Any Trans families out there? (x-posted in finding your tribe) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 34 Old 10-14-2011, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi there, all the other threads on this seem to be realllllly old and locked so I thought I'd start a new one.

 

Anyway, any trans families out there? I'm Kate (genetic female queer type) I'm married to Justin/Liz ( MTF ) we have one 8mo DD, Caileigh and are hoping to connect with other families with similar experiances. About us, we've been friends for about 7 years, dating for 3 and married for two years this october, I met my DP as Liz before I ever met Justin and the running gag among our friends is that I only married Justin so that I could cheat on him with Liz. lolROTFLMAO.gif 

 

DP is not on hormones/had any surgeries but definetly passes as female when dressed, and though the idea of starting HRT had come up I think he's worried about how transitioning will affect DD (not so much right now, but later in life). My thought on this is that it's better to keep everything out in the open with her and not hide anything so that there's no "big secret" that she later has to be told or discover by accident - the same way some people have brown hair and some people have red hair or some people like to wear long skirts and some people like to wear pants, it's just one more thing that makes everyone different from each other and not a big deal.... Any other opinions ideas or comments on the subject are most appreciated.

 

 


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#2 of 34 Old 10-14-2011, 12:52 PM
 
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we are a trans family in the making! lol i actually had my first insemination this afternoon!

 

my husband is a FTM transman. we just got married (a month ago...) but have been talking about having kids for 3 years so when we finally tied the knot, we decided to start right away.

 

its been mixed emotions and questions from excited to nervousness and absolute joy to asking ourselves "are we crazy?!?!?"...but then we go back to excitement.

 

have you checked out transqueernation.com? our friends are actually the founders of that site...

 

 

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#3 of 34 Old 10-14-2011, 01:09 PM
 
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Hi and welcome! I'm not in a trans family situation, but I wanted to chime in and say that I think your approach is going to be by far the best for your daughter. My mom came out as a lesbian when I was in high school and my approach (telling people I knew well enough the truth, not being ashamed or hiding things) worked out a LOT better overall than my sister's (pretend our stepmom was an aunt, lie whenever pressed, worry all the time that someone might figure it out). She got over it once she got to college, but I find that the truth is easier than keeping a big secret. Good luck figuring out the best way going forward!

She's here!
And so are the boys!
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#4 of 34 Old 10-14-2011, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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JanandJesse - yeah, I know what you mean about the crazy part,  but then again, we're pretty happy even in our insanity so it's all good. Congrats on your IVF I'll keep my fingers crossed for youthumb.gif

 

Prettyisa - That was my thought. When Justin and I first started dating I tried (for like a week) not to tell my mom that he was transgendered (and almost eleven years older than me) but she can smell lies like most people smell dog poo and when it all came out, she was actually more worried about the age difference, she didn't care at all about the trans thing other than to be offended that I thought she would! lol.

 

As of now the only problem with that approach is that not all of his friends know. Our friends from college do, as do most of my friends, but he's worked in contracting/ construction companies and made several friends there who don't know (acording to him, I'm pretty damn sure that his good friend/boss knows and just doesn't bring it up) and friends he made when he lived near  his parents that also don't know (all construction/ car guy types who he's sure will want nothing to do with him if they found out). I guess he worries that when DD is a few years older, that she will make a comment or say something to out him if he isn't already.Howevever, having met all these people myself and known them for several years I really don't think that would be the case.


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#5 of 34 Old 10-14-2011, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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On a lighter note - YAY! Responses! Sheepish.gif


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#6 of 34 Old 10-17-2011, 08:06 PM
 
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I believe being honest is best for children and for your own sanity. Every person has their own relationship to their identity though.

Hi! My husband is FTM and we tried to get pregnant using artificial insemination for almost 2 years before we stopped and are now moving on to the adoption process. We are still working on our paperwork.

We have decided as a family to always be upfront and talk about our biology as well as my personal queer identity. We hope to raise our child in an environment of education and stability. I do know people who are FTM who plan to never tell their child. For me, I would fear when (if) they find out they would feel betrayed and angry. I know as I child I hated being lied to, so I would will always try to be as honest as possible with mine.

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#7 of 34 Old 10-19-2011, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maxK View Post
. I do know people who are FTM who plan to never tell their child. For me, I would fear when (if) they find out they would feel betrayed and angry. I know as I child I hated being lied to, so I would will always try to be as honest as possible with mine.

 

I remember being mad at my parents for lying about santa being real for so long, (I was nine when I found out) I just couldn't believe that they would do that, so I can only imagine how being lied to about something this important would feel.

  I don't think it ever really crossed our minds to lie to her, but DP was very worried about it, and I suppose I'm hoping for more ways to reassure her that if we're open about it from the start it'll be a non-issue.


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#8 of 34 Old 10-19-2011, 05:17 PM
 
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Kate,
I have seen many children grow up in alternative households here in San Francisco. Whatever the situation is, when they are with their family they will feel everything is normal. It's only when they interact with other kids, who have a different impression of 'normal', that they realize they might be different. As we are adopting too, we want to normalize our child's adoption right from the start. At any given time, children face pressures from their peers but with a strong support in place I think most children can decide on their own when they want to share personal information with their friends.
I wish you all luck.
Max

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#9 of 34 Old 10-24-2011, 10:50 AM
 
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Hi all - My DP is trans (FTM), and I'm 16.5 weeks pregnant with our first baby.  While he has done all the medical and legal transitioning he cares to do and easily passes as male, we are very out and active in the queer community.  We plan to be very open about DP's trans identity with our child, just as we currently are with people we care about.  I honestly couldn't even imagine the energy it would to take to hide it from our LO or the possible ramifications of doing so.  I generally think honestly is best, even when it is hard.  


 

 

 

 

 

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#10 of 34 Old 11-02-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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Hi all,

 

My DP is also trans (FTM), and, like southernfriedkarma, even though he's legally male etc, we're still very much queer identified and part of the queer community. I'd love to have a forum to talk more about what this means for our family as our daughter (now 7.5 months old) grows, as we start talking to her about sex and gender, and as we sort out how to talk about our family at home and out in the world.

 

We agree that honesty is best, of course, and we're certainly open about DP with our friends and allies, but we also know that there are many nuanced situations that we'll all have to figure out together.

 

Looking forward to building community here and hearing about all of your families.

 

Beastie


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#11 of 34 Old 11-19-2011, 12:19 PM
 
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Hey everybody,

 I mostly joined this site because I saw this thread and was happy to see these responses. 

 I'm a transwoman who's transitioning while my partner is pregnant with our first. We ask around whenever we can but haven't ever heard of anyone in quite the same situation. 

 We haven't really talked specifically about how we'll deal with my male past when the kid's older but I don't imagine we'll hide much. As I've come out to everyone, I was surprised (but happy) to find that all of my family and friends are supportive so we'll be keeping a lot of relationships with people who knew me as a guy. I think it'll just be a part of the story of our family.

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#12 of 34 Old 11-26-2011, 06:40 PM
 
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Hi all! I'm currently dealing with my own gender issues, something I began confronting consciously after DS was born. I'm contemplating the possibility of transitioning after he weans, maybe with T, or maybe just top surgery, and a name change. It's scary, I have no idea how my relationships will weather it, or the kids; etc.

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#13 of 34 Old 12-05-2011, 06:40 AM
 
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I am married to an FTM.  We have been married almost 2 years and have decided to get the ball going (in two weeks for our first try!) to have a baby.  I don't really know many other transfamilies in my area and would love to have some type of community, on the net or otherwise. Happy to see this thread!

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#14 of 34 Old 12-06-2011, 01:13 PM
 
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Ravin - That must be so much to work through with a little one.  I don't know of anyone online, but we have a local friend who transitioned when his son was in elementary school.  Everyone is happy and healthy now, so it can be done successfully.  Do you have a therapist or a good support system?

 

Welcome, Normajean!  Best of luck to you and your partner.  


 

 

 

 

 

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#15 of 34 Old 12-10-2011, 07:34 PM
 
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Hey there!  My partner is trans/genderqueer (no hormones or surgery - he appears very androgynous) and we are trying to have a  baby!  I just had my first IUI yesterday.  I'm excited to connect with other queer/trans families out there!  Thank you for starting this thread and I hope to be connecting with you  more in the future!


Queer parent on the adventure of a lifetime raising my sweet little guy, born at home in September 2012, with the love of my life by my side!
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#16 of 34 Old 12-22-2011, 10:38 AM
 
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My husband is trans FTM. We have 1 daughter and working on a second child. He is not out to anyone but me. But we use the term daddy for our daughter and use he pronouns in the house. Our family has seemed to caught on to the he and daddy when referencing him to our daughter, though they get mixed up when referencing him to just me because they still think he is a she. Our daughter is 3, so she isn't quite to the point of being aware of specific gender differences... We plan on raising our children with a high awareness of gender stereotypes, and we will have the discussion of my husband's identity when it comes time. Right now we are just trying to make it as simple as possible for our daughter.

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#17 of 34 Old 02-07-2012, 10:50 AM
 
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I identify as part of the trans spectrum, some variant of genderqueer, but don't mind whatever pronouns someone wants to use for me, and I don't plan to go the hormones or surgery route.  I'm not a parent yet, but I spend a lot of time with other folks' kids, and they tend to understand, even at 2 and 3, that not everybody is a girl or a boy.  One three year old says I'm "a little bit a girl and a little bit a boy."  Another friend's kid says "sometimes you're a girl," or "today you are a boy."  I generally just agree with whatever their assessment is, or else if I'm feeling bratty, I ask them if they're sure.

 

So probably my kids will have a pretty flexible view of gender in general, and with my other trans friends as a part of hypothetical-kid's life as well, I would think it would be normalized.  Really, it's my kids' friends' parents I'd be worried about!

 

That said, my reason for writing is that I really resonated with the santa comparison!  I was pretty old when I found out, and felt completely betrayed, like I couldn't trust my parents ever again.  I think I'm a bit scarred about it, and definitely don't plan to tell my kids that santa really exists.  Probably talk about santa as a symbol, or that there's a little santa in each of us when we give to others, or something like that.

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#18 of 34 Old 02-09-2012, 03:37 PM
 
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I would like to chime in regarding when to tell children about these private family matters. 

 

I believe the earlier you tell children about these things the better.

Secrets, no matter how well intentioned, are a bad, bad thing. And kids always know that there's something not quite right.

It reminds me of the many studies done with children who are adopted (and not told until they were 'older'), children conceived using donor eggs or sperm (and not told until they were 'older') and children from alternative families of many descriptions who grew up without clear explanations or understanding of the issues central to their family.

Most parents who wait to explain to their kids do so out of love, because they want to protect them, because they feel the kids aren't ready. But the studies show over and over again that kids who find out 'the family secret' at age 8 or 12 or 15 when they are 'old enough to understand' find the experience traumatic and isolating.  Many feel betrayed or lied to. The trust with their parents is often damaged.

Kids who 'always knew' or don't remember ever not knowing absorb this information easily and naturally, and it becomes part of who they are and how they see themselves and their family.

 

Children as young as 2 or 3 years old understand gender on an instinctive level. They know. They may not have sophisticated language, but I've heard 'you're a girl like me but a little bit boy, too' and 'she's not a girl like mommie. She's a girl like '(insert genderqueer nursery assistant name)' but more girl than that'.

Absolutely accurate assessments each time, in the language of a 3 year old girl.


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#19 of 34 Old 02-11-2012, 09:54 AM
 
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Quote:
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I've heard 'you're a girl like me but a little bit boy, too' and 'she's not a girl like mommie. She's a girl like '(insert genderqueer nursery assistant name)' but more girl than that'.

Absolutely accurate assessments each time, in the language of a 3 year old girl.


So cute and so nuanced!  Grown-ups totally underestimate kids' ability to grasp "complicated" concepts.  Maybe it's only complicated for people who learn about it when they're older and have to go through a paradigm shift in order to incorporate it.  Like learning a new language as an adult vs growing up bilingual?

 

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#20 of 34 Old 02-20-2012, 10:48 PM
 
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hello all...my partner is genderqueer, and i'm femme.  we tried like hell (for 3 yrs.) to get pregnant, but no such luck! (really, really hard). we are currently in the process of adoption (domestic, open) and i'm struggling.  it feels like my partner is hard for the agency staff to "get".  they end up viewing her as uninvolved/uninterested.  i'm quite sure that if i had a husband, they wouldn't expect so much and would understand that whole thing where the guy is usually a bit less obviously excited about the prospect of having a baby. i feel like they don't know how to read her.  the whole thing makes me feel anxious and sad.  i feel judged and protective of her.  and on another but related note, we are trying to figure out what our kid should call her.  she'd be so happy with "daddy" but i am concerned that because she is not officially male or transitioned, and seems just female enough, that it would cause issues for our kid later.  i just don't want to pile on the challenges.  i remember childhood well....being too different is highly uncomfortable.  anyway, that's my story!  thanks for all of your postings....

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#21 of 34 Old 02-20-2012, 10:54 PM
 
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btw, forgot to mention that we are married.  spiritually and legally (massachusetts).

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#22 of 34 Old 02-21-2012, 10:34 AM
 
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Hey Cherrycrush, nice to meet you!  That sounds really tough; you guys have gone through a lot and are still going through it! It must have been hard to make the decision to switch from TTC to adoption.  And now you are facing with getting through all the red tape of the adoption system.  I've never dealt with that personally.  My mom is a retired adoption worker and so I've heard a lot from her about how difficult it can be for families wanting to adopt, especially for LGBTQ families, older families, etc. My heart is so with you guys as you go through this!  Also, as the partner of a male-identified genderqueer person who has not physically "transitioned," I hear your concerns about not wanting to make things confusing for the little one.  We're currently 8 weeks preggers, and this is something that we've been discussing quite a bit!  He really wants to go on T and start physically transitioning; he wants to be seen as the baby daddy by not just our family, but by all of society.  But he wants to wait until we are more or less settled in as parents before starting the hormones, because he doesn't want to be distracted by his own physical transition and be less supportive of my pregnancy needs as a result.  Basically, it's all very complicated, and at the same time very loving, and also something that not many folks we know can relate to - straight or gay!  So it's comforting for me to know that you guys are out there; even though we are going through very different situations, I love knowing that there are other genderqueer/gender independent folks out there working on building families.  I'm wishing you guys the very best and that sometime SOON you will meet the adoption worker who advocates for you guys and sees that excitement registers differently for different people.

 

And, hello Anna! Nice to see you in here.  I appreciate your comments about how little ones understand gender on an instinctive level.  I totally agree and was inspired by what you said!  We've been talking a lot about how we'll talk to our kid about gender.  Thankfully, we live in a place where we are surrounded by queers and trans folks, so we won't be alone in our messages. 

 

Hello to everyone else and hope you are doing well!


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#23 of 34 Old 02-24-2012, 09:20 AM
 
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cherrycrush, our DD calls my spouse daddy.  We figured that it would be easier to start with daddy now so it will be less confusing for her later when he transitions.  Her view on gender seems to be pretty much male and female instead of variances, a little bit of one, a little bit of other.  Despite our messages of, no, there aren't girl toys and boy toys, if you enjoy a toy, you can play with it, she still insists on it, though she hasn't said much about anything like that for a while, so maybe it was just a stage of her figuring out her identity.  She is EXTREMELY girly, but that is just her born personality, as we made sure she could be whoever she wanted to be.

 

planet, your partner is so sweet to consider your needs in pregnancy!  Sounds like my DSp, ALWAYS thinking of me and being very considerate!


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#24 of 34 Old 02-24-2012, 02:53 PM
 
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Hi all!  Cherrycrush ... our 3 yr old dd calls my partner/her other parent "baba," which many genderqueer parents use as a moniker.  If my partner was planning to transition, we would've gone with 'papa,' but there are no plans to transition, and we use the pronoun 'she' mostly when referring to dp. 

Welcome to the boards! 


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#25 of 34 Old 02-27-2012, 01:23 PM
 
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Our first babe isn't here yet (5 weeks to go!  Eeep!), but DP will go by Daddy.  He is medically and legally transitioned now, but we are very out as queer and he's quite open about being trans.  We considered other things, but he decided on Daddy since it is easiest and suits him.  Papa would've been a close contender if it wasn't the name my 90 year old sometimes-cranky grandfather goes by.  We know a Baba and a Duda and Mickey, too - any of which could be options if Daddy isn't comfortable.  

 

There's also this old thread with a few options: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1320972/gender-neutral-word-for-mom-dad


 

 

 

 

 

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#26 of 34 Old 02-27-2012, 02:25 PM
 
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I don't spend a whole lot of time on MDC anymore (busy job, life, etc.), but wanted to drop in here to say hi. My partner is trans (FTM), and passes as male 99% of the time at this point. Our daughter is 3 and a half, and has witnessed his entire physical transition, though she's always called him papa. For the first 2.5 years of her life, he was read primarily as female, and that never fazed her, or complicated her understanding of him and his gender. So, first, I don't think that kids are confused by genderqueerness. It's really just the adults who get hung up on it.

 

In terms of talking about trans stuff with kids, while I agree with everyone that honesty and openness is hugely important, I do think there are complicated situations that arise. We have always been very out and very queer (I run an LGBTQ center), but our most recent move has brought us to a smaller, southern town. Though many people know my partner's trans history, not everyone does, simply because he passes now, and it doesn't always come up. I actually feel like I'm having some struggles in figuring out how to talk about trans stuff with my daughter in a way that is age appropriate, makes sense to her, but still respects my partner's desire to a) feel safe (ie. not having our daughter shouting "Daddy used to be a girl!" when they've stopped for gas at a random rest stop), and b) not constantly be the object of everyone's curiosity, in said smaller southern town. In fact, we used to talk about trans stuff a lot with her, but backed off a bit when she became obsessed with penises, and who had them. Totally developmentally normal (she was potty-training in daycare at the time), but really uncomfortable for my DP when she would talk about his genitalia with strangers.

 

Anyway, I hope we can all use this space to connect and keep talking about this stuff. I could definitely use some support and idea-sharing! (And I could write a whole separate post about how awkward it is to be gay for pay when people look at your family and assume you're straight...)


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#27 of 34 Old 04-17-2012, 10:37 AM
 
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Hi everyone,

 

i'm so happy to have found this community.

 

I am a 30 year old queer female (born female), and my husband is a 33 year old FTM trans man, who passes 100% of the time. Legally he is male, and we do intend to tell our future children about him from a very early age. Outside of our queer family of friends, we are not active in the queer/gay community. We are perceived as a straight couple, which isn't inaccurate, but it's "different" for us, we don't have many friends/couple friends outside of the queer community as we often find it difficult to relate to "traditional" roles in a heterosexual relationship, but we're not active in the queer community because my husband doesn't want to advertise his transgendered-ness, he wants to blend in. His family knows about him, and is accepting of him, some of my family knows (i was selective on who i told in the beginning of our relationship), and those who know are supportive. The ones who don't know, don't know because I'm not confident they would be supportive.

 

we've been married for almost four years this September, and he's going for the last of his surgeries in a little less than two weeks now. We would like to start a family later this year by seemingly "natural" means, and do to a lack of certain genetic material, this means that we must go to a fertility clinic. While the fertility clinic is surprisingly open-minded about our situation, I find we are still being treated as an "infertile" couple. I don't mean to diminish what a couple who faces infertility goes through in any way. In our situation, to the best of everyone's knowledge what we need is sperm. that's it. i'm finding the experience with the fertility clinic to be frustrating, and it's not exactly an easy subject to talk about in general, let alone that we're not necessarily in the same boat to be part of a "support" group through the clinic.

 

is there anyone else in the same boat? i'd love to make some friends who have trans partners who might remotely be able to relate to what we're going through.

 

cheers!

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#28 of 34 Old 04-20-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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Hi Lilfaz! Welcome!

 

Really briefly, there are several of us with trans DPs on this board, and a few of us are trying to get pregnant right now too! Come over to the Queer Conceptions board for general queer TTC chat, and I'll try to write more later about my thoughts and experiences.

 

Also, I don't know where you live, but if you have the option of going to the Philly Trans Health conference next month, I know there are always LOTS of folks there with great info to share about making queer/trans families.


A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#29 of 34 Old 04-23-2012, 02:21 PM
 
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I am co-parenting with DP who had our two DDs with her ex-husband. I am more of the father figure than their birth father, who sees them every other weekend and sometimes once a week in theory, but not really in practice. They were very young when we got together, so I am essentially the father the younger one knows. I have been out as trans since before they came along, but I am not hormonally/surgically transitioned in any way though I have a form of hirsutism and am often read as male by children or people who either aren't familiar with "queer" or aren't analyzing anything besides my face. DD 11 still thinks my legal name is my old name that I changed 8+ years ago because she doesn't grasp the concept that a person can actually change their name if they wanted to, legally, if they don't have SRS. But I have always been "he" and the one time I wore a dress as a costume they both looked at me and laughed and said "Why are you wearing a dress??" because I am "a boy" to them and always have been even though they know I'm biologically female. I am also going to be carrying our next baby as DP had two already and has no desire to do it again ;)

 

Anyway, the little one dubbed me "J-Man" instead of my name when she was 6 or 7 but calls me my name generally or "daddy" the other half of the time. Even though her "real dad" is daddy, I am, too.
 


(gender)queer vegetarian artist co-parenting DDs 14 & 11 with DP and TTC  little peanut #3 3rdtri.gif

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#30 of 34 Old 01-25-2014, 07:08 AM
 
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I'm FTM and working towards beginning the TTC process (as a single zaza). On of the major things I'm worried about is how to teach my future child about human biology without associating certain body types with certain genders. Are there trans* friendly, intersex friendly, body positive books for young kids or older kids about to go through puberty on this stuff or do I have to write/illustrate one myself? I had a horrible experience learning about this stuff (I suddenly started bleeding out of parts I didn't realize I had, needless to say it was horrific), so this is a big concern for me in having kids.

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