Help: Fiance is pregnant - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 08-27-2010, 01:45 PM - Thread Starter
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I need help. I need to hear stories. Read blogs - please send me your blogs on this if you have any.

My situation is complicated. We are in a poly relationship (yes Im aware there is a poly thread). The main issue that I need help is that my fiance is pregnant.

She is having my husbands baby. I dont care (at all really and truly) and that is my husbands baby.

We didnt plan this baby. We had intended to wait like 5 years before having more babies (we have 4). We both wanted 1 more baby. We both craved it. Every fibre of our being wanted another baby. But we were waiting. She is pregnant now.

Im so incredibly happy for her - truly. But at the same time, my heart is breaking for myself. Its so selfish. So so selfish.

She is already tired, and crampy, and feeling hungrier - all because there is a tiny baby growing inside her. I so desperately want a baby. Its not jealousy - its immense sadness for me. I dont know how not to see her sometimes and feel sad and feel like I want to cry.

I hope there are some mamas here who know what its like to desperately want another baby. I hope i dont have to explain what that pull feels like. How ever part of you screams for a pregnancy and a baby.

I cant have another baby now or soon just because she is. Further, Im not comfortable with having big age gaps between kids and not having that last kid have a sibling close in age. If I have a baby in 5 years it will be so much younger than the others it will essentially be an only child. I am facing the very real possibility of not having any more babies. My heart is breaking.

How do I enjoy this pregnancy with her? How do I get over my own selfish need for a baby? What "rights" do I have over this newborn? (She has said we will share the mothering - I can nurse it, wear it, cuddle it etc..but what right do I have to do that to satisify my own needs when the baby actually needs his real mama).

I need help. I need perspective. I need guidance. Has anyone dealt with something like this....

Mods: I posted this in queer parenting because here they would have knowledge of same sex co-mothering.

Lindsay: DS#1 (06/06) DD#1 (09/07) DS#2 (10/08) DD#2 (06/09). AND A BABY DUE NOVEMBER 2013

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#2 of 3 Old 08-27-2010, 02:10 PM
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This is quite a situation and my heart goes out to you. I'm not in a poly relationship and I'm sure you will get much better advice from those that are.

I just wanted to say that you should not minimize your feelings here. It is not a "selfish need for a baby," but rather your intrinsic maternal desire. Do not diminish that power. Whether you can or will have another baby doesn't change the fact that you hear that call, sense that empty space, and feel that NEED to carry again. Recognize that desire and allow it's presence. I would recommend talking about those feelings gently with your fiance and while telling her that you are happy for her, ask that she acknowledge the loss that you are experiencing.

You will grieve this. I know several same sex couples that for whatever reason had to switch who would carry their baby or not carry at all. Those situations present a great loss, even when a new life is brought into their world. You can find joy in this new baby and support her pregnancy while grieving the loss of your own potential pregnancy at this time.

I hope I made sense and that you can hear that I mean this in all kindness for you and your family. My heart breaks for you as one who knew the pain of unfulfilled maternal desire for years. I hope your family is able to show each other love and gentleness through both the happy and hard times.


Sarah - mama to the love of my life, Aurelia Josephine, b. June 11, 2010

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#3 of 3 Old 08-29-2010, 06:43 PM
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I am not in a poly relationship but if you all live together and are both wives to the husband, aren't you both "mothers" to all of the children? If that is so, then you will be a mother to this child too. As the mother of 2 girls, both of whom didn't grow in my body, I couldn't love them anymore than if they grew in it. One is by traditional surrogacy and one by adoption. Both girls have bonded with me as their new mother and I to them. If you are to share a house and husband, it seems OK for you to share this baby too. So, maybe you can think of it as a surrogacy arraingment, where you are one of the parents meant for this little one...go shopping, Drs visits, feel it kick etc. Also you need to grieve your own "loss of not getting pregnant" in your body. Even today I still wish I could experience a baby growing in me, birthing a child etc, but with a hysterectomy, that isn't possible.

Melissa, L&D RN now...aspiring midwife-2-B,
20yo DS, 7yo DD, almost 2 yo DD, 1yo GDD
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