Lesbians who have been married to or in relationships with men - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 10-10-2005, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
2happymamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,894
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have been thinking about this lately and it has got me wondering....do you find that you are nicer to women partners than men? Or that you are willing to do things for them that you would never consider doing for a man.

For example, I lived with a man (T) for several years before meeting DW. I would have never in a million years made him lunch to take to work. Would not have..he can make his own damn lunch. However, I happily make lunch for DW every day to take to work. I like doing it.

When DW's car needs an oil change, I give her my car for the day and take hers. And it comes home not only with an oil change but also with a full tank of gas, car wash, interior vacuumed, and windows cleaned. T could go take his car and get the oil changed.

With T, I would never clean the house. Now with DW, I clean house. I spend the 1/2 before she gets home from work straightening up. I would rarely cook dinner for T. I probably cook 5-6 nights per week now and she does the dishes.

This even goes into parenting. With T, I swore that I would never stay home with kids. I was not willing to give up my career for him. Now I cannot wait to be a SAHM and would not have it any other way. I look at parenting so much differently now. Had I remained with T, I really think I would have been extremely mainstream in my parenting.

I think all of this could be b/c T would not do anything to help me out. Not get an oil change, make my lunch, help clean house, do dishes, or cook. DW is more than willing to do all of those things.

Do you think that it is different for women in relationships with other women in terms of things they are willing and like to do for each other? Or is it relationship specific? Such as, DP respects me and I want to do these things or DP does not respect me and there is no way in hell I am doing any of it? Did your views change about what you would do after entering into a relationship with another woman? Or do you do special things b/c of finally finding that special person? I think it is b/c of the special person and you wanna make them happy.
2happymamas is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 10-10-2005, 06:53 PM
 
Faerieshadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,646
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

Me: married to my :fireman Mama to my littles: Toby 8/04 and Elina 10/08
Faerieshadow is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 10-10-2005, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
2happymamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,894
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faerieshadow
I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

That is exactly what I believe. I was with a group of friends recently and this topic came up. Almost all the women in same-sex relationships indicated that they do things for female partners that they would have never done for a man. I said that while I never did these things for a man, I thought it was b/c I had finally met the person of my dreams. Not all, but the majority of the women said they would do those things for any woman, not only b/c she was "The One." For some reason, this really got to me....



BTW Faerieshadow, you have a beautiful family!
2happymamas is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 10-10-2005, 08:14 PM
 
canadianchick's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Enjoying the early Spring!!! Yeah!
Posts: 3,678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faerieshadow
I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

: I totally agree...

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
canadianchick is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 10-13-2005, 02:23 AM
 
mamarhu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: dining at the restaurant at the end of the universe
Posts: 3,035
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
It's very much the same for me, although I am way single these days. For me, it was also a man's expectations, versus a woman's apprciation. And a power issue: my relationships with women have been more equalitarian, so I never felt pushed into doing those things.

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

mamarhu is online now  
#6 of 6 Old 10-13-2005, 07:47 PM
 
max_4477's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 157
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't describe my experiences as an adult that way, exactly. As a young person, in some of my early relationships, I would say I let women "get away with" stuff (that was not okay) I never would have let slide with a man. But as an adult, while I have acted differently with male partners than female, I see the difference in behaviours more based in the sexism of society (and our internalised sexism) than in "niceness." I mean, isn't it "nice" to help a man be less sexist or free himself from gender roles he felt crammed into, in the long run? I have seen myself interested in being a SAHP with a female partner when with a male partner that probably would never have happened. But for me, that's more about our roles in society and the family, and the different measures I feel I have to go to in different types of relationships to feel okay with how egalitarian things are.
max_4477 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off