Any advice on how to ease conversations with known donor? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 05-07-2012, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
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My wife and I asked a friend to be a known donor, after he offhandedly offered several times when we discussed hoping to start a family. We met face to face and the three of us had a conversation, expressed hopes and concerns, and while it was awkward as all hell, it was good. Since then, he seems to be avoiding us, often busy when we initiate hanging out, and the energy just seems a bit tense. Despite this, he reassures us that he is still totally on board. 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to make him, and us feel more comfortable about changing the nature of a friendship in this way? Any experience or advice would be very much appreciated!

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#2 of 2 Old 05-10-2012, 10:12 AM
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Hi Taryn!

Congrats on finding a known donor you might work with! My wife and I are expecting a baby in October that we conceived with a known donor.

My advice would be to go with your gut. If he is being weird, I would call him on it ASAP. Not just by asking if he's still on board, but by being really direct and saying "I'm getting a weird feeling when talking to you. You seem tense and distant, and that makes me nervous based on what we're planning to do together." If you can't get a satisfying answer, I would move on to someone else.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but using a friend as a donor is hard. You have to imagine that you will be disrupting this person's life for a year, asking them to drop what they're doing at fairly short notice, and showing up month after month. It's hard enough when you're the one trying to get pregnant, but even more so for the donor. It's also risky to use a known donor. For us, the benefits outweigh the risks and we wanted our child/ren to know him and have him in their lives. We also wrote up a contract together and really trust him. That being said, I wouldn't proceed if you didn't feel 100% right about him.

Good luck!!

Me homebirth midwife (35) and DP (28) Mamas to the love of our lives, feisty toddler Lucie, and an aloof miniature poodle.
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