Hi all firstly thank you for welcoming me into this group , i am in desperate need of advice i'm so sad and upset at my partner at what i perceive to be an incredibly selfish attitude toward my son and my parenting choices.
My Girlfriend and i have been attempting to be together for over two years. Due to my long and complicated divorce form my ex, being in Texas and being a foreigner i have felt very very vulnerable and following legal advice we have been taking things slowly postponing moving in together until i have the final decree of my divorce.
In the midst of all this my girlfriend found a house to rent that is perfect for all of us. Even though i made no promise as to when i could move in , and was clear that it would have to be after the decree she rented the house because she wanted to paint and get it ready for all of us. Extremely sweet sentiments and i was so touched. I could really see our lives take shape.
However in the last couple of moths as we are getting down to the wire with the divorce she has been increasingly impatient. She has been downright grumpy and all we seem to do is argue. When my son is with my ex we used to make love , now all we do is argue. I have gotten her to agree to go to therapy as i want to deal with all the stress of waiting before we finally blend our family, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
Due to this i felt pressured to make a move sooner rather than later so even though my divorce is not finalized i told my ex that i will be moving in with her and i also told my son who is 9.He has a great relationship with my girlfriend they have known each other for about 5 yrs and love each other deeply but when i told him we would be moving in with my girlfriend he gave the heart wrenching response that he wasn't ready , he didn't want to to do it. That he needed one house to stay constant and not be changing ( his dad just moved earlier this year) after breaking his heart about this he said that he would be ready in the new year. Since its only a month later than we planned i thought there would be no problem in agreeing to that for him. I want to give our family the best footing to get started on.. I don't want him to hate my partner and see her as the reason he had to move when he didn't want to. I feel that he has been through so much already , divorce, his mum coming out taking things a little slower to get him ready for this big transition seems like a great idea.
My girlfriend went ballistic. i betrayed her. She said some ugly things about my son.
Right now i just don't know if i was expecting too much form her in expecting her to act like a parent and put my sons best interest before her own wants and desires.
The thing is i wanted to move in sooner too but i put this to the side as a mother, that's what you do.
Now i am doubting as to whether she is even ready to be a step parent?
Do you guys know of any good books on being a queer step parent or have advice?
I am feeling utterly torn by the whole affair but as a mother i will always put my kid first. period. My girlfriend knows this about me and admired it. Now it is a reason to break up with me ( a threat last night)
I'm not here to reply, but to just reach out to you and give your thread a little boost so some others will see it.
This sounds like a really hard situation, and I'm sorry, and I hope someone that has handled something like this will be along soon.
P.S Welcome to Mothering!
That does sound like a really hard situation all around. I don't have experience from a parental standpoint, but having been a kid of divorce I guess I would say that it seems to me your girlfriend's reaction is a signal that you should take a big step back. If you want to continue the relationship, maybe continuing therapy but staying in your current house would be a good solution until you feel like these issues are resolved and that it's a positive move for you and your son instead of just an expected one. Your son has had his world torn apart (whether for better or for worse, depending on how things were with your ex) and needs some time to adjust. And it sounds like your relationship with your girlfriend isn't going to give him a stable, happy place to be his home base unless some major things change. I know it's hard to be alone, especially when you're in love with someone, but sometimes it's the right choice to make. Lots of luck in figuring out what path to take!
And so are the boys!
Hugs, Ginger! I'm sorry you are dealing with all this stuff. I have a 6 y.o. son with my ex-wife, and have dealt with some of these issues. I think you are doing a great job in putting your son first, even if it means you delay your own happiness for a little while. My girlfriend (who doesn't have kids) was very understanding about the fact that I was not willing to move, and although she wanted to move in with me sooner than I was ready for, she respected that I had to make the best decision for my son and waited as long as I asked her to before we started living together. If she had pressured me, I don't think we would have lasted.
In your case, you definitely need to evaluate what your girlfriend has to offer, and if you think her behavior is appropriate for a partner or co-parent. It sounds like you have known each other for a while, but it's hard to tell how long you have been in a romantic relationship (including how long that was known to your son). My ex is in a relationship with someone previously known to my son as a family friend, and my son was really confused about it, and said no way when I explained that they were girlfriends like me and DP. I think he is getting used to it, but it took about 2 years.
On another note, while I think kids are adaptable, divorce can turn their worlds upside down, and a house move can be far harder to accept than for kids who are not dealing with divorce. My ex is planning to move for the fourth time, which my son seems ok with, but each time she has moved, he wondered if maybe she was coming back to live with me. Kids understand that their parents might not get along, but I think for a little while they still hold out hope that their parents might get back together and end the constant back and forth. I know it would be FAR easier for my son if he wasn't always switching houses. I don't necessarily think he should have a say in the move, but I would certainly ask him about it and see what concerns come up.
I truly wish you luck in dealing with this situation!
I'm really sorry about how difficult this is. I am also in a stepparent relationship and there are many challenges. I agree that divorce can be really hard on kids and that you want to give your son time to adjust. But you also may not want him to be in charge of making this decision either. You want his input but as the adult you need to decide what is best. Blending families can be extremely stressful and if you are doing it while also going through a divorce that can make things even more tense. It sounds like you and your partner should take some time to work on your relationship. Figure out why she got so upset to begin with. It may be that she is just feeling really insecure about your commitment to her and that she is feeling undervalued because (given your child's needs and the impending divorce) her needs are not very high on the list. You have known each other long enough it sounds that you should both be able to take some deep breathes and talk about this honestly. It's possible that everything else in your relationship is so tense right now that this particular issue just set her off. I say pause for second, regroup, reconnect and then revisit.
It's not just that your partner isn't putting your son's best interest first- she isn't putting your best interests first, either. It is in your best interests to make sure the divorce is finalized before moving. It is in the best interest of the relationship between you and your partner for your son to adjust well to this transition, too.
I see a lot of red flags in your post. That she got the house before you were ready to move in- it could have been a sweet gesture, but given her later behavior, it comes off as manipulative and pushy. You told her a very clear time frame for legal reasons. I realize that you may have to move it back for your son's sake, but like you said- only a month. That she's freaking out because your son said he isn't ready is a really bad sign, in my mind. You're a parent, she's signing herself to step into a parental role as well. She needs to be able to have realistic expectations of your son, to have empathy towards his situation, and to understand that you are going to have to put his needs over your own and, yes, over her own as well sometimes.
This strikes me as something you two need to sort out before you move. It's good that you two are in counseling, but it seems like a big red flag that the counseling isn't helping.
I hope this isn't the case- but I can't help but feel like she's in love with you as an individual, but not with you as a parent or you and your son as a family. Even if she does love your son, loving a child and being prepared to be a full time caregiver are two different things. If that is the case- you two can still date and be together, but I don't think living together will work out very well for any of you. I could be reading too much into it, though.
Are you helping her with the price of the house at all? Is it possible that the reason she freaked out at the idea of postponing it is because she's having a hard time affording it on her own and thought she would have your help sooner?
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Happily married since 4/30/2009 Our first was born 4/23/2013