"He looks nothing like you..." - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-30-2010, 02:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, so I'm the gestational parent and we intentionally picked a donor who looks like my wife.  

 

So, today, MOST awkward conversation ever...

 

By the carts at the grocery store I run into a mom I'd met at the park a couple of months ago.  She's chatty, I'm looking to make mom friends, we exchange #s.  I thought I'd mentioned my wife when last we met...but apparently not.

 

"He looks nothing like you, he must look like your husband"

 

"Actually, I'm married to a woman...but, it's funny, he looks a lot like my partner.  There must be a donor running around California somewhere who looks just like her..."

 

AWKWARD.  

 

cue, nervous laughter.

 

So, how do folks handle stuff like this?  (I know even folks who have genetic material in their kids can look nothing like them...so I'm figuring I'm just being extra sensitive)


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Old 11-30-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Wow. I don't think I would know how to handle that either, except to be genuine like you were. Then the awkwardness.

 

Really, I cannot imagine how someone telling you that your child looks nothing like you would expect it turn out. Is there a non-awkward rejoinder to that? One of our children looks very different than both my dp and me (but then we made another with some similar features), and people sometimes comment on that, which I have always found bizarre, like what is that comment intended to accomplish? Small talk? It's so great for the child to hear that s/he looks like the odd one... Grrrrrr....

 

I think you responded sensibly. You don't have to rescue people from their mis-steps in communication, but you were very kind to do so anyway. :)


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Old 11-30-2010, 02:34 PM
 
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crashing (partnered with a man) because this interests me.

 

DD1 looked like her dad at birth and is now my image, literally, you cannot discern her photois from pics of me at her age.

 

DD2 is also so like her dad that people have said to me "wow, you sure she's yours!?".

 

My MW told me that she notices babies generally look very like their father at birth, she feels as a mechanism to aid bonding with the parent which ISN'T having the cascading hormones which help so much with bonding.  She says it's so our partners will stick around and help us out long enough that they fall in love with the littly :)

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Old 12-11-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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My DD looks a LOT like our donor (we used a KD so know what he looks like) except for her eyes. People often ask me "did you have curly hair as a baby?" (DD is getting curls already). I say "no, I have always had really straight hair" and leave it at that. This is usually from people who know we used a donor though. I have never had anyone say she doesn't look like me that doesn't know me. That seems sort of rude actually. I think you handled it very well.


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Old 12-12-2010, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone!  We used an anonymous donor (sperm bank) who must be my DW's twin...because seriously!  It's always good to know that we're not the only one's in this boat!


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Old 12-16-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wishin'&hopin' View Post

<snip>

 

"He looks nothing like you, he must look like your husband"

 

</snip>

 

Is it just me, or is this a terribly rude thing to say?

 

I think your response to her was perfect. :)
 


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Old 12-18-2010, 09:04 AM
 
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My son is now my carbon copy mini-me, but when he was younger, he looked EXACTLY like my partner. The LC, the nurses, and the OB (who signed the forms for delivery of the sperm!) told us in the hospital, "Wow! he is a perfect mix of you both." We would look a little confused and say something like, "yeah, we must have really hit the jackpot because we tried to find a donor who looked like C." The health care professionals were all mortified. When a close friend would comment on it, I would usually say, "yeah, I think C must have spit in the vial."

 

We get tons and tons of questions about DS "looking like Daddy" which I think are usually motivated by people trying to figure out what his ethnicity is--he is obviously mixed race, and people want to know. I usually say, "Well, his donor was African American, but we don't know what the donor looks like other than obviously being really tall and absolutely adorable!" We try to model language and responses for DS as he gets older. Now that he is older, he usually announces with some scorn, "I don't have a dad!" and the person gets really flustered and looks my wedding ring, and stammers, so I say, "No, no, it's fine! you would have no way of knowing I am married to a woman. DS was conceived with donor sperm."

 

My brother gets it a lot with his three children who are also mixed race. People are rude--"Where did you get them?" "they look nothing like you." (they do, except for their Asian features). I usually smile and say, "Their mother, my SIL, is from Hong Kong." My brother says, "My wife is from Hong Kong." My mom is more apt to tell people to go suck it.

 

My favorite story was the time my partner (AA) and my 5 year old niece (Asian) were walking hand in hand at a neighborhood festival near my dad's house. An older white woman came up to my partner, "Oh, she's beautiful! Where was she born?" and my partner looked absolutely confused and said, "ummmm, Scarsdale? I think..."

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Old 12-18-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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Well... our situation is a bit different. DP and I are African American and our daughter is Asian (she was born to us via embryo donation). When I am alone, most people assume that I am married to an Asian man because I do not "look" gay. Anyways, I just tell people that my partner is Black and she was conceived using donor embryos.

 

I personally do not see it as rude when people say that because most of the time, their intentions are good and they are just trying to be nice. We stand out a lot (after all, how many Black people have you seen with an Asian kid?) so its only natural that people are curious.

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Old 12-19-2010, 01:55 PM
 
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The thing is though, that it shouldn't matter, imo. A family is a family is a family.

 

 

 

 

Wishin', you handled that so well! Just the right amount of cheekiness. lol


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