who's his real mom? do you all ever get this question? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 09-28-2005, 10:11 PM - Thread Starter
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How do you all deal with the question is he saying DADDY?

our answer: no i think he's saying dog, he doesn't have a daddy. . . he has two mommies

their remark to that is. ..

off course he has a daddy everyone has a daddy (complete stranger)


don't ever tell a kid he doesn't have something he has to have a daddy, everyone has a daddy
(my darling step mother in law)

or complete quiet. . .

then there is the question

which one of you is his real mom?

my answer, do you want to know which vagina he flew out of, well that would be mine, but he has two REAL mommies

their response,
normally complete silence

over and over it seems people seem to think it's there place to say stuff that just pisses me off to no end and every time i seem to be unprepared for the unexpected

does this stuff ever happen to any of you? or are we just lucky?

thanks for letting me vent this stuff has been haunting my dreams!

loving wife to Jeanette 4 years of love

: : : : : vegetarian for 15 years
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#2 of 6 Old 09-29-2005, 05:17 AM
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Nothing to say mama just .
Good luck mama...
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#3 of 6 Old 09-29-2005, 11:07 AM
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Because we are adoptive parents and our daughter looks quite different than we do, we get asked stupid questions on a regular basis. I am happy to share the best advice I ever got about this: give the answer you want your child to hear. Don't worry about the person asking the question. For me, this means not conveying a sense of shame or embarrassment, not revealing information that is too personal about my daughter's background, and answering respectfully.

In the case of someone who is not a stranger, i.e. your MIL, I would take her aside and state calmly how her question makes you feel and what behavior you would prefer.

For the two moms question in particular, we just say, "We are both her mothers," and let people deal with that any way they want to. No further explanation needed.
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#4 of 6 Old 09-30-2005, 01:17 AM
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I like the advice to give the answer you want your kid to hear. . . .

I will often say, "like many kids, Ava has 2 parents. Her parents both happen to be moms." We also explain to Ava that families can look lots of different ways, etc. We're blessed to know families with 2 moms, 2 dads, 1 dad & 1 mom, grandparents raising kids, etc. That helps make the idea more concrete.

Bottom line, IMO, don't say more than you want to, be polite and change the subject. Sometimes it helps to "tai chi" a question and say something like, "Hm. That's quite a question!" Then smile and don't say another word. Let the "asker" think on it.
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#5 of 6 Old 10-01-2005, 05:46 PM
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We've actually never gotten asked who is his real mum. Who knows why? We have been asked who the birthmum is, and we answer b/c for us it's not a hurtful thing (I'm sure it all depends on context) - no way in hell would dp want to give birth!

But as for Daddy, well, our kid does talk abotu daddies/papas a bunch. Most of his friends have daddies and they are our friends, so he talks about them, and in play his toys often have mommies and daddies. Sometimes people freeze up the first time they hear that, thinking it's really weird, but we tend to just talk it through like, "Oh are you talking about C's daddy? We saw him on Saturday, didn't we?" or "Oh is that a daddy dump truck? Where are his babies? Is there any other daddy or mama in the family?" We've found that after people hear us modelling reacting normally to "daddy" talk, they are better able to do so themselves.
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#6 of 6 Old 10-04-2005, 03:38 AM
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really like your reply Diane, I think I've read you saying that before. We have been asked this question, and we too say "we both are" that's all we say.

If we make it clear question time closed by changing subject or giving the look !! no one dares ask any more. People are incredibly insensitive but they do stop when they sense it was the wrong question
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