complexity of bein' bi and monogamous by choice - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 61 Old 02-14-2006, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
jennlindsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: in da kitchen, cookin' with chicken
Posts: 1,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
hey mamas,

just wondering if anyone here was in similar situation ... i'm bi but in a monogamous relationship with the father of my unborn kiddo (we tried being poly, found it wasn't for us). totally happy with our current status but it's an interesting position to be in, knowing that for all intents and purposes we "look" straight (well, my partner is, at least) but that i still consider bisexuality a part of my identity. do you find ways to "honor" that aspect of your sexuality that aren't sexual per se? (if that makes sense)

curious as to whether or not others have had to navigate this issue...
jennlindsey is offline  
#2 of 61 Old 02-14-2006, 07:59 PM
 
KieranD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you honor that part of your sexuality every time you appreciate an aspect of feminine beauty in your own unique way.

Are you worried you're being perceived as being "too straight"? If you want to more publicly identify as bi (or even to give bisexuality a bigger part of your life non-sexually), you can always volunteer time at a LGBT+ event or cause.

-Kieran
KieranD is offline  
#3 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 12:03 AM
 
pinkmilk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: on the farm with people I love.
Posts: 2,059
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think if it's all I do to just hang out here in the queer parenting forum, dream of being with a women and send the odd Valentine to a cute girl then I'm honoring myself and my identity. I have been married to dh for almost 5 years and in that time have been in love with 1 woman...she was/is my best friend but we live so far apart now. We were only intimate a couple of times...she's very straight. We moved far away and well I have'nt met anyone since... and I may never.
I also honor myself by having a rainbow sticker on my van, teaching my kids about love and all types of relationships and about bisexualty(Mommy used to have girlfriends)...

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
pinkmilk is offline  
#4 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 12:27 AM
 
Stinkerbell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: South of Boston
Posts: 1,773
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennlindsey
hey mamas,

just wondering if anyone here was in similar situation ... i'm bi but in a monogamous relationship with the father of my unborn kiddo (we tried being poly, found it wasn't for us). totally happy with our current status but it's an interesting position to be in, knowing that for all intents and purposes we "look" straight (well, my partner is, at least) but that i still consider bisexuality a part of my identity. do you find ways to "honor" that aspect of your sexuality that aren't sexual per se? (if that makes sense)

curious as to whether or not others have had to navigate this issue...
Hmmm. I am bi, but made a decision to be with the man I love. Since I am here because I want to be, I have not had any real temptation. I mean, is it any more so than a straight but committed girl would be tempted by another man? Is that what you are feeling...that you worry about being faithful to a man knowing you are also attracted to women?
Are you just feeling like you have chosen one *side* and want to make sure you aren't ignoring the other side? I'm not totally clear what you are feeling.
Stinkerbell is offline  
#5 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
jennlindsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: in da kitchen, cookin' with chicken
Posts: 1,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stinkerbell
Hmmm. I am bi, but made a decision to be with the man I love. Since I am here because I want to be, I have not had any real temptation. I mean, is it any more so than a straight but committed girl would be tempted by another man? Is that what you are feeling...that you worry about being faithful to a man knowing you are also attracted to women?
Are you just feeling like you have chosen one *side* and want to make sure you aren't ignoring the other side? I'm not totally clear what you are feeling.
for me, it's not an issue of "temptation" at all. i made my decision because it's the one that i'm happy with. i guess it's more a matter of feeling like that aspect is still a part of me whether i choose to act upon it relationship-wise or not, and having that come up when i least expect it. as an example, one time i was in the ER for an issue during this pregnancy and the doctor looked at my partner and i and said "so, you're heterosexual and monogamous" (making an assumption because we were there together, having a baby together) and in my head i was like ... umm .... NO, but I didn't really want to get into a detailed discussion of my sexuality with a doctor i had just met. afterwards, i asked myself: should i have corrected him? *can* i still legitimately identify as bi when for all intents and purposes my life is "straight" in terms of relationship practice? that sort of thing. (i think the answer is "yes, i can and should," but after having gotten some grief from former friends about being a "sellout," i think it's taken me a while to get there, and i think finding my own way to self-identify without getting caught in a labyrinth of identity politics will take me a while longer.)
jennlindsey is offline  
#6 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 02:45 PM
 
KaraBoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Alb-uh-kirk-ee
Posts: 4,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It IS complex, isn't it? For me, it's gotten harder to honor that part of myself as the years go by. I've been married, to a man, for 7 years. We are monogamous so I've not flirted or dated any women during that time. I have to admit, it's getting tougher because as I get older (I'm 35), I feel more of a need to truly be myself and get in touch with what I truly want/need. But I love my husband with all my heart. And he desires, for now, a monogamous marriage. I'm doing a lot of thinking and journalling right now.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, too
KaraBoo is offline  
#7 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 04:59 PM
 
dynamicdoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kitsap County, WA
Posts: 2,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am sooo subscribing to this thread as I have needed, needed, NEEDED to have someone to talk to about this for the longest time. I have a lot to say but I'm on my way out to lunch... will write more later!

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
Doula, Student Midwife, Mama, Wife & More
http://redspiral.blogspot.com
dynamicdoula is offline  
#8 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 05:08 PM
 
Pynki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Inside the café au lait
Posts: 7,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For me, it feels like I am denying 1/2 of who I am. I love dh. I married him, we have a life and family, but... I MISS women. Probably much the same way I would miss MEN if I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I miss the energy of the other 1/2. It almost feels like a constant craving to me. I never want another man, but... I can't stop wishing there was ALSO a woman.

It's lonely being the only XX in a house of XYs.
Pynki is offline  
#9 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 07:19 PM
 
dynamicdoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kitsap County, WA
Posts: 2,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Okay I'm back from my jaunt to the store for lunch!

I definitely agree that this is a complex issue, more so than my DH acknowledges, that's for sure.

I for one don't have any desire to be with anyone but my husband. My fantasies are about women and my husband, my primary attraction is to women- but I am fulfilled in my marriage and really don't yearn for anything else. It definitely took time and some 'surrender' to being married to get me to this place.

My husband feels that if I am with a man, I am straight, and that if I was single, I would be bi because then I could either date men or women. I can't get him to understand that just because I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women- he just doesn't want to acknowledge it, I guess.

We had a big blow out recently when I wrote on my blog that I was bi and he saw it (he reads my blog, I invite him to), and we had almost a week of deep, painful discussion about how I feel he is ashamed of me, that if he could cut that out of me that i would be the perfect woman for him, and that it is painful knowing I can't talk about it with him at all.

We silently reached a point of compromise... I sort of agreed not to bring it up again around him and he has been WAY less defensive about it. Lately he's even sort of brought it up himself.. and I never pursue the conversation, just kind of meet him where he's at and leave it there, let him 'lead', so to speak. I am hopeful that like other topics, if I am patient and let him find his way, that we will work through it. It seems to be working.

My husband is an amazing man who loves me with everything that he is, he just struggles with this because I think he sees it as threatening, that I might 'wake up' and leave him for a woman one day. I don't know how to alleviate his fears other than to be trustworthy and honest, as iI have been- and let him be responsible for his own shit, honestly. I can't 'fix' it for him, he has to figure his way through it on his own.

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
Doula, Student Midwife, Mama, Wife & More
http://redspiral.blogspot.com
dynamicdoula is offline  
#10 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 07:29 PM
 
CryPixie83's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: drifting away...
Posts: 3,163
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm bi and married to a man. That definately doesn't make me any less bi. Something that really gets me (am I the only person who gets this from people) is that guys tend to think that being with a bisexual female means "instant threesome!" : or that we're automatically easy or that we want to be in a poly relationship. I've been in poly relationships, they're not for me, I don't share well. DH and I do "check out" other women together, which is one way I keep in touch with my sexuality, I appreciate the female form and it's sensuality and sexuality and beauty...
CryPixie83 is offline  
#11 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 08:49 PM
 
Lizzardbits's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Southwestern Minnesota
Posts: 853
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
you ladies have eloquently put into words what i have felt all along. I love the human body in all its shapes and forms. my best friend feels the same way, and chooses to see the beauty in both men and women, all colors and shapes and sizes. She and i share a relationship that our fiances have a bit of trouble understanding. i love her and lust her and i know that the feeling is mutual. Our guys tend to think that it is going to lead to some sort of group sex thing. so we refrain from anything sexual around our guys, but when we are on the phone to each other, we express how sexy we find each other. we both are in happy monogamus relationships that we both see as "fooling around" with anyone but our fiances as cheating.

I too feel like i am denying a part of me. but then on the other hand, i know that marrying my guy is right for me. (I just keep thinking that if he were female, that i'd love them just the same.

Karin, Wife to Dear Sweet English Husband~Soon to be Legally American. Mom to Zach~13, Lily~9, Alex~2, and Izzy or Zeke arriving July 2010! Living a life full of LOVE!
Lizzardbits is offline  
#12 of 61 Old 02-15-2006, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
jennlindsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: in da kitchen, cookin' with chicken
Posts: 1,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow ... thank you, ladies, for all your heartfelt responses. I was a little nervous putting myself out there with a question the way I did, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this particular issue.

A few things that jumped out at me in response before I head home from work:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki
For me, it feels like I am denying 1/2 of who I am. I love dh. I married him, we have a life and family, but... I MISS women. Probably much the same way I would miss MEN if I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I miss the energy of the other 1/2. It almost feels like a constant craving to me. I never want another man, but... I can't stop wishing there was ALSO a woman.
Interestingly enough, the *only* thing I found fulfilling about being poly was that both sides of my sexuality were actively engaged at once when I was dating both a man and a woman simultaneously. It's an interesting idea in theory, and if I really wanted to be with a woman again, my partner would be supportive, which I appreciate, but my overall experience of the poly relationship we were in was so utterly traumatic that I have no desire to go there again (not an indictment of polyamory itself, just a commentary on a really, really bad individual situation).

Quote:
Originally Posted by dynamicdoula
My husband feels that if I am with a man, I am straight, and that if I was single, I would be bi because then I could either date men or women. I can't get him to understand that just because I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women- he just doesn't want to acknowledge it, I guess.
And I can see how it might feel threatening to someone who doesn’t have that frame of reference in terms of their own sexuality, but wow, that must be hard for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CryPixie83
I'm bi and married to a man. That definately doesn't make me any less bi. Something that really gets me (am I the only person who gets this from people) is that guys tend to think that being with a bisexual female means "instant threesome!" : or that we're automatically easy or that we want to be in a poly relationship. I've been in poly relationships, they're not for me, I don't share well. DH and I do "check out" other women together, which is one way I keep in touch with my sexuality, I appreciate the female form and it's sensuality and sexuality and beauty...
Other than the fact that my partner and I aren't married yet, I could have written your post word for word in terms of sentiment! So totally been there on all of the above!

Thank you again for an excellent ongoing discussion, everybody!
jennlindsey is offline  
#13 of 61 Old 02-16-2006, 11:10 AM
 
KaraBoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Alb-uh-kirk-ee
Posts: 4,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My problem is that while a threesome is certainly exciting, I struggle with the desire to have a relationship with a woman that *doesn't* include my husband. Yet, I want to be monogamous. It's enough to drive a girl crazy!
KaraBoo is offline  
#14 of 61 Old 02-19-2006, 03:43 AM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am bisexual, I am monogamous with a straight-but-not-narrow man who knew I was bisexual well before I ever "outed" myself to him, I have no particular desire to be polyamorous although I think I could be happy in a poly relationship, I have strong attractions to women (probably 50/50 on average), and although I wish I had a magical potion that would turn my lover female for a day every once in a while, I am not sexually unfulfilled nor do I feel I am denying any part of myself, because, well, I'm not.

I don't feel any of this is contradictory.

In terms of wanting a female lover, here's what I usually say: About 5% of the time, I'm really glad my lover is male. About 5% of the time I wish he were a she. The rest of the time, I only care about getting off, so my partner's perfect for me 95% of the time! And the rest of the time, I express my frustrations regarding the form of his flesh, and we deal with it (did I mention he's not narrow?).

No relationship is perfect. No relationship is going to provide everything you need, not even sexually. Dealing with that immutable fact is the mark of maturity; sometimes we deal with it by accepting whatever it lacks and moving on with our lives ("well, I'm never going to have a female lover, oh well"), sometimes we deal with it by compromising ("honey, let's look through this Good Vibes catalogue together tonight - do you think this harness is my color?"), and sometimes we deal with it by forming other relationships ("you already know my primary lifemate Bob, and this is my girlfriend Jill"). None of these is better in an absolute sense than any other, and most people will probably use all of them at some point or another in their lives.

My deepest sympathy for those of you who aren't happy with your life as-is, and I hope each of you finds the shift in perceptions or actions that are right for you.

Also, sorry about the length/tone of the message - I'm tired, and I write more, and more formally, the tireder I get.
Arwyn is offline  
#15 of 61 Old 02-19-2006, 04:33 AM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As for passing as straight, I hate it. I actively work against it - by being unmarried (we're boycotting marriage), by openly expressing my attractions to both/many sexes if I'm in a situation where I would express any, by correcting false assumptions and rejecting false labels.

An example on that last one - I have a SIL who is, as far as I can tell, really uncomfortable with my bisexuality, even though her husband/my brother is really cool about it. She doesn't like to use my prefered term for my lifemate ("partner"), "because people might get the wrong idea and think you're gay." (That's half the point!) She thinks we should just get married because we're wasting money (I don't yet have insurance through DP's job and we're paying for COBRA for me), and it's just silly/stupid that we're not, and "it does no good" (even though only because of us, DP's employer is going to look for domestic partner coverage when they switch insurance carriers later this year). Anyway, she has tried to say we're in a heterosexual relationship - which, while correct technically ("b : of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between individuals of opposite sex"), is incorrect and misleading socially - and I correct her and insist on using the more precise and accurate "male/female relationship", or, better still, just "relationship".

When a medical practitioner says something like "you're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, right?" I reply with "I am monogamous in a relationship with a man, yes." Which is, again, more precise and more accurate.

So yes, I find lots of ways to honor my sexuality and my bisexual identity within the context of my happily monogamous relationship.
Arwyn is offline  
#16 of 61 Old 02-19-2006, 02:45 PM
 
cornflower_3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 711
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
*
cornflower_3 is offline  
#17 of 61 Old 02-23-2006, 04:52 AM
 
max_4477's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 157
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, for a differing perspective, I'm bi and married & monogamous with a woman, and it doesn't feel weire to me or like I'm denying part of myself. Maybe it's because I don't see gender as a simple male/female duality. There are always attractive people out there that have something my partner doesn't have, but I don't feel like it's doing me any harm not to be with someone (male, really buff, Jewish like me, visually artistic, etc) who is significantly different from my partner in ways I find attractive.

I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.
max_4477 is offline  
#18 of 61 Old 02-23-2006, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
jennlindsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: in da kitchen, cookin' with chicken
Posts: 1,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by max_4477
I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.
Couldn't have articulated it better myself.
jennlindsey is offline  
#19 of 61 Old 02-23-2006, 08:31 PM
 
SleepyMamaBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Vancouver, Wa
Posts: 9,050
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
subbing really quickly before DD wakes from nap.
i'm here, i'm queer, and damn near everyone around me better get used to it, cause its not gonna change!!! :P
everyone i know knows in the past i have been with both men and women an preffered women. it came as a shock to everyone, including myself, that i married a man.
but i love him as a person not because of his genitalia. it just so happens i do like his genitalia too. though his is the first male package i have seen and been with and really appreciated and enjoyed fully.
if have to give it a percentage i am 93%gay 5%straight and 2%of me doesnt give a flying f**k enough to even care.
i am married to a man in a monogamous relationship with a man. but i am in NO way straight. and we dont call our relationship hetero either. we call it either male/female or man/woman. or if we are feeling like causing an uproar penis/vagina.
neither of us are 100% hetero or gay, so the label of hetero doesnt apply to us.

treehugger.gif )O( unschooling, witchy mum to Addy(7) and Niamh(4)
Living with an invisible chronic illness.
Fat and hairy. And happy with both *( o Y o )*
SleepyMamaBear is offline  
#20 of 61 Old 05-21-2006, 11:22 PM
 
11yrsNoKid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Was Louisiana Now Oklahoma
Posts: 358
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to say that finding this thread is like opening a locked door to my mind.

I have been feeling this way for a long time. A few years ago, dh had no problem with me haveing girlfriends. I have had 4 relationships with women durring my marriage. This started with me admitting to my husband my true feelings. He then came to me and told me that he didn't have a problem with it, just don't tell him abou it. I then had my first relationship with a women I was already friends with. She gave me a key to her apt. and it lasted for 3 years. Dh and I seperated years later for other reasons. Since we have been back together, this subject hasn't come up. Except for the, "how many women have you been with while we were apart?" question. I long for a close realtionship with a woman. My bestfriend told me that if her relationship with her boyfriend doesn't work out, she wants me to be her first. Well they have been together for 1 1/2 years now. It has been longer than that since I have been with a woman. It almost seems to be impossable now that I am living in a new state and dont know anyone. There aren't any gay clubs here either.
11yrsNoKid is offline  
#21 of 61 Old 05-22-2006, 03:38 PM
 
pinkmilk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: on the farm with people I love.
Posts: 2,059
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddysMama
subbing really quickly before DD wakes from nap.
i'm here, i'm queer, and damn near everyone around me better get used to it, cause its not gonna change!!! :P
everyone i know knows in the past i have been with both men and women an preffered women. it came as a shock to everyone, including myself, that i married a man.
but i love him as a person not because of his genitalia. it just so happens i do like his genitalia too. though his is the first male package i have seen and been with and really appreciated and enjoyed fully.
if have to give it a percentage i am 93%gay 5%straight and 2%of me doesnt give a flying f**k enough to even care.
i am married to a man in a monogamous relationship with a man. but i am in NO way straight. and we dont call our relationship hetero either. we call it either male/female or man/woman. or if we are feeling like causing an uproar penis/vagina.neither of us are 100% hetero or gay, so the label of hetero doesnt apply to us.
That is so funny...i can see myself using that line..." oh yes...we're in a penis/vagina relationship"!!! i love it!!!!

my dh honored my bisexuality the other day by buying me the 1st season of The L Word!!!!

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
pinkmilk is offline  
#22 of 61 Old 05-22-2006, 06:01 PM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmm... I think I prefer dick/clit, myself.

Or phallus/yoni. That's a good one.

Arwyn is offline  
#23 of 61 Old 05-23-2006, 04:11 PM
 
pinkmilk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: on the farm with people I love.
Posts: 2,059
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
Hmm... I think I prefer dick/clit, myself.

Or phallus/yoni. That's a good one.


chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
pinkmilk is offline  
#24 of 61 Old 06-07-2006, 12:11 AM
 
TryingMommas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 250
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by max_4477
Well, for a differing perspective, I'm bi and married & monogamous with a woman, and it doesn't feel weire to me or like I'm denying part of myself. Maybe it's because I don't see gender as a simple male/female duality. There are always attractive people out there that have something my partner doesn't have, but I don't feel like it's doing me any harm not to be with someone (male, really buff, Jewish like me, visually artistic, etc) who is significantly different from my partner in ways I find attractive.

I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.
:
I have always been attracted to many genders of people, and always been in monogamous relationships, including my current one of 10+ years to a woman, without feeling any conflict within myself about it.
We both prefer "queer" for our self-identities (I was bi-identified for a very long time, but have since stopped using it much because I feel it re-inforces the false idea that there are only 2 genders), so one of the only times it comes up is in groups where someone else will say "since we're all lesbians" or "as lesbians, don't you think ..." etc and then I have to decide how to/if to/when to say I'm not a lesbian.

interesting thread, though.
TryingMommas is offline  
#25 of 61 Old 06-07-2006, 05:12 PM
 
PrairieBohemian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm responding to this post a little behind schedule so please excuse me.

Yeh, I do have a hard time being bi and in a monogamous relationship but its a much more complicated issue than just sexuality. Maybe its just because my kids are still little (just 2 and about to be born!) but I really feel robbed of my sexuality in motherhood. I miss the intensity of relationships other than those with my children esp. girl-girl ones. It just isn't so easy to feel like *me* and feel like a *sexually alive me* with "mama mama mama" day in day out.

My husband is ok with my bisexuality--I actually met him while visiting an old female lover. When we first met I even got dh to kiss a younger guy (on suggestion) but we were all very drunk but it was VERY cool since he is so, so straight. I don't think dh expects me not to play with girls as he's always been pretty accepting. I just don't know how I could find room for those relationships that used to feed me so much.

I feel like I've lost so much of me in mama, but I have also gained so much serenity.

Not sure where I was going with this...just feeding in my two cents I guess.

Thanks for the thread btw!

Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...
PrairieBohemian is offline  
#26 of 61 Old 06-09-2006, 08:45 PM
 
Moonprysm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,178
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I identified myself as a lesbian for a long time, even after I met my husband. I used to say that the phrase is sexual "preference" and I PREFER women. I actually had to overcome the fact that DH is a man. I loved him so dearly, but he was SOO not what I wanted sexually. Now I have come to enjoy it because sex is an expression of our love, and I do love him dearly.

We are poly by choice (monogamous because we have no other option right now) lol. There are times when DH can get "in touch with his feminine side", and at times like that, he truly is all that I need. But most of the time, I long for a woman to hold. Things are so much different (at least in my case) when I'm in a relationship with a woman than when I'm with a man. When I'm with a man, I very much expect him to be "the man" and treat me like his queen. I am the total opposite when I am with a woman. I want to pamper her, and she is my queen. So I think if I chose to be monogamous, I WOULD be missing something.

Not that being poly makes much of a difference, because there's like NO bi women in Virginia. lol At least none that are interested in anything more than just sex.

Momma to DS1 4/5/06 nursed with IGT to self-weaning at 27 months, DS2 1/20/09 still nursing, DS3 due late November - planning to tandem with IGT and SNS
Moonprysm is offline  
#27 of 61 Old 06-10-2006, 07:59 AM
 
PrairieBohemian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonprysm
When I'm with a man, I very much expect him to be "the man" and treat me like his queen. I am the total opposite when I am with a woman. I want to pamper her, and she is my queen. So I think if I chose to be monogamous, I WOULD be missing something.
Moonprysm, this is exactly how I feel too. I guess that "Lancelot" part of myself is what I feel I am really missing lately; I've been Guinevere far too long...

Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...
PrairieBohemian is offline  
#28 of 61 Old 06-16-2006, 12:13 AM
 
Kyamo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't feel that I have to have a man and a woman to be happy, I feel that I just had a bigger pool to pick from, and happened to fall in love with a man. Sure I get attracted to other women (and men!) but I think this would happen even if I were straight, just only to men. It doesn't mean I am unhappy in my marriage. I do feel that being bi is part of my identity though, and I don't keep it a secret. My husband is absolutely comfortable with me being bi, and with my past relationships with women, just so long as I remain monogamous.

Mommy to  N baby.gif, born 2/20/12.

Kyamo is offline  
#29 of 61 Old 06-16-2006, 12:28 AM
 
Kyamo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry, double post.

Mommy to  N baby.gif, born 2/20/12.

Kyamo is offline  
#30 of 61 Old 06-29-2006, 01:37 PM
 
uzra_hashmi@rediff's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 371
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Well, I am married to a man having another wife also and we three are happily living together. Of late, I am discovering my bi tendencies, which is both surprising and agonising at times. I had read somewhere that both males and females have a combination of both kinds of harmoanes. If one accepts genuinely being a bi, the person is honest and bold, if she / he starts living that way the person is 'bolder'. But this has got its own complications - the societal appreciation of the situation might disturb some. Perhaps, for one's own satisfaction, it is wiser to satisfy one's feelings when things become clearer. Well, women are the most beautiful creation of nature and why should they not be attracted towards each other?
Uzra
uzra_hashmi@rediff is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off