our faults, really, but a number of outside stressors (which I won't get into) have also delayed our plan making. Time is running out, but we will be sitting down and talking things out as soon as possible. I want to reiterate that the father is willing to put his name on the birth certificate and do what he can. He even tried to get in touch with a lawyer to see what our options were, but they wouldn't talk to him -- they only wanted to talk to me.

We've had to come out to our families about being poly, which has been a literal hell for my girlfriend and I, but his parents seem to be somewhat okay with it.

I appreciate your worry. There are a lot of little details that get left out of my posts about them. It's unintentional on their part -- they are my strongest emotional supports right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kriket View Post
imo. TANF is horrible. no one needs money, they need rent, food, HC etc. I think giving people cash is a bad idea.

if i was in your spot i would look into WIC, food stamps, medicare (aid? I can ever remember) don't mess with the TANIF

how does his wife feel about the baby? are you 3 co-parenting or just you and he? if you could move in w/ them i bet you would a three be better off! Having a 'third parent'? what a lucky lovie!

nak
I'm on WIC and MaineCare (state medicaid/medicare program). I can't get food stamps because I'm not 22 and I live with my dad. I'm working to get out of my dad's apartment for multiple reasons, but the food stamps would just be an extra benefit for the baby and I. I'm becoming less impressed with the TANF program, the more I look at it.

My girlfriend is excited about the baby -- she describes seeing him at the 12 week ultrasound as one of the most amazing experiences she's ever had. Our plan from the beginning was for the three of us to co-parent (much to my family's dismay ). I would much rather let the baby have three parents than just one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
Child support awards are income-based, so if your boyfriend has limited income, the amount of support the state will try to collect from him is limited. But be careful with TANF, because if they go after him for support, you don't get what they collect. You get TANF, and they get what he can pay, even if it's more than they're giving you. If you can work out something - formal or informal - with him, that's probably better for everyone. And keep in mind: not all support is mandated cash payments. If you guys share custody, and he is the 'milk monkey' parent while you work, that's support. If you live together and each contribute the resources you have to your combined household, that's support. If he's generally broke, but gives you what money he can when he has it, that is also support.
*nods* I'm starting to better understand how the program works, as far as how much they actually collect goes vs. how much I'll get. I like your explanation about support. I'm hoping that within a year we'll be able to move in together and contribute towards the combined household.

- Born 7/21/09
serenekitten is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off