Queer Single Parents by Choice? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 01-16-2013, 08:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, hello!

hearts.gif

Are there any queer solo parents lurking around here?

My every intention is to conceive this year as a "single mother by choice", although that term was coined mostly to describe presumably straight women who couldn't find Mr. Perfect before having to worry, and decided to take matters into their own hands. I just know that I'm disinterested in a nuclear family, and will be a much more confident parent if I am able to place romance in a separate compartment from parenthood. I have a good friend with whom I have a known donor contract and I plan on beginning TTC in the late summer. I don't know any queer folks who are doing what I'm doing with similar intentions, and I don't know anyone (queer or not) who intentionally conceived alone at my age (I'm 25). I have a lot of support from my own amazing, rag-tag community of (mostly childless) queers, as well as my given family (hi mom!), and I'm a long-time infant nanny/doula who just started a business in family support consulting. I know I'm ready ready ready... but I do find that pioneering this particular frontier can get lonely!



I used to post under the name "habitat", about a year ago, so if this all sounds eerily familiar, that may be why. shy.gif
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#2 of 22 Old 01-17-2013, 10:39 AM
 
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Welcome.gifback!  I like your new username.  I know there is at least one other person currently TTC as a single parent in the Queer Conceptions forum.  Plus there are some others who have done it in the past.  I would encourage you to peruse the Queer Conceptions thread and join in if you feel so called.  We have a lot of knowledgeable and suppportive folks around here and I believe some may even live near you.  Good luck!



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#3 of 22 Old 01-17-2013, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Pokey, thanks so much for the reply and the welcome! I will definitely head on over to the Queer Conceptions thread. How comforting to know that there are other queers around here who plan to parent solo! Super exciting.
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#4 of 22 Old 04-10-2013, 09:04 PM
 
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I am. My story is very parallel yours. I am going to be starting insemination attempts this weekend. I am trans, genderqueer, poly and single. I agree fully on the 'wishing my romantic life and (co-)parenting to be separate'. I actually just joined this page to respond to this post it resonated so much. I'd love to know other folks on a similar path through what is culturally such a couple and/or hetero oriented/dominated path. I live in a place where I am not friends with a lot of queers close by, I moved out to a rural community, although I am still close with homos in the cities. There are folks with kids in both places, but I don't know that many single parents, especially queer ones. especially ones who are doing this all this way on purpose. so. hi.
 

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#5 of 22 Old 04-11-2013, 12:49 AM
 
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Seahorse - Welcome.
Come on over to the Queer Conceptions thread if you want. It's a good place to talk about everything.
In my area it is definitely not that unusual anymore to do it on your own. In my queer TTC group one single mom (age 28) just had her baby and another gal just joined and is planning to start this later this year. I see some some great benefits of being a single parent and if I weren't in a relationship I would have done it too, probably at a much young age even.


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#6 of 22 Old 04-11-2013, 07:51 AM
 
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Just wanted to say welcome to the new folks! While I'm now partnered, old, and boring, I started this process as a young(er), single, broke, queer parent by choice. I have found this forum to be a great place of support, both in my single days and now as a family. Welcome, and good luck!
 


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#7 of 22 Old 09-14-2013, 09:11 PM
 
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yup. me. i am transmasculine and single parenting. i had my babe in march of this year. i'd love to talk to others about all this journey.

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#8 of 22 Old 02-17-2014, 05:55 PM
 
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I'm a queer single parent by choice. My son was born in June. Maybe we could have a dedicated group/thread to chat.
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#9 of 22 Old 02-27-2014, 06:59 PM
 
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I'm a queer, poly, transmasculine-spectrum person planning to single parent - I'm currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I'd love to connect with other folks in a similar boat!

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#10 of 22 Old 02-28-2014, 12:16 PM
 
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I totally support the idea of having a thread for Queer Single Parents by Choice--though I don't know if we have enough folks (yet?) to maintain a good discussion.

I'm still in the "hoping to parent/TTC" camp, but I've already felt often like the mainstream "being/becoming a lesbian parent" resources and discussions are heavily focused on issues that don't apply to me--about legalizing 2-parent family structures or issues around being/supporting a non-gestational parent, dealing with the intercouple emotional stress of TTC, things like that. (That said, I've found this board awesome overall, and highly encourage everyone to join the QC and QPP threads!) And I've definitely found that the Single Parenting board on Mothering isn't really directed at those who doing it "by choice"--lots of talk about custody and dealing with exes (which is great, just not what I need).

Maybe the way to go is for someone to propose a Question of the Day (or Week)? That might help get a discussion started. I'll try to think of one and come back and post again, but if anyone has any ideas in the meantime, I'll just store mine up for the next round.

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#11 of 22 Old 02-28-2014, 12:59 PM
 
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Hi silverbeet! Welcome to Mothering and the Queer Parenting! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you are feeling well and the next 7 months or so go smoothly.


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#12 of 22 Old 08-07-2014, 08:32 PM
 
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Hello queer SPCs! I thought I'd bump this thread and see if any other queer single parents by choice are interested in connecting. I'm wondering where other queer single parents by choice are getting their support from. Family of origin? Queer community? Single parent groups? All of the above? Others?
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#13 of 22 Old 11-26-2014, 10:57 AM
 
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I am a tomboy/queer/transmasculine/androgynous person and I would really like to get pregnant soon. I just need to finish school and get a job first. I am almost finished with my education and I'll try to find a job this spring. I also feel that it would be easier to separate the baby-making and parenting from my love life. I feel it will be less complicated that way. I am so so ready to become a parent and I've already gotten myself most of the material things I'll need, all but the big things like a stroller and a moses basket anyway. : Thinking I might get inseminated this spring/summer.

Nice to meet y'all!
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#14 of 22 Old 11-26-2014, 11:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aubin10 View Post
Hello queer SPCs! I thought I'd bump this thread and see if any other queer single parents by choice are interested in connecting. I'm wondering where other queer single parents by choice are getting their support from. Family of origin? Queer community? Single parent groups? All of the above? Others?
I am only a soon-to-be queer parent but I get most of my support from online friends and my family. Sure they worry a lot since I'll be a single parent but they're by my side and they support me deep down anyway. I'd like to join some single parent/queer single parent group though. It would be interesting to hear about other people in the same situation and how they handled things.
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#15 of 22 Old 11-26-2014, 11:07 AM
 
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Alexis! You may also want to join the Queer Conceptions group when you are ready to start trying. It's a great group for suppor through the journey. Good luck!


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#16 of 22 Old 11-27-2014, 03:40 PM
 
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Alexis! You may also want to join the Queer Conceptions group when you are ready to start trying. It's a great group for suppor through the journey. Good luck!
Thank you! I'll be sure to do that!
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#17 of 22 Old 07-02-2015, 10:40 AM
 
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Hi Aubin and Alexis and everyone!

I am working to be a single parent. Fem/lesbian currently doing IUIs, investigating foster/adoption and still dating. Working on how to keep the baby expectations separated from the relationship, until it is very established, of course.

I'm here if you'd like to chat!
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#18 of 22 Old 11-14-2015, 10:26 AM
 
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I was really excited to see this thread! I'm new to these forums - I'm in the planning stages of queer single parenting, and I'd love to connect with other queers who are doing it or have done it, and hear how it's going! Right now I'm trying to figure out who I want the donor to be, and am considering a close friend and former housemate. Anyone out there have experience with using a close friend as a donor while single parenting? I don't want to coparent with him, and I'm curious about how those boundaries work (or don't) when you don't have a designated coparent.
@pokeyac , I'm also in the Bay (Oakland), if you know any local queer single momma resources, I'd love to know about them!
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#19 of 22 Old 11-14-2015, 01:33 PM
 
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I was on the birth team for a friend who decided to be a single papa by choice, with the help of a good friend who was the donor. The friend was known as "Uncle Shawn," (or "Spuncle Shawn" for special uncle or... you know) and was somewhat involved. He came to the baby shower, did some childcare, etc, but they aren't coparenting. They have been living in separate countries now for a few years, and seem to still be pretty good friends. The kid knows that he provided half of her genetic material, but isn't her parent, & seems cool with that.

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#20 of 22 Old 11-16-2015, 08:55 AM
 
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Hi EliNora! Congrats on your single mama plans! I had initially really liked the idea of a known donor, and had several friends I had spoken with that were so supportive and excited to be involved (of course in a non sexual way). But hearing just the slightest bit of a yearning for parenthood from them turned me away. I think I'd feel safer with someone that perhaps had their own kids and had already satisfied that need. Unless the individual is a directed donor through a cryobank (that means he is signing up as a donor just for you), no papers or promises protect you from having someone pop up later.

Then, recent court cases made me dump the idea completely. Especially with MARRIED lesbian moms who still had to give up partial custody to someone outside of their relationship, twice!

For myself anyway, I really treasured the ability to decide be a single mother, with all that that encompasses. I finally decided that an ID-release donor worked best for me. I don't know them, they have no legal rights or obligations, but when my child turns 18, my child can reach out to the donor.

I am still ttc (trying to conceive, have had a few miscarriages), and am about to be licensed for foster care, so I've got two avenues going now. Curious to see which one completes my family first!

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#21 of 22 Old 11-16-2015, 11:14 AM
 
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@eliNora ! Good luck with your TTC journey! You should definitely check out Our Family Coalition and Bananas.org. OFC has a support group for single parents and a lot of their activities are free or for a donation. I'll send you a PM with some other info too.


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#22 of 22 Old 11-16-2015, 11:14 AM
 
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@eliNora ! Good luck with your TTC journey! You should definitely check out Our Family Coalition and Bananas.org. OFC has a support group for single parents and a lot of their activities are free or for a donation. I'll send you a PM with some other info too.


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