Is it "okay" to be Bi?? - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-04-2005, 11:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 09-04-2005, 02:50 PM
 
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One of my friends said the following:

"Love knows no gender."

Take some time (a lot of time) to sort through any issues you may be having with your emerging sexuality. Best of luck to you.
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Old 09-04-2005, 10:50 PM
 
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First of all, it is ok to be bi or gay or straight. If it's ok with you then the hell with everyone else.

I dated men my whole life, had a child (never married) and I always felt like something was missing in every relationship... but I could not put my finger on it. I then met a woman thru work who was openly gay. I was immediately attracted to her and got to know her. After about 4 months, I told her how I felt and she said she was also interested. I was so afraid to have sex with her but knew that I wanted to more than anything. She was very patient and it was wonderful. I had finally found what had been missing. That was four years ago and I know that I will never sleep with a man again. I am attracted to men as well a woman but as far as intimacy goes, I love everything about women.

You are very right when you say that many woman would mess around with another woman only to turn a guy on. Been there and it is frustrating. :

PM me if you want to talk more openly without it being posted. Kim

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 09-05-2005, 01:30 PM
 
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...and I remember how awkward I felt when I was coming out. I lived in a very gay neighborhood, (mostly men) and there was no bi presense. I had to forge my own way. Although Ive been married to dw for 10 years, I still consider myself bi.

Be good to yourself, communicate with your husband and remember that you're not the only one.

xxoo

A
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Old 09-05-2005, 07:30 PM
 
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Oh, hun, big hugs to you!

I'm sorry that it seems to be tearing you up inside! Once you find a way to accept it yourself and become more comfortable... you very likely won't worry at all what other people think. It's all about what YOU think and feel. Your husband is a slightly different story but he needs to understand that it's something that cannot be helped. Sexuality is just another part of you like the colour of your skin. It shouldn't be treated any different in life, but sometimes it unfairly happens anyway. I guess I can't tell by your description if you're interested in working this out with your husband or not, which is probably something that you need to figure out soon, depending on how crazy you are making yourself over this. Would you be fulfilled if you were able to have both at the same time? If so, somehow your husband needs to understand that it is possible to be with/love both at the same time. It doesn't HAVE to be one or the other -- plenty of people make this work. However it's all dependant on how YOU feel and what is ultimately going to make you happy.

Bisexuality is very real. I personally have come to accept that I will never choose, and I don't have to. I can't imagine feeling like I had to, that would make me nuts. I suspect that your experiences with your husband and other people who already had made up their mind about something they don't really know about has invalidated your feelings quite a bit. If you start to believe in yourself, than perhaps those that are close to you will pick it up? I'm sure there are articles out there you could show your husband, or SOMETHING to try and prove to him that it is possible to love both. Even at the same time.

Oh, and your parents -- no wonder this perplexes you! My dad is very conservative, and that's hard enough. I can't imagine adding the whole bible bit into the mix (luckily he's not religious conservative, or else I'd have gone nuts long ago). That must be very invalidating as well. Just remember that it is their opinion. You have to do what's right for yourself, not live in another way to make other people happy (even if they don't know about it). Make sense? I hope so.

In any case, you're going to have to figure out what it is you really want and need, and go from there. I wish you all the luck in the world!

Weirdo Mama to amazing Aurelia, age 9 & Ember Roslyn, age 3!
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Old 09-06-2005, 12:55 AM
 
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I can completely relate to your post. I dated men my entire life and even lived with one for almost five years. I always knew I liked women, but always hoped it would go away. I would try as hard as I could to not think about women in a sexual or more than friendship way. However, the feelings would always return, even stronger than before. Finally, it jsut hit me taht I had to stop running from my feelings because they always caught up with me. After that, I decided that I would sleep with women, but could never be in a relationship with one. Oh, how times change.....

I am now married to the most wonderful woman ever. She is the person I have chosen to spend my life with and create a family with. I do not find myself attracted to men at all. However, I do not want to say with 100% certainty that I would never again date a man if something were to happen to DW. But, I can say with 99.999% certainty I would never again date a man

The feelings that you have for women will likely not go away. Hopefully you and your DH can find a way to either embrace that side of you or something. I do not have much advice, other than to follow your own heart. Only you know what is truly the right path for you.
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Old 09-06-2005, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's a pretty touchy subject with me and dh. He has some pretty big abandonment issues and is easily threatened. He has good reason, as I have hurt him in the past. We have an amazing, strong relationship outside of sex. He is the first man I have ever enjoyed having sex with! I am very drawn toward polyamoury, and believe in it down to my core, but I just don't think our relationship is strong enough in that category. We have talked about it for years and DH weaves in and out of support toward it. He would only want it to happen if neither of us had feelings for the third, and is afraid it would "complicate" things. But to me that is out of the question! I don't want to just pick up random people. That is my problem in the first place, that I was not able to hold a fulfilling relationship with another woman. I had a couple bad experiences and gave up, deciding it would never happen.

Again, thanks for the hugs and support and I am feeling so uplifted hearing stories about how others came to terms with their sexuality. It is so odd, because I have been out since I was a teenager and I still struggle with understanding it....
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Old 09-06-2005, 02:06 PM
 
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Hi there. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have felt this way as well - like neither straight nor gay people accept bisexuality. When really, the truth of the matter is that sexuality is not black and white, it's a big continuum, for EVERYONE, not just bisexuals.

I haven't been in your particular situation, so I don't have any specific advice for you I'm afraid. But it sounds like eventually, it's going to be important to you to explore this side of your sexuality. Will your husband accept it or will his fear of you leaving and his insecurity cause you to want to break free? I hope he can find a way to understand your feelings and allow you some exploration and soul searching.

Good luck and know that we are here when you need to talk to someone.
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Old 09-08-2005, 01:03 PM
 
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i'm wondering myself about my sexuality. for me, being gay has never been an option. but i have never been interested in or attracted to men, even though i was with my ex for over 20 years. i also have never had any friendships with women. i tend to deal with people in general as little as possible.
when i met my fiance 4 years ago, i told him that i was bicurious. but he's the only person i've ever told in real life. i've never met anyone, even online, who is having the same feelings that i am having, namely that i hate feeling this way, and wish it would go away. all of the bicurious women i have talked to online are excited or nervous, but plan, at some point, to take it further than a curiousity. not me. i would much prefer celibacy, and the conflict i'm feeling is darn near unbearable.

roxanne
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Old 09-11-2005, 11:15 PM
 
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It's a-okay to be bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual. I remember how it felt when I first realized that I was bisexual. I didn't want anyone to know because in my family, it was perfectly fine to be either homosexual or heterosexual. Most of my family members thought that bisexuals were greedy... which is not at all the case.

Just because I'm bisexual, it doesn't mean that I want to be with both a man and a woman at the same time. I can have successful relationships with either a man or a woman.

I can relate to how you feel about telling lesbians that you are bisexual though, I feel a bit inadequate sometimes too because I'm most often in a relationship with a male. But that doesn't turn off my feelings for women either, that's just the way the cookie crumbled in my love life.

I say, be yourself! If you are attracted to women, the let it be that way.
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Old 09-12-2005, 06:56 PM
 
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Your OP must have been very hard to write, you are very brave for posting it.


I can only tell you my perspective, its that although I am *very* attracted to other women, Im in love with my husband and I have made a decision to be with only him. He has a very strong female side and is willing to bend some gender roles

I think that women in our positon have to be honest with ourselves and ask if the realtionship we are in is fulfilling to us. I dont know how to answer that for you. I know its hard to have unfulfilled desires, even harder when you cant share them with your girlfriends.

I hope you find peace
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Old 09-14-2005, 04:23 AM
 
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I totally feel for you, being around women that are together is hard for me, I'm so envious of them. DH won't "let" me have a GF unless he's in on it. Which would be fine by me, but finding a woman that would go for that is nearly impossible, uggg. My dream would be to find a nice single mother that would move in and be our GF, we could be one big happy family.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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Old 09-14-2005, 07:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
DH won't "let" me have a GF unless he's in on it. Which would be fine by me, but finding a woman that would go for that is nearly impossible, uggg.
Agreed! Boy, that's frustrating... especially when it looks like we have this nice nuclear little family... father, mother, baby... not exactly condusive to finding a nice woman to share myself with. I don't mind the woman being with my partner either, but it's already hard enough to find a woman who's okay with someone being already partnered (married) with a baby. He will "let" me be with women in theory, but we haven't actually had any sort or promising women come my way or anything. So I don't know how he'd really be if that happened, and I know he'd much rather be involved if it did. I've done all this sort of poly and/or swinging relationships before, but not while with him, and he's by far the most "vanilla" (straight, monogomous-leaning, etc) person I've been with.



It's all so frustrating. I feel like something important is being supressed, though MOST of the time it's not a big issue. Too many other things to worry about, like a teething baby, and will I ever get more than 3 hours of sleep in a row again in my life?

Weirdo Mama to amazing Aurelia, age 9 & Ember Roslyn, age 3!
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Old 09-14-2005, 08:32 AM
 
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Ofcourse its ok to be bi, gay or straight. It doesn't matter as long as your being honest to yourself and to the world. And as long as your not hurting yourself and others.

Hope you find peace.
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Old 09-15-2005, 02:11 AM
 
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I sure hope so, otherwise I'm in big trouble!
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Old 09-15-2005, 11:21 PM
 
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Two previous posts stated that their husbands/partners would not "let" them have a GF. Doesn't that sound a little controlling??

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 09-16-2005, 12:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by canadianchick
Two previous posts stated that their husbands/partners would not "let" them have a GF. Doesn't that sound a little controlling??
That's totally what I was thinking. Especially the "unless he's in on it" part.
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Old 09-16-2005, 12:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by canadianchick
Two previous posts stated that their husbands/partners would not "let" them have a GF. Doesn't that sound a little controlling??
Uh.. traditional monogamous relationships tend to be set up that way. I'm not in one of those, but that's how I understand they work.
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Old 09-16-2005, 12:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by umefey
That's totally what I was thinking. Especially the "unless he's in on it" part.
Actually, in relationships that do venture outside of the monogamous pairing, it is very common for partners to require of each other that they only engage in activities with each other. And, understandably so.
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Old 09-16-2005, 04:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by canadianchick
Two previous posts stated that their husbands/partners would not "let" them have a GF. Doesn't that sound a little controlling??
I suppose to someone that has a truely open relationship it might be. I have always been more comfortable with him having sex with other women if I were involved as well. I guess everyone has boundries that they are more comfortable with.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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Old 09-16-2005, 09:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
I guess everyone has boundries that they are more comfortable with.
Yup, to each his own....

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 09-17-2005, 02:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by canadianchick
Two previous posts stated that their husbands/partners would not "let" them have a GF. Doesn't that sound a little controlling??
Well, I think you got your answer by now, but since I'm one of the people who originally said that...

No, not controlling in the slightest. I'd be a little worried about any relationship where either or both partners slept with another person/ had a relationship with another person without their partner's consent. Even if one of them asks firsts, that's not an automatic yes for sure. All kiiiiinds of things need to be comfortable and agreed upon beforehand, or else the relationship will suffer.
I think the wording was making it sound worse than it was. I can see why the word "let" could be triggering.

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Old 09-17-2005, 10:34 AM
 
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Yeah it was the word "let" that got me...

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 09-18-2005, 08:14 PM
 
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Yeah it was the word "let" that got me...
I suppose I could have said Dh doesn't want me to, instead of let. If I cheated on him, with a guy or girl, he would likely leave me. So I chose to use the word "let" as most people don't allow their spouces have sex with other people.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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Old 09-19-2005, 05:28 PM
 
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My DH and I are both bi, so we are both on the "of course it's okay!" side of things. You have to abide by whatever agreements you and DP have about your relationship, i.e. monogamous or poly, etc. But if you were het and in a monogamous relationship, you would still probably notice/appreciate cute guys, you just wouldn't approach them for a sexual relationship. Same for being bi in a monogamous relationship--you can acknowledge your sexuality and allow yourself the appreciation, but, unless you and your partner negotiate a new agreement, you're still monogamous.

If you have an open relationship, you have to decide exactly what that means for you. DH and I have an open relationship, with a full disclosure requirement. Others prefer not to know in any specific way what the other is doing outside of their relationship. In our case, our agreement is that our relationship is the "primary" one, and if either of us feels this is threatened by our partner's behavior, we have veto power over any outside relationship--but only after discussion. So far, neither of us has needed to exercise a veto.
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Old 10-24-2005, 11:22 PM
 
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just wanted to tell my story. I too am bi (not openly) and I have recently become very close with a friend. She too being bi. About a month ago we were watching a movie (my husband was out) and we held hands. After the movie was over we were still holding hands and I asked if she was ok with this, she said yea, then I blurted that I was bi, and she was surprised. She said that she thought I was just being loving. Anyhow, she came out to me as well that night, I told her that I was very attracted to her...she brought up about me being married, etc. So, we have been still hanging out a lot. I asked her the other day ....if she would be attracted to me if I was not married, she said that she is attracted to me. Then I had her over again last week for another movie and we snuggled on the couch. At the end of the movie she told me that I needed to set some boundaries and pretty much that she was not going any further. I know what she is saying, she doesn't want it to wreck our friendship, my relationship, etc. I just don't know how to turn off these feelings. I have never been with another woman. I too feel that I am missing something. Anyhow, just wanted to get me story out there too.
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Old 10-24-2005, 11:37 PM
 
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to you. I know what ya mean by saying you feel like you are missing something.

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 10-25-2005, 01:22 AM
 
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I prefer the term "queer" since bisexual doesn't really incorporate the spectrum of genders. Some people identify as pansexual. Bisexual is a little too narrow for me. (I mean me as in me and me as in general use.)

But it's okay to be whatever/whoever you are. Unless you are GWB. In that case, there's no excuse for you.

I'll be back when I'm not nak to really address your question/issue.
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Old 10-26-2005, 12:18 AM
 
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To the OP question, I would say YES, it is okay to be bi. My best friend and I have started a message board just for bisexual moms as a support board. Its bimamas.net There are SO many just like you there. I have no problem being bi and my dh is uber supportive expecially since he is bi also.
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Old 10-30-2005, 12:02 PM
 
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Do you still consider yourself bi if you are married? Also, if friends get a little too friendly, is that cheating?
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