known donor questions (and worries) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 08-16-2013, 01:30 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi all,

I know that there have been multiple past threads about KD stuff, but I have a few specific questions and I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to talk about their experience.


My lovely wife and I are hoping to start TTC in just about exactly one year, when she will be 31 and I will be 30. The hope is that I'll be the one getting pregnant, so we're waiting til I finish my MSW program and take my initial licensure exam. We are so excited! It feels like way way too long, but there's lots to do to get ready (I mean, besides finishing my degree!) and it's exciting to think that it's finally time to start doing those prep things.


We would really like to use a known donor for a number of reasons. Frankly, a primary one is financial - I can't imagine circumstances under which we'd ever be able to afford banked sperm - but it is also our first choice for other reasons. We have struggled to think of people we would want/feel comfortable asking, but have had an uneasy list of potential ask-ees for a while now. It's felt really discouraging in some ways, because the whole idea of asking has felt so complicated and scary.


Very recently I thought of someone who might be kind of perfect, and who for some reason hadn't come to mind earlier. This is the husband (D) of a very dear friend of mine. I used to work with her, but they moved to a city a few hours away about a year ago. Although the primary friendship is between me and P, the wife, we have spent time together as two couples and really enjoy one another's company. P and D have an eight-month-old daughter - my partner and I adore her. They are older than us - early 40s - and I don't think are likely to have another child, although I don't think they've ruled it out.


D feels like an ideal choice for so many reasons. He is an amazing, smart, progressive (radical) guy who cares about us and respects queer families. He is someone I would love to have in my child's life, and who I think could handle the complexity of being connected without being dad. They leave relatively nearby (we could do out and back in one day if necessary). He is a great communicator, as is P.


So.... ok. That was a long intro.

But I'm wondering if people have had experiences of working with KDs who are a) good friends but not super-amazingly-close friends, and b) married w/ kids of their own. I can't quite figure out why, but I keep thinking it would be easier if we were thinking about asking a single guy or a partnered guy who didn't have or want his own children.


Also, I really really value D and P's friendship, as does my partner. This kind of process feels like it could potentially bring people closer together, but also has the potential to strain or damage relationships. It feels really scary to ask. I want them to say yes, but I also want them to say no if that is the right answer for them.


Anyone who asked someone initially by email feel willing to share the email or the template? How did ask-ees respond? Does it make sense to address the email to the couple, since that is really where the relationship lies, or just to D?


Mostly I guess I just want to hear people's experiences. If there is someone out there who's worked with a KD who is married and had kids of his own, and who is also a valued friend, I'd especially welcome those stories - did it work, was it ultimately a bad idea, what do you wish you'd known before you began the process?


Thanks so much!

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#2 of 4 Old 08-30-2013, 07:56 AM
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Hi Mollymae. Just wanted to push your post up for attention.


Anyone have any experience or advice to share?

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#3 of 4 Old 08-30-2013, 02:47 PM
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I'm new to this board, but have been ttc for a year and a half now. We started off using frozen sperm from a bank, but it started feeling so expensive for something that may or may not ever work! So I decided to try to find a KD.
I was incredibly lucky that the first (and only) person on my list said yes.
He sounds similar to your potential KD. He is married, with one child who is about a year and a half old. He and his wife have agreed that they don't want any more children. He is a friend of mine, but we aren't that close, only seeing each other a couple times a year, but my partner and I both get along with him and his wife just fine.
I really like the fact that he has a wife and a child already, it feels much more like his life is settled, that he is less likely to change his mind about what kind of relationship he would want with MY child in the future. If he was single and without children of his own, I would worry more about him potentially freaking out at some point and deciding that my baby was his.
I also really like the way he and his wife are raising their baby, we have very similar parenting styles I think, and could easily see a future where we let our child have some kind of relationship with him and his family, like cousins or something.
All that being said, we also went to a fancy lesbian lawyer and got an expensive, very secure contract written up that both the donor and his wife signed before we started. An essential step, no matter how much you trust and like the donor.

As for how I asked, I wrote a very awkward email to the donor, asking him to think about it, talk it over with his wife, and take their time. They took a couple weeks before saying yes, asking a few questions about what type of relationship I was envisioning, etc.
Like I said, I feel really lucky that it worked out so easily. I know many people that had to ask tons of people before they got a yes!

Now if only the getting knocked up part was going as quickly and easily!
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#4 of 4 Old 08-30-2013, 03:34 PM
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:wto the Queer Parenting forum kbfs and Mollymae!  We did not use a known donor but lots of folks here did.  There are some older threads like this one that you can check out.  There may be discussions within the Queer Conceptions threads also.  Good luck to you on your TTC journeys!  

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