thank you for your post, Lyn.
I have to agree with you, that I think that this is more about juggling the role of mother than it is about the actual nursing issues. I think that I did not realize that as much until yesterday when I tried to talk to my wife about how I felt. It is hard sometimes to build a two mom family...and I never really felt any unrest about that or any different from anyone else, until this arose and I felt threatened...but its true, that we are both women and we both have these body parts that do things that heterosexual couples just don't have. My wife and I talked last night - the discussion did not start out very well, and we both got a bit hurt and I cried (me at work, and her sitting in her sister's living room full of people, perfect timing for the conversation, I know) but we walked away not mad at each other, just both a little hurt by the other's insensitivity to our own feelings. She feels like she has sacrificed so much to let me carry the babies and even though she does not want to carry them, she still feels like she could have technically, so she did give up that opportunity and beacuse of that, I should automatically support her, without question. Her issue and why she is angry that I am not on board with her - is that I am not automatically thinking like she is. She doesn't understand my perspective at all, and feels like that is just a stupid way of thinking so she doesn't understand how I feel... I told her how I felt and I told her that she was being very hurtful to me by being so angry and invective about it, rather than letting me find some peace with this, and helping me be reassured and such, but the fact that I need to be reassured and need time was what was making her angry...she just feels like because she has given me so much in terms of how our children are brought into this world, I just owe her in a way...and I should not even think twice when she asks for this because she has never asked for anything. It ended up with me asking her to be more respectful and that I was trying - really trying to get through this - and be there on her side, but she can't expect it overnight. I think we both felt much better after we talked.
Breastmilk and breastfeeding is very important to her and that is what we both want for our kids. Since that was not something I could achieve, she wants to provide that for our twins as much as she can. She feels like she has these breasts that we might as well try to see if they can benefit them. Neither of us feel comfortable with her actually nursing them, so that is why she wants to pump. She knows that she may not have enough to give both babies all BM but she wants to give them as much as she can. I told her that I wanted to try harder to maybe even take the domperidone too, which I never did before. I think that I need to just think of this as getting our babies' nutrition from a different source. They will still get her milk from a bottle, and if anyone is able to actually nurse, it will be me, but because I am having trouble defining that role of mother - meaning the carrier makes the milk, and thats it... I felt like it was the same thing as her trying to actually nurse them. And once we talked a bit last night I started to see that it really the two fold issue. 1) I am thinking in a more closed-minded way of carrier makes milk only - and 2) she is not going to be nursing them or trying to take away my role or take them away from me, she is just helping provide them with better nutrition. I think that I am starting to find some comfort in that...and sometimes, that is the hardest part of any issue, that you have to break it down and look at it in pieces in order to understand what is causing the feelings you are having.
Now, while I was able to successfully fetter out those simple aspects...I don't feel 100% okay on the issue yet, but I am not feeling sick over it anymore - and I think that I am going to just continue to improve how it all feels beacuse I know that these are our kids, no matter what they are drinking.... and that I am still part of them as she is.
We went for an ultrasound last night to see if they could tell genders yet, and they could not, but it was so good to see them jumping around in there...made me feel so much better and re-bonded and excited and in love with them. I think these last few days just threw me off so much and I was so emotional and hormonal - that I could not see the forest before the trees, or however that colloquialism goes! lol.
I really want to say to everyone that I am so grateful for your support and talking to me, I really do not think that I could have come to this place, the beggining of getting through this, without your help. It really helped me, and I am very grateful that I had a place and people to discuss this with!
Now, I have another question - part of my issue with the reality of her pumping, is that we would have to tell my family....a fairly conservative-minded, Jewish family of older people, who are really not going to understand this. I am concerned about lectures, ridicule, and the like. Have you all had any issues with your families being supportive of dual breastfeeding or pumping?