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#1 of 14 Old 11-07-2012, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I will tell you a little about me, I am a straight single woman, and as far back as i can remember, I have promised my very best friend who is gay,  that no matter where i was in life, i would gladly have a baby with him... So as timing would have it, I will be 30 in 4 days ,  and discussion has been really heavy about finally having a baby.  and man oh man the thought is kind of stressing me out, I want to do this right, and we have decided we want to try home insemination first...  are there do's and don't  i chart my period, always have because it is irregular, sometime longer inbetween then others, should i take pre vitamins before ttc  any helpful suggestions would be awesome.

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#2 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 06:34 AM
 
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Home insemination is popular in this kind of situation because it's inexpensive and involves minimal paperwork and other formalities.  It is also, however, a situation in which women can get every possible kind of screwed. 

 

Before settling out the details of home insemination and timing and charts and all - have you spoken to a lawyer?  If you do this (if this is something you want to do), you're entering into a fairly complicated situation in which you bear a lot of physical risk and may have to stop working for a while, and your friend has no obligation towards you, even though you've hypothetically both agreed that you want to have this baby.  If this is something that you're really in together, he should be willing to take on some obligation, legally, to take care of you during your pregnancy if you need to stop working, and to assure that you continue to have medical insurance (maybe by taking on part or all of your COBRA payments in the event that you lose your job).  Once the baby actually arrives, you'll have to hammer out details of custody and child support - I believe you can't legally agree to those before the child arrives, but it may depend on the jurisdiction.  You need a lawyer.

 

That said - you say this thought is stressing you out.  Is it the thought of the insemination, the pregnancy, or the thought of having a baby right now?  Lots of us have promised romantic, impractical things to our friends - how many movies have you seen about your situation?  You are under absolutely no obligation to go through with this if you don't want to.  You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, you can just say no.

 

Concerning questions you've actually asked - prenatal vitamins are a good idea whether you're TTC or not.  Keep your stuff clean.  Make sure your partner in this enterprise has been recently tested for STIs.  See your GYN and ask if there's anything you should consider when trying to conceive, healthwise, like whether your irregular periods are a sign of PCOS or some other hormonal irregularity.

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#3 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 08:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, the plans are that i have custody, and we have both been sti/d checked,  and this reason being is that he spends 6 months out of the year in Florida with his husband.  I am not freaked out at all by this decision, I just want all the info i can so i can plan this out better( ok maybe a little ocd).... And PCOS is not a factor I have checked and double checked. Gyn says everything is ok, And i am not to sure about a lawyer.. I am not even sure if I could find a lawyer in alberta, that would even consider signing some kind of legal document like that, It is more or less A part time single parent gig, with help when i need it, I am set up, monetary wise to do this on my own anyways, and in the end, thank god for mat leave!!  so i am very solid in our decision,  I would just rather have all the info i need,  and do this right then start off by doing this wrong. that being said maybe i need to relax a little? lol

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#4 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 08:31 AM
 
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You should definitely take Folic acid for at least 3 months before you start trying.  It's basically a 3-month process for an egg to develop and mature so anything good you do can be done for 3 months for optimal results.  You said you chart your period, but that's not exactly the same as charting your cycle.  Can you easily identify when you ovulate and are fertile?  That's the key.  A lot of women read Taking Charge of Your Fertility to help figure these things out.  Since you will be using fresh sperm, being totally precise is not that important because the sperm will live for several days in a fertile environment.  Also, since your cycles are irregular, it wouldn't hurt to check in with your doctor.  Irregular cycles can make the process much more difficult.  Your friend should get a sperm analysis done too along with testing for diseases.  A lot of people have TTC'd with a known donor who had sperm that turned out to be abnormal or nonexistent.  All that being said, DIY is a great way to go.  It does work.

You should also know that if you find you do need more medical intervention, you may run into problems.  You can easily get fertility medications and monitoring but it is illegal to do IUI or IVF with sperm from a know donor who is not your spouse or regular sexual partner.  The sperm would have to be frozen and quarantined for 6 months before you could use it.  Hopefully, none of this will be an issue.  Typically, when people who know each other but are not romantically involved decide to have a baby together, they do draw up a contract with an attorney.  For your situation, it could be a co-parenting contract.  It would spell out everyone's responsibilities and rights.  It is not very expensive, and it is a good opportunity to talk openly about what your expectations are for parenting. 

Good luck to you!




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#5 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 08:35 AM
 
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We posted at the same time.  I didn't realize you are in Canada, so some of what I said will not apply.  There are lots of other Canadian folks on here who I'm sure have more experience with it all.  I would say the big thing is just figuring out when you ovulate.  Relaxation is definitely important too.  There are some nice meditations you can listen to, and yoga is also great.  Acupuncture is also relaxing and can help with weird cycles. 




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#6 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 08:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, Yes, it is clear when i ovulate, Ok, so it is in general consensus that we should hatch out a plan with a lawyer before hand. I have read that using a instead cup can work too? any thoughts? and is it truly better to orgasm then not.... Sorry kinda getting graphic.. but i am in information download, and well, have either of you concieved through this way?
 

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#7 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 09:15 AM
 
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I have heard the Instead cup can actually be a hindrance if you don't insert it in exactly the right way.  It may not be necessary.  I have heard it is best to orgasm after insemination because the cervix moves and kind of scoops up the swimmers.  I did not conceive this way.  We used frozen sperm and IUI.  We did do some inseminations at home with a midwife.  I definitely recommend that.  It's so much nicer to be at home in your own bed.  Afterwards, you can just watch tv or read a book or go to sleep.  If it were me, I would consult a lawyer just because you never know what may happen in the future.  But I have never been in your situation, so I couldn't say for sure.  You've known your friend for a long time, and I assume there is a great deal of trust there.  I would recommend googling co-parenting contracts and trying to talk with some other single moms who have gone about it in a similar way to see what their experiences have been.  There is a single parenting forum on here too.  You may find some folks that way.

I'm jealous of the Canadian moms because of your fabulous maternity leave!  That would be great.




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#8 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 09:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ordania View Post

Thanks, the plans are that i have custody, and we have both been sti/d checked,  and this reason being is that he spends 6 months out of the year in Florida with his husband.  I am not freaked out at all by this decision, I just want all the info i can so i can plan this out better( ok maybe a little ocd).... And PCOS is not a factor I have checked and double checked. Gyn says everything is ok, And i am not to sure about a lawyer.. I am not even sure if I could find a lawyer in alberta, that would even consider signing some kind of legal document like that, It is more or less A part time single parent gig, with help when i need it, I am set up, monetary wise to do this on my own anyways, and in the end, thank god for mat leave!!  so i am very solid in our decision,  I would just rather have all the info i need,  and do this right then start off by doing this wrong. that being said maybe i need to relax a little? lol

 

Do you want to do this now?  You don't have to jump into it this minute just because you're turning thirty.

 

Talking to a lawyer is part of setting this up right from the beginning.  Google "Alberta Bar Association" and see what comes up - the state bar association around here has lawyer referral lines.  You might also try contacting local groups of gay or single parents and asking them to recommend a good family law attorney.

 

You say this is a "part time single parent gig" - which part of the time do they parent, and which part do you?  If your friend is interested in moving this kid thing along, I would want to know what he's going to do to (a) be an involved parent despite being over a thousand miles away for half the year and (b) make it up to you that he will seldom be able to step in when the kid gets bounced from daycare for pinkeye, or you've got an ungodly stomach virus or something.

 

And who cares if you can do it on your own moneywise - the child's father doesn't cease to have responsibilities or obligations just because you'd be okay if he fell off the planet.  If I were you, I'd also be concerned about the fact that the father lives in another country six months of the year - if you do wind up needing to renegotiate custody for any reason, would you have to go to Florida to do it?  What if they leave the country and don't bring your kid back? 

 

The answers to these questions are actually none of my business, but I think they're important questions for you to HAVE answers for.  Don't just walk into this assuming that it'll all be fine.  If you want to have a baby on your own, I think you'd be better off with anonymous sperm donation, and without the complication of additional people with parental rights.  If you want a co-parent, I think you're best off making formal agreements about it, and I wonder if you might be better off choosing a co-parent who doesn't have a husband in Florida. 

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#9 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 09:24 AM
 
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If you want a good book, try to find, Lesbian Guide To Conception by Stephanie Brill, I know you are not queer but it gives you SO much information about conceiving this way, what to do, questions etc.   That's not the exact title but you should be able to find it.  I agree with Pokey, start taking Folic acid, since you are clear on ovulation already, that's a great start.  


Me (39)  and DH (FTM 40) and DS 17 months old.  TTC# 2 via KD  

 

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#10 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 09:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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k thanks..

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#11 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your input, this is why i asked questions here, because maybe someone has thought of details that i wouldn't have asked or thought of myself.  But both are willing to negotiate parenting details. and I do not have any fear of them skipping countries and not bringing back my child. this is not just a spur of the moment decision, it has been in the works for a really really long time, It is just time now, I feel for both of us. And I am not afraid that he will roam off of the face of the earth.  22 years is along time, and 10 years of it has been planning to eventually have a baby. I simply want to go about this the right way.  I thank you greatly for the concern you have shown and it has given me more to think about, also more questions to ask them both. Your reasoning is sound and i appreciate it. I have three months to make my final decision. I just want every angle to be covered. i should have maybe clarified..  it is just good to have others opinions. the good thing about it is, with others advice and opinions i can choose which to take.

 

 

so thank you, you have made very good points and i appreciate your honesty and opinion.
 

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#12 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 01:42 PM
 
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You have all the time in the world to make your final decision. I'm pro forming our families the way that feels best to us, but since I am an old lady (32 this month) I want to point out that you are still a young woman and if you would prefer to grow up, fall in love, get married and then have a baby there is still time for all that. Toddlers do not make dating easier.

I got pregnant on my second try with a known donor (first try was badly timed). We did no legal paperwork (not that I'm recommending this, it is what it is) and we don't co-parent. One thing you may want to discuss are his parents. Do they live nearby? There's a good chance they will want to spend time with their grandchild, which may be weird at Christmas if he's in Florida. If both your names are on the birth certificate, you will need to do extra paperwork to travel solo internationally with the child. Those are the only bits of weirdness I have really had to worry about. I think it was harder on our donor than he thought it would be.

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#13 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 06:46 PM
 
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My partner and I have a child with a gay friend in Canada. We did go through a fertility clinic, which does mean an application to Health Canada because it is illegal to donate sperm or blood in Canada if you are gay.  That said, Health Canada seems to always make exceptions for people who go through the application process surrounding accepting the risks. If you are doing this at home, it seems unnecessary to me though. In our situation we all saw lawyers, which is helpful because it makes sense for everyone involved to get independent legal advice. We also have a contract (which may or may not hold up in court due to the lack of precedent), but we found it very helpful to be clear to ourselves and each other about what we are committing to. 

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#14 of 14 Old 11-08-2012, 09:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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His parents, live in B.C We are close enough that i call his mom "Mom"  so no I do not think that there would be any real weirdness, the more or less "what the heck were you to thinking?"  might be there though...  I am not too concerned about starting any relationships at this point. and will deal with it if it comes along,  Once again thank you for your honesty and opinions.
 

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