Queer parents - Page 15 - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-16-2013, 08:20 PM
 
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Seraf-I'm so sorry to hear about your separation.  I hope you are all adjusting as well as you can to the new situation.  It's tough.

 

starling-I agree with you about how important these forums have been to me, and I am sad it's been less active.  I have to go eat my dinner now, but I will be back later.

 

Hugs to everyone!  :grouphug




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Old 11-16-2013, 09:36 PM
 
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Hi all! I have been following along but have been lazy about posting since i find it to be such a pain from my phone! I always read this forum while nursing Wylie to sleep in the dark.

Seraf, I'm sorry to hear about the separation. Do you guys have good support out there? I imagine that must be tough with a house full of kiddos. Are you guys planning to keep living together long term?

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Old 11-17-2013, 06:41 AM
 
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Seraf--again, I'm sorry to hear the news.

Starling--I think part of it is cyclical (as in, people get busy and then unbusy again). I also wonder if part of it is having 'parents' separated from 'pregnant'. I know that it felt like an abrupt switch to me to go from the Q&P board to the parenting one, since everyone there seemed so far ahead of me and I was still so new to parenting. Maybe recombining them again is a good idea? It would be nice to have fewer threads to keep up with.

Things here are going well. I'm pretty far into the first trimester tiredness, and getting some nausea, which is even less fun than I remember it being when I just had two dogs to entertain. DP and I are trying to decide if we should do some sort of cutesy announcement that we're having twins, since it will be time to let people know right around Christmas card season.

She's here!
And so are the boys!
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Old 11-17-2013, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Isa, I didn't even know you were pregnant! Twins? Clearly I should read in the other thread, too. I separated them because someone complained?

I'm ok. Sara is having a harder time.

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Old 11-17-2013, 08:39 AM
 
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I, like planet, read along here while nursing. I've never posted on this specific thread because I'm still a little overwhelmed, at 5 weeks into being a parent. Isa, I'm sorry you don't like the boards separate. I was one who had suggested this change a few months back because the combined board was so active it was very hard to keep up. Plus, as a pregnant mama, it was really overwhelming to me (and I think some others) to read about parenting struggles when we were just trying to survive pregnancy. I had really enjoyed the specific focus of the TTC thread and I felt very lost when I first came over to the combined QP&P thread. Just my opinion.

I would like to "join" here and my hope is that I'll be more active as we emerge from "survival mode".

My wife (30) and I (32) have been legally married since 2006. We are proud queer mamas to baby W, born 10/10/2013.
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:51 PM
 
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Hi All,

I'm absolutely in favor of helping this thread to be more active.

Sphinxy: It's great to hear from you! WOW on five weeks! What are the great parts and the challenges so far?

Isa: I'm sorry you're having the crappy first trimester experience again. I think a twin-themed christmas card sounds delightful. If you do it I hope you'll post it somewhere where I can se it!

Hi to everyone else!

I feel like I don't have much news to report. Our two-year-old is funny and sweet (most of the time). We have a baby due in a week, which I guess means soon we'll have a newborn, but it still feels pretty far away. Thanksgiving is coming for those of us in the US!

whistling.gifMe, love.gif my wife, blowkiss.gifour son (2.5), and luxlove.gif our daughter (5 months)
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Old 11-17-2013, 06:47 PM
 
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Seraf, sending hugs.

Isa, WOOHOO! MORE TWINS! mrsandmrs and Bigfoot and I are here as your welcome committee.smile.gif

I'm too busy to post much, but I try to read along. Babies are 7 months old(!?!), and doing well. Big kid is rocking kindergarten, and DP and I are insanely busy but happy. Some pics-

Pride outfits:


Jane:


Theron:


DD in her Halloween costume (a fairy, obvs):

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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Old 11-17-2013, 10:45 PM
 
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@seraf, i'm sorry to hear about that. i hope everyone adjusts as smoothly as possible. 

 

@prettyisa! WELCOME TO THE TWIN CLUB!  we were due for another set. 

 

@Sphinxy, welcome over here. congrats on surviving the first 5 weeks. things really do get a lot better.

 

I also avidly read along but rarely have time to post on account of I spend most of my time taking care of three month old twins. (I mean, the breastfeeding alone is many hours of my day.) Also, I prefer to share personal details behind the password-protected/slightly more private wall of facebook.  

 

M&O are sleeping a little better (knocking on all the wood) and giving lots of adorable smiles and squeals. They noticed each other recently, which has been the source of infinite entertainment for both us and them. predictably, they love their big brother more than pretty much anyone else except each other.  It is very cute. Here's a photo of them from a couple weeks ago. They are babies instead of tiny bird people now! 

 


heartbeat.gif rainbow1284.gif wife (31) + wife (37) rainbow1284.gif heartbeat.gif & our three sons  bikenew.gifbabyf.gifbabyf.gif
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Old 11-18-2013, 01:52 AM
 
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Hi all,

Looks like I'm joining the reading-MDC-while-nursing-at-midnight club... We welcomed our son Z into the world this past Thursday morning, and he's fantastic. I'll write up & post the full birth story soon! The short version is that I was 41 weeks on Tuesday and had my first contractions that night at about midnight, which came on strong enough to stop me from sleeping; 24 hours later, I was getting totally overwhelmed by their intensity, climbed into the birthing pool in our living room at about 3 am, realized that I was starting to want to push at 5 am, had DP call the midwives, they arrived at 6 am and confirmed that I was completely effaced & dilated, and then finally out popped Z at 8:01 am PST. He weighed 9 lbs 4 oz and was 22 1/4" long... I had no idea he would be so big! And glad my midwives didn't tell me ahead of time, though they tell me now that they suspected from our last couple of appointments that he might be larger than average... I think it would have scared me. As it was, the birth was both great, in that it was an incredibly intense experience that I appreciate having been able to have had, and also awful, in that it was excruciating and terrifying and exhausting. I'm glad I did it, but I don't know that I'd make that choice again... Birthing at home was so wonderful, and I adore my midwives, yet some kind of pain relief would have been very welcome. My reflections on birth aside, here's the most important thing of all: We have this gorgeous baby!

 

 

I'm happy to be joining this thread, though would also be totally fine if we recombined with Q&Pregnant... Actually, I think it'll soon be pretty lonely over there if we don't, because there's only been a handful of BFPs recently! Maybe a new thread for December? And speaking of BFPs, congrants @prettyisa on the twins!!!

 

Wow, there's so much here to catch up on... I need to go back and read a bit. For now though I just wanna say that @seraf, I too am sorry to hear about your break-up & hope you've got the support you need IRL & online... We're here for you.


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Old 11-18-2013, 09:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Granite! He's giant! Shay was a big boy, but an inche shorter and a quarter pound lighter! That's awesome!

Mrs, it's awesome that they noticed each other. I love the way babies love their siblings so much.

Tigers, holy crap, they are cute. Are you sleeping yet?

Escher, I'm so excite for y'all! A due date baby would be super cool...

I'm good. My boys are huge. Still not STTN. They were up at midnight and 5:30 last night. They mostly sleep with me but if S wakes to nurse and I turn him down, he'll just go to Sara's room. S is 32 pounds 9 ounces and over 3 feet tall. He's sweet and funny and says please and thank you! *swoon* he and DD have a club called the AS club. S2 can't join for obvious spelling reasons. S2 is 24 pounds and thinks O hung the moon and O is way more patient with him than the other kids. It's sweet and adorable how in love they are with each other.

carrot.gifbroc1.gifbanana.gifbanana.gif 10, 8, 1 & 1
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Old 11-18-2013, 04:40 PM
 
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Hi everyone,

 

I still read her when I can and think about you all. Seraf - I am sorry to hear about your separation. I'm thinking about all of you :(

 

I can't believe your twins are already 7 months knitting! They are beautiful. So are Mrs and mrs. Man - we make beautiful children round here!

 

granite - that is honestly the most blissful looking newborn photo. Welcome little Z!

 

Escher - I can't wait to hear about your little one :)

 

things are going well here. Z is 4 and a half and is going to French school 4 days a week. She is loving it. We keep her home one day a week for some hang out time and that has been great. It was an adjustment getting used to waking kids up and getting her to school on time. We are a stay at home family. I literally had never woken my kids up before. They were used to sleeping until they got up on their own. And being dressed and presentable before 8am? sheesh. anyways we are into the groove now :)

 

sage is 20 months. she is talking up a storm and has been diaperless (though definitely not accidentless) since 18 months. She just decided to up and stop wearing diapers. I guess not surprising because this was the baby that taught me to EC her as an infant. She is relentless in her goal to grow as fast as possible.

 

DP and I are starting to talk about a third and probably last babe in our home. I am having some nerve issues in my abdomen that I'm trying to heal so I can carry. DP doesn't want to carry so much, but would if needed. (she carried z, I carried s). I'm hopeful that it will happen. I feel like there is another little person out there for our family - and excited to be pregnant again and birth again if it all works out. though, tonight sage sat up at the table for the first time and it felt right - the 4 of us. So who knows.

 

It is snowing her for the first time in earnest. I am not a huge fan of long winters but I do love the first month of flaky beautiful snow.


Our family: mommy and DW mama our 5 yr old DD 'Z' and 2.5 yr old DD 'S' and waiting for (March 2015)


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Old 11-19-2013, 02:40 AM
 
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Why yes, it is again the middle of the night, and I'm again here reading MDC & nursing... This really is a whole new world. Or schedule. Or something.

@onemommyonemama I love that you'd never had to get your kids up in the morning until recently... Sounds lovely! Exciting to be thinking of another baby, too. What would your timeline be, pending a healthy abdomen? Also, my sister lives in your city, & mentioned the snow today... Jealous!

@seraf I love hearing about your kids & their relationships with each other! AS club sounds adorable... And wow, S is amazingly big!

Gorgeous babies, @mrsandmrs! No, not bird people at all, LOL... I hear you on the privacy thing, about posting here vs. on FB. It's a bit overwhelming, that anyone can read this. However, sometimes I'd rather share on MDC because I don't feel like I know many of the active folks in the FB group... And I prefer the MDC interface, with easy to follow threads... But yeah. Conflicted.

I love your DD's facial expression, @KnittingTigers! How does she like being a big sister? And the twins in their Pride outfits are absolutely perfect.

@escher, best of luck for a happy & healthy birthing!

Waving hello through the post-partum haze, @Sphinxy! I hear you on "survival mode"... I'm so grateful for any moment when things seem to be actually flowing well. Example: Right now Z is well-latched, I've remembered to fill my water bottle & put it next to my nursing chair, and I have my phone here in my hand... Lol. What will coming out of survival mode look like for you?

I also vote for a cutesy holiday card twins announcement, @prettyisa!!! Do it!!! We never send holiday cards usually, but this year we're going to have some printed with pics of Z & use them as combo Happy Solstice/thank-yous. Babies are great excuses for snail mail!

As for me, the post-partum period is going well as can be expected. My mother in law is staying with us for several days, and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for DP and I. It was worse this past weekend, when my boor of a FIL was here as well & basically reaffirming the patriarchy in his every word & action. That led to me crying (alone with DP) about all the gender policing bullshit our son will be having to cope with... I'm sure I'd have similar feelings if he were female, but at least then I wouldn't hafta deal with FIL telling us what our kid *will* be like, simply cuz he's male.

Now FIL's gone, and MIL's driving me a different kind of crazy, by constantly talking about the dangers & risks of everything under the sun. My first go at carrying Z in the ring sling (which is totally rad, BTW! Babywearing FTW!) nearly gave her a heart attack, I swear. She couldn't believe he wasn't going to smother, or get cold, or fall out. I understand having anxiety problems, really I do, but that's why I go to therapy... And all her constant worry is totally stressing me out, and pulling at my hard-won sense of calm around being a new parent. DP's coping with her own variations on these themes as well... Blech. We're so glad her parents care enough about Z to fly across the country to see him... And so glad it'll be just the 3 of us after Thursday!

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Old 11-19-2013, 03:44 AM
 
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@granite - good question. I don't know what it will look like. I suppose it will involve feeling a little less desperate for sleep. I've actually been feeling kind of defeated these last couple days, like I'm not going to be able to do this. W woke to nurse at 5:15am, which is starting to be approximately typical. This will take anywhere from 20-60 minutes. When I go back to work in early January, I would typically wake up at 6:30. Well, given this nursing session, why would I bother trying to go back to sleep? So what, that's it? I got three hours sleep between the first two nursing sessions, and two hours between the second two - would I just be up now? How in the world can I survive on a broken five hours of sleep, five days a week once I go back?

Well, he's done so I'm going to try to sleep again. I'll try to write more to others later. That's all for now.

My wife (30) and I (32) have been legally married since 2006. We are proud queer mamas to baby W, born 10/10/2013.
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Old 11-19-2013, 06:26 AM
 
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sphinxy - You can do this! you are doing it :) you just need some more sleep to feel human. sleep as much as you can during the day and go to bed earlier if you can. You will figure this out in January - but that is a ways off and babe will likely change habits by then.

 

I nursed sage in bed. we co-slept. It took some work to figure out how to latch laying down (for both of us) but it was the golden ticket for me and sleep. WHen she woke it took moments to latch her and we both went back to sleep. many days I woke up feeling rested not recalling how many times I had woken. Co sleeping aint for everyone, I totally respect that. But it might be worth trying because I ended up loving it and it truly helped me sleep longer chunks and more in the night.

 

Another thing I swear by for me - I don't have visible clocks in the room. If I don't know when and how long I was awake - it truly helps. I don't feel as anxious and I wake up feeling much more rested.

 

but above all - I found these things that worked for me and you will find the things that work for you :)

 

granite! that is exciting that your sister lives here! cool!


Our family: mommy and DW mama our 5 yr old DD 'Z' and 2.5 yr old DD 'S' and waiting for (March 2015)


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Old 11-19-2013, 08:15 AM
 
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Escher: a week! OMG! How are you all feeling? I had totally lost track of time!

Knitting and Mrs--thanks for the welcome! smile.gif Your babies are so snuggly and wonderful! I am especially fond of the pride outfits, Knitting!

OMOM--I am jealous of your diaper-free youngun! E is just starting to wear underpants around the house, but she's not great at using the potty yet. That said, this weekend we had several successful goes, so maybe we're heading in the right direction, at least. On Sunday we were out to dinner at a kind of fancy place with some friends who are definitely a little vintage-eclectic in their style. Their daughter is a year older than E and the girls LOVE each other--hugging and giggling and playing with their food and trying to get out of their chairs so they can run free. Some lady who had been staring at us finally apologized and said that she didn't mean to stare, but that we should make ALL the children! Which I thought was really funny, since usually I expect people to think lesbians and other weirdos should not have kids at all. It was a very pleasant surprise!

Granite--do it! I love holiday cards! My poor DP hates them (and family photo shoots and anything that strikes her as being too pretentious.) Poor thing--I make her do all of it anyway. It's dumb not to have decent family photos because you're afraid someone might interpret their existence as you thinking too highly of yourself. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of the hard emotions postpartum. It's a really rough time--I remember that we got super angry at a couple of friends who would not let up on variations of where E was going to go to college and how we must just lovelovelove her to death! We were still feeling overwhelmed and stabilizing, and weren't ready to be gushy about her yet. I also developed a theory that my stepmom was trying to steal the baby, and had to deal with all kinds of unresolved, buried mommy issues with my own mom. It was a roller-coaster, to be sure! Try to just get through it as diplomatically as possible, and you'll probably find most of it drop away in the next few months as you get more sure of yourselves as a family, and parental opinions don't feel so powerful. I think it's something about being vulnerable and having the most important people in your life (at least at one time, when you were probably last this vulnerable) saying things that now feel threatening or offensive. They don't mean to do it--they just have no idea how strongly it might affect you.

Sphynxy--what OMOM said! Things will probably change some, and also, you just do. It's hard, but possible, and you'll make your way through it. Even if it means you are in bed by 8pm for a while--it won't last forever, or even for more than a few months. The best part about babies is that they change, so even when it's terrible, you can tell yourself that it's temporary. I can't co-sleep generally, but I did find that when E was a little bigger (3 months? 4?) I could do a dozing side-nursing thing like OMOM describes that was MUCH better than sitting up in bed trying to concentrate.

She's here!
And so are the boys!
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Old 11-19-2013, 08:56 AM
 
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@Sphinxy OMG I'm feeling your pain this morning... Last night was EPIC. I don't think I slept for more than 20 minutes at a time... Though like @onemommyonemama suggested, I avoid clocks at night so that I can't know how much sleep I'm missing exactly (it *is* comforting!). Z is already amazingly good at side-lying nursing, for which I'm grateful, but co-sleeping in our main bed doesn't work because there's also a dog and two cats (which is a whole 'nother issue for me!). On previous nights when Z was cluster feeding, I'd taken him into the other bedroom, which is pet-free... He'd still nurse for hours on end, but then settle down & sleep next to me. But MIL is in that room right now, so I tried getting up to nurse instead and also co-sleeping on one side of a pillow barricade to keep the pets away... Neither of which ended up working very well. Z just couldn't settle, I couldn't relax, and I'm exhausted. Of course, he's fast asleep now... DP will try to keep him that way, & I'm going back to bed.

I'm really into what y'all have said about babies changing fast... That's what I'm holding onto...!

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Old 11-19-2013, 12:34 PM
 
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Hi all - It's been a while, but I had a question and figured no better place than here for this discussion.  I'm trying to go back through the threads to catch up on you all, but so much has happened since I last read.  Congrats on all the new babies!

 

So I'm wondering how people deal with the line between your child's genetics being his story that he should own and seeming like you are hiding that history.  I was thinking about it today because my coworkers ALWAYS say how much N looks like me.  He's only 5 months, so he doesn't understand, and obviously he doesn't know (or have a concept of) that he's not my biological son.  So I just smile and go with it.  But at some point he'll hear comments (assuming he still looks like me, but there are other ways that people communicate the assumption), and if I don't correct people, I'm afraid he'll think I'm ashamed or something.  But I'm not out most places (like work), plus it's his business to tell or not tell whoever he wants.  Thoughts?  Obviously this is more relevant if you are trans or have a trans partner, but I thought a queer space would be more thoughtful about these issues in general.  Sometimes straight parent friends are just... too straight.  

 

Anyway, since it's been so long, here's N for your enjoyment.  He's 5 months now, but this picture is from about 4 months.

 

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Old 11-19-2013, 05:19 PM
 
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I was also one of the people who was ok with separating the threads. It was kind of overwhelming to keep up with everyone while I was pregnant. I didn't feel like I could really give much input on toddler issues when I didn't have a newborn yet. I'm totally cool with combining them again. I think it is really helpful to have us all together where we can talk about all the parenting issues. Hearing from people who were already parents while I was pregnant was invaluable.

escher-I hope you are all enjoying the last days of pregnancy and that your new baby arrives when it's ready and that the labor and birth are as great as can be.

knitting and mrs-Loving all the twin pictures! They look so wonderful! I hope you are getting a little rest. They are growing up so fast.

prettyisa-Congratulations on the twins (if I didn't already say so)! Has the shock worn off yet?

granite-Congratulations again on your beautiful big baby! That face is like butter! Thank you for sharing your reflections on your birth experience. Birth is incredibly intense and you don't really know how it will feel until you are in it. I think the most important thing is to feel good about your choices you make no matter what they are. I hope you are surviving ok. Hang in there! Things will change. Having family visit is tough especially when your hormones are making you a mess and making you cry already. I hope things are more even when it's just your little family.

seraf-Your kids are so cute and sweet with the way they love each other! Something to look forward to when having multiple kids.

OMOM--I hope you are feeling healthy soon and I wish you all the best with deciding and planning for a possible 3rd child.

sphinxy-I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Know that a lot of this is hormonal too. You can absolutely do this! It's just really hard at the beginning, but it does get better. What really helped me was going to a baby and me group. I started going at 6 weeks pp and it saved my sanity! I could barely get out of the house and I was incredibly anxious about leaving the house and about everything else. It was so helpful to talk with other parents who were in the same boat or who had survived having a newborn and lived to tell about it. We went out to lunch afterwards and that was how I got comfortable nursing in public. Do you have something like that near you? Mine was through my medical center. I also joined a local group of queer parents who had play dates in the park.
Don't worry too far ahead. By the time you go back to work, your baby will be very different. Mine has changed in just the few weeks since I went back to work. I used to worry about whether he would nap or take a bottle when I went back to work and by the time I did, he was doing both of those things very well. Nursing sessions will get shorter as baby gets stronger and more efficient. He will also learn to sleep better with time so getting him back to sleep will get faster. Not looking at the clock will probably help as others suggested. I used to lie awake with my mind racing and anticipating when he would wake up again and I couldn't sleep. I have gotten better at going back to sleep and that has helped.

e2w--N is looking great! The genetics thing can be weird. I get a lot of people making comments about DW's traits when I discuss C's. Since they aren't related at all genetically, it doesn't matter if DW is tall or has blue eyes, but it's interesting that people think that way. I just go along with it. I assume people will make lots of assumptions as time goes on. I guess I haven't thought too much about how I will respond to strange comments. My situation is different than yours though. You are genetically related to N even if not the bio dad, and he does look like you. I am the type to smile and nod because I don't always like explaining myself to people, but that doesn't work for everyone. I feel like some people deserve an explanation more than others. A stranger on the street doesn't need to know the whole story but good friends and family and doctors and such do need to know. If you try to explain it to everyone, it opens up a can of worms you may not always want to open.

AFM-Things are going pretty well. DS is sleeping better. Lately, he's only waking up 2 or 3 times and it's spaced out a few hours. DW is working from home on Mondays and they are having a great time. The first day was tough, but they have been fine since then. It gave DW an appreciation of how hard it was for me to be home with a newborn all day. She said she was amazed I got as much done as I did. Baby's doing great with the nanny and napping and eating well. Luckily, we have a great nanny. Right, cananny? wink1.gif



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Old 11-19-2013, 07:13 PM
 
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E2W, omg, chunkers! He is so adorable!

Sadly, we are still trying to navigate this, and DD is five. So when you figure it out...

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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Old 11-19-2013, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Who was worried about sleep? Sleep gets easier, even when it doesn't.

East, when you're looking for similarities, you'll find them. Just roll with it. Soren looks just like me, he's white, after all. Lol. Dd looks just like Sara to some people and her mama to others. People want to see similarities, so they do. And kids pick up facial expressions and mannerisms from their parents whether they're related or not. All mine "look so much alike" even though the only common feature is similar hair color.

Here's a picture of my four with a nephew thrown in. The nephew is the one with darker hair.

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Old 11-19-2013, 08:30 PM
 
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Healing energies and thoughts your way, seraf. So sorty to hear this. Hi splashing! smile.gif starling, I love that I found this community, and check in as often as I can, but it has been quiet. Would be fun if it picked up a bit!

Amadora has been teething, also has tried some squash a couple times. She is doing wonderfully mostly, but ghe teething is a bit intense lately. Poor dear. Going to get her an amber teething necklace. Older girls are doing well, too. Getting along well most of the time but still some surprising outbursts/fights.

I've been with DW , DD1(16), & DD2(12) since '09. Naturally birthed DD3 6/21/13. . Family of five females! LOVE makes a family.
M/C 2/10 ~Ahti Pan, forever in my heart.
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:05 PM
 
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@Sphinxy  for me, the desperation of sleep deprivation was the definitive line between the "survival" phase versus the "struggling but smiling" phase i'm in now. I was so fucking exhausted for so long. I do not know how I survive. I cried every day from sheer exhaustion. i brought home a four pound baby and a five pound baby. neither were especially good at nursing.  i spent - literally - 24 hours a day trying to breastfeed them at first. i was wracked with anxiety about their weight gain because they were so small. i could not conceptualize my life ever getting better. i could not even conceptualize surviving another day. but they are totally different now.  the twins are 14 weeks old, and i think the tide turned when they were 10 weeks old - which was 6 weeks adjusted for gestational age. you're on the cusp of greatness. hang tuff. once they have slightly bigger stomachs and a little more head control, it changes everything.

 

we do "bedtime" now from 7pm to 7am!! i would not have believed this was even possible if you told me about it 6 weeks ago. this doesn't mean that i (and the babies) are sleeping for 12 hours, but we are in bed, dammit. and despite the fact that my dear, sweet, very sorely missed wife is working nights several days a week, i manage to get a considerable amount of sleep even though i'm alone & breastfeeding twins. hang in there. get through one day at a time. take a lot of photos so you can remember the sweet stuff later, with nostalgia and sentimentality and you can totally forget the horrible, long nights of screaming (yours and his) and crying (yours and his) and sleeplessness. everything is so much different when you sleep 4 or 5 hours in a row. the sun shines brighter. the laundry smells cleaner. the baby is cuter. you're gonna get there. 

 

@easttowest it's totally awkward, but it's just a thing people do. it's stupid. they are trying to make conversation and they have very limited topics to discuss, that's all i can figure. we're a lesbian couple, and people still try to attribute characteristics to my wife. uhm, when i was like 6 weeks pregnant and we had an ultrasound at the fertility clinic WHERE WE GOT PREGNANT, one of the nurses implied that one of the fetuses was really tall and it was probably bc my DW is tall. i mean, these are the same people who put the sperm from the sperm bank into my uterus. i hope she was embarrassed. additionally, DW birthed our oldest kid 11 years before we got together, and some people still try to say he looks like me. he does not. at all. it's so awkward and dumb.

 

if you come up with any good insights, let us know. it is tough for me to navigate the "conception story" when strangers pry about it. i am not ashamed, and I don't have a problem sharing our story with queers who are trying to make babies, or close friends who just don't know the details of our journey (we were really private about the conception bc it was such a difficult, long, irritating process). when the kids are older, i dont want them to be embarrassed and i dont want them to think i am embarrassed. but i feel genuinely hostile when old ladies ask me where we got the sperm or "who is the mom?" i feel like it's the babies' origin story, and most strangers are "just curious" like, the way someone is curious about a circus sideshow, which feels disrespectful in relation how important someone's family is. i hope it is gets easier for me as time goes on. every time we go to target, we are asked invasive, personal questions by at least three strangers. it's exhausting. it's like, the combined power of queer moms + twins is open season for nosy assholes. i can't help but feel like if we were two ladies with one baby, every single person would not feel the need to have a conversation with us. clearly i need to cultivate some grace. 

 

i am just so disappointed with people's manners.


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Old 11-20-2013, 08:08 AM
 
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So many cute babies!

Knitting: 7 months! WOW! I'm glad that kindergarten is going well!

Mrs: It sounds so sweet that M and O are noticing each other. And sleeping better! Very impressive baby skills.

Granite: Hooray for your gorgeous baby! Good luck making it through the last couple of days with your MIL.

Seraf: A due date baby would be cool. Couldn't ask for a better birthday, right? What are you planning for your birthday?

OMOM: I'm so impressed that your went diaperless at 18 months! I'm sorry that you're dealing with nerve issues, but it is exciting that you're talking about #3!

East: We talk pretty openly about the donor when asked, but when someone says that our son looks like my wife or me we usually just say something neutral like "some people think so!" If someone gets insistent about it ("no, really, he looks exactly like you!") and we start feeling annoyed we sometimes tell them about how he looks a lot like his donor siblings too. But most of the time people seem to just be making (boring, slightly annoying) conversation.

AFM: We're considering preschool options for our son for next year. For those of you who send or plan to send your kids to school, at what age did/will they start?

whistling.gifMe, love.gif my wife, blowkiss.gifour son (2.5), and luxlove.gif our daughter (5 months)
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Old 11-20-2013, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mrs, it sounds like you're doing really well with managing nights!

Escher, I'll be working for my birthday and sending ELV your way, of course!

Back to kids looking like their NGP, it doesn't really bother me. More annoying were comments from strangers to my big kids' mama questioning her being a parent. "Is he REALLY yours? He has blue eyes and yours are brown!" Some strange hostility made every kind comment that much nicer.

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Old 11-20-2013, 09:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by granite View Post


Now FIL's gone, and MIL's driving me a different kind of crazy, by constantly talking about the dangers & risks of everything under the sun. My first go at carrying Z in the ring sling (which is totally rad, BTW! Babywearing FTW!) nearly gave her a heart attack, I swear. She couldn't believe he wasn't going to smother, or get cold, or fall out. I understand having anxiety problems, really I do, but that's why I go to therapy... And all her constant worry is totally stressing me out, and pulling at my hard-won sense of calm around being a new parent. DP's coping with her own variations on these themes as well... Blech. We're so glad her parents care enough about Z to fly across the country to see him... And so glad it'll be just the 3 of us after Thursday!

@granite. That is HARD, honey. Especially when you add in the murky soup of early post-partum emotions. I'm so sorry that they're sullying your beautiful babymoon!

It's a hard balance to accept the help and love from family and friends that aren't on the same page as you, while also maintaining healthy boundaries. We did some painful learning the first time round, which ultimately resulted in some firmer boundaries the second time around.

However, this is a great time to start fortifying the duckwax on your back and practicing letting that kind of crap roll right off.
What I've realized over time is that you have to meet people at their intentions first, and work at defining that fine line of where their good intentions are no excuse for what actually ensues. In your case, you might welcome FIL in your home anytime, but when he starts saying things like "Act like a man," or "Come on, kid, boys don't cry" or "What the hell are you doing letting him where pink and why isn't he EVER wearing any of the baseball/soccer/truck crap from Walmart that I gave him?" then that's when you'll need to point out the border roses lining your boundaries.

Border roses are pretty and smell nice, and are welcoming, but ultimately, they are prickly and make a damn fine barricade to keep out the truly unwanted/harmful crap the world will chuck your way in the name of "good intentions."
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sphinxy - You can do this! you are doing it smile.gif you just need some more sleep to feel human. sleep as much as you can during the day and go to bed earlier if you can. You will figure this out in January - but that is a ways off and babe will likely change habits by then.

@sphinxy ... I agree with what everyone else has said about waiting five minutes and things will change. And also, they won't. We still struggle with sleep with out oldest. She just plain needs a lot of nighttime parenting. So after a while, we started focusing on making it easier on us, rather than hoping/praying/pleading that her needs would lessen enough that we could reclaim our nights.
We cosleep.
We leave the lights off - always. No matter what. Even if we're up for a length of time, the lights stay off. We do have nightlights, and there's a crystal lamp in one of the rooms, but in our family bed room, the lights stay off.
No clocks for us either. If I need to know the time, I can check my phone.
We have a spare bed that any number of us can use. Sometimes one of us sleeps there (hardly EVER), but mostly, one of us and one of the kids will end up in there if it's a particularly rough night for the other kid. We also use that bed for matrimonial bliss, so to speak. Hehehehe.
Our eldest now starts the night in a twin bed at the foot of ours, but still ends up with us at nearly 5yo. She is a particularly highly sensitive kid, and it's just what she needs. She has zero interest in sleeping in her room. I bet our youngest will be in his own room before his sister, and that's okay.
Ultimately, your body and mind adjusts to the lack of sleep. It becomes the new normal, and you start to get clarity despite the haze.
People say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but that's never worked for me. I don't nap, ever, so when I had babies, it was hard at first to get enough sleep to function. Which remained true for a long time.
So I scaled back my expectations for myself and my home and my daily routine with the baby. It's okay to keep it all low key.
Practice saying NO to things.
Resists taking on new commitments, even if you think you can manage it.
Get outside every single day. Even if it's just to walk around the block in the foulest of weather.
Don't rush the domestic things ... they become your rhythm markers. Take your time with the laundry and dishes and such.
Wear your baby as much as you can. Truly, babywearing is such a salvation. ESPECIALLY for highly sensitive kids.
I STILL wear my nearly 5yo. She needs touch almost constantly. My 2yo won't have anything to do with the carrier, but my 5yo asks for it when she's feeling anxious or stressed.
Bottom line, you'll get to know your kid best. Your kid might adjust to be much more easily parented at night., or not.
Either way, it'll get so much easier. I promise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by easttowest View Post

So I'm wondering how people deal with the line between your child's genetics being his story that he should own and seeming like you are hiding that history.  

@easttowest: Scrumptious baby!
Disclosure: we tell pretty much anyone who asks. We love our miraculous conception story, and are always happy to share. It's my story and my partner's story first, and just like I'd be open about standard adoption, I'm open about our story. I think it's a great way to normalize families of all kinds, and to honour the unique way we become parents.
In our case, we adopted our kids as embryos, from another queer couple, so there are two other siblings and another set of parents involved, and we're all open. The egg-mama loves to share the story about her progeny, so we honour that by not requiring any secrecy or discretion based on our needs.
I don't tell absolutely everyone who asks, mind. I do trust my spidey-senses, and offer pieces of the story to varying degrees.
Some folks(strangers) assume I'm straight and have a husband and it was all missionary position, etc.
Some folks know that we're queer and that I carried.
Some folks know that there was something unique about our family, but haven't asked.
Some folks know the story.
Some folks know all the players in the story too.
I play it by ear. Also, I never feel obligated to explain, just because someone asks. If I don't feel like it, I'll deflect.
People say that my kids look like me all the time. They don't. No genetic link whatsoever.
People say that my kids look like my parter all the time. They do. Also, no genetic link whatsoever.
People say that my kids look like the other mama and her kids. They do. Genetically linked indeed.

Okay, long and rambly, but that's my two cents on the question.
(ps. I should also add that we live in a very crunchy neighbourhood full to the tits with lesbos and queers and that when I leave my little nest of acceptance and diverstity, I clam right up unless someone demonstrates that they are a queer ally right out of the gate. How'd ya like them apples? eyesroll.gif)

Hi and much love to everyone else, must run. I have to write twenty pages in the next two hours and my hands are already sore from painting E's room and putting together a little loft bed yesterday that she won't sleep in until she's a teenager (see above). But hey, the option's there!

dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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Old 11-20-2013, 09:59 AM
 
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Seraf ... Yes, it bothers me a lot when folks question my DP's role. I should mention that she doesn't share our conception story very often. She's not a sharesy kind of person to begin with, but sometimes will tell folks as she gets to know them and they start asking more about her family. At the park and such, when people ask if the kids are her's, all she says is YES. joy.gif
Me, I can't resist telling a good story.

dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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Old 11-20-2013, 10:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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All kinds of awesomeness in there, Starling!

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Old 11-20-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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Pokey--glad your little bub is enjoying nanny time--hard to imagine him not, considering the company he gets to keep! The shock is sort of wearing off, and we're starting to think of some good benefits to this setup. Every time we talk about buying 5 plane tickets, though, at least one of us gets all green around the gills.

E2W--what a cutie! I always take it as a compliment when people see DP in DD. It happens more often when they're out together without me (especially in the beginning DD looked like a little clone of me, but that's wearing off, and now people usually can't tell who carried, which I kind of love), but I always just interpreted it as them seeing their bond and how close DD is to DP and reading that into looking alike. We're pretty open about the donor/IVF thing, mostly because, as Starling said, we want to normalize it for people, so DD doesn't have to feel weird about being a 'test tube baby' later. We don't go into lots of details about our donor with strangers, though we hit a few highlights, and we never volunteer it. But if people are genuinely curious and not trying to find ways to be demeaning (so far this has never happened, and I hope it never will) I just answer. I feel like it's sort of her story to tell, and as she grows up if she has opinions on how she wants to share this information we'll defer to those. But for now we're making those decisions as her parents based on what we feel comfortable with--same with things like pictures on facebook, etc.--and hoping that she'll forgive us if we make a choice in good faith that it turns out later she wants us to change.

Coco--good luck with the teething. I think we're down to 2 left to come in, and I'm NOT looking forward to 2 year molars. It's just so sad to have them be miserable. Glad she's liking squash! Just in time for the holiday!

Mrs--Glad you're making it work! I love the idea of decamping to bed every night to make sure you ALL get what you need, as much as possible!

Escher--goodness! that's so soon! We're planning to stay with our daycare until DD is big enough for preK, I think (it might change with the new babies, depending, but we're really hoping we can work something out with our current place). My friends who have 2 1/2 year olds seem to be starting to look, though, so I think 3 is pretty common.

Starling--more options for matrimonial bliss! wink1.gif You're such an inspiration in that regard. We were getting things back together and now it's all gone to hell again with the tiredness and progesterone, but it's really nice to see that we may one day be interested in more than just holding hands again. Also, your kids' story always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about the goodness of humanity and love and stuff.

She's here!
And so are the boys!
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Isa, S just cut two of his 2 year molars without fuss! It can happen!

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Old 11-20-2013, 02:02 PM
 
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:) starling - so much awesome :)

 

I gotta check out this place more often - hi everyone!


Our family: mommy and DW mama our 5 yr old DD 'Z' and 2.5 yr old DD 'S' and waiting for (March 2015)


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