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Old 02-16-2006, 01:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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since karuna asked

this is for trans people, those who love them, and anyone who wishes to learn more

so, i hear that Felicity Huffman and Dolly Parton are on Larry King talking about the movie Transamerica. i'm planning to watch it when it repeats...has anyone here seen Transamerica? or the series Transgeneration? how about Oprah's show on transgender youth?

i'm working on my story to post here...it takes a little time to write it, though. i'd started it earlier, but one of the kids knocked the power cord out of the wall in the meantime, if you have a question about my trans journey, i'll answer
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Old 02-16-2006, 01:28 AM
 
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I just heard Felicity Huffman interviewed on NPS this afternoon! I haven't seen the movie yet, but my mom and grandmother have (loved it!). Did you see TransGeneration, the documentary on Sundance? Really cool, and I now have a big crush on Lucas, a 22 year old FtM in Massachusetts. Ha ha.

So many questions... the most pressing I guess, is what do you mean by "future FtM?" Are you planning to start T? Have any surgeries? What is making you wait? And, then, the whole kid question (though I think are the most easy going about stuff like gender and sexuality... the younger they are, the less crap has been ingrained.)
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Old 02-16-2006, 04:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i haven't decided about hormones yet. i definitely want chest surgery, but i have a thing about doctors and hospitals, and besides, my boobs might require further use--i do want to have another child. bottom surgery isn't an option. they couldn't make it big enough another thing is that when i told dp that i am trans, his reaction was, "why can't you be normal?" but he shouldn't have been surprised; i've been telling him i'm a boy for years. he's not too interested in learning any more about it, going to therapy, or anything. so, i'm in a bit of a tough spot with that now.

more later, it's late!
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Old 02-16-2006, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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omg poor Larry King! he was stumbling all over his words trying to figure out how to say things...in any event, i was moved by the stories of the trans guests. i'm so glad we're moving away from the sensationalism of it and talking about the real life aspects of being trans, and that there is greater trans visibility in the media. i thought that the psychologist/psychiatrist (?) that they had on was a little too academic for the audience, though.

my favorite quote lately is from a Prince (famously androgynous) song: "i'm not a woman, i'm not a man, i am something that you'll never understand"
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Old 02-17-2006, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so i have a new issue...how to crossdress and look professional i CANNOT wear women's office wear again
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Old 02-17-2006, 06:55 PM
 
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I transfolks. Have a good handful of them in my life, and work really hard to be a good ally. I feel like there's a whole lifetime of gender binary enforcement to overcome. One simple thing, or seemingly simple...calling people by the pronoun they prefer! Some people really object to that, which I just don't get...what on earth is wrong with respecting epople's identities?

anyhooooo. much respect to you mshollyk, for putting yourself out there for questions. I'm sorry that your dp is not on board.
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Old 02-18-2006, 06:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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here is an interesting article about Buck Angel, an FTM porn star with a unique niche. be warned, though, it's Michael Musto's column and the C* word is mentioned...

and here is his quote about bottom surgery, which is why i won't do it:

Quote:
Buck explained all that, saying he's gone the male-hormones-and- chest-reduction route, but he's held on to his vagina "because I didn't think that particular procedure was going to work for me. It's not as advanced as male-to-female surgery. And I don't need a piece of meat between my legs that doesn't work."
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Old 02-19-2006, 04:17 PM
 
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I love transfolk too!! Thanks for starting this thread, mshollyk.

I know there is a big range of opinion among transppl about surgery/hormones. Some ppl I know are electing not to do any surgery or hormones, but dress in their preferred gender, live their lives that way, and expect to be addressed as their gender, without worry about "passing."

I'd love to hear more about your process!!
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Old 02-22-2006, 01:18 AM
 
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Old 02-22-2006, 01:22 AM
 
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Old 02-22-2006, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i've always known that something wasn't right, always known that i was a boy inside and that the outside didn't fit and that i hated my body. as a kid, i was very tomboyish, to the point that people would refer to me as "young man" or "sir." when my breasts started developing at 10, it was a complete betrayal, not the celebratory thing that i thought i would feel when i read "are you there g-d, it's me margaret." the problem came when i realized that boys didn't like me cuz i looked like a boy. so i thought that i should try to look like and be a girl. i was never really comfortable with it, and i felt that there was this struggle going on between what i was inside and how i looked outside.

anywaaaaay, i'm trying to keep it short, lol...because of some posts on here about "het privilege" and some gender related ones, i started to read up on gender issues, and i immediately recognized that i had had them my whole life, but hadn't recognized it because i'd confused gender and sexuality. once i realized this, it was like AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOW I GET IT!!!!!!!!! there was never a question of me having breast surgery, i'd just always assumed i'd have a reduction...when the truth is that i'd rather not have them at all. i'm not sure about hormones yet, cuz i'm a fairly nelly queen, and not into body hair. i like looking androgynous for now. cutting off my hair was a big thing for me--there was so much baggage attached to it. but it was so freeing

some people don't like labels, but for me, having one (or 3 or 4, hehe) has made it easier to explain my inner reality. the pieces of my life finally make sense, aren't disjointed and weird anymore.

as far as DP goes, i've always said that i'm a boy, but he didn't think i meant it. i came out officially in oct, that's when he said "why can't you be normal?" i've asked him to go to counseling, but he's not interested. he said he doesn't want to live with me if i'm going to be like this, so i don't know where things will end up. it's kind of a scary time.

i've left out a lot, because i could easily write a novel (and probably will at some point), so if there is something that isn't clear, feel free to ask.
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:33 PM
 
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I just wanted to say "hello!" as the partner to a fabulous genderqueer woman who likes to say "I am both and neither" when it comes to gender. Not trans, but definately have major gender stuff over at our house in that dw uses feminine pronouns but is not totally comfortable with being labeled as either gender. It is a little different every day sometimes, depending on how she feels that day. Challenging for me in that I support her 100% but being in that gray area makes life complicated for her sometimes. Like she's going to wear a dress (something she hasn't done for years) in her sister's wedding but can only wrap her head around it if she thinks of it as going in drag.

I love her just the way she is and I wouldn't have her any other way, that's for sure!

Anyways, best of luck to you mshollyk!
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:40 PM
 
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mshollyk, I am agnry at your partner, and having to deal with that makes me even more impressed with your courage in coming out.

it's so frustrating that he can say "I don't want to be with you if you're going to be like this..." you have always been like this!!! oh, anyway. I'm just sorry that he's not being supportive.

I have a sweet friend who is a dyke but more and more she identifies as a fag. And she is such a fag!!!!! I'm glad I know her; I'm glad that the more I know, the more transparent the lines around gender and sexuality become. It's very freeing, even for someone like me who is maybe only 10% gender queer and 40% sexuality queer, if that makes any sense.
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunadoula
Like she's going to wear a dress (something she hasn't done for years) in her sister's wedding but can only wrap her head around it if she thinks of it as going in drag.
i can so totally relate to this!!!!! i use feminine pronouns as well, but gay men often refer to each other that way, so it makes sense, to me, anyway.
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sadie_sabot
mshollyk, I am agnry at your partner, and having to deal with that makes me even more impressed with your courage in coming out.

it's so frustrating that he can say "I don't want to be with you if you're going to be like this..." you have always been like this!!! oh, anyway. I'm just sorry that he's not being supportive.

I have a sweet friend who is a dyke but more and more she identifies as a fag. And she is such a fag!!!!! I'm glad I know her; I'm glad that the more I know, the more transparent the lines around gender and sexuality become. It's very freeing, even for someone like me who is maybe only 10% gender queer and 40% sexuality queer, if that makes any sense.
yeah, it's kind of weird that on some level, he's always known it (just as everyone else i've come out to knew), but now that there is a label associated with it, it freaks him out. he doesn't really want to talk about it much (although he has done a little research online), but you know, it's a process for everyone involved. it takes time. i'm not sure that we'll end up partnered in the end, but that's okay. thankfully, i have a large group of friends who are supportive
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:30 PM
 
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Hey there. I am married to a transman. We've been together 12 years, he transitioned about 6 years ago. Much of what you've written resonates with me as similar to his experience. Thanks for being willing to put this out there. Trannies are some of the bravest people I know.

And, I'm sorry your partner is having a hard time being supportive. FWIW, I was not supportive at first and even gave him a veiled ultimatum. But... time goes by, you get the hang of it, you realize gender does not have to be the Biggest Hugest Deal Ever. But, I came from a place of already being queer, which is probably easier. I hope he finds peace with it, but more than that I hope you end up partnered with someone who can love and support and appreciate you just like you are.
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:22 PM
 
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Hey, just checking in Looks like a thread full of good company!

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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Old 02-23-2006, 06:45 AM
 
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Hi,
i just figured i should check in too hear. My partner is just coming-out as trans, and we're hoping to get pregnant in about a month. It is an amazing experience to come to, trying to have a baby, negotiating the medicalized world in order to get sperm because my partner doesn't have any and wishes he did.
It is also amazing how much he gets centred on himself & transitioning, and then will say 'omg! we're going to have a baby!'. It is very exciting.
I'm glad that mshollyk started this thread & feels welcome here, cause I think my partner is scared off because it is a 'mothering' website. Hmmmm...
In any case, I just wanted to say 'hi' & wish everyone luck with their situations.
-Michelle
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Old 02-23-2006, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleW
Hi,
i just figured i should check in too hear. My partner is just coming-out as trans, and we're hoping to get pregnant in about a month. It is an amazing experience to come to, trying to have a baby, negotiating the medicalized world in order to get sperm because my partner doesn't have any and wishes he did.
It is also amazing how much he gets centred on himself & transitioning, and then will say 'omg! we're going to have a baby!'. It is very exciting.
I'm glad that mshollyk started this thread & feels welcome here, cause I think my partner is scared off because it is a 'mothering' website. Hmmmm...
In any case, I just wanted to say 'hi' & wish everyone luck with their situations.
-Michelle
first of all, good luck with your pg and partner's transition

second, with regard to the 'mothering' thing, i don't think of it so much as 'mothering' as much as 'nurturing', but that's just me. and i believe very strongly in AP and a lot of NFL principles, where else would i find the info and support but here?
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Old 02-23-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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second, with regard to the 'mothering' thing, i don't think of it so much as 'mothering' as much as 'nurturing', but that's just me. and i believe very strongly in AP and a lot of NFL principles, where else would i find the info and support but here?
----

Oh I totally agree!
Thanks!
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Old 02-23-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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Wanted to add that there is a pretty active yahoo group for people who are trans/genderqueer/etc and their partners who are parenting or TTC. PM me if you want the info on how to sign up!
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Old 02-24-2006, 02:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i just wanted to share that i *think* i passed today i went to pick up some food that DP had ordered, and the guy at the restaurant said, "i thought he said his wife was going to pick it up." granted, he had an israeli accent and i was checking him out, so it's entirely possible that i misunderstood
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Old 02-25-2006, 11:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i have slouched since i was maybe 12. like really badly. and it's shame because i count as my idols Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn, both of whom had fabulous posture. but i've always been so mortified by my huge (32DD, does g-d have a sense of humour or what?) boobs, and the best way to hide them was to slouch. a few months ago, i bought this bra from title 9, the last resort bra. i tried it on, and it's just slightly too big, so i haven't worn it. but tonight, i am wearing a shirt that requires a flatter chest, so i'm wearing the bra for the first time. the thing is, the waist band sits really low and is snug, so i only feel comfortable if i'm sitting up properly. i think it like it, though
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Old 02-26-2006, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oops i neglected to mention that the bra is a minimizing bra, lol.
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Old 02-27-2006, 03:33 AM
 
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Oh cool, is that your first experience with a binder? Those really tight sports bras can work quite well, better than the ol' ace bandages.

Sorry things are so tough for you with your partner. I just mentioned it to my partner and he said, "It's too bad he feels alienated by the whole thing" which kind of surprised me. It might be insightful though... your dp could feel like this is a way in which you're disconnecting from him, even though (obviously) you're not intending it as that. Have you asked him outright if he would be with you-- sexually and otherwise-- as a man?

My dp knows I've never felt like a girl or woman and can accept it that far, BUT when I have asked him -- a few times over the course of the last few years-- how he would feel about me if I transitioned, he's always said, "Well, I wouldn't be attracted to you. I'm straight, and if you became a man, I wouldn't feel the same way about you." Honest, but I wanted some grandiose, "I'd be in love with you no matter what" statement. To be fair, he's loved and been attracted to me through huge physical changes (gaining almost 100lbs), but the gender/sex thing is his limit, I guess. It's such a MAJOR part of identity and everything, that making that leap with a partner must take an extremely strong person/relationship. Tough stuff.
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Old 02-27-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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I was thinking about this over the weekend. I'm sure for a straight guy who's partnered with a woman who then, it turns out, is not a woman, that must seriously fuck with his slef identity, his concept of who he is and what his sexuyality is. And our culture has so much homophobia that it's darn near impossible not to internalize some of that.

I still think it's lousy that he isn't being supportive, but he does have a lot tosort through...although it doesn't sound like he's trying to sort through it.
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Old 02-28-2006, 12:45 AM
 
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I have tried to post here several times and still something comes up. I am also genderqueer/transgender.

Not transitioning and not planning on it...i have thought about top surgery/massive breast reduction and low dose T sometime in the future (after children are weaned and when i can support myself if/when husband can no longer handle it). i don't know it is all very scary.
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Old 03-02-2006, 01:59 PM
 
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i have been periodically searching for this on MDC and was starting to give up hope!
just signing in to the thread - and tallying up: did i get that there is only one mama here so far with a trans partner who is MtF - bio male/psychological female? my DH is trans MtF, but has not made much headway in transitioning.
the biggest thing i am focusing on currently is our children and making this all a positive experience for them because quite frankly, we still live in a rather puritanical, backasswards society that is not casual about issues like this.

we have TONS of books on TG and have seen shows, including what has to be one of the WORST examples of cinematogrophy and completely degrades this issue in our opinion ("different for girls") but have found no resources as yet on how best to handle things with the boys. our sons are very young, and i would love to find out what mistakes others had made in addressing the issues with their kids. seems that the only ones who mention anything had kids who were MUCH older (grown/late teens) when it all came into the open.
anyone read anything or see anything striking in regard to raising kids without fear or shame or confusion when ignorant outsiders are ignorant outsiders?
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Old 03-06-2006, 02:12 AM
 
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I'm curious to know if those books exist as well. Hey, someone here should write a children's book about trans parents! My guess is that there really isn't a way to avoid all shame and fear and confusion... those things are unfortunately part of everyone's life, and especially so when there's a striking difference, you know? I imagine that a kid with a trans parent would really benefit from having other trans adults in their life, a community of people within which they "fit"... people who aren't going to get all weird about it. I imagine that it's also really important to acknowledge the shame that might come up, since you're right that our puritanical society is not going to be casual about it.

Let us know here if you find any books or movies that are helpful!

A friend of mine's brother is an FtM with a wife and 2 young children, living in a really queer positive area (Northampton, MA), and even though his transition began long before they decided to have kids (and he passes well), I know that they are very out about it with their kids and in their community. I'll find out if they've written anything about their parenting experiences and addressing trans issues with young children.
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Old 03-07-2006, 04:13 PM
 
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I know there is the book "LOVE makes a family: Portraits of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trangender Parents and Their Families", Photographed by: Gigi Kaeset and Edited by: Peggy Gillespie.
While it isn't a 'kids book', nor trans-focused, I think it is as close as we come to what is being talked about & looked for. The book has photos of families and then interviews with each member of the family about their family & about families in general. There are 2 families that have trans-dads who birthed their kids. I think it is an amazing book on many levels -- visibility of diverse families (number of people, family composition, race/ethnicity, etc), as well as providing the actual words from kids & parents.

If anyone does know of kids books that address trans-parenting, I'd love to know! I have such a collection of picture books (kids books for ages 5 and under), and I know it is lacking in my collection, and that such books will be useful for our kids.

On another note, I am planning to do PhD studies, and even though I have 3 topics in mind, one of them is to look at families with trans-parents and talk about how these families live day-to-day, who they are out to, if they feel they need to be out or not, how it contests and meshes with 'normal' notions of family, etc. I guess if I end up doing this, I could try to make a kids book from it. In any case, that wouldn't happen for a few years yet.

Anyways, I do quite enjoy the networking this thread provides! Just thought I'd share that.
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