Monogamous committed lesbians parenting a child (or TTC) Buddy Group - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-24-2005, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:40 AM
 
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i just wrote a lengthy message and lost it when i was almost ready to post. since it was probbaly my fault for trying to do anything when i am this tired (although i want to blame the cat who just walked across my computer), i am not going to try to go into detail again instead i will write this quickly now and will write more tomorrow. for now i will say this- my partner and i have two kids (3 yo daughter and 8 mo old son), both known donor, so our situation is similar and different. i hope this group takes off- it was what i came to mdc looking for in the first place.

laura
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Old 05-25-2005, 04:47 AM
 
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Yep, Our daughter has a Mami and a Mama. We sould really "traditional" on the outside, but are not really traditional at all. I would definitely be interested since we are both parenting and TTC as well. We do have a playgroup(Rainbow Families) where we live IRL, but currently it only meets about once a month.
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Old 05-25-2005, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:22 PM
 
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Well.. as I've said before I'm definitely in the same boat, Kincaid! We conceived using a known donor as well, also to be able to choose characteristics we knew to be like my DP's. I don't have a lot of time right now but suffice it to say that I'd be thrilled to be a part of a group like this, I have extremely limited resources IRL and it is still so hard to even find groups on the internet.

Me: married to my :fireman Mama to my littles: Toby 8/04 and Elina 10/08
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Old 05-25-2005, 02:32 PM
 
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Hello. Another one here. I am a SAHM to two (4 and 2 years) and we are TTC #3. DP and I met 18 years ago (ugh, that makes me sound so old! ) and we "married" 15 years ago. We legally married last year.

I don't think I've had the same experiences as you Kincaid, but it is possible, and I'm just clueless to it. Sometimes I do feel that my kids need to be "better" because they represent the children of gay people every where. As in "better" behaved, athletically, academically, socially, etc. I know this is wrong, but I still feel that way.

I live in an area where you see a fair number to same sex parents. There are 3 other two mom families within 1 mile of me, but we're not friends with any. I think it just didn't work out due to economics, parenting differences, and that we don't know any gay parents with bio kids. I sometimes feel that gay parents with adopted kids look down on those with bio kids.

As far as explaining the science of it all, my kids have a good sense of it. And I love to see the look on people's faces when my son says "Yes, I'm tall because mommy is tall and so is the man who gave us his sperm!" :LOL

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

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Old 05-25-2005, 04:43 PM
 
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Hey, count me in!

My famliy is my partner (a SAHM, soon to return to teaching fulltime), my daughter (concieved by anonymous donor), and me (gave birth, now working fulltime). We both have legal rights as parents because my partner did a step-parent adoption. We are part of a lesbian parents group in our area and we have several close friends who are lesbians with (bio)kids, so we do have some support and role models IRL.

I like the idea of this little group though because I think there are a lot of issues related to being a non-traditional (lesbian)/traditional (nuclear) family. I have more in common with straight families in some ways but I always feel our 'otherness' at the same time. It will be great to talk about that here.

I remember when I was pregnant and I really started to feel less and less queer...less political, radical, and recognized as an out lesbian...because I had this big belly. My partner was regularly identified as my sister and, shockingly, more than once as my mom! She was/is anything other than partner and parent in some people's eyes because that's just too difficult to imagine or accept even in the so-called liberal SF bay area. We deal with it, in part by not answering who the "real mom" is.

So, I agree, let's get a group going here to talk about planned lesbian families!
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Old 05-30-2005, 02:24 PM
 
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This sounds like a very interesting thread, and one that I will be monitoring quite a bit.

My DP and I will TTC in about 11 months. I will carry, and we'll most likely use a 'Willing to be known' donor. We feel it's good to give the child the option of contacting the donor if they really want to.

DP will adopt our child using the step parent adoption process (to protect us when we travel outside of CA).

We have been looking for information on what to expect as same sex parents from local groups, but have been unsuccessful up to this point. So, this thread will be great.

At first DP was really concerned about how the child would be treated, etc. But, as she has adjusted to life here in CA, she realizes that people are much more accepting of same sex couples and their offspring. Everyone where she works knows about us, and she has even told most of them about our plans. She has gotten nothing but support from those she has told. I have also told a few select people and have gotten good responses.

I have yet to tell my mom, as I know it will be difficult for her. She has had trouble accepting our relationship, but to her credit has tried hard to do so.

Most people say that my mom will most likely be freaked out at first, but once the baby comes, she'll adjust quickly. To be honest, I tend to agree because our child will most likely be her only chance to have a grandchild, and my mom is a very caring person by nature.

Needless to say, I will watch this thread with great interest, in an attempt to learn what challenges we will face over the years.

Thanks in advance to everyone who will participate. You will be emparting much needed knowledge to others.

Greer
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Old 05-30-2005, 02:39 PM
 
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My partner and I have been together almost 13 years now, and we have a 19 month old son. We know some lesbian families in our area, do some stuff with the Gay and Lesbian center in LA (their Rainbow family camps are GREAT!), and will be attending a conference they are doing for our families next weekend. I am on a great email list for Lesbian Moms on Queernet.org, been on it for almost 10 years now, and its a wonderful resource. More than 200 moms from all over the world, we get together at times, and their are some really smart women on that list! BUT, I am always looking for more community, either online or in person, and I like to meet other lesbian moms on Mothering boards! Count me in!

We are completely out to our families, community, church, work, etc. It has been a wonderful experience after spending the first two years of our lives together completly closeted. It took us a long time to decide whether to become parents, and after we made the decision it took us almost 2 years to get pregnant. We are very happy now, and our son just adds to our life together. We plan to have another two. :
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Old 05-30-2005, 03:27 PM
 
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I realized that I left out a little information

DP and I have been together for over 2 years. I know that might seem like a short period of time to be already thinking about children, but we have both wanted kids for a long time and our window of opportunity is getting smaller as time goes on. Plus, we are in a great place emotionally and financially to provide for a child.

The interesting thing is that recently, DP brought up that she would really like to carry the child. We talked extensively, and although we originally only planned on having 1 baby, we decided that we should keep our options open.

So, there's a chance we might actually have 2.
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Old 05-30-2005, 05:57 PM
 
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Hi! My immediate family consists of me (Mommy), my partner (Ima), our 14 month old daughter (Eva) and our 2 border collies. We used a known donor for similar reasons-- because we felt like we needed to KNOW the person that helped us in creating our daughter, and also because some of his physical characteristics were similar to my partner. We currently live in PA and only know 2 other families nearby with 2 moms... it is a pretty conservative county that we live in. We're moving to Northern California in just a few months (Petaluma area), where my partner has accepted a job. We're VERY excited to move somewhere with people who are a bit more open-minded and where there will hopefully be more families like ours.

My partner works full-time and I stay home with Eva. I do some work from home also do some per diem work at my old job. We're hoping that we can afford to continue this for a while as we plan to have several more children. My partner wants to carry the next one, although she is a bit nervous as Eva's delivery was a bit rough and she spent several weeks in the NICU. I definitely want to carry at least one more. We are so fortunate to have a great donor who is willing to donate for us again. We're excited for our children to be genetically related... I think that's nice for them. The donor signed away his rights and my partner went through the courts to do a second parent adoption, so we both have full parental rights.

Oh, my partner and I had a "wedding" back in 2002 and then we went to VT on our honeymoon and had a Civil Union ceremony while we were there.

I'm excited about this thread... I'd love to hear about other families' experiences. Thanks!

~Jen
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Old 06-01-2005, 11:33 PM
 
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I love the idea of this forum...especially if it gets some regular attention!

My family consists of me (WOHM, bio mom), DP (who also participates regularly on these boards...doctoral student), and DS (26 months). DP and I have been officially married for 5 years, legally for 1. We used a known donor for a variety of reasons, but the most major being that we LOVE the guy who was our donor. OUr relationship has evolved over the past 3 years in some really greatways. We live on opposite coasts, and when we were first TTC, and even just thinking about TTC, that felt really important. We wanted him to be available, but not TOO available. He ended up flying out when DS was born, and we've been getting together more and more often as DS gets older. DS completely loves his "xavie" ...and we work on fostering that relationship.

I have found some difficulty developing lesbian parent relationships because we haven't found others who are into attachment parenting. While I like being around other lesbian parents, it's hard when parenting styles are really different. I end up feeling like an outsider when I was trying to be part of a community.

So anyway...I just wanted to put my word out there, and participate in this budding community.

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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Old 06-03-2005, 05:04 PM
 
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not much time to write, but count us in, I'm very interested in this group. We are me, on mat leave, considering starting a PhD in September, biomom, and Dw, just finished teacher's college, off for the summer, starting teaching in Sept, and Beautiful Annie who was born 6 weeks and one day ago!

All the topics mentioned sound v. interesting to us.
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Old 06-04-2005, 04:08 AM
 
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I can't see any of the original posts...the OP must have deleted them for some reason? Anyway, I would be interested in this group, as we will be TTC in the (hopefully) not too far off future. Is there a reason that you want people to be monogamous? My wife and are are definately committed to each other, and raising a baby just the two of us, but we are consensually non-monogamous (there, i'll just out myself! )
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Old 06-10-2005, 11:59 PM
 
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yes, the OP has been edited out....so I am not sure what the specific request for information was, but just from the title of the post, I will add my family. My DP and I have been together 14 years (gasp!) and we have a DS that just turned 2 in May. I stay at home during the week but work a few hours each day Sat and Sun and DP stays with him then.

Can anyone repost the basic concept of the post? What is a buddy group, is it like a yahoo group that you have to register with, or are we simply posting here on the same thread occasionally?

I just want to say that I would be excited about this group, mostly because I find, even in this "queer parenting" forum, that many of the posters identify themselves as bi, but are married to men. Although I have no problem, and they are usually supportive, they don't have the same struggles that two women raising a child have. At outward appearance, they are the "traditional" family, and none of the immediate issues are there.(for any bi posters, don't flame me! I know you have your own struggles, they just aren't the same!)

Anyway, someone fill me in on the buddy group and I am looking forward to the possibilities.

Mo
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Old 06-11-2005, 02:05 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mobeans

I just want to say that I would be excited about this group, mostly because I find, even in this "queer parenting" forum, that many of the posters identify themselves as bi, but are married to men. Although I have no problem, and they are usually supportive, they don't have the same struggles that two women raising a child have. At outward appearance, they are the "traditional" family, and none of the immediate issues are there.(for any bi posters, don't flame me! I know you have your own struggles, they just aren't the same!)


that was the basic idea- she (or someone) talked about being a nontraditional traditional family. there was a long time where only a couple of people had responded and then her posts were gone-

i was excited about this, but then kind of bummed that no one seemed interested... i hope it picks up.

laura
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Old 06-11-2005, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am the OP. I am sorry for deleting my posts, but I was scared off (flamed off?). I decided not to leave Mothering, but am staying away from the "Queer" board because I don't feel it very welcoming to lesbians. Nuts, huh?

Just posting quick becuase I'd had so many PM's about it. Hope someone else is able to pull off a group.
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Old 06-12-2005, 06:06 AM
 
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Pleased to see so many lesbians in committed relationship with babies.

My partner and I have been together nearly nine years and have two boys using known donor
aged 4 1/2 and 1 1/2 years. We are all vegetarian too!! <sigh> My poor boys don't stand a chance of being normal ha ha!!!
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:53 AM
 
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Wow - I didn't know there were so many actual lesbians on this forum! I check in here pretty infrequently because so many of the discussions seem to be about "poly" lifestyles or bisexuality, which is great, but not my life!

Although, as I've mentioned before, we aren't running into a lot of specifically lesbian parenting issues either - our daughter is only 15 months old and diaper rash is pretty much diaper rash!

My partner Naomi and I will celebrate 13 years together next month. As relatively new mothers with a young child, I can't possibly imagine having any energy for another relationship, even if that was our agreement! (it isn't, BTW.) We are still desperate for sleep a lot of the time...

Our daughter has been home from Guatemala almost one year and we love having a newly blossoming toddler. The two best things right now are that she is learning lots of sign language, and we are doing a babysitting trade with another couple with a little girl the exact same age so we actually get to go out once in a while! She's in part-time day care at a wonderful center - there are three other lesbian families in her age group, and at least one more in the preschool.
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:23 PM
 
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Kincaid and Everyone,

If you are concerned about the general tone of this board, I might suggest checking out this one:

https://www.sdfamilymatters.org/Forum/default.asp

The group is based in San Diego, but the board has really just started, and is intended to be a nice place for all of us to talk about parenting issues. There is even a disclaimer that abusive language, etc. will not be tolerated.

I think those of us who want to discuss things without taking abuse should establish a presence there and help to set the tone of a nurturing environment.

BTW, I have the same screen name there, so you'll see my posts.

Greer
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Old 06-13-2005, 02:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jgreer
Kincaid and Everyone,

If you are concerned about the general tone of this board, I might suggest checking out this one:

https://www.sdfamilymatters.org/Forum/default.asp

The group is based in San Diego, but the board has really just started, and is intended to be a nice place for all of us to talk about parenting issues. There is even a disclaimer that abusive language, etc. will not be tolerated.

I think those of us who want to discuss things without taking abuse should establish a presence there and help to set the tone of a nurturing environment.

BTW, I have the same screen name there, so you'll see my posts.

Greer
I'll check it out -- thanks.

I feel bad for Kincaid............I don't know what happened, but I hate the thought of somebody's feelings getting hurt as a result of what appeared to be a simple post/question.
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Old 06-13-2005, 06:15 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear Kindcaid won't be posting here, as well as deleted her posts, she is a wonderful advocate for "this" lifestyle and I really enjoy reading her posts.

That being said, I think that the flaming and whatnot was in relation to a different subject in the realm of homosexuality. We should all still feel comfortable posting here, in our Queer Parenting forum, so please don't back out of participating in this buddy group! It is so wonderful to see how many mamas there are on this board that I had no idea about!

Me: married to my :fireman Mama to my littles: Toby 8/04 and Elina 10/08
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Old 06-13-2005, 10:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Faerieshadow
I'm sorry to hear Kindcaid won't be posting here, as well as deleted her posts, she is a wonderful advocate for "this" lifestyle and I really enjoy reading her posts.

That being said, I think that the flaming and whatnot was in relation to a different subject in the realm of homosexuality. We should all still feel comfortable posting here, in our Queer Parenting forum, so please don't back out of participating in this buddy group! It is so wonderful to see how many mamas there are on this board that I had no idea about!
When I said that as a lesbian I do not feel comfortable/welcome/accepted on the Queer board I mean just that. The flaming and whatnot that I experienced was from bi and poly folks that I felt very disrespected by. I want to make that clear, that is how I feel. For me.
But others can feel differently and believe this is a very lesbian friendly space. I definately am not asking anyone to jump ship with me. I will continue to be a member on MDC, just not the "Queer" area. Which I do not feel is lesbian freindly (sorry, Faeiryshadow, to me that is where the dichotmy lies).
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kincaid
When I said that as a lesbian I do not feel comfortable/welcome/accepted on the Queer board I mean just that. The flaming and whatnot that I experienced was from bi and poly folks that I felt very disrespected by. I want to make that clear, that is how I feel. For me.
But others can feel differently and believe this is a very lesbian friendly space. I definately am not asking anyone to jump ship with me. I will continue to be a member on MDC, just not the "Queer" area. Which I do not feel is lesbian freindly (sorry, Faeiryshadow, to me that is where the dichotmy lies).

AMEN. I have not been flamed, but whole heartedly agree. I am happy to see that there are so many Lesbian on this board (I didn't know you were here). I don't think that Bi (married to men) and poly folks have an understanding of what it is to be in a OUT MONOGAMOUS COMMITTED LESBIAN (or GAY) relationship with children or TTC. Different worlds! We should have this forum changed from QUEER to Alternative Parenting.
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Old 06-14-2005, 10:44 AM
 
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I'm sorry Kincaid, I thought you were talking about that other junk that happened. Now that you mention it, even in that other thread I do recall bi and poly mamas getting pretty aggravated at the points we were trying to make about specifically lesbian relationships.

Perhaps if all of us who have replied to this thread start posting in the queer forum more it will start to seem more leveled out? I don't know... thinking over comments and discussions I've seen I tend to fully agree with you both, Kincaid and Sophia. While I'm certainly not trying to negate any hardships that bi or poly people have, those of us in an out lesbian relationship have quite different and real issues of our own. I'm not sure why people seem to think we are saying that they have no issues, or their issues aren't important.... but I can't help but think that legal issues and harassment and discrimination are a little more "real" than most people want to give us credit for.

It seems like a lot of people have the attitude of "Yes, I am married to a man but I am bisexual and therefore all the heartache I have to deal with about my feminine partner, or my desire for females, makes my life on a par with yours as far as hardship." When, as couples who have to face the realities of a country that hates us, none or next to no legal rights for our life partners or non-bio children, we are told that the heartache of being "seen as straight" is the same... I agree, it does tend to tick me off. So, add me to that soapbox.. :LOL

But I think the only way we can start to feel comfortable in this forum is to post actively and have discussions with one another. I know I've started threads here geared toward lesbian relationships and gotten basically no response, because no one checks here anymore unless they are replying to the bi or poly threads.

Me: married to my :fireman Mama to my littles: Toby 8/04 and Elina 10/08
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Old 06-14-2005, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is an example. There is a thread called "Are you going to the Pride festivities." Lots of bi married to men and poly folks posted yes. Someone posted and said she did not plan to attend because (I am paraphrasing from memory, so sorry if I am a little off) gays are working so hard to get rights that having a big bizarre drunken party where people try to look "freaky" seems to work against us getting equal respect and equal rights.

I agree 1,000% with her! How is anyone going to let my partner and I marry legally, have joint rights with regard to our son, health coverage, and non-discrimination in empolyment if they see us out there scantily clad and looking freaky carrying gay signs and the whole thing sponsored by booze?

But a bunch of people responded to her statement by jumping all over it! HOW DARE SHE! Well, as long as they are married to men and enjoying all the priveledge they want it is easy to say that it is wrong to assimilate to get rights. Duh! They get to enjoy the party and then go home and enjoy their marriage and tax breaks and benefits.

(Some posters specifically commented on how to them it was a big queer party, and not about rights, so that is what I refer to).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the committed lesbians trying to settle down and work and pay their taxes and GET BENEFITS and recognition suffer the backlash. While the folks who enjoyed their "queerness" at the festivities can go home and fill out their married tax forms and all the stuff they enjoy.

I have nothing against Poly or Bi folks. But I am darned mad on this forum that they are so disrespectful of the LACK of rights that lesbians suffer. I was told by a bunch of "queer" moms (married to men) to GET OVER IT and that I would be a lot happier, and they face as much discrimination as me. That I would enjoy life more if I got over it. You tell that to my partner who has no rights over the son we concieved. You tell that to the lesbians who have had family members take their children away legally because they are gay. Tell me to get over it! Then say Pride is all a big party. Well, it is NOT all one big party. Some of us have LESS rights than they do, and it is infuriating to be stepped on and then told to get over it and be happier

Whoa..... and there is why Kincaid needs to stay off the Queer board!

As far as lesbians reclaiming this space, I don't see it happening. Pull up an old thread posted by a lesbian asking what the children of other same-sex couples called the moms. Read the responses. There are a bunch of married to men "queer" folks responding saying "what is the big deal?" and "your kid will call you whaever he wants" and "my son calls his dad mommy too, what's the big deal?" In my opinion, it seems they all jump on the few lesbian posts and diminish the heck out of it. And it kills the threads. And lesbians quit posting.

Just so I am not complaining and offering no solutions, the only thing I can think to suggest is making a thread in the "Tribal" areas for committed lesbian parents/parents to be. (I would totally include single lesbians TTC or with kids in that definition). I think the group could get some strength there. And then maybe come back and reclaim the queer board! But as it is, the lesbian moms are not any kind of "presence" on here.
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Old 06-14-2005, 02:58 PM
 
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Hey,

I am kind of crashing your thread (coz altho I am lesbian, I am not in a monogamous relationship with a woman right now), but wanted to respond to Kincaid's post about the Pride thread, and about the more general issues on the "Queer Parenting" board. I was going to pm this, but it got kinda long and I decided to post it instead.

I think you are making some assumptions about who is posting on the Pride thread and what the motivations are.

I am the one who posted that I see Pride as a gay party. I am a lesbian. Well, I say I am lesbian-identified-bisexual, but I have really only had sexual/romantic relationships with women. So I'm lesbian for all intents and purposes.

I have a child who I conceived with a gay male friend, and we parent her together. I live with my ex girlfriend.

And I consider myself to be an activist for gay/queer issues, and for other social justice issues. I have chanted "out of the bars and into the streets, they're your rights too" at more protests than I can count. I think I go about my activism differently than you do - I think gay/queer culture has something to teach the larger culture, and my goal is not particularly to have us accepted and assimilated, but respected and honoured.

I agree with you about the differences between *out* partnered with children, or simply too-butch-to-pass lesbian women, and the "bicurious but live with a man" set. I have had some arguments with the latter folks wherein I've found soemthing to be homophobic and called it out, only to be responded to with "well I'm queer too." Annoying.

Anyway, I know there are many issues as queer/lesbian cultures shift and change, and as more people identify as queer. But please don't make assumptions about the intent of people posting if you don't know the whole story.

And Kincaid, please don't leave the queer parenting board! We need the smart, politically aware lesbian mamas to stay! And inform the discussions about queer life and queer activism.
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Old 06-14-2005, 03:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Amazlilith
AMEN. I have not been flamed, but whole heartedly agree. I am happy to see that there are so many Lesbian on this board (I didn't know you were here). I don't think that Bi (married to men) and poly folks have an understanding of what it is to be in a OUT MONOGAMOUS COMMITTED LESBIAN (or GAY) relationship with children or TTC. Different worlds! We should have this forum changed from QUEER to Alternative Parenting.
I agree with you on all four points. I come to this particular forum looking for women with similar lives as mine -- lesbian/monogamous/commited/parents --or even something very close to that (i.e. single parent lesbians who are or are not dating other lesbians).

I participate in the Curve Magazine discussion board, but the downside to that is that very few of the women are moms.

Hold on, hold on...I have nothing against the other lifestyles and orientations AT ALL, so don't even go there.
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Old 06-14-2005, 03:38 PM
 
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Just checking in as lesbian in a committed monogamous relationship. 2 kids, etc....

My take on the board space issue: these arguments are going to happen in any glbtqi kind of place. I find them interesting and stimulating...as I do the gay party vs. "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" philosophy of Pride.

I feel like my "presence" in this space is a valuable as anyone elses, and I've learned quite a bit from the bi and poly moms....

I'd love it if we're cycling back onto the lesbian-only spaces of the 1970's. It was fun and we built really great institutions that way. 'Course now "what is a lesbian?" is a more complicated question than it was then!

Interesting food for thought. Thanks, y'all.
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Old 06-14-2005, 03:43 PM
 
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I think it's difficult on this large board to minimize a thread to such a small population and expect huge turnouts. There aren't that many acutal lesbians here, much less ones that have a partner. I'm one of the few lesbians, but since my relationship has ended, I guess I don't "qualify" to be on this thread either, even though I'm a lesbian parent. Maybe something in Finding Your Tribe would be a good idea
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