We have a kd and have the same approach as indigoscot with our kids, and it's worked well so far (they are 7 and almost 1 1/2). No dad language tolerated--I just become pedantic, and really, people don't want to hear a patient-yet-insistent spiel everytime they bring it up, so I've found that they do stop once they realize a lecture is coming *every single time.* But really, I wouldn't let any of that (dating, dad, etc.) stuff go without comment--pleasant but firm. There's a lot of education that needs to happen, and as we see here that there are major differences in approach even among queer families, how would someone know how to verbalize the unfamiliar-to-them topic without being told? And perhaps reminded (and perhaps repeatedly..)
My response to the picture request would also be indigoscot's below, though perhaps a bit more subtle--I'd definitely not show pics until your dad did stop using father/dad language and got a clue. Basically I'd put him off "oh, I don't want to email them, we can look at them together sometime" (would not email them anyway), and then keep making excuses about why and how that wasn't happening until the language he used improved. And if I was called on that, I'd be pretty straightforward: "well, honestly, I'm worried that you'll make more of this relationship than we do, and we're really invested in defining and modeling the relationship appropriately for our kid--which is that AD helped us make our family (or whatever catchphrase you plan to use with the kid)"
FWIW, we quite delight in picking out resemblances of all types (physical/behavioral/bio/nonbio, etc.) with both of us moms, our kd and his partner, all the extended family of our kids (many aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whether bio-related or not--we both have blended families, so sometimes have to think a bit to remember the bio connections!), so that's not as much of an issue for us--but if it was, I'd just say something to that effect as well "we're really not comfortable emphasizing physical similarities because..."
I was invested in working all of this out fairly quickly just because kids are so perceptive, and it's really easier to do this work when they are not yet verbal, I think. And the more matter-of-fact, the better.
Originally Posted by indigoscot
i would not show them or email them to your dad UNLESS he agrees to stop calling him "the dad" and only "the donor".
our plan is to tell our sons that there is no daddy in our family, just a mommy, a mum and them. our oldest son is almost 3, goes to a daycare where every other child has a mommy and a daddy and has never asked where his daddy is. we figure he will ask some day but for now he seems perfectly happy that he has a mommy and a mum.
so, for us, we tell everyone that we have a donor and there is no "dad", "daddy" or "father". we correct everyone who gets it wrong because little pitchers have big ears.