A place for DP's. - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-23-2010, 10:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I'm not getting knocked up this go around but i am SUPER excited for DP and to experience all of this with her!

I thought it would be nice to have a place for DP's to come, sit, chat it up, make friends, etc.

I'm not really all that sure what to post for my first posting, so I'll leave the board open to whatever comes up!

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 04-23-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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Thank you for starting this thread. I have been wanting to communicate with other non-bio moms. A few weeks ago, after some discussions my DP had with her contacts on this site, I started a thread on a different site, but it did not really take off, (plus that site was kinda lame) and it left me feeling very discouraged, because I am fairly new to all of this message board stuff.
My DP is an avid member, and she seems to benefit a lot from the friendship and support, so I think it may really be beneficial for me as well.

It is difficult to find people who can relate to navigating the emotions of being a non-bio mom. While I have always wanted children, I have never had a strong desire to actually carry or give birth. Ellen DeGeneres does a joke on the subject something to the effect of "I may want a new washing machine, that doesn't mean I want to give birth to it" which always cracks me up. (Of course her lead up and delivery of the joke makes all the difference.) While my mom is supportive of my and DP's decision to have children, she is not shy about making it clear that she wants me to carry the next one.

It will be great to have a place to vent and discuss with people who can see things from my perspective and offer me new perspectives too! I am eager to get to know all you non-carrying DPs out there

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

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Old 04-24-2010, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I too am very eager to meet everyone on here, lets just hope they come, or we can be the two lone rangers!

I'm not so new to the message boards, I used to go on one once or twice a week about my favorite band, so I have a bit of experience there. My DP and I are waiting to test, I'm going out of town tomorrow night, just up to columbus, and then she works nights, so it'll be wednesday in the am when we test! She seems to be experiencing all of the symptoms, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up and I know she's not too.

She has two kids of her own, they are darling and I love them to death. This one will be her third and my first! I'm really excited to experience this. My parents just keep telling me they are too young to be call grandma and grandpa but other than that I think they are great with all of this.

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 04-25-2010, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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if anyone else wants to join the conversation, they are MORE than welcome to!

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 04-25-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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This board is going to begin to read like a tennis match soon, LOL

So, after we got our first BFP about two a half weeks ago, and then our first ultrasound revealed nothing, we went on this past Friday to make sure there was still nothing to be optimistic about going on in there, and pretty much to make sure that DPs HCG level was dropping properly. So in our best case scenario at this point, it would seem that her numbers are dropping normally and her body will deal naturally with the miscarriage as opposed to needing a chemical nudge. This at least means that we can start trying again sooner than if they had needed to give her an injection to force things along. While it's been a somber weekend, we are trying to believe all the cliches about it not being our time, and how things happen for a reason, and our turn will come,

So what is the favorite band you participated in the board for? I assume by your phrasing of "i'm not getting knocked up this round" that perhaps you are carrying in the next round? I am hoping for your BFP on Wednesday morning...the fact that it's hump day could be a plus. I can understand not wanting to get your hopes up. Even after we got the BFP I was still afraid to get my hopes up or believe it entirely because it was so early, and I am actually glad that I was a bit emotionally guarded about it. We really only told our parents, and I am really relieved now that I didn't start telling a bunch of people.

Anyways, enjoy your trip out of town!

AND REALLY, ALL YOU PEOPLE READING THIS...JUMP RIGHT IN

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

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Old 04-25-2010, 08:20 PM
 
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I'm a non-bio mom here, too!

Thanks for starting this thread. Full disclosure, though -- I've been around here a while, as we have a 7yo DS, and DW is pregnant, so I'm no longer (after three years of trying!) on the TTC rollercoaster. I can, however, speak to that experience and am always eager to hear from other non-bio parents.

Thanks for starting this thread!

Mommy to an amazing 8 year old, wife to an inspiring principal, and welcoming Wylie Grace! Our July 4th babe!
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Old 04-26-2010, 10:13 AM
 
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I'm not a non-bio mom yet, but I've been reading on here! Next go-round, that's the plan.

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Old 04-26-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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Seraf.....Thanks for popping in with a post! I have been lurking over at the April Queer Conceptions board, as my DP had been threadkeeping before you so kindly took over for her. Thanks for that, she needed a break.....It's ironic, because she had been spending quite a bit of time on the boards and it seemed to really help her. But since we found out about the miscarriage, she has hardly been interested, and now I am the one who is all up in it. I only wish I knew better what it felt like physically so I could help her through it better.

Megincl......I am certain you have lots of helpful perspective to offer as the conversation progresses. July is just around the corner.....how exciting!!

I have been curious......how many couples out there include a DP who does not intend to carry at all, as opposed to couples that are composed of partners who both have/want to carry?

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

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Old 04-26-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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Hi!
I'm the DP (mommy-to-be) of a currently pregnant mama-to-be! We're due in August and loving every minute of it!
Currently overly busy trying to finish up the last few weeks of grad school, but very interested in DPs!

K, H, and baby E (who is now three!!!)
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Old 04-26-2010, 05:34 PM
 
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Hi there!

I've been on the boards a while as well; DP has registered, but never posted or even lurked. The only time she feels like going online is at work, and her browser isn't capable of using this site for some reason.

We have one 7yo kiddo that I gave birth to before we got together, and now she's 12 weeks preggers. Family on both sides have been nice about it, but not necessarily supportive. As of the beginning of the month, my extended family isn't even speaking to us (except my sister that lives in our house) because they disagree with us supporting our gender variant child in her decisions. So nothing to do with the pregnancy really, but it doesn't feel good at all.

Anyway, we have plans for me to carry the next one, and if Sonja decides she likes the idea of pregnancy and birth, we just may have one more after that.

I'm a queer, poly, pagan, (dis)abled, crazy, crunchy, intersectionally-minded feminist. fsonj & I are mamas to our unschooled/freeschooled 12yo & 3yo!  (Ask me about co-breastfeeding, supplementing at the breast, inducing lactation, eating placentas, undisturbed birth, and parenting a genderqueer child with Aspergers!)
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Old 04-26-2010, 06:13 PM
 
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I'm both non-bio and a bio-mom, but my wife carried our first, so my first and most formative experience of pregnancy and parenting was as a non-bio-mom. I love it when these threads pop up. There aren't enough of us talking about what this is like, even in the queer community.

We got pregnant pretty quickly with our first, so I don't have much to offer on the TTC front, but I remember very vividly how alone I felt while we were expecting our first (not all expecting non-bio-moms do, but I did). Especially as pregnancy progressed, I felt expendable and invisible, even as I was thrilled things were going well and pleased as punch that my wife was enjoying the pregnancy so much. But it was hard. There was really no one to talk to about it except my wife. Thankfully she didn't dismiss my worries, and really engaged with them. We eventually realized it wasn't just my job to figure out my "role" as a non-bio-mom, but actually *our* job to figure out how to have two moms in one family. It meant a lot that she took that on as her own, and didn't leave me to figure it out alone.

Two things that helped a ton:

1) The baby being born. It might sound obvious, but things got better fast once there was an actual baby to take care of, and not just too much time on my hands to worry and wonder how it would be.

2) Taking leave! I cannot say it enough, if there is any way at all to take leave as a non-bio-mom, even if you have to give up pay, if there is any room at all, do it. Depending on work plans, consider taking solo leave to get good one-on-one time. This was HUGE in terms of my quickly gaining comfort and confidence as a parent, and our finding solid footing as a family.

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Originally Posted by jenmostoften View Post
I have been curious......how many couples out there include a DP who does not intend to carry at all, as opposed to couples that are composed of partners who both have/want to carry?
We always planned on each carrying, and were lucky that it actually worked out. My informal tally indicates that the majority (perhaps large majority?) of two-mom families have one mom who carries and one who doesn't. I've also noticed that some who want to or plan to switch up, don't actually end up doing so for a variety of reasons (infertility, comfort of pre-existing roles, running out of sperm vials and wanting kids to have genetic link, etc). I'm really glad it worked for us.

I'm Lyn (32) wife to Gail (38) Mama to Leigh (born 6/06 ,via Gail) and Ira (born 5/09, via me)
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Old 04-27-2010, 12:33 PM
 
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Hi all - thanks for starting this thread! My partner and I are currently TTC (with her carrying), and our plan is for me to carry the 2nd child. We have had a very long planning period, in part because we're committed to using a KD which has been a process and in part b/c I had a really hard time wrapping my head around not going "first." I have been excited for pregnancy and childbirth etc since I was a teenager (I'm almost 30 now), whereas for DP, these are all new interests in her life and even so not as strong as mine (she's more excited about the parenting part than the pregnancy, but does still want to experience pregnancy). But she is 4 years older and felt that she really wanted to get started before she was 35, and we wanted to be able to play by ear how much spacing we put between kids. Even still, I am much more of the TTC planner, which sometimes feels good (her body, but me playing a huge role in actually making it happen), and sometimes feels strange (I'm doing all this work and I don't even get to experience pregnancy! - I know that isn't true and that I will eventually but sometimes it feels really far away). the other thing that compounds it is that i am very femme and she is not, and so our family/friends always assume that i will be the one who is carrying. this is complex b/c i know we shouldn't play into society's idea that only femmes have the kids and that butch/genderqueer folks don't, but it does feel hard to me to have my inner struggles about this sort of encouraged by other folks. which i then feel ashamed of b/c i do not want to play into gendered ideas of who gets pregnant! finally, although the plan is that i will take some type of maternity leave to be with the 1st baby, i am anxious about it actually being a financial reality for us both to take leave. the whole thing has been one of the most interesting (on good days) and challenging (on not so good days) experiences for me - and we haven't even gotten pregnant yet! my therapist has been very encouraging that it will all feel better once there is an actual baby. and i have to say that reading about other's experiences - like from lynftst (I love your blog!) - has been invaluable.
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Old 04-27-2010, 12:50 PM
 
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erthe mama.....what a shame that your family is being unsupportive of your parenting decisions. It only makes it harder on your 7yo to go through gender issues when there's no extended network of support.

lyn ftst.....your post hits a chord with me, I can relate with the feelings of being expendable and invisible. Throughout this whole process of TTC, there are random times when I just don't know what my place is. It's difficult sometimes not to feel as though I am on the outside looking in, even though DP recognizes this challenge for me and does everything she can to make me feel included. I try to go to all the Dr appts, and she includes me in all the decision making, but nonetheless, it is her body going through it all, its her being poked, prodded, and analyzed by the docs. How would any of it be much different if I weren't involved? Don't get me wrong, I am still very excited about the whole thing, and I can't wait for our turn to have a little one. I am lucky we have such a strong relationship, but just as I cannot imagine what she is going through, she is unable to understand what it feels like from my side. It is encouraging to hear you say that some of that melted away when the baby came. I had wondered about that and it's nice to get confirmation.

I agree that there is not much dialogue about the whole non-bio mom thing. Everybody talks about how thrilled and excited they are, but I should hope we are, since we are all actively planning and pursuing babies. It is less common in my experience to find non-bios who share their feelings of loneliness, etc. I am very analytical and I have wondered if it has anything to do with the fact that a lot of non-bio moms are perhaps more butch, and maybe exhibit more of a stereotypical masculine characteristic of not sharing feelings/emotions as easily? While I dislike generalizations, and I myself am a stereotype breaker, sometimes there is some truth in them. Hmmm, I could be way off....just typing stream of consciusness.

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Old 04-27-2010, 01:22 PM
 
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like lyn_ftst, i am a bio mum and non-bio mum. i carried our first son and dp carried our second. we plan on trying for one more mid-next year with her carrying again as i'm approaching 41 and have a blood clotting disorder that we discovered via a post-partum blood clot!

i second taking leave when your partner has given birth. i took off 2 weeks and it really helps with bonding. dp also took 2 weeks off when i had given birth. we both breastfed (well, she is still breastfeeding) and that hasn't affected bonding at all. we thought about me trying to re-lactate but with my work schedule and running after a 2.5yo it just wasn't feasible. that may be something y'all might be interested in though.

i love both our sons equally - i know some have concerns about loving their bio-child more but for me (and dp) that is not the case.

if you have any questions, feel free to ask! i think it's great when both partners carry.

g

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Old 04-27-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jenmostoften View Post
erthe mama.....what a shame that your family is being unsupportive of your parenting decisions. It only makes it harder on your 7yo to go through gender issues when there's no extended network of support.
Totally. But she was seeing her grandma every week with sleepovers every couple of weeks dressed as a boy and using her birth name, and it was really wearing on her. When we told her about how "Nan" and the aunties will not get to see her until she decides to give DD the respect she deserves, DD seemed relieved and not even upset. That wasn't the reaction we expected at all though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by indigoscot View Post
we both breastfed (well, she is still breastfeeding) and that hasn't affected bonding at all. we thought about me trying to re-lactate but with my work schedule and running after a 2.5yo it just wasn't feasible. that may be something y'all might be interested in though.
We're also both breastfeeding. Yay! I'm really looking forward to it, since I really enjoyed breastfeeding my first, and it'll be nice to give DP a break sometimes.

Quote:
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Even still, I am much more of the TTC planner, which sometimes feels good (her body, but me playing a huge role in actually making it happen), and sometimes feels strange (I'm doing all this work and I don't even get to experience pregnancy! - I know that isn't true and that I will eventually but sometimes it feels really far away). the other thing that compounds it is that i am very femme and she is not, and so our family/friends always assume that i will be the one who is carrying.
I think I know a little bit about how you feel concerning ttc, etc. I was REALLY looking forward to another pregnancy, and was planning to carry, but then DP and I started dating, and decided to wait a while to have a child. Then we decided she should go first because she's a few years older than me. I really fussed a lot about "getting everything together", and now I'm fussing about the pregnancy, but I'm not pregnant. lol Plus, she's the more "butch" one, so it totally confuses people sometimes. Mostly family though, since our friends are used to us by now...

I'm a queer, poly, pagan, (dis)abled, crazy, crunchy, intersectionally-minded feminist. fsonj & I are mamas to our unschooled/freeschooled 12yo & 3yo!  (Ask me about co-breastfeeding, supplementing at the breast, inducing lactation, eating placentas, undisturbed birth, and parenting a genderqueer child with Aspergers!)
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry, I've been gone for so long and missed so much! what great posts from everyone!

DP is going first because I wanted her to and I know she wanted a baby sooner rather than later and I thought I should wait for me to personally have a baby yet! So she's having this one, then its my turn and I bloody cant wait!

I know my parents keep saying 'we're too young to be grandma and grandpa' but mom knows DP wants another baby! I know they will be supportive and love this baby so much (just like they do with the other two little ones!)!

I keep wanting to ask DP what things are feeling like during her 2WW, but I dont wanna bug her!

Off to bed, its late!

more another day!

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 04-28-2010, 04:41 AM
 
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I became a parent as a non-bio mom in 2007 and am now pregnant with our second. I can relate to some of what others have said about the difficulty of being in that role, especially during the pregnancy (and before when ttc) when you are wondering how it will all work out. After our son was born, a lot of those worries went away for me. I still feel I face discrimination from some family members who don't treat me equally as his parent but my own insecurities have dissolved. I am 100% his mother and he can tell me when he's a teen that I'm "not really his mom" all he wants and I'll just know how wrong he is. I couldn't love him more nor feel more his mom. In fact I wonder how I can possibly love another, this one who is genetically mine and growing in my belly as much as I love him.

Megan-39, Postpartum Doula, DW to Sacha-40 (18 years together) and Mama to Finn Alexander born 4/2/07 and Zivia Littlewood born 8/23/10

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Old 04-28-2010, 09:28 PM
 
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I am beyond thrilled that we have this thread! My wife and I spent a year TTC with me carrying but I have PCOS and after three early miscarriages we just threw in the towel and switched to my wife. Thank goodness, her cycles are perfectly textbook and she got pregnant on our second try despite using a KD who turned out to have a terrible sperm count. Now we make a lot of jokes about how it is good DW is gay since she can clearly get pregnant if sperm so much as throws its hat on the bed!

Our original intention was for me to carry all of our children and now it is our plan for my wife to carry all the children. Having a genetic connection between our kids is important to us and, I admit, after all our fertility struggles, DW's functional reproductive system seems like an amazing luxury. Also, now that DD is here and I am her Mommy and bonded with her....I guess I don't really care now if I have any bio kids ever. I couldn't possibly love DD more and there have been some serious advantages to having the main caregiver and the birth parent be separate people. Our whole family got to be home together for six weeks PAID!

I hope this thread keeps going! And best of luck to all of you TTC-ers! I can't to get back into that rigamorole for #2 next spring.

Beth, SAHM to the little french goose, 6/17/09 and my little panda bear 2/6/12. I nursed with low supply, domperidone and a lact-aid for 18 months!
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Old 04-29-2010, 03:14 PM
 
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It's nice to see so many people post insightful things. I want to soak up as much as I can from this thread, so lets keep it up!

smilingsara - if i recall correctly, you and DP were testing yesterday morn, any good news??

citygirl144 - definitely seems like it would be bittersweet planning/charting for your DP to carry, especially when it sound like you really want to carry more. Although I am not carrying this round, and I don't think I ever will, DP has started loosely charting my cycle (just in case I change my mind, or she can't carry later) but I feel like at 29, I should've had the urge by now if I was going to.
My older brothers who have children warn me that if I ever intend to give birth myself I should not be present in the room during labor because it will freak me out. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but we'll see I guess. Anyone have perpsective on whether watching your DP give birth discouraged you from wanting to go through it yourself? I'm sure for some it's gotta be the opposite, right?

The breastfeeding topic is so interesting....DP has mentioned that she's heard of inducing lactation in non-bio moms, which seems somehow intimidating or something. I know it would be great to bond with the baby that way, and maybe I just need to educate myself about it. In theory, I love the idea, but the reality of it doesn't sit quite as well, and I am unsure why.

AFM, things are slowly starting to get back to normal after the miscarriage. DP is taking temps, etc again, and even though the RE thinks we should wait 2 cycles to try again, DP feels like we don't need to wait, and wants to jump right back in after one AF. I feel a bit caught in the middle on the subject. While I will support DP in her decision if she thinks her body is ready again,(afer all, how the heck do I know what it feels like) I am also a worrier so I think sometimes we should just play it safe and wait like the dr says, but yet we all know docs don't always know best....But what if there IS validity in his warning...?? Good thing I still have some time to overanalyze and worry needlessly over this, LOL

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Old 04-29-2010, 04:14 PM
 
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wrt watching the birth...before i gave birth i watched lots of those birth shows - not the tlc baby story ones but those that show the actual baby being born. dp could not watch them AT.ALL. she even said she would faint if she watched me give birth and didn't want to cut the cord.

in the hospital she watched my water flood all over the hospital bed (and there was meconium in it) and did actually watch our son being born w/o fainting. i watched too; i had them position a mirror so i could see ds1 being born. dp did not cut the cord. i asked to see the placenta and sac afterwards but dp was with ds1 at that point so she wasn't freaked out by my curiosity.

none of this made her not want to have a baby. when ds2 was born, dp's sister and i were in the room and coached her through her back labour. i cut ds2's cord.

i feel extremely lucky to have experienced both giving birth and watching my dp giving birth.

g

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Old 04-29-2010, 10:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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sadly no news, but shes on day 31 now and we are gonna test on saturday if AF doesn't come. She's producing a lot of classic pregnant signs and I'm still thinking she is. Wednesday morning was very hard, I didn't know what to say or do to make the situation any better. She was so sad, so bummed, and I surely was and am too, but I'm not convinced the negative test was true. I'll keep you all posted. I thought I posted something the other day when we tested, but I guess I didn't actually hit post...oops!

jenmostoften my favorite band is Tegan and Sara. Have you heard of them?!

I'm so curious about all of the feelings and things that DP is experiencing and what she has and will experience when the time comes! I like to ask her how she's feeling, but I don't wanna keep asking her time and time again because I don't wanna annoy the heck out of her.

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 04-30-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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TGIF! DP and I are heading to Madison, WI for a conference tomorrow on state gay rights like domestic partnerships, and adoptions and stuff. It will be a welcome distraction, I am excited to finish up at work and throw myself into a busy weekend of fun!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CassnBeth View Post
Also, now that DD is here and I am her Mommy and bonded with her....I guess I don't really care now if I have any bio kids ever.
I found this to be very comforting. It is so beautiful in its simplicity. Thanks.

smilingsara....I do like Tegan and Sara. I am not super familiar with them but my pandora station introduced me. I hope your DP still shows no sign of AF.
I know what you mean about asking her how she feels all the time.

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

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Old 04-30-2010, 06:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jenmostoften View Post
Although I am not carrying this round, and I don't think I ever will, DP has started loosely charting my cycle (just in case I change my mind, or she can't carry later) but I feel like at 29, I should've had the urge by now if I was going to.
My older brothers who have children warn me that if I ever intend to give birth myself I should not be present in the room during labor because it will freak me out. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but we'll see I guess. Anyone have perpsective on whether watching your DP give birth discouraged you from wanting to go through it yourself? I'm sure for some it's gotta be the opposite, right?
Ha ha on 29 being the cut off for having an urge to carry. Though I always knew I wanted to carry, there are MANY women who decide they want to in their mid to late 30's when it starts feeling like the opportunity may pass. You still have time to decide.

As for watching the birth, I guess that would depend on your temperament, fears, etc as well as how the birth goes. My wife's birth was very long and didn't present as a "normal" birth and went quite differently than we expected and eventually ended in a c-section. So, yes, for a while it did scare me about my own ability to birth since we had worked so hard for an unmedicated birth and it just didn't work out that way. But, it's been 3 years now and I've moved past MOST of that. And I know I'm a different person, with a different body and a different baby and my wife/son's birth really has nothing to do with this one at all. And, I choose to believe that we will have a birth close to what we hope for this time. But I also know that if things go haywire, we will be able to cope with that as well.

Quote:
The breastfeeding topic is so interesting....DP has mentioned that she's heard of inducing lactation in non-bio moms, which seems somehow intimidating or something. I know it would be great to bond with the baby that way, and maybe I just need to educate myself about it. In theory, I love the idea, but the reality of it doesn't sit quite as well, and I am unsure why.
I was intrigued by this too but decided not to try to induce because I knew I wanted to carry in the future and didn't want to affect my fertility by BFing. It is a lot of work to induce lactation so you really have to be committed to it. And, usually you wouldn't make enough milk to be a primary feeder without supplementation. Also, you really would need to wait until BFing was well established (6-8 weeks) with the birth mom before introducing baby to your breast so as not to affect her supply.

Quote:
AFM, things are slowly starting to get back to normal after the miscarriage. DP is taking temps, etc again, and even though the RE thinks we should wait 2 cycles to try again, DP feels like we don't need to wait, and wants to jump right back in after one AF. I feel a bit caught in the middle on the subject. While I will support DP in her decision if she thinks her body is ready again,(afer all, how the heck do I know what it feels like) I am also a worrier so I think sometimes we should just play it safe and wait like the dr says, but yet we all know docs don't always know best....But what if there IS validity in his warning...?? Good thing I still have some time to overanalyze and worry needlessly over this, LOL
Sorry about your m/c. I'm not sure how far along she was, but I'm guessing it was a pretty early m/c? If so, I doubt there's any real reason to wait to try again. Did you ask the Dr why he thought she should wait?

Megan-39, Postpartum Doula, DW to Sacha-40 (18 years together) and Mama to Finn Alexander born 4/2/07 and Zivia Littlewood born 8/23/10

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Old 04-30-2010, 11:08 PM
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ok, i've been wondering for a while where exactly to pop my head in on these boards, and figured that i wouldn't really find the perfect place for my situation. boy was i wrong!

i'd like to thank everybody for sharing, and the OP for posting this thread.

my name is brianne and i'm 30 years old. i've got a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. my wife wendy is 27, and we've been together almost 8 years. she had always intended to have a baby, even before we met. we've been trying to get wendy pregnant off an on for the last 2 years (though it was only about 6 cycles?) with 3 different known donors. we're so excited that the last time worked! she is due the end of November. i can't wait to be a "daddy". i joke (perhaps i'm serious) about getting myself a t shirt that reads "baby daddy". as i'm quite girly, i think this would be hilarious.

I've had the experience of being pregnant in a completely unsupporting environment, which makes my first priority making sure that my wife feels safe and loved. i'm trying my best, but have my days where i feel useless. mostly its a money issue, and the wife works and i'm the SAHM. i feel like i should be doing more, but even if i started working now, i'd have to quit when the kiddo comes. i think it's just my insecurities.

I've also had the experience of sharing my baby (he was 2 and still in diapers when we met) with my wonderful wife, and watching their relationship develop. i've learned alot from them both, mostly that wendy and i do things in a different style. i'm look forward to seeing how this works and how we each relate to this new baby. thankfully, in oregon, i will automatically have parental rights over this baby. (we are also in the process of wendy adopting my son! yay!)

we plan (but when you plan, the gods laugh) on me having another baby after this one, preferably with this same donor, so that all of our children will be related. i have officially inherited the evil pink thermometer!

citygirl, i feel a little like you do, about being the one to have the baby... but in our case i am the older one. we balance this with the fact that i did it once before, and in wendy's family female reproductive issues show up, and show up early. so i've had to consciously muffle the ticking of my biological clock by reminding myself that i will still get kicked by a tiny soccer player in the middle of the night, it will just be in the back and not the belly! and that i get to kiss tiny toes soon! it's all about the baby toes.

i breastfed my son for a little more than 2 years, and have thought alot (i don't know how seriously) about re-lactating. wendy will have to go back to work (if all goes well, she will be able to spend at least 3 months if not more at home), and since i never had to do it, pumping seems like so much work. but then, getting me to lactate would be a lot of work, and require laying down money for drugs. bleh. i haven't thought this completely through but don't want to rule it out. but what if i am just being selfish by wanting to nurse this baby? but what if the wife seriously hates pumping? i don't know.

ok, i think i quit for now, but will definitely be following this thread!

brianne

I'm Brianne (30), my wife of almost 8 years is Wendy (27) and she's due 11.29.10. Our son is Ben (10)
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Old 05-01-2010, 04:28 AM
 
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Hi all - I'm Megan's wife, Sacha. She posted earlier so you know that I birthed our son Finn and she's carrying our next spawn. So I'm in the non-bio seat this time. So far it mostly hasn't been strange. We actually both feel a lot less connected to this pregnancy, which is probably normal considering that we have a three year old to chase around, and he's very distracting.

I'm really excited about the whole pregnancy/labor bit. I had a rough pregnancy and rough labor ending in a c-section, so I'm excited to have a do-over even if it's not my body. Megs was an amazing labor support person so I hope I can be that for her.

So it's mostly good with me worrying every once in a while that I'll be left out. But Megan is the most amazing mama to Finn so she really inspires me to be a great non-bio mommy.

Me: almost 40, RN DW: 38, CPD Boy: born 4/2/2007 Girl: born 8/23/2010
Queer Parenting since 2007
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Old 05-01-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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Hi Brianne! Welcome and Congrats on the upcoming babe!
I just wanted to pop my head in on the inducing lactation topic. You may not need drugs as your body has lactated in the past. You could get a pump and try pumping several times a day. You might be pleasantly surprised at what your body remembers how to do!
I'm in the process of inducing lactation for our bumble due in August. I've been on birth control for two months, which is not turning out to be as great as I thought it would. It did delay my period so that I wasn't on during vacation, which was great, but it hasn't quite evened out yet which is a drag. I just started taking dom yesterday so we'll see what happens.
I did have a beautiful dream last night about nursing, so I'm super excited about it all!

K, H, and baby E (who is now three!!!)
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Old 05-01-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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Just weighing in as another data point on inducing lactation --

I planned to induce lactation for our daughter and even started on birth control and domperidone and pumping before changing my mind. The whole thing became so time consuming when all I really wanted to do was focus on the upcoming baby and getting things ready for her. I felt quite guilty for deciding to stop trying to bring in a milk supply since we had things all planned out but it ended up just feeling like a huge distraction to me. And, after DD was born, it turned out to be a really good thing that I hadn't invested a huge amount of time or emotion in the adoptive breastfeeding idea because our daughter didn't even latch on for my wife worth a darn; she didn't want to consume much of anything by mouth.

I spent the first three months of my daughter's life coaxing her into believing that consuming milk was associated with all things warm and snuggly and it ended up working a little too well; it was only a month or so ago that DD would take a bottle from anyone but me. And she still clearly thinks bottles from other people are for food purposes only and not much worth bothering about whereas, with me, it is this whole cuddly, sleepy, nursing thing.

So, in the end, I have the "nursing" relationship with our little girl even though she takes her breastmilk in bottles. And I am so very grateful that my wife thinks this is beautiful and touching instead of being really hurt because I am not sure I would have that perspective if the situation were reversed.

Beth, SAHM to the little french goose, 6/17/09 and my little panda bear 2/6/12. I nursed with low supply, domperidone and a lact-aid for 18 months!
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Old 05-02-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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Megan Sacha & CassnBeth - Thanks for your input on the breast feeding topic. Not only was I able to learn a bit about it, but it reinforced my thought that its probably not the route for me. And it was very encouraging to read that similar bonding experiences can occur during non-BFing meal times.

While I am open to the fact that I may change my mind about being a bio-mom, (and Megan Sacha you are probably right about a womans biological clock sometimes kicking in randomly and without warning during a womans thirties) it is just so hard to imagine wanting something thats such a big deal after 30 years of having no desire. I've long wanted to be a mother and have children, but never wanted to give birth, I figured the tick of my biological clock was what was driving that anyways, and maybe my tick was just a little different. Only time will tell. Sometimes I feel lucky to be in a relationship with a woman and have the luxury of getting a baby without having to carry. If I were with a man, I would most likely just have to go through pregnancy and birth whether I wanted to or not to get the baby in the end, LOL. And I suppose there are women in that situation out there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by megan sacha View Post
Sorry about your m/c. I'm not sure how far along she was, but I'm guessing it was a pretty early m/c? If so, I doubt there's any real reason to wait to try again. Did you ask the Dr why he thought she should wait?
Our miscarriage was indeed very early. We got our BFP after the TWW and the HCG was rising normally, but when we went for the first U/S, they could find no definitive sign of the sac. We suspect the baby stopped growing at approx. 5weeks. So, due to the fact the RE couldn't locate the sac in her uterus, he is concerned that it may have been ectopic. This is why he warned us to be safe than sorry and wait 2 cycles before TTC again to give the tube time to recover. However, DP and I have talked about it exensively and we just don't feel like there's any evidence of it being ectopic. She seems to have passed the remains normally, and she just had a blood test this past thursday and her HCG had dropped to 13. Every day that goes by makes us want more and more to jump right back in to TTC. For me, it just seems like a way to move on and put the miscarriage behind us. I just don't want to put DP in danger or jeopardize future pregnancies by moving too fast.

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

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Old 05-02-2010, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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JEN: I adore Tegan and Sara, you should check out their newest cd, SAINTHOOD, its amazing! Actually all of their cd's are!

sadly, AF came and its been a week of few smiles at our house. I started a new job and have been gone everday and now my first two days off their are no babies home and DP is working nights so she'll sleep all day.

We are gonna try againg in June, we're doing two insems every other month!

Last night I had a dream that we had a two year old little boy with black hair (like mine) and he really had to pee. So I pulled down his pants to let him go (we were outside) and a cop came over and said he wasn't allowed to pee outside.

DP to Sara, two crazy kids running around, lil dude born 11-1-11babyf.gif and the new guy is home !! babyboy.gif  (5/2/12)

 

 

 

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Old 05-06-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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Speaking of dreams.......

DP has often spoken of weird and/or very vivid dreams during this whole TTC process and while she was pregnant briefly. I hadn't been having any baby dreams really, and I kind of thought it was because her body was going through so much chemically and hormonally and she was physically feeling every part of the process....
However, I throw my theory out the window, because over the past week, I've been having some baby related dreams of my own. Yucky ones, though. I keep dreaming various unrealistic scenarios about people wanting to take our baby away from us. I'm sure this is just the manifestation of my fears about the legal aspects surrounding my lack of parental rights as the non-bio mom. But when I wake up in the morning from these dreams, I am just so emotionally distraught and it starts my whole day off wrong! Luckily, we found out this past weekend at that gay rights conference that Wisconsin lawyers are figuring out a few tricks to getting around the discriminatory laws preventing same sex parental rights.
Good thing, because it stresses me out already and we don't even have a baby yet!!!

DP and I together 12 years stillheart.gif Mom to DS nocirc.gif born 4/4/11

belly.gif #2 kiddo due 3/13/14

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