met up with KD - weird on so many levels! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 05-04-2010, 09:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DD was born in November, and we went out to my hometown for a visit. The visit was to see family, but it also happens to be the town where KD lives. We had to get a paper signed by him (for the adoption) so we met up to give it to him.

KD is an old friend who we see 2-3 times a year. we met in college, so in the past the basis of our relationship is going out to gay bars together. although we don't see each other or talk much, i was the first person he came out to. historically, we have the type of relationship where we slip back into comfortable, old routines once we're together.

not the case this time! first of all, it was SO WEIRD to see him now that DD is here. i love DD so much, and my feelings for her are so strong! it was very strange to see KD and see the similarities in their features. KD had no interest in meeting DD (which was fine).we met up with him at a local gay bar. usually we are pretty physically affectionate, but it felt awkward this time. the last time we saw KD was a year before when we were doing insems.

i really want to maintain a good relationship with KD - both for myself and DD. how did you get over the initial awkwardness?

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#2 of 7 Old 05-04-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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I'll be interested in people's responses too! I haven't seen KD since DD was born (Dec. 30) and I'm wondering what it will be like...we usually only see each other a couple of times a year ("talk" via email inbetween) and I think it will be awkward too....I'm a bit scared to be honest!

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#3 of 7 Old 05-04-2010, 06:58 PM
 
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Wow, I am not anticipating any feelings like that. Were you?

I'm interested to see what people have to say. My sitch is a little different because I see KD at least a couple times a month, more like once a week, unless one or both of us is out of town. We work together, we share an office, though neither of us is there often.

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#4 of 7 Old 05-05-2010, 02:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by FtMPapa View Post
Wow, I am not anticipating any feelings like that. Were you?

I'm interested to see what people have to say. My sitch is a little different because I see KD at least a couple times a month, more like once a week, unless one or both of us is out of town. We work together, we share an office, though neither of us is there often.
I wasn't anticipating feeling awkward at all. For me, it has been quite surprising to feel some anxiety about seeing KD now. I agree with whoabethy that it is very weird for me (and DP) to see KD in our DD so obviously...she REALLY looks like him. It's not at all bad, it's just odd for some reason. It's hard to explain but I actually find myself thinking about him more that I thought I would.

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#5 of 7 Old 05-06-2010, 08:25 AM
 
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We don't have a KD, but I will confer that when I first saw a photo of our donor (as a two-year-old), 5 months after our twins were born, I was shocked by how much LOVE I felt for him. He looked like my babies! Whereas before the birth, I was able to think of him simply as a "very nice man" who wanted to help families make babies, after the birth I felt a very different kind of affection for him. So I can definitely understand how this shift in feelings/emotions could take some getting used to if you were actually friends with the donor.

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#6 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lexbeach View Post
I was shocked by how much LOVE I felt for him. He looked like my babies! Whereas before the birth, I was able to think of him simply as a "very nice man" who wanted to help families make babies, after the birth I felt a very different kind of affection for him.
THIS. i wanted to scoop up KD and give him a big kiss. but, because of that our physical affection seemed strained. i was trying to hard to act like i usually do that it felt totally awkward.

this really opened my eyes to a hetero privlege that i never really thought about before. if your child is biologically from both of you, that newfound affection would be for my partner, not KD!

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#7 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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I think being pretty emotionally careful and considerate for some time should allow things to even out. I found the emotional stuff about conceiving with a kd surprising at first, but with our kids now 7 and 16 months, it's evened out by this point--much like the emotional intensity of becoming a new parent has largely dissipated, though I still adore parenthood!

Strangely, the most analagous situation I can think of to what you described in your second post was actually the time in high school I dated an identical twin, and then met his twin brother 5 weeks later; it was a bit jarring in the ways that what I *saw* and what I *felt* and what I thought I *should feel* just didn't line up!
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