Quad (commited union of four: 2M & 2F). WDYT? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 12:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
I know you guys refuse to hear it and keep ignoring it, pretending that I never said that. Therefore, I want to repeat it loud and clear once again:

No, my husband did not just make it up to keep me (having a plan of never executing it on the back of his mind). This is just not the case. Just like me, he is honest to the extreme of it and he just never does such things. He took a model of a quad in his book as a model of an IDEAL union BEFORE it even came up between him and me. He kept going on and on for days afterwards starting conversations about a quad, going through different endless possibilities this union is opening up and wondering how come many more people do not come up with this idea. He very much wanted and asked me to call together my neices (they are 19) to share with them this exciting idea, because he was excited to NO END. When he offered the quad idea (and days afterwards) he MEANT it, I am absolutely sure about that. I know my husband, he does not play games, he does not lie. It was a very honest proposal that he was very excited about. He 100% meant it.
Well, regardless of whether he meant it at the time, and regardless of whether he still thinks it's a good idea in theory, it seems pretty clear to me that he doesn't want a quad relationship for himself at the moment and he may never want one. So, I really think the question you need to be asking yourself is "how am I going to proceed if adding other people to the reaaltionship is not an option?". Because it isn't an option for you at the moment.

You can rehash the whole "but it was his idea" and "he said maybe one day in the right circumstances" all you like but, right here, right now, he doesn't want to so either you respect that and look at other ways to improve your relationship or it's a dealbreaker for you and you separate and find a quad of your own.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really don't see any other options at this stage.

Mother of two spectacular girls, born mid-2010 and late 2012  mdcblog5.gif

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#122 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 11:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
I know you guys refuse to hear it and keep ignoring it, pretending that I never said that. Therefore, I want to repeat it loud and clear once again:

No, my husband did not just make it up to keep me (having a plan of never executing it on the back of his mind). This is just not the case. Just like me, he is honest to the extreme of it and he just never does such things. He took a model of a quad in his book as a model of an IDEAL union BEFORE it even came up between him and me. He kept going on and on for days afterwards starting conversations about a quad, going through different endless possibilities this union is opening up and wondering how come many more people do not come up with this idea. He very much wanted and asked me to call together my neices (they are 19) to share with them this exciting idea, because he was excited to NO END. When he offered the quad idea (and days afterwards) he MEANT it, I am absolutely sure about that. I know my husband, he does not play games, he does not lie. It was a very honest proposal that he was very excited about. He 100% meant it.
1. Ideal and reality are two very different things, as I'm sure you're well aware.

2. Why on earth would you tell your 19yo nieces? That sounds like asking for drama.

3. Meant is PAST tense. He's not ready at this moment in time, and has told you that he won't be until you are both happy in your current situation. You keep saying that you aren't pressuring him, but you ARE based on your previous posts since you apparently are unable to be happy until you are allowed to have sex with a fictional character who is physically stronger than you and far more advanced martial arts wise.

Catch 22 is right, and it sounds like you need re-evaluate you're needs and what you want out of life. If its the fictional martial arts man it looks like it will cost you your marriage.
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#123 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 11:30 AM
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Had I discovered certan needs of mine earlier, I would not have been married to dh. But since I am and we have two wonderful kids, I am trying to work with what I have and still make the best out of it.
I'm going to approach this from a totally different perspective than the other posters have.

About 9 months ago, I had an epiphany moment and realized I am bisexual. I came out to my husband about two weeks later and then there was silence in the relationship for a while. When we finally started talking about it, the floodgates opened and a there was a WHOLE LOT of discussion about an open relationship so that I could realize that side of myself. Everything felt so incredibly urgent. I had to do something about it RIGHT NOW or I was going to regret it for the rest of my life. I could never be happy in my marriage if I didn't learn as much about myself as possible. This is why I mentioned that quote above. For me, this was the crux of the whole thing. I kept thinking "Geez, if I had known about this before I got married, would I have gotten married to DH??!?! What if I die and I never get to explore this?!"

DH was also the one who came up with the idea. I obsessed about it for months and we talked about it a whole lot. The more we talked about it though, the more I realized that he had mentioned the idea thinking that I could never be happy without it. Bringing it to the table in some ways was a peace offering. I'm not saying that's what your DH is doing, but I think bringing it up is a huge sacrifice in and of itself for a partner. I'm not opposed to poly relationships by any stretch. I think they can really work for some people in a very meaningful way. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would not be able, in this point in my marriage, handle a new relationship and connection with someone without it interfering with my relationship with my DH. Maybe at some point in the future, I will feel differently, but for now, it is something I think about sometimes, but I have focused in on my marriage and family more.

I'm not saying you should give up the idea completely. What I'm saying is that you've made this huge realization about yourself and your needs very recently, and it is totally normal to feel like you have to DO SOMETHING about it RIGHT THIS MINUTE. It took me quite a while to realize that I don't have to make any decisions or actions right now, just take things day by day in the relationship that I already have, and accept that the only way to get what I want RIGHT NOW is to divorce DH for some hypothetical person, which I don't want to do because I love my husband so so much.

So I'm looking at this from a personal growth perspective. Read, learn, maybe work through your feelings with a therapist, but when it comes to taking action, you will need to examine everything with extreme care.
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#124 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 01:47 PM
 
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Let me start out by saying that I’m not against poly relationships, although I couldn’t be in one myself (DP and I have discussed it, and are both uninterested in all of the negotiations, etc). I have friends who are in them and happy. I also think that there’s some chance that you’re not really giving your husband enough of a chance, as some others have said (sometimes I find that it’s very possible to transfer the eroticism that I feel towards strangers—dancing at a club, say—back to my partner since I know that that’s where I’m allowed to act on them). Having a hot rock climbing/martial arts partner who totally turns you on and then going home and acting out whatever with your husband might work better than you think, but if you aren’t willing to try it, it’s hard to know that for sure. And since your husband isn’t on board, you aren’t allowed to date, and you have no one in mind for this specialized and complicated quad relationship (because honestly, who is going to be attracted to a relationship with an already strained couple where one person is open about being very selfish? Especially since you say you don’t want an already-established couple so there would be no ‘primary partners’. It’s too late—you’ve already got a primary partner) this doesn’t seem like something that’s going to happen anyway.

But what I was going to say that adds something new, I think, to this conversation, is that your children need to be given some status in all of this. It’s fine that if you do find these perfect people to fall in love with and your husband gets on board that you be married as a quad. It’s fine that you live together and that those people become important adult figures in your children’s lives. But those people are not ever going to be your children’s parents.

I speak from a fair amount of experience with step-families. My mother moved a partner into our home soon after they became a couple and the person tried to parent my sister and I. It didn’t work. Just because my mom loves this adult, doesn’t make that adult my parent. That will be true with your children, too. You and your husband are, and will be their only parents. Anyone else will be a step-parent, and will need to negotiate those relationships in addition to the ones they would set up with you and your husband as spouses. The older the kids are when you introduce new people, the truer this will become. This isn’t to say that step-parents can’t have real relationships and authority with your kids—my stepparents are both wonderful additions to my family, and I think of them as essential to helping me grow up. But when push comes to shove, even decades later, they still aren’t my parents.

So if this ever does come to fruition, I’d advise moving very slowly with introducing them to your kids—as someone mentioned, you can go see the single parent forums and get some advice on how and when to introduce a new love interest. And, unless being selfish extends to your parent-child relationship, too, listen to them when they tell you that they hate this idea, and don’t want those people moving into your house, and want their old lives back (if they don’t feel that way for at least a little while I’d be shocked, especially since they took your separation so hard earlier). You will need to move slowly and take them into consideration, if you want good relationships with your children—both now and when they are adults.

She's here!
And so are the boys!
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#125 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
. He very much wanted and asked me to call together my neices (they are 19) to share with them this exciting idea, because he was excited to NO END.
why would he want to share this idea with your 19 year old nieces? Does he think they would make good candidates for additional wives?

I'm very confused.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#126 of 129 Old 09-27-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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Let me start out by saying that I’m not against poly relationships, although I couldn’t be in one myself (DP and I have discussed it, and are both uninterested in all of the negotiations, etc). I have friends who are in them and happy. I also think that there’s some chance that you’re not really giving your husband enough of a chance, as some others have said (sometimes I find that it’s very possible to transfer the eroticism that I feel towards strangers—dancing at a club, say—back to my partner since I know that that’s where I’m allowed to act on them). Having a hot rock climbing/martial arts partner who totally turns you on and then going home and acting out whatever with your husband might work better than you think, but if you aren’t willing to try it, it’s hard to know that for sure. And since your husband isn’t on board, you aren’t allowed to date, and you have no one in mind for this specialized and complicated quad relationship (because honestly, who is going to be attracted to a relationship with an already strained couple where one person is open about being very selfish? Especially since you say you don’t want an already-established couple so there would be no ‘primary partners’. It’s too late—you’ve already got a primary partner) this doesn’t seem like something that’s going to happen anyway.

But what I was going to say that adds something new, I think, to this conversation, is that your children need to be given some status in all of this. It’s fine that if you do find these perfect people to fall in love with and your husband gets on board that you be married as a quad. It’s fine that you live together and that those people become important adult figures in your children’s lives. But those people are not ever going to be your children’s parents.

I speak from a fair amount of experience with step-families. My mother moved a partner into our home soon after they became a couple and the person tried to parent my sister and I. It didn’t work. Just because my mom loves this adult, doesn’t make that adult my parent. That will be true with your children, too. You and your husband are, and will be their only parents. Anyone else will be a step-parent, and will need to negotiate those relationships in addition to the ones they would set up with you and your husband as spouses. The older the kids are when you introduce new people, the truer this will become. This isn’t to say that step-parents can’t have real relationships and authority with your kids—my stepparents are both wonderful additions to my family, and I think of them as essential to helping me grow up. But when push comes to shove, even decades later, they still aren’t my parents.

So if this ever does come to fruition, I’d advise moving very slowly with introducing them to your kids—as someone mentioned, you can go see the single parent forums and get some advice on how and when to introduce a new love interest. And, unless being selfish extends to your parent-child relationship, too, listen to them when they tell you that they hate this idea, and don’t want those people moving into your house, and want their old lives back (if they don’t feel that way for at least a little while I’d be shocked, especially since they took your separation so hard earlier). You will need to move slowly and take them into consideration, if you want good relationships with your children—both now and when they are adults.
SO WISE. I hope you take these words to heart, Yulia.

I'm also another who is totally confused (and a bit creeped out) as to why your dh asked you to "call together" your teenage nieces to talk about this idea for your sex life?!

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#127 of 129 Old 09-28-2010, 12:47 AM - Thread Starter
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why would he want to share this idea with your 19 year old nieces? Does he think they would make good candidates for additional wives?

I'm very confused.
No, not at all. He was NOT concidering them for a quad even for a second.
We just both call them sometimes (they are in Russia and when we call we are usually both on the line) and chat about things. I shared the quad idea with my mom and SIL (the neices' mom) and I told that to DH. He asked if I told V & V (the twin-neices) as well and when i said I didn't he wanted to call together and chat with them about the concept, wanted to share our excitement about the idea and also was curious to see what young generation thinks about the poly concept.
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#128 of 129 Old 09-28-2010, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
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SO WISE. I hope you take these words to heart, Yulia.

I'm also another who is totally confused (and a bit creeped out) as to why your dh asked you to "call together" your teenage nieces to talk about this idea for your sex life?!
there is nothing to be creeped out about. They are family and we do chat on the phone. Also they are young therefore, likely to be more open-minded about the concept in general than older generation. So he thought it would be fun sharing/discussing it with them and to know their opinion. I thought it was SO obvious that we would never think about them in the concept of our quad, that I guess I failed to spell it out. sorry...
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#129 of 129 Old 09-28-2010, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
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InMediasRes, thanks for sharing your experience. And yes, you are right, it does feel like I have to do something right now. Oh well...
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