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#1 of 61 Old 09-04-2004, 02:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay. Here goes.

I have recently entered into a poly relationship. Polyandry to be exact, or as close as the terminology I'm familiar with comes. My soulmate has recently returned to my life and almost instantly and with no real effort on any part, become a part of our family. He is an equal to my husband in terms of my love, respect and dedication. The two of them get along so well it's frightening. With them side by side and talking, I can clearly see the mass similarities. Yet their differences are more than plentiful as well. They can easily keep me guessing and stimulated, mentally, socially, physically and spiritually.

We have two little girls currently, and my soulmate and I have entertained the idea of having a baby together once everything gets settled, provided my doctor gives the okay for me to get pg again. If not we are ready and willing to use a 'surrogate friend' [a friend of ours who is willing to carry our bio child for us for far less than an unknown surrogate] My legal dh is fully supportive of this idea {soulmate and I had been ttc and are of the belief that we did loose at least one pg during our initial time together ten years ago...}

At any rate, I would love any and all info on comitted poly parenting, ceremonies, books, websites, lists, e-mail listings etc... tia
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#3 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 01:55 PM
 
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Hi, I don't have any info for you, sorry. But I just wanted to congratulate you on what sounds like a very healthy and loving family situation! I've talked with friends who read and believe in the "Ethical Slut" principles (can't think of the author, but the book is definitely one of the bibles of poly living), but I've never felt brave or mature enough, or whatever, to move in that direction myself. Sometime I entertain the idea of "what if" my (male) partner and I were to open our relationship to another woman, but I always come back to the fact that my bad self-esteem and tendency towards insane jealousy would prevent it from being fun, or loving.

If you feel like writing more about it, I'd love to know if and how jealousy plays a part in your lives. I think if your husband, especially, is healthy enough and strong enough not to let jealousy get in the way of all this love and respect, that's so wonderful! And what a message for your kids to learn, that love isn't finite or scarce, but rather plentiful and unlimited!
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#4 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 02:17 PM
 
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Hi there, we are in a polyfamily over here, and are always looking for more resources, more families like us out there. I subscribe to a bunch of lists, some are through Yahoo, polyfamilies- which I read online only, and not that often because their volume is so high and I can't keep track polyparents has less traffic, there is one for seattle poly (because I live near Seattle) but they mostly just have the occasional personal ad. I am sure there are more, I just can't remember.
I really like a site called "Our Little Quad". They have a lot of resources (and recipes!) and stories, they seem cool people.
A personal note on the lists, it seems that a lot of the people on the lists have a different kind of poly than I do. They deal with different issues, that don't really apply to my family, so it isn't always that helpful. We don't have an open marriage or secondaries or other lovers. We have three equal partners, our son has three parents. Even on the poly lists I read, this does not seem to be the common set up.
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#5 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeansEemie
Hi there, we are in a polyfamily over here, and are always looking for more resources, more families like us out there. I subscribe to a bunch of lists, some are through Yahoo, polyfamilies- which I read online only, and not that often because their volume is so high and I can't keep track polyparents has less traffic, there is one for seattle poly (because I live near Seattle) but they mostly just have the occasional personal ad. I am sure there are more, I just can't remember.
I really like a site called "Our Little Quad". They have a lot of resources (and recipes!) and stories, they seem cool people.
A personal note on the lists, it seems that a lot of the people on the lists have a different kind of poly than I do. They deal with different issues, that don't really apply to my family, so it isn't always that helpful. We don't have an open marriage or secondaries or other lovers. We have three equal partners, our son has three parents. Even on the poly lists I read, this does not seem to be the common set up.
Thanks ITKWYM about people not understanding the theory of three equal partners. It can't really be that forgien of a concept, can it? My beloved husbands and I are equal. They both love me unconditionally, and I them. I am working on writing an article {for my own website if nothing else} about our family and the wonderful heaven-sent blessings we have in our relationship. I will detail it here as well, but will have to wait til I have more time.

:horse1 There is truly no jealousy. Each of them knows he holds an equal part of me, and in very different ways. T & i were engaged a long time ago, and exchanged our own vows and commitments before God, they lacked only the approval of the legal powers of the earth... when we split up, that part of me, of my soul, my heart, my spirit, my very being, was sealed off. The me that my legal husband fell in love with had/has nothing to do with that part of me. That part of me had lain dormant for nine years. Now it's alive and well and has begun to thrive again. It exists at no expense to my beloved lawful husband or our children.

As I said, I'm on a tight schedule right now, I'll have to finish this later...
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#6 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 03:09 PM
 
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Just wanted to say that I'm pleased to see poly parents here... it's sort of the cutting edge issue in my church right now (Unitarian Universalist) and as a minister I'm committed to supporting and advocating for all sorts of consensual family structures, so I'll be lurking to pick up resources. I'm especially interested in making kids of poly parents welcome and included in RE programs!
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#7 of 61 Old 09-08-2004, 05:19 PM
 
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There's something that draws me to the idea of polyandry. I think it's so beautiful to see how many different ways adults can love each other when they are allowed to do this outside the restrictions of recent-past societies and religions.
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#8 of 61 Old 09-09-2004, 09:19 PM
 
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So, a couple weeks ago, my partners and I took our little guy to a "family friendly" poly get together, hoping to meet other families like ours. I don't mean to be judgemental but...there was some guy there offering all the women, many of whom he did not know, backrubs, several of the people had complex webs of relationships I could not hope to understand. No one else seemed interested in kids at all, even if they had them. You see, I am a judgemental a$$, that is my problem. No. Well, maybe. But, I think the problem is I am loking for something very specific. Like you, Kaitnbugsmom, my relationship does not involve issues like jealousy. Why would it? I am married to my loves. When they are intimate with each other, I am happy, even if I am not a part of it, beacuse I am tired, or not in the mood, or whatever. It is very different, I think, from one of my spouses (spousi, spice?) going out on a date with a stranger, with someone I don't know or love. I can't really identify with that. That might very well make me uncomfortable. Poly is a wide spectrum, my end of it may not be so populated, ah well.
So, anyway.....
Kaitnbugsmom, how have your girls been about having both of your husbands in their lives? are they both fathers to your girls? For my son it isn't really an issue, because he has always had three parents. I gather from your op that this is relatively new for them. How have they been adjusting?
I would love to hear more of your story, when you have the time
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#9 of 61 Old 09-11-2004, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They are doing far better than I expected. The way it's going, it's very much clear to me that it's a blessing and the way our lives are meant to be. Bug- my three year old wise soul, has taken very easily to things because she's with us the most {Kat is in school from 9 a- 3:15 p.m.} but they both adore T. It's truly wonderful to see these things working out the way they are....

Getting a backrub. Be back in a few
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#10 of 61 Old 09-11-2004, 07:57 PM
 
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That is so nice that it has worked out so well for you and your family. Me and my dh has decided to wait to date until the kids are older. I really wouldn't want a girlfriend to be included in our family. I would want it to be someone that me and my dh could date and well you know... but doesn't have anything to do with raising our children.

I miss women but I know that it is the right choice for our family for now. I hope you find some other poly couples. It can be so lonely and so difficult to explain to those who have never been in a poly relationship. It is nice to have others around who have BTDT, KWIM? 2

Peace,
Shelbi
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#11 of 61 Old 09-12-2004, 11:02 PM
 
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I believe the lovestyle you have described - no jealousy,no outside loves-is known in poly circles as poly fidelity. My poly relationship didnt work out so well.... and Im not really sure if I'll ever get to explore polyamory again. Iwas in the same type of relationship - polyandrous and all, but things fell apart. My initial relationship couldnt withstand the new love's jealous nature and wasnt doing well besides. I hope my love will consider "feeling okay with" me having a female love one day. He says its likely hell be able to in time. We're all a little hurt still, and I find myself pregnant again. My ex-dh and I get along great we're "just friends" now.
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#12 of 61 Old 09-13-2004, 02:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, I typed out a HUGE post and it didn't make it/ And it's midnight and I'm tired, so I'll get back around to it on Tuesday or so...

Yes, from what I've read poly fidelity is the best fit term out there. Polyandry fits too though, because I have exchanged vows with both of them. {in fact ten years ago this past August was when T & I made our original vows}

At any rate, later today T & I plan to spend some quality time together. First time in nine years . THe three of us have also talked at length and agreed that once we have settled into our new home that we will be looking to buy in the spring, T & I will try to concieve. To protect his career and intrests, DH & I will file for a legal separation at that point. It is, as we have discussed, merely a piece of paper anyways. I am actually very much anti-government in the area of marriage and family. Had I not been in the midst of a nasty custody battle, DH & I would have never married in the first place as far as in the eyes of the law.
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#13 of 61 Old 09-20-2004, 02:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well a quicky update before bed.... sorry, work's been wild and home is not much easier

We 'd on 13 Sept as planned. Wow. And 'after' realized that the condom had slipped off and was lying on the bed. Empty. And I was at CD 11, so we should be okay, but :shock. It's all good though....

We got some depressing insight today. His dad was nearly killed about three years ago this year. This was at the same time that his wife was finding out she had cancer. Well now he's got like a half a lung and all that, but he's been doing alright. Now it's not looking so good. So as soon as we can get a place for the five of us, {praying for mid to end of next month} we're getting it and DH & I will file for a divorce and T & I will get married. And asap after that, we will be : : with the sincere hope that his father will get to meet the baby on this plane... His dad has always been one of our strongest supporters, both as individuals and as a couple. We feel like we're going to do it all anyways, and we'd both feel alot better if he were here to see it...

The kids are adapting shockingly well. I'm telling you it's totally like it was always meant to be this way....

Off to find out about cost of self-filing for an uncontested divorce in our state and how to go about NOT filing for child support and so forth.. if anyone has any ideas, PM me or leave it here.. TIA
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#14 of 61 Old 09-20-2004, 04:59 PM
 
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I live with my Dh and we have lover but never found anyone who oculd join our family, who would mean to both of us what we mean to each other. So, congradulations. this is so so cool.

I am sure someone somehre wrote a book on the subjject!
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#15 of 61 Old 09-20-2004, 05:13 PM
 
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my dh and i would love to have either another couple or female join our marriage. we are all about sharring the love!!!
anyway
here is some info on polyamory and non monogamy. i thought it might help: http://p082.ezboard.com/fforum42nonmonogamy

live well!
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#16 of 61 Old 09-20-2004, 05:35 PM
 
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I think it all depends on the personalities of the people involved. My boyfriend and I had lots of problems when I tried to date my best friend as well. I still love my best friend but I know that no matter what my boyfriend is very much loyal only to me and his innermost wish is for me to be loyal to him- which is what I now am (very happily) I believe our love is beautiful but so could poly relationships- as long as everyone involved is truly happy and not repressing any issues they have. Humans are unique in that some mate for life with only one partner- and others do not feel that urge- I think the biochemistry of it would be fascinating to study- because chemists have found particular hormones such as vasopressin which cause a truly loyal "mate" type emotion. Perhaps we are all just wired differently. But nonetheless I have found that what makes me truly blissful in life is being "just the 2 of us" and baby on the way :-) but more power to all of you how have found happiness down different paths.

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#17 of 61 Old 09-21-2004, 03:21 PM
 
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I have really enjoyed reading this thread!

Dp and I are considering polyamory of some kind. At first I was *very* resistant to the idea (in my defense, the catalyst for our discussions was Dp having an affair with a man this summer), but with time, I have been feeling more open to the idea.

I have always been very much of the monogamous mindset. I went to college looking for a wife, and wasn't really interested in dating and getting to experience a lot of people before settling down. I just wanted to meet "the one" and get married and have babies. I met Lena pretty much right after I got to college and we moved in together pretty much right away and got a puppy a couple of months later. We decided to wait on the marriage and babies part until I graduated. About two years into our relationship, I met another woman, Kris, and fell in love with her. It felt so confusing to feel in love with two people at the same time. I didn't know that it was possible. I decided that I had to break up with Lena because I must not really be in love with her if I was also in love with Kris. A couple of months later, I broke up with Kris, and was just single for a while. I had never lived alone before since I had gone from living with my parents, to living with Lena, to living with Kris. The solitude was really good for me. I realized that I really was in love with both Lena and Kris, but that in this reality I could not be with both of them. Lena and I ended up getting back together and getting married and having two babies. I again believed that monogamy was the only way to go.

This summer, Lena met a man, Zack, in Alaska and while she hasn't said that she's in love with him (and really she only was with him for 24 hours), she feels a very strong connection with him. She does not want to never see him again, or to have to end things with him. I can understand completely because that is how I felt when I first met Kris. After much talking and processing and thinking and alone time, I believe that I am okay with her continuing to have a relationship with Zack. Because he lives very far away, he will not likely have a relationship with our boys or anything close to that. Although, I would like to get to meet him and know him myself.

The big issue for us is jealousy. Lena and I are both very jealous people, and it is hard for me to see us really getting past that. Because Zack is a man, I am for some reason less jealous of their relationship. But I seriously cannot imagine being okay with her being with another woman. And I cannot imagine Lena being okay with my being with another woman. There just seems to be so much room for hurt and so many unknowns. It doesn't feel very safe to me.

But then sometimes I can imagine it all working out just great, and it seems like the best idea. I feel very torn. It is hard to let go of an idea that has been ingrained since childhood. In a way, it feels like a second "coming out" to me. It was very hard for me to let go of the idea of marrying a man when I first realized I was gay. It took me at least a year to really get comfortable with the idea, and so I am giving myself as much time to try to get comfortable with the idea of not being monogamous. It is difficult because there is so much less societal support for polyamory even than there is for being gay or lesbian. I certainly don't want to talk with my parents or sisters about it (and it was easy for me to come out to them as a lesbian). I have some friends who have been supportive of the idea, but most have been trying to talk me out of it.

In our life, we strive to do things in the most natural way possible. We aren't that close to it in most of the things we do because we live in an apt. building at the moment. But we can't wait until we can really be living off the land and relying less on automobiles and getting back to the earth. Attachment parenting is one of the ways in which I feel like we are really doing things right. We are trusting our natural instincts and parenting the way our ancestors did a loooooooong time ago. And, when I think about it, I realize that monogamy is not the most natural thing itself. I know that it is certainly not natural for males, who definitely seem to have an instinct to spread their seed (though some men seem to be able to supress this very well). I can't see as much instinctual need for women to be polyamorous, but I suppose it could be argued that having more than one partner would better ensure that a woman's children would be fed and provided for. Regardless of the reasoning, I am positive that in the beginning there was no monogamy (just as there was no formula and there were no cribs to let babies cry it out in).

My grandfather lived a poly sort of a life. He identifies as a gay man, but did not come out to himself or to others until after he and my grandmother were married. It was not acceptable in their "circles" to get divorced, and they did love each other, so they remained together. My grandfather would have relationships with men--the longest one lasting 8 years--and my grandmother knew about them and met the men. My grandparents are now in their 80's and are still living together--happily, I believe. But I know that my grandmother feels she lived a very lonely life in some ways. She never went looking for love in other places, but would just wait at home while my grandfather was off with his lovers. I am afraid that this is what will happen with my relationship. I suppose it is different because Lena is not straight, and she is still very much in love with me and feels passion with me, etc. But I still worry.

Anyway. Thanks for starting this thread as it is something I have been thinking about a lot, but never would have had the guts to start a thread about. I hope my train of thought is not too confusing to read!

Lex

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#18 of 61 Old 09-23-2004, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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THanks Lex I read about your dp's summer fling and I could feel a mix of pain and understanding in your words. The pain seems much less now, and I'm happy for you in that...


Things are going okay. people are starting to figure things out on their own. Which is fine with T & I, DH is still trying to figure out how to react to others reactions, but he's doing well so far.

We have decided {DH & I} to file for divorce as soon as we get out of my parents house. With T in the military, it's the safest course of action for all concerned. His family {or as he says "the rest of my family" } will have mixed, mostly negative reactions, especially to DH living with us after T & I are married, but we are preparing for that and already don't care. If they start with us, they will be cut off, and if they start with our kids, they will wish they hadn't.

T has a drill this weekend, so DH & I will have about fifty hours of just 'us' time, including only sixteen hours of work time. We are going to mostly just veg out with the kids, kind of take it easy in the calm before the coming storm.
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#19 of 61 Old 09-23-2004, 11:19 AM
 
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What a beautiful thread so full of love! It's great to read this here.

Here's to happy poly families!
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#20 of 61 Old 09-24-2004, 06:02 PM
 
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Just wanted to say hi from another poly family. At work so can't write but I will be watching the thread, hopefully adding my 2cents later.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#21 of 61 Old 09-25-2004, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just popping in to thank everyone for their love & support. Feel free to post your own experiences in this thread, as it is now my homepage on IE....

DH & I have hit a rough patch. Nothing to do with our poly situation. Some other things entirely have come bubbling to the surface, and we very nearly made the final split last night. We talked alot of it out, and I told him that my girls and their health, safety and happiness are my #1 priority, and so long as he doesn't endanger any of that, we're alright and he can live in my home and co parent his children. We are going to go into counseling and I hope to recover what we've lost. But even if it doesn't work out, I will continue to be there for him and he for me as friends and we will be peaceful Christian co-parents to our children.

T is at drill this weekend. Just talked to him on the phone for a few while he was grabbing chow. He is in a good mood and enjoying himself and being back with his old unit. We only got to talk for about five minutes but it was a calm, peaceful and totally comfortable conversation and we covered all the important things and both of us said everything we wanted to. It truly was a perfect conversation and a communing of our spirits, even over distance and semi-digital phone beams. {both cell phones} I'm in a totally peaceful mood and it's about time to get ready for work, so I'll finish this here {an hour after I started writing it, I've been in and out} and wish everyone a good, peaceful and loving weekend...
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#22 of 61 Old 09-25-2004, 05:02 PM
 
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Hey Indigo73, please tell us about your family when you have the time. I just love hearing about all the different ways people can love each other and build their families
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#23 of 61 Old 10-03-2004, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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:horse1 Hi all. I'm mega busy at work, and of course our famliy life is still adjusting and we can't be together here so we have to get up bright and early to head to T's to spend time together and what not.. so updates will probably be seriously infrequent til november, but I'll try to keep you posted of major events. Like if I am pg or not. Don't know yet. Took a but it was neg. last Wednesday. AF is still not here though. With my cycles it could go either way, and honestly right now it would be best negative, to expedite the divorce... we plan to file on November 1, which means we'll be finalized around Dec 31, or more likely Jan 5 with all the winter holiday shut downs at the government level. So we're eyeing January 10 as our date...
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#24 of 61 Old 10-18-2004, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just a fly by update, will post more in the a.m. We've decided that due to our family situation, duty status {T will be leaving for a hardship tour of Korea within about 16 months} and so forth, it will likely be cheaper to buy than rent, so we're beginning the process of looking for a house...

No baby this past month, but we had a very strange experience yesterday that leads us both to believe that this may well be the cycle...
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#25 of 61 Old 10-25-2004, 09:18 AM
 
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Hi everyone! Not sure if I belong here, as we aren't practicing poly, but we are very open to the idea. Just haven't found the right person/couple to join our family yet. It's fun reading this thread though, and thinking about when we will find someone!
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#26 of 61 Old 10-25-2004, 03:48 PM
 
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Hi Myjulybabes!
I think it is awesome that you are open to the option of poly. To be honest, when my dw and I fell in love with our now dh, I wasn't too happy about it. I was scared out of my mind that the whole thing would blow up in our faces. Eventually, of course, I came around.
I wish I had been more open then. That the begining had been a little less painful. In the end, I was open enough. I asked him to move across the country and start a family with us. and he was open enough to say yes. And so here we are
and now I could not imagine it any other way.
I am all mushy today
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#27 of 61 Old 10-27-2004, 03:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all Well, it's CD 14 and we didn't get to :bd: today, and won't til Thursday at the earliest. oh well. It will happen when it's time, right?

If you haven't noticed in my siggie line, T has recieved near concrete orders for Korea within the next fifteen months. It's an eighteen month to THREE YEAR hardship tour... {no family there, not a lot of leave time, and locked on base nearly all the time except for on leave} ugh.
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#28 of 61 Old 10-27-2004, 06:14 AM
 
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Hi everyone! Wow, what a great time to find this thread!

My girlfriend is planning on moving in with Dh and I in the nearish future, and we're talking a *lot* about how things are going to work out. Mostly about how petrified we are about our families knowing about everything (well specifically Dh's and her family since they are both VERY religous, like to the point of hearing both families *yell* at the tv over the issue of gay marriage. Mine would be hard too, but not quite to the same level), but also not wanting to keep our relationship secret either. I'm completely freaked out about "would they call CPS on us, making up false charges, ect?" more than "what would they think" (although that too worries me).

We (well mostly GF and I) have been discussing how to keep her from feeling like a third wheel as well. We're not exactly a 'triangle', Its more like Me and Her, and Me and Dh (although they are physcially intimate and very close, just not quite "boyfriend-girlfriend" close). She wants children, she wants a husband. But she also wants me (and I her). And really, I *totally* understand both of those wants. If I was in her shoes I would feel the same way. Who knows, maybe someday Dh and her *would* reach that level of intimacy. But maybe not. She also says her relgious upbringing (strict Morman) makes her feel bad sometimes when she is intimate with my Dh, because as she says, "He's YOUR Dh!"

I also find myself feeling jealous of Dh and her having a relationship to that level too, and I feel bad. I don't WANT to feel jealous, I really would LOVE a triad relationship where everyone was equal (and really have wanted a triad prior to dating my GF too). I really really would. But the thought of her considering *my* Dh her Dh as well, or of him fathering children with her really makes me feel very very jealous. I don't feel jealous of them being intimate, or the relationship they have now. Has anyone experienced this? Both REALLY wanting the relationship, but being jealous at the same time? How do you deal?

And then at the same time I'm trying to not be so excited and pushing for now-now-now with the triad thing. I'm SO freaking confused and up and down, and want this, but wait, I'm jealous, but wait, no I'm not!

I just know it will be wonderful to have her here, living with us, and I suppose I should just let things develop (or not) at their own pace, the realtionship between Dh and Gf, huh?

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#29 of 61 Old 10-27-2004, 06:00 PM
 
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I've been letting my desires lie for awhile now. I really want an equal tri relationship. In otherwords to include a second wife so to speak. Bear with me I'm bad at the correct terminology. He is completely fine with me having a girlfriend, but says he isn't interested in having a relationship with someone else himself. He was incredibly loving understanding and supportive of feelings I had for my friend, but it wasn't a relationship that was able to work out.

I know that my love for her and his reaction to it made me love him all the more. I don't know, sometimes I really want this, but I am really happy in the relationship have too. I also worry about what Starmama mentioned. I have no idea how to explain to my family who she is to us and I certainly don't want her to be like the secret mistress or anything. My parents are pretty homophobic and I'm not out to them at all. And I'm clueless how to handle the questions. Actually I think I'm more worried about dds friends than about my parents. Part of why I've put this on hold. She'll be an adult in a few years. And I think that would make it easier.

I'm usually really screw you if you don't like it, but I don't want my child to have to pay for my decisions. I'm already so far out the norm of typical parenting as it is, lol.

The one thing that scares me is someone trying to come between dh and I, there are too many people out there with issues. But I know that we have an incredible relationship. I just don't like drama all that much, lol. I also worry about my own feelings changing. I just let worry about maybies stop me too much in life.
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#30 of 61 Old 11-11-2004, 03:24 PM
 
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ok, so I killed another thread.
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