Ideas and resources for moms trying for the first time with a known donor - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 9 Old 04-15-2013, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't even believe I just typed that sentence! My DP and I have been talking about this for so long and the time frame was always "in a year or two... that lasted for 4 years.

Well, now it seems like "one or two years" has turned into... this fall! A dear friend JUST offered to be our donor and we are thrilled.

 

So... now what?

 

We are young and healthy and are wanting to do a home insemination... but that is pretty much all we know. There is so much information out there and I feel I don't even know where to start!

 

So I thought my fellow queers would be able to give us a helping hand with ideas and resources that we should become very familiar with in the coming months. What are the best ideas for home insemination? Are their inexpensive options for storing sperm, if we want to save some for future pregnancies? What legal stuff do we definitely need to worry about during the insemination, pregnancy and early childhood?

 

books? websites?

 

Thank you thank you thank you!

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#2 of 9 Old 04-15-2013, 02:04 PM
 
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Welcome.gifto Mothering and to Queer Parenting!  Here is a link to the resources we have compiled.  You can also find a link to this at the top of the forum page.  You may want to go over to the Queer Conceptions thread at some point to chat with all the other TTC folks.  It's a very supportive and knowledgeable group.  A good book to start with is Stephanie Brill's Guide to Lesbian Conception...  Fertility Friend is a good website to use to start tracking cycles ahead of time so you can pinpoint ovulation. 

  Home insemination is pretty simple.  I think all you need is a sterile receptacle and a needleless syringe.  I've never done one with fresh but I'm sure lots of folks can give you more info.  The only way to store sperm for the future is at a sperm bank.  They will most likely require STD and other testing of your donor and then they will use a special process to freeze the sperm and they will charge you storage fees to store the sperm at the right temperature.  It's cheaper than buying sperm, but not free.  You may want to have a sperm analysis done before you get started to make sure your donor's swimmers are healthy.  You would definitely want to have him tested for STD's.  Many people draw up a donor contract before they get started. There are many resources for how to do that, and you may want to consult a lawyer as well depending on your situation.  After the birth, a second parent or step-parent adoption can be done to protect your legal rights and to sever the donor's legal rights.  Since laws are different by state, your situation will depend on where you live.  Good luck on your journey!




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#3 of 9 Old 04-17-2013, 10:09 AM
 
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Congratulations! Very exciting!!! :) The book my wife and I used is "The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception." http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Guide-Lesbian-Conception-Pregnancy/dp/1555836267/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366218222&sr=1-2&keywords=lesbian+conception

It has a lot of good information. We also looked at some websites, and found some that wanted us to pay $40 for supplies needed, but that is really not necessary. We went to a medical supplies store, bought some (needleless) syringes and specimen cups for just a few bucks. I tracked my moon cycle on paper. We tried two days in a row during one ovulation and I got pregnant right away! Don't be fooled by the websites that try to sell you a whole package of goods to help you get pregnant--it's a rip-off. Good luck!!!


With DW partners.gif, DD1peace.gif(15), & DD2guitar.gif(11) since '09. Naturally birthed DD3 ecbaby2.gif6/21/13. We familybed1.gif, I bftoddler.gif and I'm a total treehugger.gif.  Family of five females! grouphug.gifrainbow1284.gifLOVE makes a family.             M/C candle.gif 2/10 ~Ahti Pan, forever in my heart.
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#4 of 9 Old 04-18-2013, 08:58 PM
 
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Very exciting! We used a KD for our DD and this pregnancy too. Feel free to ask specific questions - I'm not sure what you know and don't know in terms of the process :)

 

I think one of the most important things you can do is have really open and honest conversations with your KD about what his role will be. At all stages of the child's life. All the legal contracts in the world will not hold up in court if he REALLY changed his mind and it could get nasty. However, I've never known anyone where that has happened - I just know the legal bits. I have heard of things changing in terms of a KD's feelings once a baby is actually here though. Other things to talk about with him, what role (if any) will his family members have in the child's life? You mentioned freezing his sperm for future children - so I'm assuming you've talked about having more than one child with his sperm.

 

Good luck! Having a KD is awesome....we feel so incredibly fortunate for our KD!

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#5 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks so much, y'all. I guess i'm just totally reeling and looking to feel a little grounded in it. We don't have many queer friends where we live and don't have ANY queer friends who have kids yet, so we are not getting much advice and don't really feel mentored through this. stuff like "blow off all the expensive kits" is comforting.. haha. We are those kind of people anyway, but sometimes looking at all the kits and the acronyms and the... STUFF that comes associated with lesbian conception (and having kids in general!) feels overwhelming and like.. maybe we don't actually know what we're doing (a great into to parenting, i suppose. ha!)

 

What kind of conversations did you have with your KD? My partner and I both have fears about having kids taken from us... but we seems to move in opposite directions with what we think the answers are. I would love any advice on "gosh, i wish we'd talked about this sooner" or "make sure you have xyz SUPER clear".

 

My partner is a very private person, so we probably won't really tell anyone until we are actually pregnant... so i am totally bursting and am glad i get to share here among strangers!
 

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#6 of 9 Old 04-22-2013, 10:23 AM
 
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One thing I would definitely look at are Known Donor Agreements. Here are some links to get you started:

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/known-donor-agreement
http://www.maiamidwifery.com/ (scroll down the page you will see where it says "Sample Known Donor Agreement")
http://www.knowndonor.com/contract.php#contract-three-party
http://www.2momslaw.com/donor.pdf

 

And here is a copy of the Agreement we drew up with our donor. We took from some we found online and edited them to suit our situation better: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KOWUt8uyHGRoTKP-7xeKCT9prKZ_M7R9JzjYYTKp5VA/edit?usp=sharing

 

We trust our donor and we had conversations to make sure we were on the same page (he is a dear friend, welcome to be in our children's lives, but has no parental rights or responsibilities, and we are not telling our children that he is our donor...at least, not yet...) Even though I trust him with my life (which is why he is the perfect donor for us), we still signed the known donor agreement and had it notarized. It just helps us have a clear outline of what we agreed upon, so that lines don't get blurry in the future.


With DW partners.gif, DD1peace.gif(15), & DD2guitar.gif(11) since '09. Naturally birthed DD3 ecbaby2.gif6/21/13. We familybed1.gif, I bftoddler.gif and I'm a total treehugger.gif.  Family of five females! grouphug.gifrainbow1284.gifLOVE makes a family.             M/C candle.gif 2/10 ~Ahti Pan, forever in my heart.
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#7 of 9 Old 04-22-2013, 11:51 AM
 
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I'm happy to have found this forum and this thread. I have been looking for resources for a male friend of mine who (with his partner) is looking for similar resources. Much of this will be useful to them, too. Thank you all!


First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#8 of 9 Old 04-24-2013, 08:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by knittingnancy View Post

What kind of conversations did you have with your KD? My partner and I both have fears about having kids taken from us... but we seems to move in opposite directions with what we think the answers are. I would love any advice on "gosh, i wish we'd talked about this sooner" or "make sure you have xyz SUPER clear".

 

My partner is a very private person, so we probably won't really tell anyone until we are actually pregnant... so i am totally bursting and am glad i get to share here among strangers!
 

 

Definitely talk about his role in the child's life and what that will look like. Be very clear on that. I have a gay male friend who's friend was going to be a donor for a lesbian couple they both knew and my friend was explaining that he would have an "uncle" type role in the child's life. But the next sentence was that his friend has "always wanted to be a daddy." Big red flag. 

 

Are you open to him being in your child's life in the future if your child wants that? Make sure he's the type of person you would want in your child's life. Is he open to that in the future possibly? Does he want his own kids? If yes, does he have a plan?

 

Make sure he has a support system set up if he does indeed find it difficult once the baby arrives - our KD found it hard to be so distant at first but he worked through it and it's been awesome all around.

 

Also, does his family know? What are their thoughts? Do they want to be part of the child's life? Is that something you're interested in?

 

What about subsequent kids? Is this a one time deal? We completely overlooked talking about subsequent kids so had to have the conversation again when we started trying for #2 - I would have preferred to at least have mentioned it in the beginning even if the answer was "I'm not sure yet."

 

Our agreement was very detailed - from no rights to name the child to protecting him from us asking for child support. You could suggest he have his own lawyer look at the agreement too.

 

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

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#9 of 9 Old 04-26-2013, 12:24 PM
 
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we are currently pregnant with #2, got pregnant both time using a KD at home, two different donors but they are married to each other.  The actual process of doing it at home is pretty simple, it's more the emotional issues that are challenging. . (and by simple I don't mean guaranteed success, just not that complicated)   Our first pregnancy was done with in person donations and the second ended up being by shipped sperm, though we did try an in-person too.   I love having KD's. . they are in our lives even though we don't see them as much as we like and we feel like this has made such an amazing connection btwn our families.  And they are even going to be in our wills to have custody of our children if god forbid anything should happen to both of us. 

 

I really suggest reading Stephanie Brill's book Lesbian Guide to Conception.  I also suggest giving the chapter on using KD's to your KD to read.  It can help bring up a lot of questions on both sides.   def talk about expectations, about what will happen short term and long term even in terms of TTC, like is he willing to commit to every month if it takes a while, a few times a month.  

- what are involvement expectations on his side, on yours, how you will each deal with things if issues come up later 

- issues around testing for STD's, around sex around the time you are TTC (both for safety around std's and simple things like if he has sex/masturbates the night before, counts are supposedly lower the next day so would he be willing to abstain while you are trying 

- does he have a partner, does he/she  have feelings on this

 

these are just a few questions.  you can make up legal documents to protect yourself but in some places nothing can actually be signed until the child is born so there is a certain element of faith involved. . and even in trusting the whole legal process.   


Me (39)  and DH (FTM 40) and DS 17 months old.  TTC# 2 via KD  

 

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