What happened with your donor regarding contact? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 06-26-2010, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When you conceived your baby using a donor, what did you decide regarding contact between the donor and baby?

I'm using a donor to ttc right now, and im not sure what I want for that issue. I realise I need to make a deicison asap, but I feel quite confused about it. How do you even decide? or does the donor make the decision?

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#2 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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We are still in the ttc process right now, but our contract is fairly clear--basically, he will have "uncle" status. He's an acquaintance of mine, and I asked him on a whim, and he said yes, and the more we get to know him, we think he'll be a great uncle. He understands that he won't have any responsibility, but we've already talked about being honest with the child(ren) about the DNA they came from--that even though they have 2 mommies, that uncle XXX is a cool guy who helped us make him/her/them.

Just my $0.02...good luck!
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#3 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 06:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kkearney1982 View Post
We are still in the ttc process right now, but our contract is fairly clear--basically, he will have "uncle" status. He's an acquaintance of mine, and I asked him on a whim, and he said yes, and the more we get to know him, we think he'll be a great uncle. He understands that he won't have any responsibility, but we've already talked about being honest with the child(ren) about the DNA they came from--that even though they have 2 mommies, that uncle XXX is a cool guy who helped us make him/her/them.

Just my $0.02...good luck!
That sounds good, so the child will still grow up knowing who he is/having a relationship with him, having him as "uncle".

I think it would be easier if there was no contact after conception with my donor, but then I worry he might change his mind and want to fight for joint custody or something And I also wonder what would be best for the child too....I just don't know.

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#4 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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Honestly, I'm very glad we asked the guys we did--all older gay men who are very happy with their lives. Our KD is 44, and likes kids, but also likes living his bachelor life. We kept the uncle status as a safeguard, so that he'd never feel like he was being kept from "his" kid (we know they wouldn't be his, but if he ever felt more than just "I like kids" towards my wife and I's baby(ies), at least he would know that we're not keeping him from interacting with them...if we did, the pressure might build up to a point of him trying to see them through the legal system). The other guys we asked were the same way--45-52, and all very set in their lives, so the issue of custody or anything would probably never come up because that would mean a huge change for them, and if they've lived this long without having to change a dirty diaper (KD is one of those super-clean sterotypical gays...he can't come into our house anymore, lol), I doubt any of them would start now.

I might sit down and talk with him about it--saying "look, I know we didn't want contact, but if you want to talk about this in the future, please call me and we can talk." This way he knows you're open to discussion, as opposed to him feeling like he can't talk to you about it if he does change his mind. This is something you need to discuss! Even if he "knows" now that he won't want any contact...or even if you don't want contact, things change as people grow older. Maybe he finds out in 5 years that he has cancer and will never be able to have kids of his own? Guess where that puts your kid(s)? Right on his mind--his DNA still lives on, and he may want a connection now. If the door is open to that discussion, he'd probably be comfortable assuming an uncle role. Or he could never change his mind, and your kid(s) can meet him when they're 13 and really want to know where the other half of their genetics comes from.

I'm all for 100% open honesty. It makes people way more comfortable, and can head off a lot of issues in the future.
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#5 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 04:18 PM
 
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this seems like a decision you and the donor need to discuss and agree upon before there is a baby or pregnancy out there. once you are pregnant, what if you decide you don't want him involved and he wants to be a father figure to the child? you get to make the decision about what kind of relationship you want with the donor and if this donor doesn't want that then maybe you need to find a new donor.

we used a sperm bank for the very reason of wanting to clarify what the donor's role is and have legal protection from the donor.

Me, DW , and DS born 7/6/10
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#6 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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We used a known donor, and he does not want any "special" relationship/responsibility, nor do we want him to. We spelled out all of our intentions regarding this prior to TTC in a sperm donor contract, and DP plans to adopt the baby soon after she is born. KD will voluntarily sign away his paternal rights, and DP will then be able to adopt. That way, if KD changes his mind later, DP, baby girl, and I are all protected as a family. We have all agreed that if/when our daughter is curious about her biology, we it is okay to identify KD as the donor. He is a close friend of ours, so we are anticipating he'll have a similarly close relationship with her as would any of our close friends (i.e., called aunt or uncle, etc... but not called that just because of his status as donor).

This was what we were most comfortable with; it's definitely a very personal decision, and a discussion that (I think) must be had openly and honestly with your donor before you conceive.

Hope this helps!

Part hippie-chick, part type-A career woman, all mama. Enjoying life as a wife to my partner of 11 years, and a mama to our smarty-pants toddler, Cadence.

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#7 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 07:37 PM
 
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We discussed everything that we'd want in a contract before making the decision to try with our known donor. As it turned out, we all have almost identical "ideals" about how we'd see negotiating the relationships down the road and that was what made us decide to go ahead. He also talked to his parents and we disussed it with ours, which we felt was really important (one potential KD had a mom who was waaaaay to up in our business, and that was a dealbreaker for us even though we liked hm very much).

I posted a thread asking for ideas on what to discuss here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1202511

I got lots of valuable advice and we did discuss almost everything that was suggested in that thread.

I think it's incredible important to have the discussion with your donor before there's a baby, as suggested above. It could be fine but it could also be a case of you two having incredibly different feelings/desires, or having feelings that change after the kid is here.

Also, I'd like to strongly suggest that YOU decide how you want it to look and then approach the donor about how that works for him - I do not think that HE should be the one to decide how this will go, at all. Maybe you suggested that because you feel like he is "doing you a favor" by providing the sperm or something? OK, so think about what you'd be willing to negotiate on, but you should still feel 100% comfortable.

Good luck!

Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#8 of 8 Old 06-27-2010, 10:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyndzies View Post
We used a known donor, and he does not want any "special" relationship/responsibility, nor do we want him to. We spelled out all of our intentions regarding this prior to TTC in a sperm donor contract, and DP plans to adopt the baby soon after she is born. KD will voluntarily sign away his paternal rights, and DP will then be able to adopt. That way, if KD changes his mind later, DP, baby girl, and I are all protected as a family. We have all agreed that if/when our daughter is curious about her biology, we it is okay to identify KD as the donor. He is a close friend of ours, so we are anticipating he'll have a similarly close relationship with her as would any of our close friends (i.e., called aunt or uncle, etc... but not called that just because of his status as donor).

This was what we were most comfortable with; it's definitely a very personal decision, and a discussion that (I think) must be had openly and honestly with your donor before you conceive.

Hope this helps!
This exactly. Except where we live, KD signed away his rights and DP is automatically listed on our DS's birth certificate.

18 months in and our set-up couldn't be more perfect! KD and his partner are expecting a baby of their own and we're all very excited about a new cousin for DS.

I do think you need to clarify your r'ship with the donor before pregnancy - there are too many unknowns if you don't.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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