I'm desperate to talk to someone about my sexuality - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-12-2014, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello to all on this forum. :)

 

Please be patient because for me, this is a huge step and I have been shy about my sexuality, preferring women. I have been bisexual for 4 years now, but only recently fallen in love with my mentor and family security officer Mark. Though older than me but not ancient, he is very understanding of female sexuality, for his late wife was Bisexual and yet they enjoyed such a wonderful relationship together right up to the time she and her little girl were killed in a terrorist incident in London. Mark left his SAS regiment after that, and came to work for my family. Over 5 years he's become 'family', and taken to me in a most remarkable way when I became adopted by them.

 

I have had relationships before with women, for have always believed sexuality to be a fluid thing. To me, it's not the gender of the person one falls in love with, but their character which, in Mark, have found extremely attractive. Hard to explain, but in him I see not only a father figure, but also an equal as he has taught me self-defence in unarmed close combat, ran 10 miles and back again regularly during workout sessions my mother agreed I should do, and Mark has taught me survival. All in all, he says I am remarkably tough, unrelentingly so. He also has such a deep love in virtually everything I put my hand to, and he's being a wonderful father to my little one whose original father tragically died.

 

I have no girlfriend at present, though there is someone a little older than me who I socialise with, when I have time alone. Mark is cool about that, dear man. But I am wondering if, when we get married in a year to eighteen months time, will my bisexuality affect our marriage?

 

Lastly, I have to admit feeling rather perplexed in coming here because the word "queer" is known in England to be an offensive word. Other names such as 'dyke', 'faggot' are viewed in the UK as offensive. Queer, on the other hand, means 'strange', or 'different', but also the label suggests 'not one of us'. I realise in America or Canada the name must obviously be very fondly regarded, but nevertheless, this has kept me extremely reticent to come here until now.

 

Throughout this last week I have been reading lots and lots here and see just how warm hearted you are to one another. So perhaps someone who feels led would like to contact me by PM, or answer me on my thread.

 

All the very best,

Shyly, but in friendship,  :)

Alexa Tsarev

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Old 04-13-2014, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I am disappointed and feel discouraged that 35 people have read my thread, but not one has responded. I think that is a pretty poor reaction, thought there might have been someone caring enough to have offered me guidance. I am not in a realtionship with any woman, or plan to, but some response would have been most welcome.

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Old 04-13-2014, 12:53 PM
 
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[quote name="Spiderpig" url="/community/t/1400400/im-desperate-to-talk-to-someone-about-my-sexuality#post_17608362". But I am wondering if, when we get married in a year to eighteen months time, will my bisexuality affect our marriage?
[/quote]

I don't think you should be bummed out yet that you haven't gotten any responses yet. I think you question is just specific and maybe the post hasn't been read yet by someone who can really give you some insight. Hang in there. Good luck.
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Old 04-13-2014, 02:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[quote name="Spiderpig" url="/community/t/1400400/im-desperate-to-talk-to-someone-about-my-sexuality#post_17608362". But I am wondering if, when we get married in a year to eighteen months time, will my bisexuality affect our marriage?
[/quote]

I don't think you should be bummed out yet that you haven't gotten any responses yet. I think you question is just specific and maybe the post hasn't been read yet by someone who can really give you some insight. Hang in there. Good luck.


Thank you very much. You have no idea what this means to me. You give me hope. :)

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Old 04-13-2014, 02:48 PM
 
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Hi there! Welcome. :-)
It sounds like you know who you are and have found a really loving partner. That's great! As for whether or not your bisexuality will affect your marriage, what do you think? Would Mark be open to you continuing to see your other friend once you are married? If he is cool with it now, I don't see why his feelings would suddenly change just because you become married.
I hope the slow response doesn't discourage you too much. There are a lot of lurkers around here! Give it a little more time.

Queer parent on the adventure of a lifetime raising my sweet little guy, born at home in September 2012, with the love of my life by my side!
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Old 04-13-2014, 03:06 PM
 
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I don't necessarily think being bi has to affect a monogamous relationship, any more than being straight does. Those of us who are in monogamous relationships, whether gay or straight, all do need to come to terms with the fact that we are going to sometimes feel attracted to someone other than our partner. We also need to relax and accept the fact that no one other person is going to be able to meet every single one of our emotional, mental, psychological, sexual, or any other kind of needs one hundred percent of the time.

 

We need to develop some sort of spiritual connection to what I like to think of as the deep processes of life, to be still and confident in the sense that we are fully loved and fully loveable, just as we are, and, also, to borrow that word you used, we need to be fluid and attentive to the gifts Life brings our way, whether in the form of people or loving dogs or a cold glass of water -- we need to be attentive enough to see what's being offered to us and fluid enough to relax our expectations regarding how we thought the gift was supposed to be wrapped, and just receive it thankfully.

 

I really think the key to success in most relationships is first learning that even when we're sitting in a dark room alone, we're already connected to everything we need.


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Old 04-13-2014, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi there! Welcome. :-)
It sounds like you know who you are and have found a really loving partner. That's great! As for whether or not your bisexuality will affect your marriage, what do you think? Would Mark be open to you continuing to see your other friend once you are married? If he is cool with it now, I don't see why his feelings would suddenly change just because you become married.
I hope the slow response doesn't discourage you too much. There are a lot of lurkers around here! Give it a little more time.

 

Hello - and to mamma1_mamma

 

Thankk you both for your responses. I'm not well this evening, so will be brief. Regarding Mark, once I am married to him I will not have a relationship with another woman because I feel it would not be fair to his feelings. Let's see this from a reverse prospective: would I be happy if I was straight and Mark was Bi, how would I feel if he had a relationship with another man? I'd not be too happy about that, so this is what I decided this evening.

 

I am sneezing and runny nosing so much right now that I'll have to log out. Sorry. But I'll be back tomorroh

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Old 04-13-2014, 03:30 PM
 
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Regarding Mark, once I am married to him I will not have a relationship with another woman because I feel it would not be fair to his feelings. Let's see this from a reverse prospective: would I be happy if I was straight and Mark was Bi, how would I feel if he had a relationship with another man? I'd not be too happy about that, so this is what I decided this evening.

Well... he might not feel the same way. He might be okay with you having another relationship on the side (polyamory) or just having another sex partner on the side without it also being a romantic relationship. Some people have open marriages. Some don't. I personally would not have one, but I wouldn't tell somebody else that they should not, if they think that is best for them. I think Mark is the only person who can really answer whether it is fair to his feelings or not. It is good that you are being so considerate of his feelings in this. 

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Old 04-13-2014, 03:52 PM
 
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Let's see this from a reverse prospective: would I be happy if I was straight and Mark was Bi, how would I feel if he had a relationship with another man? I'd not be too happy about that, so this is what I decided this evening.

By the same token, dh and I are both straight, and neither of us would be happy if the other had an affair with someone else, whether that person was of the opposite or the same sex. See where I'm going with this? There's absolutely no reason why anyone can't choose to commit themselves to one person sexually. We are all going to sometimes feel attracted to someone else. Being monogamous doesn't mean that you never notice or feel sexually attracted to anyone else -- it just means that you're valuing the relationship more than you value the fleeting thrill that you might get by being unfaithful.

 

Hope you  feel better soon!


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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Old 04-13-2014, 05:28 PM
 
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Monosexual people feel attraction to those outside their marriage all the time- there's no reason it'd be less dangerous to the relationship than bisexuality. It's incredibly rare for one person to fulfill your every single need, and people change as time goes on. A person may have a kink that their partner just cannot get into, but meeting another attractive person who does share that kink doesn't mean the person will cheat. Or you may meet someone who's younger, more attractive, richer, more adventurous, shares a certain like, etc etc etc. There are so many things beyond gender or genitalia that your partner may not have that you desire in someone else. Yet, most people are able to have monogamous relationships without cheating.

 

Monogamy/polyamory and sexuality are related, but separate. There are individual bi folk who would never consider a monogamous relationship, and there are individual bi folk who would never consider being with more than one person at a time, and there are individual bi folk who are happy either way. It isn't entirely about your sexuality, again it's related, but it's about you. You need to look within and figure out what it is for you. The woman you socialize with, I assume it's more than platonic- how do you feel about ending that relationship right now, making it purely friends-only? I'm being serious here, you want to be monogamous with Mark- so why aren't you? You do not have to defend yourself to me, I don't have any personal attachment to the answer and I won't judge you for it, you have to honestly answer that question for yourself.

 

Frankly, marriage does not change that much. If you're in a committed, loving relationship, getting married is only celebrating the existing relationship, it only changes it in the eyes of the law. It may change it in the eyes of your religion as well, but I know people who felt spiritually bonded before they got officially married, so even that doesn't always change. Any relationship dynamic that exists now will likely exist while you're married. If you aren't happy being only with Mark now, a wedding ring is unlikely to change that.

 

Be honest about this. If you lie to yourself because you want to think you can be happy monogamous, you are opening the door to great heartache. Even if you can repress the desires, if it makes you miserable- Mark will know, and it will make him just as miserable that you're miserable. Marriages based on that kind of repression are not happy ones. You don't have to tell us. You don't have to tell your family. But you owe honesty to both yourself and to Mark.

 

Now, if the answer is that you think you need to be with another woman to be happy, don't give up on Mark without talking to him. If he cannot be okay with you two being married and you seeing a woman on the side, then, fine, you two are better off going your separate ways. But he could be perfectly content like that, I've known monogamous people who are happily with a polyamorous person who has other relationships. It can work out beautifully. It doesn't matter how you would feel if the situation were reversed- it's not. What matters is the situation you are in now, the relationship you have now. If Mark would genuinely be content being married to you while you had sex or even a relationship with a woman on the side, if you could both be happy like that, why give that up just because in a hypothetical alternate universe you don't think you could do the same? If you refuse happiness because of hypotheticals, you'll never be happy. Would you honestly deny yourself and Mark happiness, just because of some hypothetical? Why?

 

You really need to be honest with him about this. Even if there's only a small chance you may feel the need to be with a woman, tell him. It is a bad idea to go in hiding a desire like that. If you get married and realize you're totally happy and fulfilled with him and don't need to be with a woman, then there's no harm done. If you get married and realize that you aren't happy without being with a woman, then there will be the risk for a lot of harm.

 

As for queer- it's really a locational thing. I know plenty of people across the world who find 'queer' to be empowering, and I know people in the US who cannot use it for the same reasons. I know English people who identify as queer and dyke and faggot, and I know Americans who never would. No one's forcing a label on you, queer is just the most inclusive term.


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Old 04-13-2014, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sillysapling, thank you for what you have written, but I think in part you have misunderstood me. I am faithful to Mark, but I do not have any sexual relationship with anyone else, neither male or female though I remain attracted to females. Tonight although feeling ghastly from an ongoing cold, I may not be very coherent, but I am very happy with Mark and intend to go on in my relationship with him. Only what I was wondering was, if it is wrong to remain having feelings of attraction to women? As said, I don't have a girlfriend per se, other than a bisexual friend whom I talk girl stuff with. Other than ((hugs)) and the bussing of cheeks as is customary among close friends and family, I have done nothing and intend nothing more with her, because I would feel bad for Mark.

 

Mark late wife was bisexual and he allowed her to follow her desires into meeting with other women. Only I would not be happy as previously said if the roles were reversed. I posted in this forum to receive feedback so I could work on what so many have now returned with; food for thought, and very good food it is, too. I am fulfilled already in my relationship with Mark that blossomed last year, only I needed to plumb the depths with you ladies so as get a bigger picture. No harm done with Mark and I most certainly do not, I have decided tonight, intend to share my bed with that of another woman. But as said, I remain naturally attracted to them, and providing I don't action on that, then I do not see any harm will come of it. Again I say, tonight I have been giving a lot of though ass to what others have so wisely written and am grateful for their response.

 

Quoting you: 'Or you may meet someone who's younger, more attractive, richer, more adventurous,'

 

I would most certainly not want to meet someone who is richer than me - haha, omg if you only knew!  :rotflmao  And most certainly not anyone more adventurous as Mark has gone far more in adventure with me, eg. paragliding, abseiling, him teaching me offensive unarmed close combat to such a degree that I beat the ar** off one of his men I misstook for a stalker. Hahahaa - and I am not wanting neither desiring a younger man because being brutally honest I am not interested even in the most adorable looking adonis. Mark is an attractive man, and is a man of his own means both financially and in his awesome capabilities that he learnt when in the SAS. Except the most important of all is his being so loving to my little girl that every evening he comes home from work, Juniper runs into his arms just she does me every night.

 

Wealth, incidentally, has had such a negative effect on me that I shun it for fear of catching that 'virus' of arrogance etc that often is associated with rich and affluent lifestyles. Not for me, and though Mark owns some bling! cars as do my family, that is not and never will be the basis on which I run my life. Incidentally also though off-topic, after I sobbed out what my late mother did to me (unspeakable things), that was when mum Rachel got a nanny in to help me with baby Juniper. This nanny grew with my family to help me cope with learning to live again after I had a breakdown at age 13. Megs (is her name) has looked after Juniper, but at the end of each day when I walk in the door, like Juniper does to Mark, so she runs into my arms "Mummy mummy!" and wraps her arms around me. Oh yes, I am mummy alright as Juniper receives my most adoring love after work, and uring lunchtimes when I am home

 

Sorry for my diction if I haven't been able to explain myself sufficiently because of this cold, but I just want to say a BIG thank you to all of you who have shared on my thread. I am learning. I have a long way to go yet. But i will get there in the end.

 

Until tomorrow ~ goodnight. :)

 

*Edited for spelling

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Old 04-13-2014, 07:42 PM
 
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Hi, it's totally possible to be bi and also monogamous. My wife and I are both both of those things. Sometimes we joke about having sex with guys, but I'm not at all interested in polyamory, and since she knows that monogamy is a condition of being with me, she doesn't pursue outside flings or relationships. Occasionally either of us will have a crush on someone else (male or female). We usually tell each other and have a giggle about it, and maybe some teasing here or there, but it never goes anywhere. If you are sure you want to be with one particular person and that person wants to be with you, you can make that commitment and then the fact that you're attracted to other people from time to time is just a distraction--like someone else said, straight people have passing attractions all the time that they either do or don't act on. I think it's healthy to acknowledge crushes, since it keeps you honest. Not everyone feels that way, but for me, once it's out in the open that i think so and so is hot, I don't get obsessive or spend as much time thinking about it. And knowing who my wife is attracted to also makes me trust her more to see those people, since it's not something she's hiding from me.
Good luck sorting things out! Oh, and a lot of those views are probably also people who read and need to think before responding, or are on their phones and don't have time to type out a response right away!

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Old 04-13-2014, 07:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, it's totally possible to be bi and also monogamous. My wife and I are both both of those things. Sometimes we joke about having sex with guys, but I'm not at all interested in polyamory, and since she knows that monogamy is a condition of being with me, she doesn't pursue outside flings or relationships. Occasionally either of us will have a crush on someone else (male or female). We usually tell each other and have a giggle about it, and maybe some teasing here or there, but it never goes anywhere. If you are sure you want to be with one particular person and that person wants to be with you, you can make that commitment and then the fact that you're attracted to other people from time to time is just a distraction--like someone else said, straight people have passing attractions all the time that they either do or don't act on. I think it's healthy to acknowledge crushes, since it keeps you honest. Not everyone feels that way, but for me, once it's out in the open that i think so and so is hot, I don't get obsessive or spend as much time thinking about it. And knowing who my wife is attracted to also makes me trust her more to see those people, since it's not something she's hiding from me.
Good luck sorting things out! Oh, and a lot of those views are probably also people who read and need to think before responding, or are on their phones and don't have time to type out a response right away!

 

This is just so uplifting when I read that your crushes "never go anywhere". Neither do mine and Mark certainly has no feelings for anyone else on any romantic side except me. When we first met there was instant attraction and when I was recovering from that dreadful breakdown, the number of times I cried it all out in his arms made me feel safe like a little bird in the nest. Haa, I liked your last sentence. That's what i was thinking at the time. xD

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Old 04-13-2014, 08:02 PM
 
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Ah, I misunderstood this part: "though there is someone a little older than me who I socialise with, when I have time alone. Mark is cool about that, dear man". If it's purely platonic, he certainly should be cool with it! You have every right to have friends, even bi friends that you can talk about your sexuality with. It's really valuable to have someone who understands, it'd be very disturbing if he weren't cool with it.

 

Now, those were just examples. Even if Mark is perfect in every way, you can still understand my point- there are so many ways that people can be attracted to someone else, even someone who has something their partner doesn't have, and that still doesn't mean the person will cheat or that it'll be a problem for the relationship.  None of those are things that'd really appeal to me either, but they appeal to some people. Even people who are content with their life and would never change it can engage in idle fantasies.

 

If you're content being monogamous- there is no reason that you should have a problem being bi and married. Even if you were straight, it's very possible you'd find attraction to men beyond Mark, and I'd expect that Mark would sometimes find other women attractive. Plenty of couples tease each other about celebrity crushes or about how someone was flirting with them. Harmless crushes are common and normal, and happen regardless of sexuality. You never know if you will fall in love with another person and completely upend our life and marriage, but it could be with another man and it happens to monosexual people as well, your sexuality really doesn't make it more or less likely to happen.


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Old 04-15-2014, 03:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ah, I misunderstood this part: "though there is someone a little older than me who I socialise with, when I have time alone. Mark is cool about that, dear man". If it's purely platonic, he certainly should be cool with it! You have every right to have friends, even bi friends that you can talk about your sexuality with. It's really valuable to have someone who understands, it'd be very disturbing if he weren't cool with it.

 

Now, those were just examples. Even if Mark is perfect in every way, you can still understand my point- there are so many ways that people can be attracted to someone else, even someone who has something their partner doesn't have, and that still doesn't mean the person will cheat or that it'll be a problem for the relationship.  None of those are things that'd really appeal to me either, but they appeal to some people. Even people who are content with their life and would never change it can engage in idle fantasies.

 

If you're content being monogamous- there is no reason that you should have a problem being bi and married. Even if you were straight, it's very possible you'd find attraction to men beyond Mark, and I'd expect that Mark would sometimes find other women attractive. Plenty of couples tease each other about celebrity crushes or about how someone was flirting with them. Harmless crushes are common and normal, and happen regardless of sexuality. You never know if you will fall in love with another person and completely upend our life and marriage, but it could be with another man and it happens to monosexual people as well, your sexuality really doesn't make it more or less likely to happen.

 

 

Unquestionably Mark is totally cool with my having lesbian and bi friends. It's a trust thing between us, but he knows I wouldn't do stuff with them. Matter of fact, I have no desire to anymore anyway. Not now though I had in the past, brief encounters. But nevertheless I still find older women deeply attractive, a soft gooey look all over my face when seeing Joanna Lumley on television - and she's 67! Such a gorgeous voice and sweet, sweet mannerisms. :)

 

Before I fell in love with Mark I had a brief and unforgettable encounter with a woman whose memory implanted itself in my heart long after. When I came home (it was a holiday cruise in the Mediterranean) I wrote this in my journal and only share it here because it seems so appropriate, and soft, and gentle.

 

A story of love remembered from a time long gone by

 

She smiled shyly and lowered her eyes; a demure action from opposite me where we sat at a street cafe. There was no mistaking then. Her head tilted slightly to one side when I spoke to her; her pupils enlarged as she lisped back about the day that she enjoyed on the ship from whence we'd embarked; strangers then. She asked me questions about myself. Like, what was it about archery that attracted me instead of some other sport? And how old was I, to which I spoke honestly. And all the time we talked she never took her eyes off me once.

 

The nearby traffic noise paled away as she spoke of a recent relationship going sour, and it was then that our fingers unclasped to reach out and touch the other's. She asked me for a cigarette, so I opened the carton and offered her one. I struck a match and cupping it, enclosed her shaky hands in mine as the flame lit the pungent sweet Turkish tobaccos, and all the time our eyes never wandered from each other's. Moments passed as she inhaled the sweet smoke and I let the time linger in quiet, seductive minutes until she extinguished her cigarette. I said let's return to our ship, and after leaving payment for our coffees on the table I took her hand in mine and led her back.

 

On our return, we didn't say anything except occasionally exchange fond glances; the attraction was already there just waiting to spill out on the sheets in that memorable afternoon. And as I sit, I remember her dark hair falling like a mantle about our faces as we clung to each other in those precious moments of a stolen lover's tryst. All it took was that one demure look, that shy lowering of her forty year old sooty eyelashes and her softly thanking me in the afterglow. 

 

Since then I am happy being monogamous; take one day at a time, live for the moment with this lovely gentle gentleman who adores my little girl, who calls him Daddy.

 

Thank you, and everyone, for your sharings. :)

 

Alex

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