Am I the most selfish person in the world? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-09-2011, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is the deal. I am 5 monhts preggo with our 2nd boy. The first is from a  previous (straight) relationship. My DP and I had agreed we wanted to each carry one baby. She didn't feel ready to do it first and I am older so I got preggo first. WELL now that we are about to be a family of 4 I am not sure if I want to be a family of 5. Like ever. I like the idea of having 2 boys, I am the "money maker" in the family and the nature of my job is that I get paid enough to nearly support (she works too) a family of 4 with about 25 hours a week. This gives me a lot of options and allows me to work evenings and weekends to ensure our kids are almost always in care of family or friends instead of a daycare(which I refuse) If we add to the family I will have to work full time for sure leaving me with much less time with the kids we already have. I just feel this is silly. I don't want to take her right to bear a child away from her because it is a wonderous thing but I REALLY don't think I want any more babies after this. Do I suck? Should I suck it up and deal with it because it is what SHE wants even though I am not sure it is best for our family? I have been open and honest and she thinks it is hormonal. I feel I am thinking quite rationally. Opinions? thoughts?


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#2 of 9 Old 03-09-2011, 05:09 PM
 
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I think this is really a hard spot to be in.  I don't think it's selfish to feel what you feel.  But it might be selfish to make a decision in your mind/heart about this issue without allowing the time/space for you both to create together a good response to a difficult situation.  Clearly, you both need to talk about things.  

 

If I were you, I'd seek some relationship counseling on this one. A neutral third party can help you both navigate this and hopefully find a path forward that will work for both of you.

 

Good luck.  


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#3 of 9 Old 03-09-2011, 08:08 PM
 
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Honestly?  Yes, I think you should "suck it up and deal with it because it is what SHE wants even though [you are] not sure it is best for [your] family."  From what you have written, it sounds like your partner agreed to you being pregnant first with the clear expectation that she would have a turn.  Changing things now that it's to late for her to go first is really, really unfair to her.

 

You can talk to your partner.  Maybe she will agree to just two kids.  Maybe she will convince you to change your mind.  Maybe neither of you will give in, and your relationship will end.  Or you can deal with your feelings and come to terms with the possibility that your family won't have the exact number of children you consider ideal.  That happens to straight families all the time, and most of them manage to deal with it and have happy lives.

 

Something else to think about is the fact that you've changed you mind about family size once - you may change it again.  I know a lot of people that had a sudden desire for baby 2/3/4 when baby 1/2/3 hit about 12 months.

 

ETA: I don't think you're the most selfish person in the world - just a human, like everyone else.


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#4 of 9 Old 03-09-2011, 08:45 PM
 
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As a mom who "went second" and was terrified I'd lose my shot (there always seem to be reasons that second go "isn't a good idea"), this is a very hot button issue for me. A pregnancy for your partner was part of the deal, and I do think ultimately you'll need to follow through and support her.

 

BUT. You are only 5 months pregnant right now. Take a deep breath. Settle in as a family of four. There is time. Some of the worry/wondering may be more about the transition from three to four than about a possibility of five.

 

We had always planned on each carrying (I went second b/c my wife was older). My wife was very committed to a second child for our family, and not chomping at the bit for another try herself, and STILL she was on a slower schedule than I was for getting to round two. After we'd worked through stuff, it was clear that we both had two desires. First was to become a mom and second was to carry a pregnancy and give birth. She met both her goals with the first pregnancy, whereas I only met one. Thankfully my wife did step up, and was great through my pregnancy, but it did take a little gentle prodding. The pressures and power dynamics around this stuff are tricky. As the pregnant mom, you likely do have more power in the relationship right now, perhaps even more so if you earn much of the money, so be cautious.

 

Also, in terms of cost, we've thought through costs of three, and for us the primary (and possibly deal breaking) cost would be part time daycare. If you really are able to arrange to shuffle and split care to avoid daycare, then the cost difference for three might not be as big as you think. But I doubt cost is the primary issue here.

 

I just mentioned your question to my wife, who was in the shoes analogous to yours, and she says the following: "I wouldn't discount that more may be going on here than you rationally thinking that four is the right size for your family (there are always plenty of logical reasons not to have another kid). Transitioning from being a bio-mom to being a non-bio-mom is challenging, so you might want to explore whether maybe you're having some worries about parenting a child you didn't carry." I'll add to that that I could see such feelings possibly being even stronger during pregnancy. 

 

One last thing in terms of keeping communication on good terms, if you can come to conversations on this with a clear commitment to your partner, that you understand it's important to her, and thus it's important to you, and that you will work it out, she might be able to listen to you, instead of only thinking "She's taking this way from me. Crap. I'm going to lose my shot" (which is what I would have been thinking in her shoes. And then would have proceeded to blow my top.)

 

 

 


I'm Lyn (32) wife to Gail (38) Mama to Leigh (born 6/06 ,via Gail) and Ira (born 5/09, via me)
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#5 of 9 Old 03-09-2011, 09:48 PM
 
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I agree with the last 2 PP....if it is something you discussed then you need to follow through. I also agree that it's probably a better conversation to have when you're closer ttc time again - not when you're pregnant and she's not! Your feelings may change too.


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#6 of 9 Old 03-10-2011, 07:14 AM
 
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I'm just curious of the cost of the third child, after the cost of conception?  I kind of think number 1 costs the most, numbers 2 and 3 get hand me downs.  I agree that daycare is the biggest cost and if it's avoidable, why would the third cost anything beyond medical bills a new car seat and the ocasional swim lessons?  My kids cost hardly anything, I'm not sure if thats a function of living in the sticks or just having little extra to spend. 

 

I personally would not worry about it just yet (you're pregnant, how can you not?)  


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#7 of 9 Old 03-10-2011, 07:33 AM
 
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My number one advice is to NEVER make a life changing decision like this when pregnant....so much is going on with your body...hormones and also just the physical and emotional stress that comes with being pregnant.  

 

I would just let your partner know what you are thinking but also that NOTHING needs to be set in stone right this second.  I do think after this Little one gets here and you are still have these feelings even after the PP period is over...make sure you let your hormones and your body get back to some what normal first...maybe then sit down and have a heart to heart together. 

 

On the cost of a third child...well Right now I only have 2...but I am preggo with #3 and #4...and honestly the cost isn't to bad...even with twins.  Like you daycare is not an issue...I breastfeed so  no cost there...we cloth diaper part time so that cuts the cost of diapers way down...oh and don't get rid of any baby stuff...we got rid of almost everything thinking we were done...so we did have to buy a few baby items. 


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#8 of 9 Old 03-10-2011, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks guys for your input. Chels read the posts and was like "see baby you are just crazy because you are pregnant" haha. I tend to be incredibly over anxious and need to have everything planned out for years in advance. I am not worried about parenting a non biological child, I see the relationships she has with our kiddo #1 and she wasn't even there until he was 6 months old! In a lot of ways they are closer than he and I.

As far as the cost goes, I am not sure if I can find someone to watch all three kids FULL time, actually  I am certain I won't be able to manage that. I really don't want to work full time and take the time away from H and L. Selfish or not that is a fact. She works full time as it is and neither of us want our kids to be in daycare all day long. Kids are expensive, sure they get some hand me downs but the insurance alone is staggering. Canada we are not ;) I know finances are always an issue but one i would like to have figured out before deciding to "for sure" have another one.

All in all I just needed to get out my feelings to someone that is not sitting across the table from me super pissed.........

It will either happen or it won't. It really is that simple. We communicate well and we will figure it out together:)


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#9 of 9 Old 03-11-2011, 12:46 PM
 
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I agree that you shouldn't try to make any big decisions while you're pregnant.  And there's nothing to say that you can't wait five years before having baby #3 also! Career-wise you could be in a completely different space in five years, in addition to having two kids in elementary school and only needing to find family care for the baby..

There's a lot out in the world that could happen in the future.. I try to remind myself not to "borrow trouble" from the future.. I'm a worrier, and I would just send myself into a tailspin if I tried to plan it all out!


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