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#1 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 08:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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Wow, that's big. But first, congratulations! I didn't know your baby was born! I'm so happy for you guys!

My bank doesn't do adult photos, so I've never seen one of our donor. So, I don't know exactly what you're going through. But I do know that if it were an option, I'd totally want to see, and then probably feel exactly the way you do.

I'm sure others will chime in with more thoughts/advice. I guess mainly what I would say is put it away for awhile and try to not think about it. The more your DS grows, the more he'll look like (and be!) HIMSELF, and you won't look at him and see traces of a person you've never met. And someday, he may be glad to have the photo.

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#3 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#4 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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Sorry, I am crashing...I know it has to be different when it is somebody else's genetics that are brought into the mix, but just have to say that I am "underwhelmed" by my own genetics (and regularly worry about whether DD will have my nose, my chin, etc.) as well as aspects of DH's , but when I look at DD, all I see today is my beautiful daughter...

And I peeked at your DS's photos and have to say that he is adorable!

Apparently doing it rong and ruining it for everyone, but I don't give a crap anymorebanana.gif

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#5 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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Katie, he's so amazingly beautiful! Congrats!

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#6 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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Just remember: attractive people often come from not-so-attractive parents.

No matter what, your son is beautiful!

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#7 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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Just remember: attractive people often come from not-so-attractive parents.
This fo sho

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#8 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 02:46 PM
 
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I am sure that you are in love with your baby and can't imagine any other baby as yours. And that you got the EXACT right baby for you and for your family. Think of it this way: if you had seen the pic before, you might have decided against this donor, and you might have gotten the wrong baby!! Thank goodness you didn't see it and it all turned out right

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#9 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am sure that you are in love with your baby and can't imagine any other baby as yours. And that you got the EXACT right baby for you and for your family. Think of it this way: if you had seen the pic before, you might have decided against this donor, and you might have gotten the wrong baby!! Thank goodness you didn't see it and it all turned out right
Very true~
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#10 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#11 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 09:08 PM
 
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we had something similar happen. When I was pregnant with M, we bought the audio interview, and the donor was asked the question, "who do you admire?" and his answer was "George W. Bush."

We sat and listened in shocked horror, just stunned and speechless.

As we listened to more, we realized that the timing of the interview was such that it was done in DC within weeks of 9/11, and that many people probably would have said that back in late 2001, early 2002.

But, seriously? george bush? What are the chances that we found an actual Black republican AND chose him as our donor??
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#12 of 25 Old 04-15-2010, 09:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#13 of 25 Old 04-16-2010, 07:33 AM
 
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our donor didn't have any photos available and we're actually quite happy about that. friends of ours who also used donor sperm did get photos - baby and adult - and when their daughter started asking about a "daddy" to our horror they showed her the adult photo and told her this was her "daddy". (!!)

katie, your teo is adorable!!

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#14 of 25 Old 04-16-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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But, seriously? george bush? What are the chances that we found an actual Black republican AND chose him as our donor??
I'm sure that this was really upsetting at the time, but I have to tell you that you just made me laugh out loud.

Katie, good call! I think you did the right thing. If you son ever wants the pics, he can get them then. No need to keep them around. Yay for happy loved cute babies!

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

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(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#15 of 25 Old 04-16-2010, 01:47 PM
 
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Photos would make me feel weird. And this is coming from a mama who has an egg donor and sperm donor involved. The egg donor is a good friend, so we know what she looks like, but I wouldn't want to know what the anonymous sperm donor looks like. I think I would react EXACTLY the same as you, Katie34, and I think I'd get rid of the pics too.

dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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#16 of 25 Old 04-16-2010, 07:19 PM
 
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We used a known donor who is also a close friend and I too am underwhelmed by my DS's genetics. Most of it though, I think, is the anxiety around having these genes that don't belong to you or your DP - that's what it is for me. And really, it only freaks me out when I spend too much time overthinking it. Genetics are not the important thing in the way we love and raise our kids. 2 seconds watching your DH and my DP with our beautiful children is testimony to that!

Congrats on your happy new addition. He is beautiful!

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#17 of 25 Old 04-17-2010, 01:26 AM
 
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I am really surprised by a lot of the sentiment in this thread. Those genetics that are underwhelming or not interesting to you... actually belong to your children. And they have a right to that information.

Now, I really hope to raise our children so that they feel so fulfilled by our family that they don't need to explore the donor side of their genetics... BUT I want to be as prepared as possible if that turns out to be something important to them.

And I too have insecurities as the non bio mom about the donor and his genetics. Our donor has a photo span available for purchase that I haven't gotten yet because I will fully admit I am intimidated by it. We have an adult and childhood photo of our donor, but worry if I see additional pics of him as a baby, that I will then see the donor in our DS where now all I see is my DS. But that is MY hangup and really I need to put on my big girl panties and get the photo span because if our children want to see the pics later then I want them to have that available.

And if you don't think that this is important to donor conceived children, just read the yahoo group for the Donor Sibling Registry. There is some really tough reading on there about Donor Conceived adults that are very bitter about having NO information about their donors, their genetics... because adults with insecurities decided to squash that information 20 yrs ago.

I would strongly encourage you to get that picture out of the trash. Seal it in an envelope somewhere and save it for your son should he ever be curious about that part of him. Maybe you are underwhelmed, but maybe your son will enjoy seeing parts of himself reflected back in that picture.

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#18 of 25 Old 04-17-2010, 01:37 AM
 
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Just thinking of some truly goofy pictures of my spouse and me that I've seen, also keep in mind that a lot of what makes people look less attractive in pics is stuff that isn't actually genetic--bad haircut, bad hair color, giant glasses, clothes/jewelry not used to minimize less than ideal features and play up good ones; and they're often set in an era and/or in a state with different cultural references.

(Like I guarantee that I think my DH is plenty attractive, but I've seen pictures of him, a mere two years before I met him, that could be "worrying" as you describe. His style changed for the better in those 2 years, and better suited his body and facial structure.)

Anyway, there are no guarantees with kids no matter who plays a genetic role IMO, and your baby is super cute, so don't worry about it!

Happy with my DH, 2 kids, dog, fish, and frogs
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#19 of 25 Old 04-17-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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I have to agree with Smartycat. That is the exact same logic behind our getting an ID disclosure donor - because hopefully DS will be happy and fullfilled within our family, but if he feels that there is a part of him that needs to meet his donor then that's his decision, not ours. And in the meantime, if he wants to read the donor profile, or see pictures of the donor then that's his decision, and those are his pictures. We're just holding onto them for him.

We actually did get additional information after DS was born. Xytex gives parents the long version of the donor profile when the baby is born, so we got a child photo, an adult photo, a paragraph or so written by the donor to any prospective children, and some additional physical descriptions (now we know where those incredibly long eyelashes come from!). I don't really have any advice to give about dealing with it emotionally, because we were actually really happy with all the additional information. All I can say is that everything I've heard from donor children and adopted children says that this information might be something your child is desperate to know at some point in the future, so keep it even if it makes you uncomfortable.

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#20 of 25 Old 04-17-2010, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We used a known donor who is also a close friend and I too am underwhelmed by my DS's genetics. Most of it though, I think, is the anxiety around having these genes that don't belong to you or your DP - that's what it is for me. And really, it only freaks me out when I spend too much time overthinking it
Yes,I think this is what it is for me.
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#21 of 25 Old 04-18-2010, 08:28 PM
 
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I understand how you feel, I got a hold of an adult pic of my dd's donor and I was really underwhelmed and was thinking umm.. yeah, NO WAY IN HADES would I EVER pick this man! Totally unattractive and the smile on his face just sorta gave me the creeps. That said, dd totally got his looks and personality (his personality was why I picked him) and I love every bit of her so even though I found her donor less then aesthetically pleasing I am very happy with the child I got

Seriously?
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#22 of 25 Old 04-19-2010, 11:47 AM
 
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i have to agree with smartycat on this subject. for me, i want to offer my child as much information about half of his genetics as i can. i wish i could obtain an adult photo of the donor to have available for our son. the baby pic was all that was available unfortunately.

i do not believe that if he wants to know that information then we have not fulfilled his needs within our family. i am not at this time intimidated by the thought that he might want to look for information about his genetics.

Me, DW , and DS born 7/6/10
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#23 of 25 Old 04-20-2010, 10:34 PM
 
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i do not believe that if he wants to know that information then we have not fulfilled his needs within our family. i am not at this time intimidated by the thought that he might want to look for information about his genetics.
I'm with you on this one jjnoho (and smartycat), but that's after parenting for several years. Katie, isn't your baby quite young? I wasn't at all comfortable with the idea of people outside our immediate family connected to my daughter when she was just a baby. I felt like I *should* be, but in reality I wasn't, and it didn't help to try to pretend I was. And I can totally understand finding the picture overwhelming.

But you might not feel the same about it down the line. And as others have said, there's no way to know how your child will feel.

I'm Lyn (32) wife to Gail (38) Mama to Leigh (born 6/06 ,via Gail) and Ira (born 5/09, via me)
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#24 of 25 Old 04-27-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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I agree with PP. Our girls, and now this new baby, will be genetically unrelated to both myself and DP - we used both anonymous egg and sperm donors. I accumulated as much information about all of our donors as was available, as I was a child of a closed adoption and have essentially NO information about my own genetic past. It sucks to not have those roots. My girls have been posted on the Donor Siblings site for the past 3 years (no luck, though). Collecting these items, whether it's a photograph or the donor's favorite kind of music, may be of great significance to your child down the road even though they may be distasteful to or uncomfortable for you right now. It is their history, we owe it to them to give them everything we can. Without these very significant people (donors) I would be childless right now.

Sorry, stepping down from my box now, but I've been on both sides and therefore my opinions are very strong about this subject.

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#25 of 25 Old 05-07-2010, 11:53 PM
 
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Our DD was born 10 months ago to my DW and donor sperm. We specifically chose identity release sperm and with someone who had both child and adult photos available. I specifically chose an adult photo because I think it would be hard for our DD and us to show her a picture of a 2 year old and tell her that is the man that helped us out to create her. I think she will find that confusing. I do have to admit that I/we did turn down potential donors because of how they looked in their adult photo. One guy I didn't like his smile, the other guy it was his nose, etc.

We fully plan on telling our DD she is the product of donor sperm. Slowly, starting on her first birthday by giving thanks to him for donating and making it possible for us to create her. We also fully plan on making her a little scrap book with his info and photos in it and letting her have it when she is older. I will begin telling her about his interests and likes and what he looks like when she is between 5-10 (depending on her). I really hope that she wants to know something about 50% of her genetics. I hope she is curious. And I hope that by telling her stuff and making her feel proud and thankful for his donation that it will create an acceptance in her and not a longing for a relationship that she can't have.

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