~*~*~Poly Families-- The Second Thread~*~*~ - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 268 Old 09-28-2010, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
Most likely the reason you have this impression is because the poly people who are out and about are the ones who are 'hunting' and in the main they have more interest in the more casual relationships. The people in really long-term stable relationships aren't out advertising. They are just living.
thanks so much! What you said makes total sense! I'll remember that.
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#122 of 268 Old 09-28-2010, 08:17 PM
 
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#123 of 268 Old 10-02-2010, 04:43 AM
 
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Hi
I feel excited to have found this thread!
I am currently in a monogamous relationship, but am super open to poly. Kinda wanting that in fact.
Right now, it doesn't seem possible, because 1) I live in a tiny town, not to many options here 2) I have health challenges and sleep 10-12 hours at night, so it doesn't leave much time for spending with anyone.
But, who knows...
Anyways, I mainly wanted to say hi and subscribe to this thread
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#124 of 268 Old 10-02-2010, 08:01 AM
 
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welcome desert flower!

as for me, I'm packing to go to rainbow gathering in another 2 days or so... I'll be there for 4 weeks, and I just found out my GF will be coming too!! well, I'm not getting my hopes *too* high up, in case something happens and she doesn't make it, but it will be sooooo wonderful to spend some quality time with her.

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#125 of 268 Old 10-11-2010, 03:15 PM
 
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First of all, after reading this thread I realized that there are 'primary' and 'secondary' in poly unions. Neither of us finds that appeling. Is it possible for all members of a quad to be equally loving toward each other, equally envolved with each other (by the way, this is exactly the reason why I would not want to find an already existing couple, but rather two people who had not been together prior to meeting us).
Hello

I realize that I am a little late jumping into the fray, but I'm in a V-triad with my husbands RJ and Tryst. We started out our poly adventures with the idea that we were going to do the primary/secondary thing - with RJ being primary and Tryst being secondary - but that went out of the window with RJ's back-to-back deployments.

When RJ went on his most recent deployment, Tryst, with RJ's blessing, stepped into the role as my primary and father-figure to Eirik. It really made our relationship progress beyond what would normally be a secondary's relationship, and when that happened, we both couldn't see going back. After a lot of talking and discussion with RJ, both of the guys agreed to give being equal a try, and after working out some kinks in scheduling, we've all been pretty happy with it.

While I know we can't achieve true "equality" as I am legally married to RJ and only handfasted to Tryst, we have tried to be conscious of that. As soon as we PCS to a more alternate-family friendly state (instead of being in the buckle of the Bible belt), we'll putting legal protections in place for Tryst when it comes to guardianship of the kids, making medical decisions, being considered "family" in emergency situations, and the like.

In regards to quads and equality... I can't say much else about them without parroting much of what has already been said - except for adding our experience.

As I stated above, we started out with the idea that we'd have a primary/secondary dynamic with our other loves and limit ourselves to one other love interest. Perfect concept on paper.

When the rubber met the road, it got a little interesting. When Tryst and I started off our relationship together, he had a girlfriend of 4 months - we'll call her Bee - that he met online and with whom he started an online, long-distance relationship. These two had written, chatted, exchanged pics, etc. - but never met in person. Tryst floated the idea of Bee and him being primary couples, like RJ and me, and then basically doing a swap - Bee would be RJ's secondary, I would be Tryst's secondary, and because Bee and I were both bi - we'd play with one another and occasionally gang up on one of the guys. Again, perfect concept on paper.

While RJ was deployed, Tryst and I spent a lot of time together, and Bee got jealous, to the point of creating lots of intolerable drama. (Quite a feat for someone halfway across the world in Japan.) Tryst finally broke it off with her when he discovered that a lot of what she had told him about her history wasn't adding up or was never discussed until it was already an issue.

Needless to say, we've been very cautious of the quad thing ever since. But like everything in life - Your Mileage May Vary - and you might find the situation that you're looking for. I will say that poly situations don't always go as planned - in both positive and negative aspects. When I met Tryst in 2005, I had no idea we'd go from being acquaintances to ending up as we are, just as when RJ and I got married, I thought we were going to be strictly monogamous. Even in our poly adventures, I was hoping for a little fun with a secondary, instead I have 2 very devoted guys

My advice on being poly aside from the permutations of poly relationships?

- Be open to the universe and the love that's out there...
- Realize that, despite our careful planning and wishes, we fall in love with who we do and that's A-Ok - even if we may not think it's OK at the time. - -- Realize that love is messy, crazy, and a pain in the ass sometimes, but honestly worth it.
- Enjoy the ride

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#126 of 268 Old 10-12-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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I am curious if anyone here has done a second-parent adoption with their other partners.

Due to the fact that both of my guys are in the military, we are having to name RJ (my legal husband) as the father of our upcoming baby Ninja, even though it is Tryst's because we don't want Tryst getting charged with adultery under military regulations. We plan on getting an amended birth certificate to reflect the child's true father once Tryst's military service commitment is completed.

However, until that happens, we do want Tryst to have some sort of parental rights on paper - for both Ninja and Eirik (my son with RJ).

Any advice?

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#127 of 268 Old 10-12-2010, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There's probably a way to name Tryst as a legal guardian for both of your children, but I'm not sure that a third parent can legally adopt a child.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#128 of 268 Old 10-15-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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Hello!

I just wanted to introduce myself. This is my first post at mothering.com, although I've been a reader for years. I'm not a mother yet, but I hope to be someday. :-) I am polyamorous, and I do believe that a poly household can be a safe, loving, supportive place for children. I know it can sometimes be unstable, just as traditional, heterosexual, monogamous relationships can sometimes be unstable. It all depends on the individual people involved. (I suppose I'm preaching to the choir here.)

Right now, my relationship situation is that I have one wonderful boyfriend. He lives with his wife of several years. I would like, within the next few years to meet somebody to marry and share a household with. I will meet the right person when I'm ready. I probably won't post on the forum much, but I might pop in from time to time, so I thought I'd say hello.

Carolina, the best suggestion I can give you is to speak to a lawyer who specializes in family law. Laws vary so much from region to region, so it's hard to give general advice.
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#129 of 268 Old 10-18-2010, 08:39 PM
 
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Okay. So it has been a L O N G time since my last visit to this thread. My situation is still mostly the same. Me and DH had some problems and then worked through them. Now we have an "interesting" situation on our hands.

A girl I went to high school with and hadn't talked to since high school (6 years ago) but was a FB friend of mine messaged me about a month ago about watching her 2 children since she was separating from her husband. I've been watching them for about 1 month now and the girl is constantly texting me, calling me and talking for hours, asking me to do things with her, etc. I do not know her "orientation" and I don't know if she knows mine, but most people in school did. DH thinks this girl has a thing for me for a few reasons: she is asking me to do things that usually her husband did for her (help her grocery shop, check oil, etc), she is texting me things like "It's wierd not having you here" on days that I'm not at her house, and answering her door in a towel. Now, I can see it either way (actually being interested in me or just needing someone around after her husband is gone). And I am completely okay with either option. It's just been really random and out of the blue. So for now, I'm just being there for her and keeping my mouth shut. lol.

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#130 of 268 Old 10-18-2010, 08:46 PM
 
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Oh and a completely unrelated question. How exactly do polygamy laws work? If you had two women in your house and you were married to one of them legally and one of them handfasting/commitment ceremony/whatever, they could go after you for polygamy? What if you DON'T live in a state that has a commonlaw marriage law? What if it was a woman that had both a man and woman partner in a state that doesn't recognize same sex marriages?

I started wondering all of this after hearing about the Sister Wives people possibly being convicted of polygamy.

This obviously isn't personal, I'm just curious and I thought who better to ask than the Poly Families board? (And I know that polyamory does not automatically equal polygamy)

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#131 of 268 Old 10-19-2010, 07:14 PM
 
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thatgirl, hope you are enjoying reconnecting with your old friend. At the least, it sounds as if you've rekindled a fun friendship. :-)

As far as polygamy laws, if you are in a place with common-law relationships, then you are technically practicing polygamy if you live with two lovers. I live in Canada and I know that here it's not really prosecuted, except in the case of cults in which under aged girls are forced to marry. A person's not really in danger of getting arrested, but it is technically illegal here.
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#132 of 268 Old 10-20-2010, 02:24 PM
 
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As far as I know, only Alabama, Colorado, the District of Columbia, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas & Utah recognize common-law marriages.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#133 of 268 Old 10-22-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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However, until that happens, we do want Tryst to have some sort of parental rights on paper - for both Ninja and Eirik (my son with RJ).

Any advice?
Check with JAG about setting up an additional guardian for your children. Due to the nature of the job, I'm sure it's common to have additional guardians, especially when your husband is deployed.
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#134 of 268 Old 11-01-2010, 02:17 AM
 
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hi all, I'm back from my vacation at the Rainbow Gathering
it was AWESOME!!!
I was somehow sluttier than I've ever been in my life - I decided to completely do away with the dishonest veil of shyness and just be really out and open. I think I had 5 "playmates" over the course of 3 weeks
the last of which I'm totally in love with - she's coming up here for a visit maybe later in the month.

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#135 of 268 Old 11-17-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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Thought I'd bump the thread...

 

DP is having issues with SAD, so he is clingy with me and aloof with his gf.  Which makes it weird for me, especially as I have a former acquaintance who is brewing into something more.  Finding the balance is going to kill me (if college, work and mommyhood, doesn't first). ROTFLMAO.gif


My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#136 of 268 Old 11-17-2010, 05:04 PM
 
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sounds challenging indigo! has your DP looked into things like supplements or lighting to help with the SAD? I don't really know much about it, living in sub-tropical australia, but I'm sure I've seen threads around on natural ways to support through it.

 

meanwhile, my beloved that I met at rainbow will be arriving here sometime in the next day or 2 (she's hitchhiking from a town a few hundred miles away), and DP is starting to freak out about it a bit. We're hosting a rainbow scout council at our house and there's a festival on in our village this weekend, so it's likely there's gonna be about a dozen hippies staying in our home, and things might get a bit crazy. :nut

 

that, and a woman I met on another forum, but who lives about 1500mi away is planning to fly down and stay for a weekend next month. She's new to poly and bisexuality and curious about it all so it should be interesting to see how that works out. anyway should be fun for a couple of days.


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#137 of 268 Old 11-19-2010, 06:37 PM
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolina Kel View Post
However, until that happens, we do want Tryst to have some sort of parental rights on paper - for both Ninja and Eirik (my son with RJ).

Any advice?
Check with JAG about setting up an additional guardian for your children. Due to the nature of the job, I'm sure it's common to have additional guardians, especially when your husband is deployed.


I'll look into it, however dealing with JAG would make me nervous because I don't want Tryst getting nailed for having a relationship with a married person. Due to the not-so-progressive attitudes in the area in which we live, we've decided to hold off on consulting with legal services until we are in a better area - like the Seattle-Fort Lewis area or we make a trip back up to Madison, WI on one of our trips home.


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#138 of 268 Old 11-19-2010, 06:54 PM
 
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Oh! I almost forgot!!!

 

 

Clan R-K is having a GIRL!!! Skadi

 

RJ, Tryst and I are just ecstatic and can't wait to meet our little valkyrie, Skadi! 


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#139 of 268 Old 11-20-2010, 10:30 AM
 
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Yayyyyyy Congratulations!!


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#140 of 268 Old 11-20-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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huge congrats carolina kel!


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#141 of 268 Old 11-21-2010, 08:17 AM
 
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*sighs* 

 

So last I posted here, I had just split with my secondary. He moved into a hotel as his credit is in the dumps, so finding an apartment is near impossible without a large deposit. 

And we are still dating. I realized I needed to end things for my kid more than myself. I still love him deeply and we are working on our relationship. But he was not good around my daughter so I had to separate them. 

 

But lately, I have had these yearnings. Silly stupid yearnings. I daydream about being in a monogamous relationship with J(more on that later), settling down with him and living a simpler life.One without B (my husband). I want to end the facade that we are more than just roommates. I want him to know that I do not want to be his wife anymore. He values my being his wife so much. Being his wife is what seems to matter to him most because he is always calling me his wife which wouldn't be weird if it weren't so frequently. 

 

 I will admit something here that I never have before and am extremely ashamed to admit. *deep breath* My husband B and I do not have a sexual relationship. When we were dating, I was just finishing a divorce and had been alone for a year. I was lonely and wanted company, any company. I was less than honest with him about how I felt toward him sexually and forced myself to be intimate with him to keep the peace. Well, after my daughter was born, I finally found the courage to admit to him my true feelings and he stayed. He said that he doesn't need to have sex with someone to love them and he is a great partner to me and a decent father to our daughter. We both talked about opening our relationship so we could pursue filling that gap in our relationship.

 

I met J a year after we opened our relationship. He is a great supporter, advisor, go-getter and lover. We have had our share of fights and are currently working on our relationship. He moved in with us for 8 months before we decided it was best for him to move out. It was intended as a break-up but I loved him too much to say good-bye, so we have been dating and not making future plans. Until this weekend, when I confessed to him that I wanted out of my marriage. That I yearned for simplicity and monogamy with him.

 

That I was tired of being in a marriage that wasn't a marriage to me. I have always thought of B as a roommate/best friend. B desires to be intimate in any way he can ( that I allow), like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, even a tiny amount of groping. These things make me incredibly uncomfortable as I have 0 sexual/physical interest in him. But I allow him to do these things to keep the peace again and my will is fading. I don't want to pretend anymore and I want him to understand that it's not his fault.  I was so stupid and lied to him about how I felt. 

 

Part of me loathes these yearnings( to be monogamous and settle down with someone I have a balanced relationship with), that they are selfish and immature. Am I really willing to break up my family (B and daughter) just so I can be happy? Another failed marriage? Or do I accept my mistake and live with the consequences? 

 

Sorry if none of this makes any sense. I just needed to get this out and seek advice. My plan is to wait it out, see how things go with moving, perhaps try a separation and seek a divorce.  I love B very much, that needs to be said. And J hasn't proven to be great around my daughter, so jumping from a marriage into living with J doesn't seem wise. I will end up having to get a job, put my daughter is pre-school/daycare and get my own place. All of which I have done before. But I am so confused. Some days, I can imagine living the rest of my life like this, but these yearnings for monogamy are so conflicting. 


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#142 of 268 Old 11-21-2010, 07:07 PM
 
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wow BAS :hug to you. sounds like a really full-on place to be in. I'm kind of in a similar situation with my husband, so I can relate (we're married, and best friends, and co-parents and living together, but there's no desire on my part for it to be an intimate relationship).

Have you sat down and talked with your partners about it?


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#143 of 268 Old 11-21-2010, 10:36 PM
 
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meanwhile, my beloved that I met at rainbow will be arriving here sometime in the next day or 2 (she's hitchhiking from a town a few hundred miles away), and DP is starting to freak out about it a bit. We're hosting a rainbow scout council at our house and there's a festival on in our village this weekend, so it's likely there's gonna be about a dozen hippies staying in our home, and things might get a bit crazy. :nut


Hey, how's that going? Sounds fun!

 



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RJ, Tryst and I are just ecstatic and can't wait to meet our little valkyrie, Skadi! 


Congratulations!!! joy.gif

 

Ours should be arriving any day now... :)


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#144 of 268 Old 11-21-2010, 11:13 PM
 
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there were indeed more than a dozen hippies staying in our house while a big and hectic arts and music festival was going on in our village... it was indeed crazy! including my lover. I worked my butt off making sure DH got enough attention and love, and that he had his space and his needs met, and what with that and all the people in the house, my lover and I didn't really get any time alone together. She wasn't cold, but also wasn't very forthcoming with affection. I can't tell if she just needed space and preferred to be with me *alone* rather than in a houseful of people or if she was uncomfortable with the situation of me and DH being poly, or if she's just not all that into me outside of the realms of rainbow gathering.

Anyway, I enjoyed it while it lasted and she's gone off now. Though might come back, in any case it's never going to be a serious thing as she is Chilean and just over here for a travel/vacation. I'm not up for getting into a serious relationship with someone who lives on another continent.

 

that said, I've been exploring a connection with another woman I met on a forum, and she's coming down for a visit next month... I must be crazy to get involved with someone who lives 1200mi away. :dizzy

 

and I've been having conversations with my ex-GF... she wants to get back together.

 

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#145 of 268 Old 11-22-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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Yes, I have had a few conversations about my comfort level with intimacy but he still seems to forget that and just does what he wants. Insisting on kissing, hugging and groping a partner who not only has expressed disinterest in physical intimacy but isn't naturally a touchy person puts me in an unfair guilt ridden place. If he could be o.k. with having 0 intimacy, I would stay, no questions. But I know that is totally unfair to ask him because I have been dishonest. And I don't want him to think of me as his wife anymore as for him that includes certain considerations I don't have the strength any more to give him. But it all doesn't matter. I am trying to get custody of my daughter from a previous marriage and I cannot leave my home. :(


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#146 of 268 Old 11-22-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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:hug to you BAS.


By reading this signature, you agree to join my cult :nana
Google me, you know you want to mischievous.gif
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#147 of 268 Old 11-26-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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kid.gif Oh oh ohhh!  So happy you mommas are heeere!!!

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#148 of 268 Old 11-26-2010, 07:59 PM
 
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welcome polyfidelity :)


By reading this signature, you agree to join my cult :nana
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#149 of 268 Old 11-30-2010, 06:31 AM
 
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hey thanks!  i may just be lurking while i figure this relationship out... wait a second, that may take forever!  lady.gif

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#150 of 268 Old 11-30-2010, 06:36 AM
 
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So where's the dictionary for all these poly letters???  DP, etc.  urr? rocks.jpg

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