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-   -   Queer Parents Poll (http://www.mothering.com/forum/235-queer-parenting/409632-queer-parents-poll.html)

CeraMae 02-11-2006 02:29 AM

I am just wondering where we all at right now, and trying to gather some information! I'm a bi mama, leaning more towards women, unhappily married. But "working on it"

xoxo
Cera Mae

edited to add: I realize these options are broad/simplified, please entertain them!!

thismama 02-11-2006 02:36 AM

I voted single, bi leaning more toward women.

bjorker 02-12-2006 05:55 AM

Wow, these results are very interesting so far.

As of now, there are 9 votes. 8 of which are bisexual, leaning more towards women. Nobody has said equally attracted, suprising! I kind of waver in between equally attracted to both sexes, and leaning [slightly] more towards women. I think it depends on the day I'm asked. Since the word "slightly" wasn't in there, I wasn't too sure which box to check.

I probably should have put that I am in a monogomous relationship... but I didn't choose either options. I don't feel monogomous... so I guess I'm hiding from that question. I also have a slight window to not be in a monogomous relationship (meaning, DP hasn't totally written it off). Thus I don't feel that it's 100% true, even though I only have one partner. I think too much thought process just went into that ... did it even make any sense?


mumm 02-12-2006 09:27 AM

I voted bi/women, monogomous, satisfied. Which really does sum things up. (Although I might say that I am 100% homo, but still find men attractive, but what the hell does that mean? )

Although I have devolped a wandering eye over the last couple weeks! I think after 8 years of being pg, nursing (or both), and ttc with the help of fertility drugs, my hormones have sorted themselves after a recent miscarriage. All of a sudden my kids swim teacher seems hot. Or the farmer at the local working farm. OMG, what happened to me!

It is interesting to me to see so many women who are married (to men) who identify as/with 'queer'. I don't have issue with it, but it does make it feel as if someone in my shoes (18 years monogomous with a woman, couple kids, house with picket fence, no drama, etc.) doesn't really belong in this space.

pinkmilk 02-13-2006 12:02 PM

I voted bi and equally attracted to both.I really had to think if I was happy in my relationship!!!But I just had a baby so there's only love in my eyes for one man right now...the little one I just gave birth to!!

CeraMae 02-13-2006 12:40 PM

.

venustx 02-13-2006 12:58 PM

I voted 100% lesbian, monogamous, satisfied with my partner. I mostly lurk around here, partly because we're not parents, just TTC, and on a break now after unsuccessfully trying a lot of fertility drugs so I don't have much to add. I have noticed that monogamous lesbians seem to be in the minority around here, and I was surprised that would be the case in the "queer parenting" forum.

mamimapster 02-13-2006 01:04 PM

Well,
I voted 100% girls, monogamous, satisfied. However, I have to say that the 100% was hard, because emotionally I'm def. 100% attracted to the woman I married five years ago, and totally monogamous. Sexually I would say I'm 90% Homosexual. Historically even though I came out in High School (to a group of very artsy-punk-pinko friends ) in a surprisingly safe space for the late 80's, I was still in a few relationships with men early on, this was mosly because the pressure on gay people to be "straight" is very strong. Things have changed so much in 19 years. When I came out even though on some level I knew Gay people existed, I didn't know any IRL. All of my life the one thing I knew was that I wanted to have children, and didn't know how that would happen as a Gay person. I was very fortuante in many ways that the most serious het relationship I was ever in happened at the right time. My boyfriend at the time was a wonderful person who happened to have a Gay mom. Aha! So gay people could have children, this changed the trajectory of my life in so many ways for the better.

chfriend 02-13-2006 06:19 PM

I'm a boring "married" lesbian, happy with the love of my life and our two perfect children.

Really.

earthmama369 02-13-2006 06:40 PM

To clarify for your later question, I'm bi leaning more toward women, monogamous, and happily married to a man. Dh is just the right person for me, and would be as a man or a woman. I don't know how else to explain it.

mshollyk 02-13-2006 09:06 PM

i'm monogamous, but i'm trans (future FtM), and i love men so i'm not exactly hetero. *i* think i'm 100% homo, but others wouldn't agree because i don't have a penis.

Kincaid 02-13-2006 11:02 PM

100% partnered happy homo lesbian (lifetime penis-free gurantee), mono relationship, with toddler conc'vd together.

karuna 02-14-2006 12:19 AM

OT, but mshollyk: I'd love to hear about your (future) transition, decision-making, the whole thing, if you'd care to share... a new thread, maybe?? I seem to remember a trans/gender thread a while back, and there were a few of us who don't feel like "woman" is an accurate identity. I've never felt like a girl/woman, exactly, and while I don't see myself changing my biological sex-- I'm comfortable with female genitalia and breasts, etc.-- I'm really interested in (and supportive of) folks who do decide to go that route.

I voted with the majority in the poll, it seems: bi, more into women, monogamous, (mostly)satisfied.

wemoon 02-14-2006 08:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by venustx
I voted 100% lesbian, monogamous, satisfied with my partner. I mostly lurk around here, partly because we're not parents, just TTC, and on a break now after unsuccessfully trying a lot of fertility drugs so I don't have much to add. I have noticed that monogamous lesbians seem to be in the minority around here, and I was surprised that would be the case in the "queer parenting" forum.

I'm 100% lesbian! I just don't post here cause well, like you just said. I'm monogamous, satisfied with my girlfriend.

cmb123 02-14-2006 09:34 AM

100% lesbian here, with 3 kids- in a monogamous relationship, very happily so- but not a coparenting relationship, the kids are from a former relationship. My sweetie and I do not live together.

lunadoula 02-14-2006 05:38 PM

Happily married to another woman, open relationship, TTC our first. I marked "bi and equally attracted" though I don't identify as bisexual because I date all sorts of genders.

mshollyk 02-14-2006 08:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by karuna
OT, but mshollyk: I'd love to hear about your (future) transition, decision-making, the whole thing, if you'd care to share... a new thread, maybe?? I seem to remember a trans/gender thread a while back, and there were a few of us who don't feel like "woman" is an accurate identity. I've never felt like a girl/woman, exactly, and while I don't see myself changing my biological sex-- I'm comfortable with female genitalia and breasts, etc.-- I'm really interested in (and supportive of) folks who do decide to go that route.
sure i'll start a thread soon.

Diane B 02-15-2006 12:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by venustx
I voted 100% lesbian, monogamous, satisfied with my partner. I mostly lurk around here, partly because we're not parents, just TTC, and on a break now after unsuccessfully trying a lot of fertility drugs so I don't have much to add. I have noticed that monogamous lesbians seem to be in the minority around here, and I was surprised that would be the case in the "queer parenting" forum.
I didn't vote, because no way am I going to say that I'm "100% homosexual" (just a tip: that word went out of use except by the religious right in about 1970, ok?) but I'm a happy monogomously partnered lesbian with one beautiful adopted child - and we are both her legal mamas.

And I don't check into this forum very often because, frankly, most of my thoughts and concerns around parenting have almost nothing to do with the fact that I'm lesbian. I've been out for 23 years, and it's not really a big deal in my life. My guess is that people who are more likely to post here are dealing with issues around sexuality.

That said, I do like to check in from time to time to see if there are any parenting-related discussions.

chfriend 02-16-2006 09:51 PM

I'm sure you didn't mean this as snarky as it sounds " (just a tip: that word went out of use except by the religious right in about 1970, ok?)." I came out 29 years ago and for all I know this expression is making a big ol' comeback.

I post in here every now and then and lurk a bit as well. My oldest is only 5 and the queer thing showed up as something to help her playmates with when she was 3. We belong to a local queer parents group as well and it helps her to have friends who also have 2 moms.

Some of the folks here are having issues with their sexuality, but lots of them aren't. Being a lesbian is part of who I am as a person and who I am as a mom.

adinal 02-16-2006 10:30 PM

Hi ladies.

So, I am back to take over as mod here in QP...

It concerns me A LOT that those of you who are partnered with women exclusively are feeling pushed out, or out of place here. It makes me sad!

I am concerned by the turn the forum has taken, frankly, and the mods and admin are discussing it. It seems to be that the forum has moved into a bi-curious, but married type of thing -which is NOT its function.

So, soon I am going to be opening a thread to discuss this with you all as well.

I would hate for any of our queer mamas feel ousted.



PM me if you have thoughts on this, I would like some feed back on what you feel you need out of the forum, and what it is.

CeraMae 02-16-2006 10:44 PM

Adina:
I know I could pm you, but as starter of this thread I want to state my intentions. I have also noticed a large "bi-curious, married" population on this board, and I have to express my need to have that available.

Being bisexual is part of being queer. It is a tough place to be because we are oftentimes excluded from gay AND straight communities because we fall in the middle. It is important for me to have this place to come to, because in my normal life-outside of the computer- it is a very hard tribe to find (bisexual mamas and dads that is).

Yes, a lot of us are sexually confused, but I don't see that as a reason to exclude us, and I don't see how that excludes the lesbian mamas in here. If nothing else, I envy the amount of confidence and stability that these women have in their lives and I look to them as examples. My whole reason for starting this poll is out of the need to understand the diversity of lifestyle choices and myriad decisions taking place in people's lives. I based the above poll off of Kinsey's Scale that is has been the most dominantly used scale in psychology since the 50's. I know it is flawed and exclusive, but for the sake of simplicity (and I only have 10 poll options) I decided to condense it. I knew it would offend someone out there for not including the right words and/or definitions... but hey, we are human!

I hope that it has not stirred up too much controversy, and I also feel that bi mamas have a place here, too. The fact that we participate in more discussions is, I think, evidence of how encompassing the sexuality spectrum is.

adinal 02-16-2006 10:54 PM

No worries - I am one of the bi, but married genre as well. I am certainly NOT talking about excluding anyone from this board. But that is my main concern - a couple of our mamas who are partenered exclusively with women (old and married as they said ) are feeling excluded.

I want this forum to emcompass ALL of our queer mamas. Not to be a place solely for discussing be curious about being with a woman, or a place where you have to be exclusively partnered with the same sex to be able to post.

I think that is a delicate balancing act, and I have seen some threads lately that are leading me to believe that we aren't balancing so well.

So fear not, this mod has walked both lines, and wants to make this a good forum for the queer community, while adhering to MDC rules. Make sense?

Edited to Add:
I should also state that we don't host relationship threads as such. The rules in Parents as Partners apply here as well. Nor do we host sex threads, so, some of the bi-curious threads aren't appropriate at all. threads about experimenting with women, aren't really appropriate to the topic of parenting, which is MDCs main focus. Hence, this fine line that we are trying to walk, that is not seeming to fulfill the forum's purpose, nor the needs of what is seeming to be quite a few of our queer mamas.

I greatly apologize for hijacking this thread. It wasn't really my intention....

mshollyk 02-16-2006 11:59 PM

okay, as far as i know, i'm the only fag here. in fact, i got started on my whole gender quest because i felt that i needed to justify how i am queer to people who think i have hetero privilege because i have breasts, a vagina and am married to a man. so i don't understand this whole feeling excluded thing. i could easily feel that way, but ultimately that would leave me with one less very valuable resource--the mamas of great wisdom who post here, be they lesbian, gay, bisexual, bi-curious, trans, translovers, intersex, or straight allies. i'm grateful to read everyone's experiences, even if i cannot relate personally to them.

dynamicdoula 02-17-2006 01:51 AM

I share this sentiment:

Quote:
I voted bi/women, monogomous, satisfied. Which really does sum things up. (Although I might say that I am 100% homo, but still find men attractive, but what the hell does that mean?)
I could have written that.

I am very content in my relationship, and I know that if my relationship were to end I would not be interested in a relationship with a man.

Kincaid 02-17-2006 01:55 AM

I'm another who thinks the slam against "100%" lesbian is snarky. My identity is not a trend or a concept based in a generation's way of thinking. Please don't patronize my self-concept, thanks. That sucks.

Adina, I always envisioned the Queer Parenting boards to be about *parenting* issues that relate to a gay family structure. If Mothering was interested in supporting an "Intimacy/Relationships" forum, this would be a natural place for a lot of that stuff you are referring to. How about doing that and directing those topics there? Ah, but you say Mothering does not want to host sexuality/intimacy content so you don't want to open a forum like that? Cool. So don't allow it here either!
It seems to me it gets allowed here in Queer Parenting because mods don't want to step on any toes with a "marginalized" group Which is nice. But I personally think it should be treated the same way mods treat hetero sexuality talk...

And we have talked about this before, a group of us... there are a LOT of lesbian moms out there posting on other boards about queer parenting. Even on BabyCenter. There is a reason they aren't here, and I wish we could turn that around. A lesbian mom coming here for parenting support is not going to want to wade thru coming-out or should we open up our relationship to other people questions. Not that those thoughts aren't valid - they are!!! I just don't understand what this forum is supposed to be about, but it doesn't look like too many gay folks talking about parenting issues. JMHO.

Sincere apologies for getting off topic from the OP. I just wanted to respond to Adina publicly so that it's "out" in the open how I feel (as just one lesbian mom, who happens to be so behind the times she considers herself 100% gay). LOL!

Pynki 02-17-2006 11:21 AM

I'm not bi-curious, or confused about my sexuality. I am simply bisexual. There's no wondering about it. I'm married to my husband and as happy with a monogamous relationship as I am bound to be. Which means I'm a little unsatisfied with it too. I totally don't get the not "queer" enough to post in the queer parenting forums thinking though.

Diane B 02-17-2006 11:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend
I'm sure you didn't mean this as snarky as it sounds " (just a tip: that word went out of use except by the religious right in about 1970, ok?)." I came out 29 years ago and for all I know this expression is making a big ol' comeback.
No, I didn't mean to be that snarky - sorry. Having a rough day, I guess.

What I should have said is, "I do not care for the term 'homosexual' applied to me as a lesbian. I know that the poster did not mean it in a derogatory way, but in my experience, it is most commonly used by the religious right as a put-down. Different folks in the GLBT community prefer different terms; generally, when you are talking about someone who is sexually attracted to and partnered with women, the word 'lesbian' is a better choice, in my opinion."

There. Thanks for the reminder about tone.

Diane B 02-17-2006 11:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend
I'm sure you didn't mean this as snarky as it sounds " (just a tip: that word went out of use except by the religious right in about 1970, ok?)." I came out 29 years ago and for all I know this expression is making a big ol' comeback.
No, I didn't mean to be that snarky - sorry. Having a rough day, I guess.

What I should have said is, "I do not care for the term 'homosexual' applied to me as a lesbian. I know that the poster did not mean it in a derogatory way, but in my experience, it is most commonly used by the religious right as a put-down. Different folks in the GLBT community prefer different terms; generally, when you are talking about someone who is primarily sexually attracted to and partnered with women, the word 'lesbian' is a better choice, in my opinion."

There. Thanks for the reminder about tone.

lunadoula 02-18-2006 12:33 PM

Adina - I can't speak for any of the other queer parents here, but I don't feel "pushed out" and frankly I don't personally feel like it is a major issue. I think there should be clarity about what this forum is for, and I agree with Kincaid that if Mothering.com doesn't want relationship/intimacy forums (except as related to parenting) than it should apply the same rules in Queer Parenting.

I love that we have our "own" forum, however I have to say one of the benefits of the "finding your tribe" forums is that they can have a more unfocused discussion on their threads that are not directly related to parenting. I'd like to be free to talk about all things related to being Queer parents in our forum - including TTC, etc. I don't want to have to wade through other forums for that. Does that make sense?

Though I am partnered to a woman, I really want this to be a place where queer women/transfolk/etc. who are partnered to men can come and feel like they have a forum that includes them. It really bothers me when I feel like those who aren't "100% gay/lesbian" are pushed to the side. A lot of us have complex identies (I identify as lesbian because it's easier and I'm partnered to a woman... but I also date men...go figure).

Personally, being queer is not such a huge issue in my life nor the reason I came to mothering.com. I come here to learn about parenting topics that are not so mainstream. For the queer support I go to a different forum and website that is focused on that. All people have to do is start a thread here if they have something to talk about - I do it all the time and I've never had a problem.

adinal 02-19-2006 01:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunadoula
Adina - I can't speak for any of the other queer parents here, but I don't feel "pushed out" and frankly I don't personally feel like it is a major issue. I think there should be clarity about what this forum is for, and I agree with Kincaid that if Mothering.com doesn't want relationship/intimacy forums (except as related to parenting) than it should apply the same rules in Queer Parenting.

I love that we have our "own" forum, however I have to say one of the benefits of the "finding your tribe" forums is that they can have a more unfocused discussion on their threads that are not directly related to parenting. I'd like to be free to talk about all things related to being Queer parents in our forum - including TTC, etc. I don't want to have to wade through other forums for that. Does that make sense?
.

We are working on the guidelines about the relationship/intimacy threads in here. Some of them are valid QP concerns, and some of them amount to n more than how to get a date threads...which aren't appropriate on any forum here at MDC. It is hard sometimes to draw that line, without offending folks (having put my foot in it a couple times...)

I also would like to have this be a place to discuss things related to being queer parents. That is my ultimate goal. Though I would also say that the TTC forum benefits from everyone experience, and the more resources we get there the better, so please come visit over there too!! But I think that there is a place for things like TTC threads here as well.

I am trying to find guidelines to present to the other mods and admin. Trying to make this a place where all queeer mamas feel comfy, and like they can talk, and like they belong, while also keeping it about parenting, not about folks' dating lives. Does that make sense? I have suggested changing the name of this forum to Queer Parents (vs. parenting) in order to cover more topics that a relevant to queer parents, not just about parenting. That is a suggestion that is being considered.

It is tough. I feel sometimes that it is expected that all the dating/intimacy threads are okay here, which is odd. I would like this forum to be a resource for queer families as the Fertility Board has become.

I dunno -I have preggo brain -so sometimes I ramble, and get worked up, and yet make NO sense.


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