The hardest decision I've ever made - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 7 Old 06-01-2014, 05:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Unhappy The hardest decision I've ever made

I need some support.

We are turning down the chance to adopt one of our daughter's older siblings. There are many reasons for this, some I won't go into, but among them are the girl's significant special needs and attachment issues. We just don't feel like we can handle them, and it's not fair to our barely one year old daughter to take all the time and attention away from her. We feel like the older sister needs to be the only or youngest child in a family. In our state we'd also have to hide our family until the adoption was completed, which given all the factor involved could take a year or more.

I know, absolutely know, we've made the right decision for this child and our family. But I feel incredibly guilty. I want the girls to be together. I also love the older sister.

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#2 of 7 Old 06-01-2014, 05:25 AM
 
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I just saw this on the new posts page. My situation is a bit different but I adopted my kids from foster care as a single parent. Both of my kids have sibling who were adopted by other families, for various reasons. My son has strong relationships with both of his bio-sisters. The grown ups work hard to support those relationships. DS's big sister sounds a lot like your DD's sister. She has thrived in get adoptive family and her family adopted a younger daughter last year. None of us ever thought that would be a possibility.

DD has no relationship with her older half sisters and hasn't seen her younger brothers in a few years. She longs to see her little brothers again.

Would you be open to ongoing contact with big sister's future adoptive family?
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#3 of 7 Old 06-01-2014, 07:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Polliwog -of course! As long as the adoptive family is. A lot of people close adoptions in these situations, and often for good reasons. We'll have to wait and see who the adoptive family is and what their feelings on the subject are. I wish things were differently, but I don't feel we can handle the girl's needs (if we didn't have DD things would be different) and I don't want to subject my family to a year or more of pretending we're not who we are.

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#4 of 7 Old 06-01-2014, 08:46 AM
 
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Polliwog -of course! As long as the adoptive family is. A lot of people close adoptions in these situations, and often for good reasons. We'll have to wait and see who the adoptive family is and what their feelings on the subject are. I wish things were differently, but I don't feel we can handle the girl's needs (if we didn't have DD things would be different) and I don't want to subject my family to a year or more of pretending we're not who we are.
Actually, research supports openness when safe and healthy for the children. We actually have contact with DS's birth mother and her family. It's actually a wonderful thing. We would never be able to have that with DD's birth mother.
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#5 of 7 Old 06-01-2014, 08:34 PM
 
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RS11 - Big hugs to you and your family! As a foster mom, I think about those possible situations happening for us too - but we haven't faced it yet. I respect that you can recognize what is right for your family and not subject your daughter to undue stress or harm. I hope that things work out so that you'll get to stay in contact. My DFS has 3 older siblings and ideally he could have a relationship with them - but I fear the violent history and associations of the bio family. Even if it would be a safe contact now, I worry about that changing in the future. I don't think that risk is worthwhile to my family, including our adopted daughter and DFS himself. I'm sure you've chosen what is right for your family.

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#6 of 7 Old 06-02-2014, 08:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually, research supports openness when safe and healthy for the children. We actually have contact with DS's birth mother and her family. It's actually a wonderful thing. We would never be able to have that with DD's birth mother.
We believe in open adoption and have a good relationship with DD's birth mother, but unfortunately it wouldn't be safe to have contact with her birth father and several of her other biological relatives, and that's too often the case with these types of adoptions.

Pookafye -exactly. Thank you! DD's sister isn't harmful to her now, but she has some serious attachment issues that may or may not be attachment disorder, and concern about the future is one of the reasons we turned down the chance to adopt her. If she was the younger sibling, it might be different, but being the elder makes it hard.

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#7 of 7 Old 06-02-2014, 10:55 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does sound extremely difficult. I hope that the little girl finds a loving family who can help her to deal with her issues and to thrive. I also hope that some day she and your DD can have a relationship that is safe and healthy so they can know each other.


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