Pregnant w-donor sperm emotions - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-29-2009, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some counsel on being pregnant with anonymous donor sperm, please. I am feeling scared right in this moment. I feel like being pregnant for the very first time at all is a bit overwhelming anyway. But I am having a challenge right now dealing with the issue of being pregnant with the sperm of someone I don't even know.
Can anyone relate to this having done it? Did anyone else feel scared about this part of things, foreign, odd, unsure? Did it work out okay? How is it when you meet your baby for the first time? This forum is the most concentrated area of people I can find who have done this, though of course for different reasons than mine. But I really need some counsel on making peace with this aspect. I am feeling weird about this aspect. Thanks so much- any reassuring stories, feelings of being able to relate, how one dealt with this- so appreciated. I am quite vulnerable right now.
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Old 06-29-2009, 05:29 PM
 
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I did not go through the exact same emotions as you are describing, but I did feel like it was different than other people I've known... Are you a single mother, or do you have a spouse/partner?
I think for me it was more that I didn't feel the strong bond with my baby that I thought I would feel from the moment I knew I was pregnant.. It was not until I felt him move that I really felt a connection with him... THat bothered me a lot, but once I got past it, I loved being pregnant.
I hope things get better for you - feel free to pm me if you want to vent more...

Erika, mama to Sawyer 6/04 joy.gifand Gracie 7/10energy.gif  :, dw Amy:

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Old 06-29-2009, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank You Moonmama! I have a partner- a man- and he has azoospermia. He is 100% with me the whole way and I love him madly.
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Old 06-29-2009, 05:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I always get so embarrassed after I post these fear based threads for all to see. But these feelings are so weird. Now I want to delete my post like I often do! I am so grateful to be pregnant. I am just weirding out a bit on it all sometimes.
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Old 06-29-2009, 06:25 PM
 
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Katie34, please don't be embarrassed.

I actually am concerned that I'm going to have "weirded out" feelings, too. We are using a known donor, but because DP is not going to be the biological parent, and someone whom I have completely platonic feelings for is, I'm worried that I'm going to feel different than if I conceive a child that is biologically both mine and of the person I love very dearly.

I have no experiences to share or advice to offer, but I'll bet that these feelings are very normal... it's good that we have this community to air out concerns like this, otherwise people IRL would think we're all a little cuckoo. I know I haven't been sharing w/ anyone IRL many, if at all, my TTC worries/woes (including the more innocuous POS addiction).

Hang in there.

Part hippie-chick, part type-A career woman, all mama. Enjoying life as a wife to my partner of 11 years, and a mama to our smarty-pants toddler, Cadence.

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Old 06-29-2009, 06:39 PM
 
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Pregnancy can make you feel this way. All of your hormones are whoopey and you start to realize your life will never be the same. It's a good thing. :
I remember being worried about the donor before I was pregnant, but then once I was I was so excited. I am a "meant to be" type of person. We used an AD and have the most beautiful, amazing son. He looks like me for the most part, but then there are times when I look at him or he shows a talent or side of his personality and I KNOW where that came from, I just don't know WHO it came from. I am so grateful to the man who helped create this little boy.
For me, it helped to name ds before he was born. That allowed us to talk about this little person in an intimate way even though we hadn't yet met him. We were able to talk to him and about him ( he was, and still is, feisty!) and so when he was born it was great to finally meet him, already feeling such a strong connection. And honestly, nursing him helped connect us so much. This was without a doubt MY baby and all he needed was the loving family waiting for him for so long.
Our ds has certain characteristics of our AD, for example the kid LOVES italian food. I smile when I see him happy with a huge plate of chix parm and pasta. Every day we love him more and so enjoy being a part of who he is, and feel so blessed to be his parents.
Faith or fear? Your baby will be all your's and his Daddy's. Enjoy your pregnancy. It is such a special, amazing time and your well-being is so important. And don't feel bad about feeling unsure- we've all been there with those hormones!
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Old 06-29-2009, 11:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Feeling much better now- thanks for the responses, they really helped!
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Old 06-30-2009, 12:58 AM
 
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I didn't really think about it much until just before our twins were born. I did start to wonder A LOT about what they would look like. We hadn't had a photo of our donor or anything. But once they came out, everyone just said they looked like me (who else could they look like?)! And they were so their own people, that genetics really didn't come into play much. I remember wondering about the donor's mother, and how she would feel if she knew about the existence of our babies. But I didn't think much about the donor himself. Then, when the twins were 5 months old, we got a baby photo of the donor for the first time. It really struck me then--because I could see the resemblance, without a doubt--that there was a stranger out there somewhere who was just as genetically linked to my babies as I was. My wife did feel a bit threatened about the idea of the donor at first (adamantly opposed to the idea of contacting him), but that gradually lessened and ultimately disappeared once she felt secure in her role. These days, with four kids from the same donor, I can honestly say that it never comes up for me, mentally. I do talk about the donor with the kids, just because I want us to be very open and honest with them, but I never really think about him beyond that. Our fourth baby looks way more like my wife than like any of our boys (who still all seem to look like me), so maybe our donor's genes are just really subtle?

It is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling right now, and I assure you that one day you won't think about it at all. Your baby will just be your baby, and his/her biology likely won't be at the forefront of your mind.

Congrats on your pregnancy, by the way!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 5, 6, 8, 9, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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Old 06-30-2009, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Lex and congratulations on your beautiful new baby!

Here is another thing I am wondering:

Do babies born from frozen donor insemination have a higher likelihood of being boys?!
Because I have heard of the theory in which people can try to get a certain gender (is it Shettles method maybe?) because supposedly the sperm that yield boys swim faster than the girl yielders. so to get a boy one should have sex (or inseminate) as close to Ovulation as possible, and to get a girl one should have sex a couple of days prior to Ovulation so the fast boy sperm die off and the girl ones get there.

I have no idea if this is true, but I guess frozen donor insemination could be a place to test this theory. Because as we know- we have to get the sperm in there as close to ovulation as possible.

So does anyone here have a girl from frozen donor insemination? And if so do you happen to remember your insem timing? I am just curious about this. Whoever wants to answer- did you get a boy or a girl?
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Old 06-30-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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Hey Katie,

Really briefly, I'm on a deadline for something else-

First, . Pregnancy makes you feel crazy! This is totally normal, as is the fear.

I used frozen donor sperm, and I have a little girl. She is really, truly, perfect.

Yeah, the donor thing was weird during my pregnancy. Sometimes I felt resentful that there was someone else's genetic material involved, that I had needed to put a piece of this stranger inside of me (literally!) in order to have a baby.

Once she was here though, I don't know, I just never really thought about the donor. He ceased to seem "real." I mean, I know he exists, and someday, if she wants to, my DD can contact him, but it all feels really removed now. My DP and I are so clearly her parents.

And what's funny is this- when she was first born, she looked exactly like a wrinkled up little me. But now, ten months on, she still looks like me sometimes, and other times she looks LIKE MY DP! It's so funny. And no, we didn't try to do donor matching or anything like that. It just happened.

So I guess what I'm saying is, feel whatever you feel right now. It's all normal and okay. But I'm 99% sure that by the time your baby is here, you're just not going to worry about it anymore.

And again, congrats!

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

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(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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Old 06-30-2009, 01:10 PM
 
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It used to be the case that most babies--80% I believe--born from frozen sperm insemination were boys. But, apparently, this is not true anymore. I think it's much closer to 50/50 these days, and I'm not sure what the reasons for that are (improved sperm freezing technique?). I do know several families who have girls as result of frozen donor sperm insemination; at least as many girl babies as boy babies.

In our case, we obviously are really good at making boy babies . People will sometimes comment on how they've heard that donor-conceived babies are often boys when they see us with our gaggle (even before the new one arrived!). But we've connected with several other families who used our same exact frozen sperm donor, and of the 29 babies who we now know about (including our own), 15 of them are boys, and 14 are girls (Leo's birth just tipped the scales slightly towards the boy side).

I really don't think timing comes into play with frozen sperm.

We do also have some friends, who have two girls conceived with the same donor, and all of the donor sibling families they've found also have all girls. So they theorize that their donor only makes girl sperm.

So, you'll just have to wait and see what flavor of baby you've got growing inside you!



Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 5, 6, 8, 9, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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Old 07-01-2009, 03:20 AM
 
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Hello, & congrats on your pg!
Pg is SUCH a crazy time, so your feelings are normal. I wondered a lot about the donor during my pg, & sometimes felt weird that I was carrying a child who is, genetically, 1/2 of some anonymous man.
But, ever since she arrived, she was OURS. Sure, dd has a lot of my characteristics, but there are many traits I KNOW didn't come from me, so they have to be courtesy of the donor (to whom I am eternally grateful). Her features are mine, but her skin & hair coloring, natural grace & athleticsm, are clearly NOT. The funny thing is, people have always assumed that dp is the bio mom! And, no, we didn't do any kind of matching!
The only times I have truly felt like dd was a little bit different is when the father issue comes up. At almost 4, dd knows she doesn't have a dad & that families are constructed differently, but I know she wonders. At least we used an identity release donor. Anyway, it also helps that we've connected w/a family in another state who used the same donor. Their little boy is younger than our dd, but they do look very similar. At any rate, it seems like you won't have the father worries ... but rest assured that your little babe will show you that he/she is his/her own person the minute they're born!
So, no worries! Once your babe comes out, you'll forget about a lot of the fears you harbored during pg!

Proud WOHM veggie mom to Alina 7/29/05 & partner, Jackie, since 2001, m/c 1/2009
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