Quad (commited union of four: 2M & 2F). WDYT? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, the title pretty much says it all: what do you think of a marriage (a commited life-long union) of four (two males & two females) instead of marriage of two?

Both, my husband and I are potentially find the idea very appiling. However, while I am ready to go for it, dh is not . He thought he would when we talked about it a couple of months ago, but now he isn't .

Anyway, just wanted to hear your oppinions and possibly experienses.
Yulia_R is offline  
#2 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 12:00 PM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think it would be overly complicated.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
#3 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 12:00 PM
 
MorgnsGrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: NE
Posts: 146
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No personal experience with it. I think it has the potential to be very rewarding, but also a lot of work! It's hard to balance life when you have a relationship with one person -- when you add in all those other relationships, I think it gets even harder. I think everyone has to be very committed to making it work, realistic about their own abilities, feelings and expectations, and willing to spend a lot of time talking through issues.
MorgnsGrl is offline  
#4 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 12:05 PM
 
candipooh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: San Bernardino, CA
Posts: 4,036
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Everyone would have to be totally on board. And on board all the way not just pretending to be on board because that it what their partner wants.
candipooh is offline  
#5 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 12:11 PM
 
kathteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,357
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In theory it sounds nice but it has the potential for so many problems especially when kids are in the mix.

I read this article--I wish I could find it for you. I think it was in ReadyMade magazine. The author was a child in this kind of situation and if I remember correctly it broke his heart when the arrangement broke up after some years and he lost his "sisters."

What about it appeals to you? (I'm asking because I really want to know.)
kathteach is offline  
#6 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 12:14 PM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,589
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think it would work out long term. But, I also think if one member is hesitant, the whole idea doesn't have a chance.
nextcommercial is offline  
#7 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 02:01 PM
 
rightkindofme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4,642
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
I think you should go find the Poly Families thread in Queer Parenting.

I know people who have done very well in quads. I have known quads where things have blown up spectacularly. You need 100% commitment from all parties and that is hard to find. It's hard to find a couple you click with like that; I mean... it's hard enough to find one person to spend your life with, let alone finding one person then another couple you perfectly match with. The odds are hard.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

rightkindofme is online now  
#8 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 02:11 PM
 
~Em~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The only arrangement like that that I have known exploded hideously - the fact that the children were never put first in the arrangement was a big turn-off for me too. I have no moral qualms about it, but when you have kids in a situation like that, their emotional needs are paramount. The odds are against you in a traditional marriage - IMO they get proportionally slimmer the more people you add into the equation.

You say you and your husband find the idea very appealing, but then that your husband is hesitant. Perhaps he really just likes the idea as a fantasy, now that he's had time to mull over the practical aspects and potential difficulties.
~Em~ is offline  
#9 of 129 Old 09-22-2010, 02:16 PM
 
Rani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Skokie IL
Posts: 909
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quads can work quite well if planned out...and I mean PLANNED...household expenses, duties, sex..all of it. Kids as PP's mentioned. You need to do research on Polyamoury and poly families first. What you may want to do, if hubby gets onboard is have a trial...don't buy a house together, rent one for 6months or a year and see how things go.

These fail because assumptions are made without communication about everything from how the cooking gets done to who pays the rent. So plan, communicate and RESEARCH!

Why don't you four take a vacation together, living in a cabin or traveling somewhere...if you can't get along for 5 days....well....
Rani is offline  
#10 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:07 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
Everyone would have to be totally on board. And on board all the way not just pretending to be on board because that it what their partner wants.
yes, this is the idea. Everyone has to be entirely on board and honest to the extreme about their feelings and concerns.
Yulia_R is offline  
#11 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathteach View Post
I read this article--I wish I could find it for you. I think it was in ReadyMade magazine. The author was a child in this kind of situation and if I remember correctly it broke his heart when the arrangement broke up after some years and he lost his "sisters."

What about it appeals to you? (I'm asking because I really want to know.)
The idea was not to have many more kids in this union. Perhaps just one more child, if any. The purpose of this union isn't having/raising more kids.

What appeals me? A lot, actually. First of all, as intellectually stimulating as my husband is for me (he is a VERY smart person, the smartest I have ever met, actually), he is not very stimulating for me physically. I am pretty advanced physically (martial arts, gymnastics, yoga, rock climbing, etc), I like extreme sports with adrenalin rushing through the blood. I need my partner to be able to challenge me at that, to be better than me, stronger than me when it comes to that matter, it is very important to me, as I realized recently. DH can not . I also am tired from an old good--but boring--vanila sex (don't get me wrong, our intimacy is satisfying for me physically, but not emotionally for the reason I have mentioned earlier...I want intensity, I want my male partner (or one of my male partners, for that matter) to be able to give me this intensity. I want this wonderful sisters-like connection with another girl. It just all sounds very special.

Furthermore, I think a marriage of four is a much more ballanced relationship (or at least has a potential to be as such). For example, in a marriage of two, in the moments when you feel angry toward your husband or "sick and tired of him" you are there stuck in it, blowing all the anger and frustration right into his face. In the marriage of four, on the other hand, there are two more people to ballance individual arguments out both with their calm uninvolved (into this particular fight) energy as well as for example lituraly taking you for a night out and letting your steam go out in a healthy way instead of blowing it at the partner you are angry with. And of course when the girls are sick and tired of boys we can go have our own night out instead, ranting and venting about the boys to each other till we both feel much better . And so on. Sleeping arrengements can be also thought in such a way that there will be a place to sleep for all of us, there will be also a bed for two or just a place for one person to crash if this is what one feels like doing. So it would really open up alot of freedome and sexual possibilities in this marriage.
erthe_mama likes this.
Yulia_R is offline  
#12 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:27 AM
 
EviesMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Earth.
Posts: 3,601
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.

Happy with my DH, 2 kids, dog, fish, and frogs
EviesMom is offline  
#13 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:35 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rani View Post
Why don't you four take a vacation together, living in a cabin or traveling somewhere...if you can't get along for 5 days....well....
Vacation would be a good idea, I thought of that. If dh ever ready for a quad and once we find the two potential condidates, I think this is exactly what we should do .
Yulia_R is offline  
#14 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.
Few things to point out here.
Cohousing is a term for a community-minded neighborhood, has nothing to do with a status of one marriage. It's a matter of fact, for the past three years we have been living in a co-housing near Boulder (once again it has nothing to do with anything except with a fact that people in a co-housing are very community minded. Everyone owns their own house).
Second, I do not want finding a couple. It just does not feel right. DH and I is a couple already, nothing can be done about it. But I think it is not the best dinamics to try to integrate other people into the union of two. Ideally, it would be four different people coming together into the union. Unfortunately, since this is impossible (since we are a couple already), at least we can try to have two other people who aren't yet a couple. Not sure if I am going a good job at explaining the reasons behind it, but it makes sense to me and dh (once I pointed this out to him, he 'got it' and agreed with me on this).
And yes, no one should be forced into this. Quad would never work without 100% honesty.
Yulia_R is offline  
#15 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:46 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.
How/where can I find it? I'd love to read the thread. I typed "poly" in the search, but got nothing
Yulia_R is offline  
#16 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:54 AM
 
EviesMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Earth.
Posts: 3,601
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
Few things to point out here.
Cohousing is a term for a community-minded neighborhood, has nothing to do with a status of one marriage.
I've been poly for 13 years, so I know what the terms are. I've never had any interest in living with anyone besides DH. Living with others is a different kind of dynamic, and I think of it as having to do with housing/parenting expectations versus those of open marriage situations.

Consider carefully the challenge involved in finding people and really looking at what the other partners-- your DH and both of the other potential partners would get out of such a relationship. It can work, but every additional adult in a household quadruples the complexity in my experience.

Happy with my DH, 2 kids, dog, fish, and frogs
EviesMom is offline  
#17 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:56 AM
 
luvmybaby333's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think there's anything wrong with quad relationships at all... I do think they have the potential to become very complicated, but that's true of almost any romantic arrangement. Like others, I think that in order for things to go smoothly EVERYONE has to be on board 100%. This can't be something agreed to for the sake of keeping a partner happy. This has to be something that all four parties deeply desire on their own.

However, I'll be honest. It sounds very much like you are not satisfied with your relationship with your husband. You are dissatisfied with things that apparently can't or won't change. I really do not thing adding 2 more people to your relationship is going to improve anything in that respect. If anything (and it sounds like your husband may have realized this over the past couple months), it has the potential to be quite devastating to your husband. When you turn to others for so much of your needed stimulation, but reserve the "intelligent conversation" for him. Just the fact of knowing he's not enough would be incredibly hurtful and detrimental to any sort of healthy relationship, IMO.

I'm me. In love with this guy. We're bringing up two girls: Big A (8) and Little A (3)

luvmybaby333 is offline  
#18 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 09:59 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
I've been poly for 13 years, so I know what the terms are. I've never had any interest in living with anyone besides DH. Living with others is a different kind of dynamic, and I think of it as having to do with housing/parenting expectations versus those of open marriage situations.

Consider carefully the challenge involved in finding people and really looking at what the other partners-- your DH and both of the other potential partners would get out of such a relationship. It can work, but every additional adult in a household quadruples the complexity in my experience.
Sorry about correcting about co-housing. It just we live in a co-housing community and everyone gets upset when people think that a concept of a co-housing is a religion/poly/or any other concept that unites those people (because there isn't one except that all those people want to live in a community where people know their neighbors and are ready to offer a supporting shoulder to their neighbors when one is in need of it).
Yulia_R is offline  
#19 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmybaby333 View Post
I don't think there's anything wrong with quad relationships at all... I do think they have the potential to become very complicated, but that's true of almost any romantic arrangement. Like others, I think that in order for things to go smoothly EVERYONE has to be on board 100%. This can't be something agreed to for the sake of keeping a partner happy. This has to be something that all four parties deeply desire on their own.

However, I'll be honest. It sounds very much like you are not satisfied with your relationship with your husband. You are dissatisfied with things that apparently can't or won't change. I really do not thing adding 2 more people to your relationship is going to improve anything in that respect. If anything (and it sounds like your husband may have realized this over the past couple months), it has the potential to be quite devastating to your husband. When you turn to others for so much of your needed stimulation, but reserve the "intelligent conversation" for him. Just the fact of knowing he's not enough would be incredibly hurtful and detrimental to any sort of healthy relationship, IMO.


Well, you are right. DH does not want the quad idea to be an escape from our problems. And yes, he does know about my need for the intensity and the physical stimulation.
I though think if I can get that from the other partner (or both other partners) it can make things beautiful.
Yulia_R is offline  
#20 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 10:10 AM
 
EviesMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Earth.
Posts: 3,601
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Here's the current poly families thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=poly

If you search on "poly" in Advanced Search and check off "Queer Parenting" as the subforum, you should find the threads you're looking for.

I know cohousing means something different, but I do know triads that live together and triads that although they have had a marriage ceremony, live apart. Differentiating the two for me is the housing situation. (I only know a quad that lives apart). Sharing physical space with more people adds complexity on top of that added by the long term commitment. Can you start with arranging ways outside of your marriage to meet some of your other needs, like an exercise partner? It just sounds like from couple unsure about poly to quad is an awfully big leap to start. Try a non-romantic exercise partner, maybe then a romantic situation, let it grow a little slower.

Happy with my DH, 2 kids, dog, fish, and frogs
EviesMom is offline  
#21 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 10:31 AM
 
MeepyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,765
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 53 Post(s)
I've been in an open marriage for 8 years, and active in my local polyamorous community for longer. Gently, I think you are on the wrong track here. If you're thinking about this, but don't have two actual, interesting and interested people in mind, than it's pretty much just pie-in-the-sky fantasizing. There's nothing wrong with that, but know it for what it is. You cannot get your partner meaningfully on board right now because there is no board.

You need intensity and physical stimulation, but I'm not sold on the notion that committing yourself and your husband to two additional people is going to provide that for you, without also introducing new needs and problems into the relationship(s) that you have. Your new partners will have needs, they will desire things of you and your husband, you will have to give them a lot, and no one has infinite time or emotional and sexual energy.

If you find that you need intensity, etc., and your husband is open to the idea, I think your best bet is to find some people that you, and you alone, can casually date. That should give you a chance for the physical stimulation you want, when and as you want it, with minimal demands placed on you, your spouse, and the people you're dating.
MeepyCat is online now  
#22 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 12:17 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
Here's the current poly families thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=poly

If you search on "poly" in Advanced Search and check off "Queer Parenting" as the subforum, you should find the threads you're looking for.

I know cohousing means something different, but I do know triads that live together and triads that although they have had a marriage ceremony, live apart. Differentiating the two for me is the housing situation. (I only know a quad that lives apart). Sharing physical space with more people adds complexity on top of that added by the long term commitment. Can you start with arranging ways outside of your marriage to meet some of your other needs, like an exercise partner? It just sounds like from couple unsure about poly to quad is an awfully big leap to start. Try a non-romantic exercise partner, maybe then a romantic situation, let it grow a little slower.
Thanks for the link!
Unfortunately, I can't really start anything with anyone neither myself nor with dh since dh isn't ready for a quad. And no, we aren't interested in swinging or open marriage (at least dh isn't interested AT ALL; open marriage would work well for me though, but oh well...). So we really are interested in expanding our family, rather than just having some ocasional fun with other people. And yes, living together is part of it, part of this commitment. The idea works for both of us, it's just dh says he is not ready at this moment ...
Yulia_R is offline  
#23 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 12:32 PM
 
rightkindofme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4,642
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
If you aren't allowed to casually date then how to you think you would ever find people to form a long-term commitment with? I've been around/involved with poly to one degree or another (I go through monogamous periods) for 11 years. I've never ever seen an insta-relationship turn out well. In an insta-relationship (going from not dating to 'married') you are not really having interactions with a person you are having interactions with your fantasies about that person. No good can come of that.

Quite frankly if you can't date you can't add anyone to your life in a realistic way. I think this just isn't going to happen for you, sorry.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

rightkindofme is online now  
#24 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 12:37 PM
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 12,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my friend has a bf and a dh, they are looking for a 4th and have been together 7 years. a quad is my ideal situation.
Posted via Mobile Device

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is offline  
#25 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 12:49 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
If you find that you need intensity, etc., and your husband is open to the idea, I think your best bet is to find some people that you, and you alone, can casually date. That should give you a chance for the physical stimulation you want, when and as you want it, with minimal demands placed on you, your spouse, and the people you're dating.
That was EXACTLY what I first proposed to DH. Unfortunately, he straight forward completely and totally against of it . That would be, of course, an ideal situation, but oh well...
Yulia_R is offline  
#26 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 12:51 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
If you aren't allowed to casually date then how to you think you would ever find people to form a long-term commitment with? I've been around/involved with poly to one degree or another (I go through monogamous periods) for 11 years. I've never ever seen an insta-relationship turn out well. In an insta-relationship (going from not dating to 'married') you are not really having interactions with a person you are having interactions with your fantasies about that person. No good can come of that.

Quite frankly if you can't date you can't add anyone to your life in a realistic way. I think this just isn't going to happen for you, sorry.
I know, this is a tricky part, isn't it . Perhaps once DH is ready to move on a quad, he will be ok with us wondering outside the marriage looking for the right people.
Yulia_R is offline  
#27 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 01:04 PM
 
Selesai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Keeping it all together
Posts: 1,725
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that you should more directly address the issues you have with your husband as your partner, and your marriage in general. You say he is very intellectually stimulating, but does not stimulate you in other ways. Are those deal breakers? Can you find a way to dial down the intensity of one of your physical activities and enjoy it with him? Can you find some good friends (non-sexual) who would share those activities with you?

I don't think any partner is going to give you 100% of what you need, but I also don't think they are supposed to.
Selesai is offline  
#28 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 01:38 PM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,628
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I think that you should more directly address the issues you have with your husband as your partner, and your marriage in general. You say he is very intellectually stimulating, but does not stimulate you in other ways. Are those deal breakers? Can you find a way to dial down the intensity of one of your physical activities and enjoy it with him? Can you find some good friends (non-sexual) who would share those activities with you?

I don't think any partner is going to give you 100% of what you need, but I also don't think they are supposed to.
This. Full disclosure, poly is not something that would ever happen in my marriage. It would be completely unacceptable due to faith and personal reasons. So I am looking at this from the perspective of the spouse who would be saying "No".

Some of these issues are not sexual, do you need to add sexual/lifetime partners into the mix in order to get them met?? I thought it was interesting that someone who is living a poly lifestyle pointed out what I immediately thought--in adding two more people, you will be adding complexity to the relationship, and they will have needs too. From your post it looks like you are wanting this for yourself. The fact is, when you have any sort of committment or partnership, you have to be a giver as well. Are you prepared to add two more relationships to which you will need to give as much as you take, in order to keep them healthy? Are you currently practicing this sort of giving and need-meeting with your husband, as well as looking to have your needs met?
cappuccinosmom is offline  
#29 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
This. Full disclosure, poly is not something that would ever happen in my marriage. It would be completely unacceptable due to faith and personal reasons. So I am looking at this from the perspective of the spouse who would be saying "No".

Some of these issues are not sexual, do you need to add sexual/lifetime partners into the mix in order to get them met?? I thought it was interesting that someone who is living a poly lifestyle pointed out what I immediately thought--in adding two more people, you will be adding complexity to the relationship, and they will have needs too. From your post it looks like you are wanting this for yourself. The fact is, when you have any sort of committment or partnership, you have to be a giver as well. Are you prepared to add two more relationships to which you will need to give as much as you take, in order to keep them healthy? Are you currently practicing this sort of giving and need-meeting with your husband, as well as looking to have your needs met?
Yes, I am prepared to give. I fully understand that the additional two people will have their needs as well and that the universe does not rotate just around my needs.

To answer some other questions. Yes, I do want that physical stimulation and intensity go along with sexual intensity. Having just an activity partner would be nice, but to me this is sort of like being a vegitarian: it will keep you alive but it will never satisfy your true passion and needs.

Not having it is not a deal breaker at this point, but I do not feel fully alive and happy without it. For now I can just suck it up and deal with that. Would it be a deal breaker in the future? Most likely!
Yulia_R is offline  
#30 of 129 Old 09-23-2010, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
Yulia_R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lafayette, CO
Posts: 3,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
my friend has a bf and a dh, they are looking for a 4th and have been together 7 years. a quad is my ideal situation.
Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks! If you don't mind sharing, do they live together? are they planning to live togther after they find thr forth person? Do they have kids together? Can CPS interfere on the grounds of "a quad being a bad influence to the kids" or something simular to that?

Lots of questions, sorry...
Yulia_R is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off