Poly Families - Page 13 - Mothering Forums

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#361 of 1038 Old 08-25-2008, 04:12 PM
 
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oh, and what is this sharing thing that majikfaerie's talking about?

As for Burning Man, there is a kids' village called Kidsville. Their website appears to be down right now, but if I was going with kids, I would definitely camp with them. I think a lot of families trade off child care at night. We've never taken the kidlet though - although I think she would enjoy it more than some of the other festivals we've been to.

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#362 of 1038 Old 08-26-2008, 06:37 AM
 
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wow laggie! sounds amazing.

I've been having a rough day with dp and my ex-gf in the house, of course, we've been 're-kindling' our relationship, for old times' sake, and it's a little complicated. she's really not on the same page as us on many things, mostly parenting related. sigh. its only till tomorrow.

then!!! we've planned a road trip to visit my gf! I'm so excited to see her :

oh, and laggie, the sharing thing everyone on MDC is talking about is linked in my sig. it's an article i wrote about children sharing.

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#363 of 1038 Old 08-26-2008, 01:44 PM
 
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One of my best friends is in a triad marriage with a man and a woman. Her DH often travels for work, so the sister-wives do most of the childcare and have each other for support. My friend works in a Waldorf preschool and her sister-wife runs their home daycare, so there is always a mama home for their three kids. I think it's fabulous. They have such a sweet partnership.

I sometimes wish I had a sister-wife. Two men can be difficult to live with, especially when they're annoyed with each other. Sometimes I find myself feeling like the rope in a game of tug-of-war when they start venting about each other. But I think it just takes time to learn how to communicate effectively and to get to know how someone thinks/works. We've lived together now for 1 year and a half and they are just starting to get to the point where they truly understand how the other one works. So they are able to process their frustrations and come together a little bit more. In the beginning, they had their own honeymoon period and basked in the novelty of being able to hang out in bed drinking coffee all morning on the weekends while perusing the internet and talking about cars, motorcycles and paintball. That changed, now they prefer to have their own beds. But they are working on refining their friendship and actually care a great deal about each other.

One of my DPs seems to collect GFs... I'm joking, but he tends to flirt/date a lot. So my other DP and I are learning to flow with his needs as his other relationships come and go. Recently he had two GFs, but he broke up with one and then the other moved farther away. So he's needing a lot more time with me just as I'm about to go on a trip with the other DP and the kids for a few days. *sigh* It's never perfect.

I've been getting a lot of vague questions from childless poly people on the internet about how I handle being poly and having children. Do people ask you all that? How do you answer? My answer tends to be "Just like anyone with kids, really, but we have three parents."

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#364 of 1038 Old 08-27-2008, 05:38 AM
 
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for me the three parents thing is one of the best parts of having a poly relationship!

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#365 of 1038 Old 08-27-2008, 08:25 AM
 
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I've been getting a lot of vague questions from childless poly people on the internet about how I handle being poly and having children. Do people ask you all that? How do you answer? My answer tends to be "Just like anyone with kids, really, but we have three parents."
Though our daughter has not been born yet (January), we sometimes get questions (mainly from the press) about how we will integrate a child into our relationship. We say that having three parents (or more) has to be a whole lot easier than two. When you figure there is a lot more time, love and financial resources available the more parents one has, it can only be good for the child. As for how Maya will handle other kids who might give her a hard time, we'll just have to see. No child is immune from schoolyard taunting, no matter what their family situation. I figure if we give her a lot of love and self-confidence she will be able to handle that sort of thing relatively well.
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#366 of 1038 Old 08-27-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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MamaRhi, you're totally living my dream! I think it would be absolutely wonderful to have a little family with DH, BF, me, and a kid or two... But DH isn't on the same page so that will just have to be my little fantasyland.

I think when people are asking about being poly and having kids, the real concern is how friends/family (especially family) will react. I know it's a big fear for DH - his family is Catholic. Although, I think they would do their usual thing which is just to ignore anything they don't like. My parents might freak out a little. Actually, my parents might be harder to handle than DH's, they're much more vocal about things.

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#367 of 1038 Old 08-27-2008, 05:17 PM
 
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I've been getting a lot of vague questions from childless poly people on the internet about how I handle being poly and having children. Do people ask you all that? How do you answer? My answer tends to be "Just like anyone with kids, really, but we have three parents."
i get this a lot too...and my answer is really similar...

dad and mom1 work outside the home...i stay home with the kids and manage the house...mom1 cooks, so on the weekends we talk about the menu for the week and what i need to do for each meal...it seems to flow really well...

i get funny looks sometimes...maybe because some of them know we homeschool the kids now, and breastfed and co-slept when they were babies...maybe its difficult for them to work their brain around 3 adults plus a child in the bed, etc...i dunno...but i dont accept their negative comments about things, and make things sound as normal as possible...because really, thats what it is - normal...just because its not their version of normal, doesnt make it wrong or bad...

*shrug*

peace...

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#368 of 1038 Old 08-27-2008, 11:38 PM
 
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for me the three parents thing is one of the best parts of having a poly relationship!
agreed!!!
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#369 of 1038 Old 08-28-2008, 01:54 AM
 
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it is really nice having "extra" parents, although we don't all live together. yet. i am eternally hopeful that somebody will win the lottery and we can all live together, or at least, closer. anyway, it's pretty cool.

is there anyone out there who has older dc that was living in a poly way when the dc were little? how do you explain things to them when they are the ones asking questions? my oldest ds has started asking why mommy and uncle d sometimes have "private time" when uncle d visits. (otherDH was known as uncle d before we really started the family situation... i figured continuity was more important than awkwardness over "who" he is.) which brings to mind another question... what do your dc call your other partner(s)?

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#370 of 1038 Old 08-28-2008, 07:34 AM
 
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Totally depends on the age of the child, but the answers simply aren't that different from those for kids of traditional families. "When people love each other, sometimes they want alone time together without anyone else around." The less we make a big and different deal of what we do and how we do it, the less they will too. When they come home with the opinions of other people, we plan to just reinforce that every family has their own way of doing things, and that as long as people are respectful and loving, there is no "wrong" way to be a family.

We don't yet have experience with all this since our child isn't here yet, but our dear poly friends with two kids are extremely matter-of-fact and honest with them (in an age-appropriate way). There were often other adults around their place, affectionately and sometimes overnight, and they were simply accepted as people mom and dad cared about and respected. The kids were frankly bored by the whole thing (ewww! boys!) and didn't make a big deal of it in the least, because their parents didn't.

In their case, the kids called the other partners by their first names.
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#371 of 1038 Old 08-28-2008, 01:26 PM
 
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which brings to mind another question... what do your dc call your other partner(s)?
we happen to live together, share the same room/bed/etc...and given that both of us women happen to have given birth to children in the home, we are both some version of mom...dad is dad...

if i/we were to have relationships outside the home, the people would be referred to by their first names...it would probably be explained, at least to the younger ones, that sometimes adult friends get together and have adult time...the older ones would know that this person is in our life and what their role is...

i, personally, would never refer to a partner as uncle/aunt because that leads to other drama...such as biological uncles/aunts and their role in the family, and possible issues with molestation questions, etc...especially when stories of children being molested by family members are common...most people do not have sexual relationships with family members (we all know it happens, just not talked about...but you know what i mean)...and that seems to me to be a lot of explaining as a child grows up...

just my .02

peace...

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#372 of 1038 Old 08-28-2008, 04:05 PM
 
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We've been actively poly since my dd was 3 and ds was an infant. They're now 9 and 6 1/2. My DP who is not their bio-dad gets called by his first name but when the children explain to others who he is they call him their step-dad or sometimes ds calls him his "other dad". Sometimes the kids make up names for our partners that are special. We really leave it all up to them. I've been talking to my DD about poly since she started school, explaining love and relationships in the most age-appropriate way possible as well as making sure she knows that some people might find this to be unacceptable. We are also Pagan, so this discussion spans further than poly. But we take the kids to a lot of gatherings where they will meet other families and children who are dealing with being pagan or having poly parents, so they know we aren't alone. DD has a good head on her shoulders and understands when it is and isn't ok to talk about certain things. And she takes risks when she feels ready for them.

My DPs and I are now out to all of our parents. We've met various degrees of acceptance, but all the grandparents can see that the children are happy so nobody's too worried. I think my mom is the biggest pain about it but she has been open to several conversations about relationship dynamics lately, so I think she's working on understanding.

On a slightly different note, I got into a strange conversation with another student in one of my night classes last night that involved a story that was only confusing if one assumed I lived with only one man who was definitely the father of both of my kids. I suddenly realized that I was confusing this poor guy pretty badly and I burst into laughter and could only say "Oh nevermind..." Sometimes it just looks like too much hassle to explain everything.

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#373 of 1038 Old 08-29-2008, 03:11 AM
 
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i, personally, would never refer to a partner as uncle/aunt because that leads to other drama...such as biological uncles/aunts and their role in the family, and possible issues with molestation questions, etc...especially when stories of children being molested by family members are common...most people do not have sexual relationships with family members (we all know it happens, just not talked about...but you know what i mean)...and that seems to me to be a lot of explaining as a child grows up...

just my .02

peace...

just to clarify, my DH and otherDH have been best friends for about 15 years, and i have known them both for over 12 years now. otherDH has been "uncle d" since my oldest son was born, and we've really only started a true poly relationship in the last, oh, 3 years-ish. my DS's know that he's not their true uncle, but that he's daddy's best friend. i didn't want to change his "title" and confuse the kids!

thanks for the thoughtful responses, everyone! we are pretty open about things with all the kids, i was just wondering how others have handled awkward questions from kiddos!

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#374 of 1038 Old 08-29-2008, 03:37 PM
 
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just to clarify, my DH and otherDH have been best friends for about 15 years, and i have known them both for over 12 years now. otherDH has been "uncle d" since my oldest son was born, and we've really only started a true poly relationship in the last, oh, 3 years-ish. my DS's know that he's not their true uncle, but that he's daddy's best friend. i didn't want to change his "title" and confuse the kids!

thanks for the thoughtful responses, everyone! we are pretty open about things with all the kids, i was just wondering how others have handled awkward questions from kiddos!
that makes more sense now...thanks for clarifying...

peace...

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#375 of 1038 Old 09-01-2008, 05:45 PM
 
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I'm not exactly out to my kids. I mean I'm not hiding, but not out either... my sex life has never been relevant to their lives. That said, we don't live with anyone else, so it's not like it's something that comes up. One day we will (I hope and when that day comes, things will be explained as needed... but for now it's a grownup with a private grownup life.

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#376 of 1038 Old 09-01-2008, 09:47 PM
 
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hey everyone!
we just did a huge road trip (1200mi in 3 days), sleeping in our van, to come up north and visit my GF.
its been so wonderful to have the whole family together; it's pretty rare that all four of us (me, dp, gf and dd) are together at the same time.
and the great news is that we're all so blissed out, gf is gonna move back down south to be with us :

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#377 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 05:12 AM
 
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Can I have a hug, mamas? The guy I've been seeing since July just called on the way home from burning man...broken down somewhere in CA...those of you who know BM can appreciate when I say that his mind was definitely still there, it was hard to talk to him. He did tell me that he met someone who lives far away...it didn't sound casual...but at any rate we weren't connecting very well. He was trying to be extra-cool about it but I get the idea that he went total-immersion in the experience and wasn't really thinking about "real life" yet, and that he was calling me more to get it off his chest than because he wanted to hear my voice.

I'm all emo now. I'm not surprised, I've had the suspicion all week when he totally dropped the ball on getting any messages out...but I was thinking a Playa wedding, not something serious, and I miss him a lot and I'm not sure what the future holds. Poor dp, I wouldn't talk to him about it and I wouldn't go to bed. I'm not sleepy yet, and I don't really want to talk about it with him.
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#378 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 10:20 AM
 
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Lots and lots of hugs, hon. I think my guy who was at Burning Man is also still in that head space as he said he'd call me Sunday or Monday and I haven't heard from him at all yet. I know what you mean about just not connecting and I don't think there's anything more disturbing than to feel like that with someone you typically connect with really well.

Has he been to BM before? I suspect that it will just take your bf some time to "re-enter" real life and then everything will be back to "normal" (whatever that is!).

What's a "playa wedding"? Sounds like fun

(one more just for good measure!)
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#379 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 10:29 AM
 
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Aw, thanks. I'm totally unable to sleep right now

Playa wedding=just for a week

Yeah, he's been before. He lives for this, but has always brought a date. I'm trying to sort out my feelings, because it isn't exactly jealosy...I wanted to go and couldn't, and this is what happened, kwim? And it's probably good for him, but it pushes all my abandonment-issue buttons.
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#380 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 10:51 AM
 
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Awww, hon... I know EXACTLY what you mean about the abandonment issues!! I can TOTALLY relate!! Try reminding yourself that even though it personally *affects* you, it's not *about* you personally. My therapist told me that a long time ago and it helps me to not freak out

Playa weddings sound cool.. I like that idea

Don't beat yourself up about not going. That's not going to change anything, ya know? Be gentle and kind with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling without judgment. He'll come home and you'll re-connect and be able to talk about it and everything will be fine

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#381 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 10:58 AM
 
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I sure hope you're right
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#382 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 03:15 PM
 
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It usually takes about a week for people to really re-enter planet earth after Burning Man. Sleep deprivation, overstimulation, lack of serotonin... ;-) Post-playa depression is common. Most of us feel like a tired, hungry toddler when the birthday party is over... for about a week, at least.

As for 'getting messages out' - from the playa? Nearly impossible. I would say that the call from California was likely the first practical opportunity to make contact with you.

I guess what I'm saying is, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions based on anybody's emotional state after a week in the desert. I know it's hard, but try to remain calm.


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#383 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 04:28 PM
 
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I just talked to him...I hear what you're saying, and it's pretty consistent with what my expectations were going in...I ended up with the disappointed feeling because he raised the issue himself...he asked me to take it as wishes from the heart, hmm.

At any rate, he sounds...like a new man, really strong and open and I'm getting really excited to connect again, though it sounds like there is a lot he has to tell me. I was thinking, it's kind of like stranger in a strange land, when cute little puppy Mike all of a sudden turns into enlightened religious leader Mike...you kind of miss the puppy for a while. Until today I wouldn't have thought of him as an alpha male, I guess, and how the dust settles remains to be seen.

Pronoiac that I am, I'm beginning to be excited about the possibilities.
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#384 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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hera, glad to hear you're coming through this

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#385 of 1038 Old 09-02-2008, 08:14 PM
 
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as for me, I'm blissfully in love with 2 people, who are both blissfully in love with me and each other ::::
we're talking about buying a big home

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#386 of 1038 Old 09-03-2008, 08:28 PM
 
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Wow, majikfaerie... I SO want to be where you are... but I think DH might need a few years to get used to the idea.

Was this type of family your initial goal, or did it develop on its own? I can't decide whether to tell DH what's really in my head, or just keep dating BF and see if things naturally become more serious.

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#387 of 1038 Old 09-03-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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Wow, majikfaerie... I SO want to be where you are... but I think DH might need a few years to get used to the idea.

Was this type of family your initial goal, or did it develop on its own? I can't decide whether to tell DH what's really in my head, or just keep dating BF and see if things naturally become more serious.
it's been my dream for a long time to manifest a third (female) partner into our marriage (since I waaaaay prefer women and struggle with feeling unfulfilled with a male dp). when we met gf, that wasn't the intention. we were all 3 of us great friends for a long time before anything happened (between myself and her, while dp was overseas). of course I had it on my mind, and dreamed of it, but this wasn't the "goal" of our relationship.
I'm just so blissed out atm. we all are.
and dd gets to have 3 parents

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#388 of 1038 Old 09-04-2008, 01:16 AM
 
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I'm so happy for you majik.

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#389 of 1038 Old 09-04-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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majik, that is so cool!

i'm hoping that sometime within the next few years me and DH and otherDH will be able to live together. in our situation tho, we are looking for a 2-flat or duplex, where we can live together but not together, if that makes any sense. finances are a big problem right now tho. oh well, it'll all work out the way it is supposed to.

on another note, DH is letting me run away for the weekend! i get to spend friday night with otherDH and then he'll drop me off on saturday to spend the rest of the weekend with the girls! yay! there will be food and gossip and skinnydipping! :

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#390 of 1038 Old 09-04-2008, 07:49 PM
 
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The dd's and I went out for breakfast and to hang out a park with my boy today, it was so sweet! He's back, and we are very good. We talked a bunch, and I'm in a very good space today. Good communication happened.

I realized that I have been very afraid that he doesn't really identify as poly, that what he is looking for is a monogamous commitment. Because I am not offering that, maybe he doesn't understand how I could be completely in love with him and want to nurture and grow a relationship while also being married with a family...that it was kind of physical and opportunistic for him, and that he'd look elsewhere for long-term love and growth. I think he came back from bm with some real learning experiences, sounds like he had a lot of conversations about polyamory there, and he seems ready to be open to more than just hedonistic in-the-momentness. I'm so happy! :

(not that I don't enjoy hedonism, but I'm looking for partnership right now. Lots of partnership, LOL)
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