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#301 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 06:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
Our rules:
1. Take reasonable safety precautions and use good judgment.
2. Always come home when you said you would and communicate any changes of plans ASAP.
3. Tell me all the important parts!
Sounds like our rules.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#302 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 11:44 PM
 
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Thought I'd say hi, cause I've been missing the poly part of my relationship and would like to live vicariously

I'm Chellsea, partner to Jake, mama to Windy (20 months) and Fox (4 months). We have too many babies to do anything else. Plus, as I've been preg the majority of the past two years no one wants anything to do with me. But lots to do with Jake. *eyesroll* Why does everyone think that I'll tie them down, but a responsible dad is a turnon? We're both queer, and I'm kinda like an outlier on the gender spectrum and so poly is a way to fill all of our desires. I also think it's a very very important part of how I see myself. Rather than being an extension of my partner, I'm all of these other things first. Monogamy is just a huge hole for me to fall into. Also, as Jake says, I'm not much of a people person and our social life leaves him wanting more. So he can get what he wants and I can have the house all to myself!

Our family knows but likes to forget, our friends either know or find out when it's beneficial (hehe) I have a really hard time hiding anything. We don't have many rules, cause I don't follow rules very well to begin with. Mainly, we just make sure to communicate what we're doing/what we want/what we need. Sounds a lot like EnviroBecca. It does get tough at times, but you know, it's definitely worth it.

Anyways, I'm very glad to know that there are so many of us out there. I get so heartbroken when hearing stories about the raid in Texas and wonder what ideas everyone mainstream is forming about polygamy/polyamory and I worry. So, yay!
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#303 of 1038 Old 06-25-2008, 01:17 AM
 
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....

Anyways, I'm very glad to know that there are so many of us out there. I get so heartbroken when hearing stories about the raid in Texas and wonder what ideas everyone mainstream is forming about polygamy/polyamory and I worry. So, yay!

i've been wondering about that. i am not sure if all state laws are the same but i think it was mentioned on oprah that polygamy is illegal [in one/some states] but extramarital affairs aren't. is that the same everywhere? if not then essentially polygamy as the whole "wrong" factor being played out is just well...wrong. its the CHILD marriages that is the illegal part whic is certainly NOT a part of polygamy! i also wish it would be reworded because its technically the incorrect "charge".
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#304 of 1038 Old 06-25-2008, 01:37 PM
 
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I think it's illegal in every state to actually legally marry multiple people at the same time, ie bigamy. But only a few states have laws on the books that it's illegal to cohabitate with multiple people as if married. That is not the case most places. I think the main problem people run into in most states is cohabitation laws regarding how many nonrelated adults can share a space, not having anything to do with relationship status but supposedly for health reasons or to prevent a bunch of criminals from holing up in their meth lab or whatever.
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#305 of 1038 Old 06-25-2008, 03:42 PM
 
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Adultery was illegal in 27 states as of 1996--see this handy chart! You'd have to check the specifics of the laws, but in most cases I'd bet that includes sex between a married person and someone else regardless of whether they live together. (This is one of the many reasons I'm not married!)

Cohabitation with even one unmarried partner is illegal in some states--10 at the time of that chart. People have been prosecuted for it recently; I've seen at least 3 cases in the news in the last few years.

However, it's my understanding that all the laws against oral and anal sex referenced in that chart were struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court in that decision on a Texas case in I think 2003.

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I think the main problem people run into in most states is cohabitation laws regarding how many nonrelated adults can share a space, not having anything to do with relationship status
City ordinance here, last time I checked, was no more than 3 nonrelated adults per dwelling unit. In practice, though, what it means is that landlords renting 4-bedroom houses won't let >3 people SIGN THE LEASE. Any additional people living there are technically guests.

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#306 of 1038 Old 06-25-2008, 06:52 PM
 
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Adultery was illegal in 27 states as of 1996--see this handy chart! You'd have to check the specifics of the laws, but in most cases I'd bet that includes sex between a married person and someone else regardless of whether they live together. (This is one of the many reasons I'm not married!)

Cohabitation with even one unmarried partner is illegal in some states--10 at the time of that chart. People have been prosecuted for it recently; I've seen at least 3 cases in the news in the last few years.

However, it's my understanding that all the laws against oral and anal sex referenced in that chart were struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court in that decision on a Texas case in I think 2003.

City ordinance here, last time I checked, was no more than 3 nonrelated adults per dwelling unit. In practice, though, what it means is that landlords renting 4-bedroom houses won't let >3 people SIGN THE LEASE. Any additional people living there are technically guests.

wow...what is this country comeing to? i mean oral sex isn't exactly a "constitutional right" but i mean COME ON. thanks for the info though and it was very informative....and thanks for letting me know i wasn't breaking the law last weekend.
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#307 of 1038 Old 07-01-2008, 03:45 AM
 
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I have a girlfriend, I stay at her house on tuesdays. Her DH is out of town a lot so it's nice that we can just do whatever we want. My DH of course has nothing to do with us. It's funny how things come to you when you aren't even looking. We get a long great and have great chemistry. No games, just the way I like it.

I ran into my ex at the bar, she has a new GF and divorced her DH, they are very happy together and moving to FL soon.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#308 of 1038 Old 07-01-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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wow...what is this country comeing to? i mean oral sex isn't exactly a "constitutional right" but i mean COME ON. thanks for the info though and it was very informative....and thanks for letting me know i wasn't breaking the law last weekend.
Oral sex is considered sodomy. It was considered illegal (even in consensual, adult relationships) as a way of basically making homosexuality illegal. I'm sure the Biblical statements on sodomy also influenced the law.

The Supreme Court decision that makes it all legal is: Lawrence v. Texas.

In light of this particular thread, I heard someone say on NPR that Lawrence v. Texas also makes polygamy legal AS LONG AS you don't involve the state (thereby falling under bigamy laws). That came up related to the FLDS case in Texas - that a man with multiple ADULT wives is perfectly legal as long as they're only married in the church, and don't try to claim state-related benefits beyond the single husband/wife (or husband/husband or wife/wife depending on your state). So, DH and I could have marry another wife with the blessing of a RELIGIOUS leader (or even if we just ourselves pronounced ourselves married) if we wanted, but we couldn't file for another marriage license or expect her to have other protections typically granted to a legal spouse.
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#309 of 1038 Old 07-01-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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Adultery was illegal in 27 states as of 1996--see this handy chart! You'd have to check the specifics of the laws, but in most cases I'd bet that includes sex between a married person and someone else regardless of whether they live together. (This is one of the many reasons I'm not married!)

Cohabitation with even one unmarried partner is illegal in some states--10 at the time of that chart. People have been prosecuted for it recently; I've seen at least 3 cases in the news in the last few years.
I'd be curious to read those adultery laws. That seems like it would be struck down by Lawrence v. Texas as well, except in civil divorce cases. KWIM? That if DH and I decided that I could bring a girlfriend into our relationship, it wouldn't be adultery, because it was all consensual adults. However, if DH started seeing another woman behind my back and opted to leave our marriage, I could list adultery (or alienation of affection or whatever) as a cause for the divorce.

The second point you made I've heard most often in relation to new immigrant families. Mostly like you mentioned in your larger post about the number of total, unrelated people living in a single family dwelling (as frequently happens around college campuses - as an aside, DH lived with several friends in college, and the landlord wrote leases for the number of bedrooms. This way, one person moving out didn't initially screw over the other housemates. They had a set time to find a replacement roommate after which the landlord would try to find someone to fill the room). Can you link to news cases of one unmarried partner cohabitating and the persecution? I'm trying to understand what happened.
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#310 of 1038 Old 07-07-2008, 03:33 PM
 
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Hey all you poly folks. . . I've been pretty quiet on this thread, but I'm trying to be back around a little more.

I am looking for a sperm donor to bring some small people into our family. That's kind of my big all-consuming thing right now. It's amazingly hard to meet guys who understand poly, understand that all three of us are trans guys, and that we're committed to each other and to having a family that includes at least one little person.

It's been suggested to me that a really easy way to bring some sperm into our lives would be to just get out more.

However, I want to bring a child into the world who understands that they were wanted, and that a lot of openness and communication and love went into bringing that child into our family.

Most of the poly people I know have kids, for some couples, it seems to mean putting their relationships outside of their parenting relationship on hold.

I am really hoping that doesn't happen, and by all three of us parenting, we'll be focused on each other and on our child, but we will hopefully have time to pursue relationships outside of our home.

If anyone has any thoughts or experience on these crazy ideas of mine, I'd love to hear it!

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
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#311 of 1038 Old 07-07-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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Thought I'd say hi, cause I've been missing the poly part of my relationship and would like to live vicariously

....

Anyways, I'm very glad to know that there are so many of us out there. I get so heartbroken when hearing stories about the raid in Texas and wonder what ideas everyone mainstream is forming about polygamy/polyamory and I worry. So, yay!
Hi Chellsea!

So good to see another gender outlaw on MDC! Woot!

And we are practically neighbours....sort of. Depending on what part of upstate you're in, we might be VERY close!

I hear you on the TX thing. I don't worry too much, we live in a VERY liberal area, and we're queer and trans and there's three of us, so poly is just kind of one more thing, y'know?

Three creates its own issues in a world made for couples, but, in general, we don't run into too many issues.

FYI, spread the word, or if you're feeling social if you're not too far, come on over:
I'm in Western Mass, just an hour from VT, CT, and NY, all at once, and we have a poly meet up group around here.

We have poly munches once a month on a Friday evening at a restaurant in Amherst, MA, about ten minutes off I-91 and not at all hard to find. We also have a poly discussion group that meets once a month on Tuesdays near Holyoke Mall.

PM me if you want more info about that.

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
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#312 of 1038 Old 07-07-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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Oh, wow! Hey, look guys - a YouTube documentary portrayal of a trans triad poly family with a nine year old kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Vc9DqQQ_A

And a blog post about them, too: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...-diet-mag.html

They're the mirror opposite of us, but just as cool.

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
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#313 of 1038 Old 07-09-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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Oh, wow! Hey, look guys - a YouTube documentary portrayal of a trans triad poly family with a nine year old kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Vc9DqQQ_A

And a blog post about them, too: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...-diet-mag.html

They're the mirror opposite of us, but just as cool.
Dude, that is pretty neat.
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#314 of 1038 Old 07-10-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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FtMPapa, you are near my neck of the woods. We probably even know folks mutually if you go to meetups. We used to be pretty active with the CTPoly group in it's early days (pre kiddo and gas price crazyness) and I know a few folk that travel up to W. Mass regularly. I might have to finagle the schedules to get up to the picnic if another MDCer is going to be there.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#315 of 1038 Old 07-10-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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@ Indigo - you should come! I'd love to meet another MDCer, I know a few of 'em from this forum.

I'm sure we do, I've been going to the diner meetups for the last few months.

General updateyness for everyone else:

Nothing is actually official yet, but it looks like I might be moving out into my own apartment.

We have a bunch of reasons.

I'm a grad student, I live on this weird 15 week cycle of crazyness with six weeks off, and then 15 weeks on, and then 15 off, sort of thing. I make a lot of clutter, I live on this cycle of chaos-clean-gradual descent into chaos-clean, and when I live with other people and don't have enough room to put my stuff away, it just takes over.

I also discovered over the past six+ months of living with my honey boys that I need a LOT of time alone. Living with three adults in a two bedroom apartment, when I work from home most times and they work different schedules, means I don't have time alone in the kind of blocks I need. There are entire weeks when I'm alone for barely more than a couple of hours.

Finally, the biggest reason - I feel that they're not ready to be full-time parents. They want to be supportive and helpful and be involved, but it's always going to be my child, not our child. I also feel like I'm unwilling to let go of my identity as a single parent-to-be. It's hard for me to bring two people who are on board, but not paddling, into my solo canoe.

I'm incredibly sad but also hopeful about the whole thing. I hope I can make it so I can spend a lot more time alone but also more quality time with each of them, instead of having us all up in each other's faces 24/7.

SPBC Finally a Papa! Elise Ember Soleil - 10/3/10 - 4:09 AM - 6 lbs 8 oz My daughter eats donor milk! Human milk for human babies!
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#316 of 1038 Old 07-11-2008, 05:48 PM
 
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Info about anti-cohabitation laws.

FtMPapa wrote:
Quote:
I feel that they're not ready to be full-time parents. They want to be supportive and helpful and be involved, but it's always going to be my child, not our child. I also feel like I'm unwilling to let go of my identity as a single parent-to-be. It's hard for me to bring two people who are on board, but not paddling, into my solo canoe.
I'm so glad you acknowledged this BEFORE conceiving the child! I hope it works out really well for you.

Thanks for linking to that article! I know Pace! We both like pyramid games and met at a game convention. There are several other poly people in that crowd...something about the pyramids draws us, maybe?

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#317 of 1038 Old 07-11-2008, 05:59 PM
 
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Oh, wow! Hey, look guys - a YouTube documentary portrayal of a trans triad poly family with a nine year old kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Vc9DqQQ_A

And a blog post about them, too: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...-diet-mag.html

They're the mirror opposite of us, but just as cool.
That's so inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
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#318 of 1038 Old 07-16-2008, 02:27 AM
 
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that's for FtMPapa

I'm subbing to this thread because...after years of talking about "what if" and "maybe," dp and I had a big talk about finding some more lovers, both individually and together.

He is wanting another female partner, and to be able to date and flirt in general. I'm somebody who doesn't much care what genetalia somebody has if I love them, but I appear to be the one with a boyfriend. Fun! He's a friend of ours, somebody we've known for several years. We've had chemistry almost since the beginning, to the point where he hasn't really wanted to hang out and be friendly with us because it was too awkward for him. We've talked about the concept (of not being monogamous, and of alternative family structures, and stuff like that) before and it used to be that he was really not comfortable with the idea, but lately he's been making overtures. Since dp and I decided to focus our energies on really making things work, I put the moves on this guy.

Actually, I'm kind of scared about it. I really don't want to lose a friend, even though we weren't ever able to have much of a friendship with this big elephant in the room. I think I will be heartbroken if it blows up in my face.

It also remains to be seen how we will work things out to dp's satisfaction. He's not much into boys (though this one seems to be interested in some trysting) and in general has a strong interest in getting more um...relations...than he does already, so if this new love interest takes away from him he may be unhappy about that.

We're about at the point where we need to have a big long talk about stuff with lots of cuddling, and I'm trying to schedule that somehow. Being on the edge about it is a little stressful. I tend to want to over-explain and talk about stuff and send long emails that frighten people away, and I'm trying to avoid doing that while also maintaining contact. It's like being a teenager again, yikes!
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#319 of 1038 Old 07-16-2008, 12:08 PM
 
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well i'm a complete mess. i need some serious poly forum or something. i am not practicing nor have ever practiced poly but it feels right TO ME and has for a long time. its evidenced by still loving but cheating on some of my exs. i was young and obviously all i had ever heard about was a single man and woman together...thats the rule. but at least i can recognize it now for what it was. however dh is not...anywhere near it.

i have recently reconnected with an exbf (ended on good terms) and now i am crushing...hard. talked and he LIKES the idea of poly. i have not heard his voice or seen him in over 5 yrs and we've just been talking on IM so its hard to judge WTH and WHY i am feeling these things.

ugh.
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#320 of 1038 Old 07-16-2008, 02:04 PM
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hey ya'll,

I just wanted to jump in here and introduce myself,
I've been lurking this forum for over a year and I want to thank all of you for helping to school me in the ways of poly.
I have recently redefined my 4+ year relationship as poly and in this moment I couldn't be happier!! My lady had been pushing for poly since day1, but we had such different ideas about it and we were in such different places.
In the beginning we tried it, but the first time I hooked up with a guy at a party she said it was cheating--huh? what it came down to was I didn't want what she wanted. She wanted multiple deep emotional/physically intimate relationships and I wanted to love her (which was as much as I could handle at the time) and hook up occasionally if the energy was right. I think both of those were valid wants, but they seemed irreconcilable at the time. Flash forward 4 years later and we were still having the mono/poly discussion every month or two!! exhausting!!
The fact that teh conversation kept coming up was turning me into a JEALOUSY BEAST!! I hated the way I was feeling, but I was so threatened by poly that I feared I would lose her at every turn. Not to mention that I have been TTC for over a year--thats a lot on my plate.
Finally she came forward and said she was moving out, because she doesn't want to parent yet (she is 24, I'm 31) and she needed to pursue poly. I panicked, she left and we both thought it was over. I spent the next month explaining it all to my friends--why she would choose poly, the benefits of poly, all the ways in which poly is more in line with the rest of the way we organize our lives (re: many friends that play different roles, many political movements and tactics that achieve our goals, etc).
At the end of all that explaining I realized I had convinced myself--I had argued myself into complete understanding.
Things are going well so far. I think it helps that neither of our current lovers (we each have one at present) have much in common with the other, meaning I can clearly see that her current lover offers her all kinds of things that I can't and I can clearly see that he is not a replacement of me and if anything his relationship with her is an asset to our relationship. The same can be said for my current lover (though she is only here for the summer She offers me things that my long term lover cannot, and is in no way a threat to what we have been building all these years.
I know these realizations are old news for seasoned poly folks but I just wanted to throw them out for newbies and lurkers.
I will also add that moving apart was the best thing we ever did. I can now spend time with my lover and appreciate her for who she truly is, what she brings to the emotional and sexual table without distractions like "uuggghh I hate you right now because the sink is full of your dirty dishes" or from her perspective "ugghh why are you always nagging me???" Now with a LOT of space, we find that all the bullshit hurdles that pushed us away from each other are lifted and we can truly appreciate one another. For now we are limiting contact to once a week so we can support ourselves in pursuing other relationships but when we are together our love for each other is stronger then ever!!
Thanks again for being here and helping me to find the courage to explore this, and thanks for reading.

11/24/08 SMBC with a loving LTR DP in a Queer & Poly relationshiploving my new baby Kale Cqolbi Justice!!!!!
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#321 of 1038 Old 07-16-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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It also remains to be seen how we will work things out to dp's satisfaction. He's not much into boys (though this one seems to be interested in some trysting) and in general has a strong interest in getting more um...relations...than he does already, so if this new love interest takes away from him he may be unhappy about that.
I find that having a new relationship tends to raise my libido in general, so DH gets more action than before instead of less. Well, not that I'm usually the limiting factor, he turns me down more often than not.

I would be more worried about being less emotionally present for your current partner. It's something I find I really have to watch. I found this article about NRE very useful in terms of self-awareness.

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#322 of 1038 Old 07-16-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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Thank you so much, I'm going to read that right now before making dinner! (How's that for being less present, LOL)

I spent the afternoon with my new sweetie, he read me a book. We talked about a bunch of stuff, including what we could bring to a relationship with each other and I did find that the kinds of things we were both asking for were very different from what dp and I do for each other (dp1? How does that work, anyway??) At any rate, we are going very slowly and are planning to take time to talk with everybody at each step of the way.

He says we can teach him some things about what long-term (we've been together 10 years) committed relationships are like, and how they may differ from his idealistic expectations. It felt really good.

Another good thing is that he isn't really interested in boys...this is good because despite how I feel about the matter, dp isn't either so they can relate to each other on a guy buddy level without other stuff getting in the way. (Like I said, we've all been friends for a few years, so that's a reasonable expectation to make)

Hold my hand please...
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#323 of 1038 Old 07-17-2008, 04:11 PM
 
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Hera, it sounds like we're in similar situations... with a new partner making a gradual entrance. Although I haven't known mine for quite so long, he's become a close friend of DH's and it gives me warm fuzzy feelings to be in the same room with the two of them.

However, we're not really talking about any long term plans, as I don't want anyone to freak out. In my head, though... castles in the sky.

Finally pregnant with #1 and #2! Due September 9th, 2014 
   
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#324 of 1038 Old 07-17-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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This is tricky, you guys. With 3 people, it's hard to figure out who gets told what first. As dp (how about dp for dear primary? dl for dear lover? ) and I discussed at the outset, we aren't expected to necessarily ask permission before broaching the subject to another person that we meet or befriend. But, dp is not the best at reading subtle social cues...it makes him a very good communicator because he basically needs everything spelled out in clear, concise language and I do value that highly... but when I talked to him about my intentions regarding this friend he was "surprised" and "had concerns."

All of this has been taking place within the past few days, btw.

So, I'm a little worried. We didn't give each other veto power, just the power to call for a pause if there was an issue in the primary relationship. I'm afraid that his intention was to find himself a girlfriend, not for me to go right out and proposition somebody. I don't want to hurt him, or damage our relationship. I think I'm primarily concerned that his trust for me could be weakened by his concerns about dl's reliability.

I think we're going to have to have a big long talk tonight, hopefully it will clear some stuff up. I'm trying to become more clear about what needs of mine could be met through this new relationship, and how far I'd like it to go. I'm holding on to the image that I have in my mind of how I want things to be, understanding that it's an evolving process.

Time to go read some Heinlein, LOL.
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#325 of 1038 Old 07-18-2008, 12:11 AM
 
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First post at MDC

I've looked around a bit and am happy to find this thread!!

I do have a few questions to see if anyone is in this type of situation.

Our relationship is new even though we have know R for a few years. We jsut recently became what we are. So, we are FFM. We live as one couple. She moved in with us, we share a bed, sex, we share a closet , we share bills, she buys groceries, etc. However, I'm noticing some differences in my relationship with R and hubby's. It has been "bothering" me. I know part of it is that this is new. This is the first relationship I have been in with a woman and her first as well. However, I identify as bi and she does not. So, I'm thinking that is where the difference is. She loves us both but sometimes things feel different like it is easier for her to connect with him than me. I'm wondering if this stems from that fact. To be honest though, I've not told either of them I identify as bi. I think hubby knows from past talks but I don't think she does.

Anyway, I'm finding it difficult for me and I'm wondering if talking about it is really going to help or hurt. It may be something that I need to deal with on my own.
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#326 of 1038 Old 07-18-2008, 01:31 PM
 
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In my experience (which is mostly with monogamy) talking about things is the only way to help. Anticipating talking can be scary, but actually doing it is mandatory

Have you had any experience with Nonviolent Communication? I've found this to be very helpful to me, to recognize what my needs are and be able to communicate them respectfully has opened up my life
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#327 of 1038 Old 07-22-2008, 08:22 PM
 
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how do you really explain how you feel? and how do "you" know that poly isn't being used maliciously by yourself unintentionally?

i aknowledge that the stage in our life poly isn't going to be a good thing. we aren't stable enough nor have enough communication. BUT we've now breached the 2nd discussion on it and i am at a loss.

dh is unsure how poly wouldn't be saying essentially that he is not enough and not fullfilling to me. he also wonders how he is supposed to know that he is a primary. just cause we're married (we "believe" in divorce) and have kids does not mean "primary". i only could say that there was nothing i could say to make him know that he is going to be primary (theoretically) forever. and that he is my rock, my love.

finding out the meaning of polyamory was a huge AHAHAA....hhmmmmm...for me. it made sense completely to me. i finally saw why i felt that one was never enough and how i feel now but DH is NOT poly. even him understanding the words i don't think he will EVER understand emotionally or want poly. its just not in him.

i also am so TIRED of physcoanalyzing myself. i am going INSANE. i can't do it. i really need someone to bounce all my thoughts off of and be a 3rd party but where in the heck am i going to find someone who really understands poly?
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#328 of 1038 Old 07-23-2008, 01:56 AM
 
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Someone on a different poly board suggested this link to me earlier today, I've been reading through the information and it is very helpful. Maybe it would help you begin to sort out your feelings?

The way I keep thinking about it is, I have two children. I love them both with all of my heart, they are both my favorite, I can't make a distinction between how much I love them. They are also very different people, with very different needs. We have different ways of relating, different games we play, different ways of loving and comforting each other. If I can love two or more children without having to choose between them, I can love two or more adults as well. There's no real reason that sexual relationships need to be exclusively restricted to one person.

I find it really amusing that I'm posting so much and trying to be helpful after exactly one week of polyamory...which isn't even enough to decide if I'm actually dating somebody or not! Somebody else start posting, quick! LOL Well, you know when you're in research mode....
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#329 of 1038 Old 07-23-2008, 01:12 PM
 
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Did anyone see the WE show called The Secret Lives of Women? They had an episode the other night that I thought some of you might find interesting. (I'm not poly, just facinated. ) One woman was polyamorous and had several lovers, another woman and her husband ran a swinging club, one woman was a prostitute in a brothel (with a boyfriend at home,) and another couple was...I'm not really sure. They seemed like swingers but then I think the woman had steady girlfriends at times, too, so I guess they are poly.
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#330 of 1038 Old 07-26-2008, 01:19 AM
 
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Hi, is there anybody here left?

Hera, you wished somebody else would post, here's somebody just as inexperienced (I guess ) and in the middle of something too... How's your new relationship going?

Let me tell you a bit about me. I don't know if I'm actually poly. I've been married to dh for 10 years, we have 2 little boys of 5 and 2, and we really love each other. From the start I advocated that we might have affairs outside marriage: I always felt that in the course of a life, one DOES have minor or major crushes on other people, and it's no use -nor is it a good thing- to keep them from happening.

DH was very reluctant at first, but 4 years ago he finally discovered how right I was and now he's very happy he can date other women. These were never big loves, though. Nor were they pure recreational sex. You could say: big crushes that turn into a nice friendship after a couple sessions of sex.

How things are: as it turns out, he's had some 6 affairs since then, whereas I... haven't had any. I guess being a pregnant SAHM isn't exactly the best situation to make that happen.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, we have a party at home, and DH brings a man of his acquaintance, and -guess what- by the end of the night, I find myself totally crazy in love with that guy.

OK, now the fun part begins:

1) Apparently I didn't let the man indifferent either. During the night, when he was a little drunk, he reportedly told dh that -man your wife is really soooo...- I'm not going to give details but they were nice things to hear

2) But, of all men on Earth, this was probably the one I should not have laid my eyes on. Why: because he and DH are both artists of the same field, there are maybe 10 of them in all the country and they all know each other. DH was not exactly close friends with him: had known him in a recent congress and wanted to know him better. As an artist, he respects him a lot -wouldn't say that of all the other 10- to the point that there might be some competence between the 2 in that field. So, on DH's side, that infatuation of mine isn't the best news, and on the man's side, if there ever was any interest of his part, he would probably not want to throw himself in any complication with DH.
Is he aware that our couple permits a relationship between him and me? I don't know. DH has a reputation all over town as a women hunter, and he publicly said he had an open marriage, but still most people think he's cheating on me.

3) Anyway, I try to figure out some way of seeing him again, and one week later I ask him an autograph for my brother. We meet for a quick coffee, a mutual friend falls in and then leaves, I'm absolutely dumb with shyness, the poor thing tryes to do some talking, the situation is the most uncomfortable you can imagine. No hint about my disponibility is ever dropped.

4) I give it another try. Three days later, I call him at night: I'm just getting out of a cheesy event near his place, would he like to have a drink?
He doesn't pick up the phone, nor ever returns the call. So I email him my drink offer. -I'm already leaving for that congress abroad -is the cold response-, when I come back it'll be "splendid".

5) If I ask myself what I'd really want to happen, I would say: some very good sex and then some very good talking, and then close friends forever. I don't want a stable 3 persons relationship. Actually, he is just separated from a woman he'd been with for several years. She had a daughter he considered his. You can tell he's very sad. My dream is that I can help him get over the crisis and back to her...

To you folks who have been in poly relationships: how does all that sound to you? Is the starting situation too complex to be worth the try? Have you had to run after a person and persuade him or her? -Sigh... why is it sooo easy for DH and so hard for me?
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